You are going through the stages of grief as one would when suffering a loss. It's important to work through them without getting stuck, backtrack, or avoid. It seems like you are beginning to face and accept it. What happened has happened. Everyday is one day removed from the chaos. You have your power back. Don't lose your clean time for any reason and fall back to her weather 6 months or 60 years. You know the pain. You are in control now.