My Wounds are So Deep

Old 03-03-2016, 02:46 AM
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My Wounds are So Deep

I've been with my AH since High School and we married 10 years later. I can't explain why I thought things would get better when grew older. He was using meth and heroin during out relationship but because I experimented with drugs myself and was able to quit on my own I figured he would too like all teenagers do! . I figured it was teenage thing that we would both grow out of, mind you, he was in and out of rehab and I was his only support and when we finally decided to get married I thought he had been clean for a while. Then during our honeymoon I discovered he was still using meth at which point he decided to go back to a sober living home and got the help he needed. Shortly after treatment we had an opportunity to buy a house out of state and so we moved and the next 5 years were the best: he managed to stay sober, we had a child and I thought for sure my child would be the shield he needed to keep him sober forever. and at the same time, I was feeling homesick and we made the decision to move: we had baby #2, my AH completed a Bachelor's degree and graduated as the Valedictorian for his class, we've traveled to amazing places and put our kids into sports. Well it was at our 8 year old's Football league where he met the one person who he claims insisted more than once and my AH finally gave in. After more than 10 years of being sober he relapsed. At this point he's been using 5 months and I'm re-living the past except now I have 2 boys who adore him but at the same time, it angers me soon deeply that they weren't enough to keep him strong and sober. I have so many emotions running through my veins. I went to some NA meetings with him then we stopped because I didn't think that was a good idea, so I went to Naranon meetings but when he said he was seeking treatment his schedule interfered with my naranon meetings so I stopped going and he eventually stopped going. And just as things seem to be looking brighter I make the mistake of asking about his use and we're back to where we started (me feeling hopeless, sad, why me? my kids deserve better because I have the best boys in the world, etc.) now I feel emotionally drained and needed to vent somehow so thank you for letting me share my story. Where we are today is I had promised him to move forward and I would try my best to not ask him of his recent past drug use because I didn't think he was actively using and I told him I would only bring it up if I felt he needed help and low and behold, I read a txt message to his boss telling him he had another argument with me and he , 3 hours later after I saw him leave the house!! So I tried to be as calm as possible and asked him to take a drug test for me so I could move forward from this and he acted defensive but he agreed to do it and of course, it came back positive for Meth. And after more lies (on his end) and all the arguing he called me in the room and asked me to help him find a recovery place. I'm at a loss, idk what to look for, I have Kaiser and I'm not sure how that works so I'll call them later today and I also needed to know if anyone is aware of a family session because we all need the support. My kids don't know but I want to learn coping skills so that I maintain my healthy relationship with my boys. Any advice is helpful and welcome. Thank you all very much for taking the time to read my story.
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Old 03-03-2016, 05:32 AM
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Deeplybrkn...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you to us, but I'm also thankful that you made the effort to post. Other members will be by to greet you in due course. Until they do, I'd like to share my thoughts with you.

When you made the decision to marry and have children with a meth/heroin addict, you concurrently assumed the risk of the worst case scenario. What is the worst case scenario? What you've described above: a relapse with children in the picture.

My intention, Deeplybrkn, is not to adjudicate what has already happened, or to slam you for your decisions. My intention is to merely point out that every decision we made has intended and unintended consequences. For whatever reasons you had, you hitched your wagon to him. And in that regard, you're certainly not alone. We have a lot of women here who've made similar calls which have come back to bite them in the backside.

So now it's gut check time. From what you describe, it sounds like you're preparing to ride this out with him. If that's your play, OK, but you need to assess what the risk is, both to you and your children. And after assessing that risk, any and all options should be on the table, including options that you may not necessarily want to pull the trigger on.

Keep us posted, be safe, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 03-03-2016, 10:54 AM
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Welcome, I totally feel you! I actually got pregnant before we married and knew he was occasionally using and gradually realized it was more than I thought, but I married him anyway. Thinking with God, me and our baby that it would end not realizing the addiction had already started before I got into the picture. It did get better for a little while and now back on the roller coaster again and in the same predictiment. I'm at the cross roads now of trying ti decide to stick it out or deal with my loss. Lots of luck to you on this journey and I will be praying for you.
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Old 03-03-2016, 11:21 AM
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Hi DeeplyBrkn,

So sorry to see your family in crisis. One thing that stands out here is apparently your H has had some significant sober time. How did he get sober last time?

If he's sincere about quitting again, have him do the networking to find his own detox/rehab facility that will take him with his insurance. This is his mistake and its his to fix.
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Old 03-04-2016, 11:30 AM
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Thank you all for responding, it means a lot in because the feeling of loneliness while dealing with this is all too real. His 10 year sobriety came from him doing the 12 step program while in a sober living home and shortly after he came back from sober living we moved out of state. I agree in that this is his mistake and He needs to fix it. I'm on an emotional roller coaster as u can imagine sometimes I'm strong, at times I hate him and can't stand him and most of the time I'm still in love with him and want the old person back and be done with the AH forever, but yes I'm aware this is hardly a possibility. I will definitely keep u all posted, right now he says he's researching on his own but we'll see if that's true or not.
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