Ann

Did you make it to a meeting Erin? If not, keep it in mind. It's hard to describe the feelings I had once I began going. The first 3 meetings I just sat and cried and everyone there were so understanding and handed me tissues and let me listen. Then, when I found the courage to share, it was like a huge weight had been lifted, I knew I was with safe people who truly understood my pain. It took a few meetings before I became really comfortable but I can honestly say that those meetings saved my life and my sanity.

My initial thoughts were "why do I need meetings, HE'S the one with the problem?" But I was sick too, heart sick and living in fear every day and those meetings and working the steps changed my life and I have never looked back since.

We're walking with you, no matter what you choose.

Big hugs

endlesssjourney

After reading your reply I can't help but to draw parallels between our situations. I, too, got married under a shroud of an addiction I knew nothing about. I thought I had a best friend, confidant, and ally in my husband. After a year of meetings, therapy, intensive workshops, and reading a ton of books, I understand addiction and codependency so much better than I did when it all came out. The thing is, being the wife of an addict forces you to go against your instincts every hour of every day. It is our instinct to protect, care for, advise, and love our partner to the end of the earth. But when that partner is an addict, it is a constant battle to get to the real truth if they are not in recovery. You can't drive the bus of his recovery. I really hate to make snap judgements or generalizations, but there are certain traits that actve addicts possess that go across the board. One such trait is the uncanny ability to lie non stop in order to protect the addiction. It is above you right now in his mind. For them it feels like their drug of choice equals survival. This is true if they are high or not until they surrender and get in recovery. Another trait is they will stop at nothing to keep their lifestyle going. This means stealing, manipulating, whatever they have to do, they will do it. He is not thinking like you are about this marriage. He is incapable of real honesty or loyalty right now. His loyalty is to his drug. And using other substances will 100% lead him right back to heroin. It's not easy to wrap your brain around any of this. It's downright devastating. You are right to listen to your gut feeling about not being able to trust him. You absolutely cannot. He can and will say whatever he needs to to allow you to enable him. He's trying to guilt you into continuing to enable him by turning the tables on you, suggesting that your lack of trust is your problem. This is gas lighting and deflection, common defense mechanisms of addict behavior. My ex husbands drug counselor made it very clear that I was loving my exhusband to death, literally. By doing things he should do for himself, not letting him face his own consequences, not allowing him to be accountable for basic adult functions such as working and paying bills. You must get help for yourself right away. The actions that will save you and your sanity right now are not intuitive. You need professional guidance. Nothing helped me as much as attending a week long intensive family workshop at a rehab facility. It was a crash course in boundary setting, what to expect, and how not to keep myself in that sick place with him. It is a progressive disease. No one recovers in a vacuum, including the addict. If he tries to do it on his own, he will get much worse before the world comes crashing down around him, it's only a matter or time. If you try to stick in out with him only trusting your wifely instincts, you will get so sick right along with him. Please get help for yourself no matter what he does. I wish someone would have been this frank with me when my nightmare started. The answers will come to you one day at time, but you must put yourself first, every minute of every day.

ErinKaye

So yesterday was just a terrible day for me, I think it's why I kept breaking down and trying to understand every bit of this at once.....I did not make it last week to the meetings or this week....but I have 3 on my calendar for next week that I plan on attending (things got a little crazy with my 2nd job, and they're randomly closing the bar down permanently tomorrow....so I had to pick up as many shifts as possible before they closed)....So as of right now I'm planning on a Tuesday 6pm meeting, Wednesday 8:30pm meeting, and Thursday 7:15pm meeting - I want to try a few of them out - maybe I'll like one of the groups better than the other.....or maybe i'll like them all and start going to all of them.....I don't know what to expect, but I do know I'm very nervous already about it.

I know this is what I need, because there's only so much I can do right now to help him - he's in 100% full denial - so I need to start working on me, because as all of you have also felt, I'm just completely and utterly destroyed at this point. I've also seen my therapist 3 times now (which my husband is now telling he doesn't want me to see her because she's filling my head full of sh*t), and it helps too. I'm going to check out the book "Codependents No More" - and I'm going to start educating myself about Heroin - I think it's the only way to try to understand how his crazy mind is working right now.

This really might be the most difficult thing I'll ever face in my life....I know I'm strong, but this is hard! Every day is a new (terrible) feeling....I'm afraid I'll come home at some point and find him dead and OD'd - and then have to call his family and tell them, and them hating me and blaming me for not telling them he was using.....he swears he'll never talk to me again if I tell his family.

I just need to take this one day at a time, breathe through these terrible sinking heart feelings - and work on ME right now. You are all SO amazing, and I really can't express enough how happy I am that I found this group.

I'm reading every single post and taking every single word to heart - please know you're all helping in more ways than you could ever imagine!!!

hopeful4

He does not want you to tell his family b/c it will be even harder for him. That is part of accepting responsibility. You tell who you need to tell to make sure you have a face to face network of support for yourself. You deserve that.

I am glad you have different meetings in mind, many times it takes going to a few before you find a group you click with. It's good you already know that. I also think you are taking steps to educate yourself, which is a great thing.

Many hugs to you. Above all else, you are not alone!

endlesssjourney

Erin I was an army of one, just like you feel right now. I was there. This will not look the same today as it will a month from now. I agree, he is dodging responsibility and really trying to back you into a corner. His addiction will make him abuse you and isolate you in order to control you and keep you right there in the dark with him. Mine did the same thing. The sheer terror of losing him to death or to divorce had me frozen in place for a while. I just couldn't share this with anyone. As they say in recovery, we are as sick as our secrets. Protecting him will kill him. Ignore your instincts to go along with his wishes. Unless it is " I want treatment", it's going to be an abusive manipulation. Your psyche won't allow you to take all of this in at once and others will be able to see things you can't see yet. Just keep holding on, it will get easier and clearer little by little. It took me months to even begin to have a good feeling about anything, much less clarity. The things that people told me i must do were very shocking. Get divorced? Not talk to him anymore? These were incomprehensible thoughts. I'm not suggesting that is what you do. I'm just trying to illustrate that if you get some knowledge about what you are up against, your thoughts and feelings about all of this are bound to change. Remember you are not dealing with a normal person right now. Very sick, very delusional. And it can happen to us, too. Props to you for grabbing at your recovery resources right off the bat.

Ann

It's a very good idea to try several meetings and see what fits best for you. Personally I went to Al-anon and CoDA and got lots of support and wisdom from both.

Good luck, keep taking care of yourself and the rest will come.

Hugs

SorroW22

Sorry to hear about this for you. I also am new here ( 3 weeks). Everyone here is so helpful so don't hesitate to post. Hugs to you

AnvilheadII

that he has been using for <AT LEAST> 3-4 years and you didn't know indicates that the man in your house is a stranger.....its all been built on lies and deception. yes, there is a glimmer of hope in that he admitted such to you......but he's still smoking weed AND drinking AND getting subs FROM HIS DEALER. that's a recipe for disaster.

in a sense, his admission and yet firm denial makes you complicit in his problem.....he doesn't want YOU to seek help and has "forbidden" you from telling his family. he wants you in on the SECRET.

tough sledding no doubt. while it is essential for you to learn about addiction, you'll never really GET how HIS mind works. addiction is cunning and baffling and powerful. i'm glad to hear that you are going to get to meetings FOR YOU. you need as much if not more help than he does right now!

SorroW22

Erin- i still have not been able to find and attend a mtg because i'm in such a small town and all meetings are at least 35 min away Kids, jobs, babysitter, etc... Makes it hard to get there- BUT these people posting have served as my meetings!!!!!!! Truly, their words have held me above water these past 3 weeks.

That being sd- anvil sd something about him not wanting you to tell his family???? Girl quit worrying about him!!!!!! You go get all the support you need - he IS NOT thinking straight- he CAN NOT think straight. ( i'm learning and living this basically as i'm typing this ). My H was so mad when i involved his family- but we just ignored it and kept trying to help. Thankfully, 3 weeks later he is telling me thank you for involving them.

Like i sd, i'm new - not at all a person to be giving advice but i'm learning everyday and will do whatever i can to help others.

Stay stong erin- dont give up- keep posting!!

AnonWife

Excellent advice Sorro. I second your thoughts. Telling other family scares him but family influence can make the difference and be what pushes a person to get professional help they need, but are unable to realize they need becauase they are too sick. Plus it gives you more support .

Praying

I complied with my X's wishes not to tell...and didn't tell MY family so they wouldn't "hate" him in case he got clean and we were happy...

And I can tell you- the day I was drowning in isolation and finally told them to save MY life...was the best thing...a huge weight lifted... understanding... assistance... my world changed. If I had it to do again I'd have done it immediately. I was suffering in a hell he created. It wasn't very husband-ish for his pride and selfishness to ask that of me. I also learned that every time I questioned if I was being a good wife I should also ask if he was being a good husband...to make sure I was fair in my expectations of myself.

He doesn't get to decide who your support system is. If he divorces you for reaching out to family...well, that seems pretty childish. If you end up apart I don't believe it will be because you reached out, even if he claims that.

Mine got furious when I told and claimed he couldn't trust me (hahaha on that)...then it subsided and he moved on to other anger.

Sending you hugs.

ErinKaye

I just can't get over the support you all have been! I'm going to my first al-anon meeting tonight at 6....very nervous about it, but I'm ready to start this part of my own treatment - because I'm still a crazy emotional mess. Of course he's still saying he's not an addict and someone who used to use Heroin.....but I am 99.9% sure he used Friday night (I was working my 2nd job), Saturday night (I was working my 2nd job), and last night after I went to bed.....again, not 100% sure, but pretty damn close!

I look at him and feel anger and disgust, I feel sorry for him, I feel disappointed...it's just a flood of emotions non-stop! He's out of town for business now (Yes, he really is....I have copies of his itineraries, etc) but in the back of my mind I wonder if he'll find a way to use out there.....! Yesterday he gave me this long run-around about the dry cleaners pipes bursting and them not getting his suit dry cleaned and he had to rush around to find someone to do it.....and instantly I thought "God, will you please just stop lying to me!" - for all I know the pipes did burst, it was -10 when I woke up yesterday morning.....

Again - I really thank every single one of you for taking the time to respond to me on advice or even your own experience.....and I wish I could each and every one of you a huge hug!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

ErinKaye

I finally was able to make it to my first meeting last night. I tried Tuesday but the meeting listed on the al-anon website didn't even exist when I went there and sat for 25 mins, haha. Wednesday night I felt so mentally defeated I went to bed at around 7:30pm. I forced myself to get up and go last night - I'm really glad I did...it was a great experience....and I'm really looking forward to getting more involved, getting a sponsor and working the steps, and hopefully getting better every single day. My husband...he's another story - still in full denial....but right now it's all about me.

SorroW22

Good for you!!

ErinKaye

Just wanted to update everyone.....this weekend was a major turning point for me, as he's definitely still using....so I dialed up his family and told them.....praying everything goes up from here - they're trying to figure out a way to talk to him now, without involving me as we believe he might get very angry! Please continue to pray!

zoso77

I think his family will quickly learn there is no reasoning with him unless he's willing to take responsibility for his future.

Take care of you, and thanks for the update.

MissUs2015

Stopping all substances is ideal but could serve as an argument toward deflection--I can't quit everything, so why quit H? The H seems to be the issue on the table and a reasonable issue to start focusing on.

ErinKaye

WOW!!! WOW!!! He admitted it to his dad! His dad came down yesterday morning and told him he's known all along, and since he had 58 voicemails on their home answering machine from bill collectors it finally sunk in, and they were in denial. He admitted it! Now I have a HUGE support system, and even more people to help hold him accountable! Thanks again for all the continued support and prayers!

Hawkeye13

That's great Erin
Thank you for the update and I hope it's the beginning of
some positive action on your AH's part.

hopeful4

That is really good news Erin. The more support you have the better.