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Found the needle...

Old 12-06-2016, 07:30 AM
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Found the needle...

welp.... I wrote in a few days ago suspecting my fiancÚ has relapsed. While I already knew, today I looked in his car and found a needle! There's no way it's old, I cleaned everything while he was in rehab ensuring not a thing was around. I searched every inch of the house and his vehicle with a fine tooth comb. Tonight his mother and I are confronting him! Any advice?? I'm dreading this.... three rehabs, three relapses! I mean my god atleast some people get a few months of clean time.... he's right back at it everytime within a few days at best a week. Can this really have that much of a hold on you? I'm not naive about addiction believe me I could write the book on it... but it's getting ridiculous already! His counselor said it best, "before rehab they have no choice, they will use, they know nothing else, they have no control" ..."after rehab, they are detoxed, they are sober, they have the tools they need" she said... using after rehab is a CHOICE not something they have no control over! It's infuriating to me to think after everything he would go back To this life ... I think it's a cop out and just shows that he LOVES the high! He doesn't care about me paying all the bills and working until my hands fall off just To buy milk. He's a veteran and has vivitrol for free, suboxone for free, counseling for free, he'll even rehab for free (which he's above, he has to go to the best top rehabs)!! I'm really fed up and feel so betrayed as usual and used once again! I feel like upon confronting him tonight I'm not going to come from a good place as advised, I feel like I'm going to end up flipping the table because that's how angry I am that all of our efforts have been for nothing..... I'm sure I'll calm down a bit by then but I won't be able to fall for the bullCrap another second! Pull it together or be gone!
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Old 12-06-2016, 07:50 AM
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He doesn't care about me paying all the bills and working until my hands fall off just To buy milk.
Is that the kind of life you want to live? You working your hands off while he uses? Because that’s your future with this guy.

He doesn’t want to stop using, he’s proven that to you and his mother several times now. What’s one more confrontation going to do? What is your bottom line?
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Old 12-06-2016, 08:07 AM
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Oh, I totally understand that anger.

Many hugs for you. Make this the last confrontation. Maybe something will stick if he's alone and homeless on Christmas.

...or not, but you know. Tis the season of hope and all. Bleh.
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Old 12-06-2016, 08:41 AM
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all of our efforts have been for nothing..

this was never about YOUR effort. this is not YOUR battle. he's been to rehab, again and again, and his CHOICE is to resume using as soon as possible. he lies to you, uses you, and has shown you what your future with him will continue to be.

what if YOU quit fighting his fight? what if you accepted WHAT IS.
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Old 12-06-2016, 08:52 AM
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My boyfriend stopped confronting me. When he found alcohol in the house he would put it on the kitchen table. When I would see it I would get the biggest 'pang' in my head and heart. I would sit him down and tell him that I needed help. I was the one who had to feel his pain and dissappointment without him saying a word. It was more powerful than a verbal confrontation. This only works if the person still feels regret and remorse and can feel how much pain he is causing to the loved ones.
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Old 12-06-2016, 09:08 AM
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I remember when I pulled my MIL aside to tell her my STBX had tested positive for meth. She seemed so unfazed. I was so surprised- I expected her to be shocked and to maybe help me stage an intervention. I asked her if she was willing to talk to him.

She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "And what would that do? If he does admit to using (at the time he was saying it was a false positive) what do you want to happen?"

I said, "Well, if he's using, then I want him to go to rehab."

She replied with, "And what exactly would that DO?"

I was so frustrated. I felt like she didn't care about her own son. But looking back, I think maybe it's because, being an addict herself, she realized that my always pushing him into rehab wasn't accomplishing anything because he didn't WANT the help.

Well, I finally saw the light. Not at that moment, but eventually. I'm 8 months "sober" from that dysfunctional relationship. And I am so much happier. I never would have imagined feeling this way. I thought I "needed" him- he was my "soul mate". But the truth was, I didn't trust myself. I didn't think I could make it without him. I didn't think I'd be a good parent without him. The opposite has been true. I'm a much better mother, a much better human being, and I love the life I'm building without him.

Trust yourself. You can't trust him- he's proven that to you again and again.

If he is worthy of another chance, he can prove it before you get back together with him. I know it seems terrifying to take that chance. But what you've been doing isn't working. Time for Plan B.
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:41 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
this was never about YOUR effort. this is not YOUR battle. he's been to rehab, again and again, and his CHOICE is to resume using as soon as possible.
My daughter later told me she shot up dilaudid, 30 mins after getting out of the last detox I essentially forced her into. I remember feeling so disgusted with her and then myself, because I basically threw away $3500 on something she didn't want or ask for. It was something I wanted. I made it all about me.
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Old 12-06-2016, 02:12 PM
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I have nothing to add to the sbove wisdom but send hugs and my prayers that you will find your answers.

It's such a hard time of year to go through this.

Hugs
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Old 12-06-2016, 03:59 PM
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Afternoon update!!!! Omg

Well after finding the needle I decided to search the house, found his hidden "journal" and discovered he's been cheating on me with a 19 year old girl from rehab....... I have no words. He's 28! We're engaged and own a home!!! I kicked him out, he gave me the house keys and got his garbage bags filled with clothes. I feel like dying....
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Old 12-06-2016, 04:04 PM
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Life without an addict is far, far better than life with one. You will see this in time. Hugs.
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Old 12-06-2016, 04:10 PM
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ugh.

Addicts are not known for making good decisions. I know that's an understatement.

I hope you can do something nice for yourself tonight. How about clean sheets, a hot shower and clean night clothes? Some hot tea and a comedy on TV might help. Bright toenail polish always cheers me up. Never underestimate the power of self-care.

If you can, refrain from contact with him - it will just make it worse.
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Old 12-06-2016, 04:21 PM
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Nelly....look at it this way---you are better off, tonight, than you were this morning!
You have removed some bad stuff from your life......
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Old 12-06-2016, 07:27 PM
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way better to know this stuff NOW then after the wedding....or the kids.....it doesn't FEEL like this is a good thing, but in time it will.
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