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My fiance and I are both in recovery, he relapsed. Very long post, need advice



My fiance and I are both in recovery, he relapsed. Very long post, need advice

Old 12-03-2016, 09:40 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 4
My fiance and I are both in recovery, he relapsed. Very long post, need advice

here's some background info:
8 years ago I cheated on my boyfriend with Ralph. For years Ralph and I were unavailable and active heroin users... we always wanted each other, always flirted, but never acted. Two years ago, our timing was finally right; we were both clean, both single, and by chance reconnected in Oct 2014. It just worked between us immediately. If soulmates are a real thing, I believe he's mine. Things were great, in the beginning we both drank a little bit, but that stopped by mid-january. He was on probation, I didn't judge him about it because I went through it too.
Fast forward to April of this year, On April 30th I was frighteningly close to successfully ending my life. He sat with me for 2 weeks, leaving the hospital only 2 times to get clothes and shower stuff. I was in a coma and when they took me off the ventilator I didn't wake up. The hospital staff told him I would most likely have serious brain damage IF I woke up. he still tells me how scared he was, he has nightmares about the staff's faces when they realized I wasn't waking up...
BUT I DID WAKE UP, and at first I thought I was brain damaged, but I'm not...
While I was in the mental hospital, he saw on my phone some old emails.. they were from when we first started dating and they were hard evidence that my escorting days hadn't ended before we got together like I told him.
he forgave me.
Fast forward to June, a month after I was released from hospital, he relapses on crack. We fight, we make up, and a couple weeks later, he's high on opiates. I always know if hes lying or high because I'm an addict. He goes into detox. Then things are fine, my birthday comes along (Aug 4th) we celebrate and it was great (I hate my birthday so that is a fete). The Friday after, he disappears... won't answer my calls. So he's getting high.
This time I leave. He fails his 3rd drug test and is reprobated. He found out right after that I had seen more than one client at the beginning of our relationship, he was crushed. He sleeps with his ex in exchange for fentanyl and for revenge. a few weeks pass and I agree to meet up. He used Fentanyl everyday we were apart, he goes to detox. He gets out, we get dinner and talk.
He stays clean. Things are wonderful between us, but our lease was up at our apartment so we move into his mom's temporarily. His little brother smokes crack and his family are all drunks. He suggests going away for a few days for our anniversary, it was the most perfect few days of my life. I don't think either of us have ever been so genuinely happy. We stayed up all night making love, having amazing conversations, laughing, singing, or was perfection.
we get home to his Nana dying, his ex's mom dying, a warrant for his arrest for missing a breathalyzer test while he was in the hospital and thanksgiving the next day. We have a great thanksgiving. Friday he goes to hang out with his brother to "give me peace and quiet to do my homework" his brother is drinking with all his friends so an hour later I text Ralph. No response. I'm nervous. I call. I know it was my own insecurity but I told him I felt uncomfortable knowing he was with all of them after all the stress and his recent relapses. He won't come to meeting with me.
so I leave, out of anger I say "I know you're getting drunk or high, its over. I don't trust you fully yet and I can't believe after the anniversary we had" (which I spent $900 on and I'm a full-time BROKE student)
He gets mad because he wasn't drinking or high. Then he leaves, goes and gets drunk, then goes to a strip cub, then does coke. He comes home hysterically crying, but out of anger I told him I didn't care. I told him he'll never be anything more than a junkie and a crack head, that he's a scum bag that's almost 30 and lives at his mothers...
I told him he deserves to die. I told him that it should've been him in the coma.
An hour later the ambulance arrived, he took my advice. He took every pill I had.
He's in a DDU, he's going to long term treatment. Since he's been there he's called literally 10x a day, everyday. To the point of excess. So Friday and Saturday afternoon are my only days without school or work and he calls once. I visited him, brought him all of his stuff... and now it's like he's embarrassed to talk to me. he bragged how all of the guys are jealous of him, but the one phone call he made on my two days off was while everyone was at dinner...when they came back up he said "I gotta go, they're back from dinner" like 3 minutes into the call. Then today, Saturday, he calls... and then I hear a girl ask if she could shower, and then he asked right after if he could shower and said gotta go bye, call you later. He never called.
On the one hand, getting clean and sorting out mental issues is a hard path you have to take yourself. It is his own.
on the other hand, I'm worried he met a girl. I have never been nervous about him cheating, the one time he did he told me with the hour and he didn't stop sobbing for days. But I'm nervous. Should I be?
Should I confront him? If I do I'll let him know it's my own insecurities, nothing he's doing. I'm at an impass, I've always been the one with the drug problem, never the sober one.
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Old 12-04-2016, 05:27 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hey, Wandering. Welcome to SR. Things are sounding a bit scary for you both right now. Assume you are not using? Rehab is likely where he should be at this mment. Try not to worry. Stay clean. Breathe. Things will go the way they will go.
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Old 12-04-2016, 08:22 AM
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You assume correctly, I'm still clean and sober, and extremely grateful for that! Thank you, it's funny I'm not typically a worrier, so thanks for the reply.
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Old 12-04-2016, 08:52 AM
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Old 12-04-2016, 10:32 AM
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Location: W Washington
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it sounds like time apart is best for both of you. lots of toxic, damaging events have transpired. he is where he needs to be. now is your chance to get yourself settled down, mind cleared, and double down on your recovery.
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Old 12-06-2016, 07:48 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Sounds like a lot of stress and many reasons for trust to be destroyed. It's good he's going to be in long term treatment, I think. Hopefully that will you a break to get strong and healthy and figure out where to go from here. You have a love for one another but lots discord mixed in and the addiction issues of course make everything worse.
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