New to Addiction / Husband is an addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 11
New to Addiction / Husband is an addict
I JUST found out on new years day that my husband has been using heroin (I knew there was something going on, but my mind never led me to heroin) for 3 -4 years......I'm slowly coming to the realization that this isn't a dream, that my the man I married has been lying to me, stealing from me, going behind my back......we even walked into this marriage (1.5 years ago) under false pretenses.
Me, I'm not giving up - I'm going to support him, and help him through recovery - but he believes he can work through this alone, and is self-medicating through suboxone therapy that he's buying from his dealer.....I don't agree with this at all, I wish he would go into a treatment center and be seen/helped by a professional.
I believe I'm going to attend my first meeting tonight, but I'm going to go to an al-anon meeting, as there are only 2 nar-anon meetings that don't fit into my schedule all of the time.....I'm also seeing my therapist as well....
So my question is....where do I start? I just want to break down every 10 minutes when I begin to think about it. Hell....I called off work yesterday because I couldn't handle it, and I cried and slept all day.
Me, I'm not giving up - I'm going to support him, and help him through recovery - but he believes he can work through this alone, and is self-medicating through suboxone therapy that he's buying from his dealer.....I don't agree with this at all, I wish he would go into a treatment center and be seen/helped by a professional.
I believe I'm going to attend my first meeting tonight, but I'm going to go to an al-anon meeting, as there are only 2 nar-anon meetings that don't fit into my schedule all of the time.....I'm also seeing my therapist as well....
So my question is....where do I start? I just want to break down every 10 minutes when I begin to think about it. Hell....I called off work yesterday because I couldn't handle it, and I cried and slept all day.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Hello
I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you must be feeling. I cannot offer too much advice, as I am new to all of this too. My abf of 6 years just checked into rehab, but I started my education about a month ago by reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Its an eyeopener on some behaviors that I wasn't even aware of how unhealthy they are for myself, and my A. I am learning that you really need to start your own healing process before you can help your loved. Good luck on this journey.
I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you must be feeling. I cannot offer too much advice, as I am new to all of this too. My abf of 6 years just checked into rehab, but I started my education about a month ago by reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Its an eyeopener on some behaviors that I wasn't even aware of how unhealthy they are for myself, and my A. I am learning that you really need to start your own healing process before you can help your loved. Good luck on this journey.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I married a man with huge drug and financial problems, too. I also didn't know it.
Heroin is nasty: theft and loss of work are real problems you are going to deal with. I would suggest that you get some legal advice so you can protect your assets. Get a separate bank account, separate credit card/debit card and checking account right away. Change your accounts to different banks. Change your passcodes for any and all accounts, including your computer, email, and phone. Take any jewelry and valuables and put them in a safety deposit box.
Heroin is nasty: theft and loss of work are real problems you are going to deal with. I would suggest that you get some legal advice so you can protect your assets. Get a separate bank account, separate credit card/debit card and checking account right away. Change your accounts to different banks. Change your passcodes for any and all accounts, including your computer, email, and phone. Take any jewelry and valuables and put them in a safety deposit box.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Alanon is an excellent start. We have welcomed many members whose loved ones struggle with drug addiction. Our literature refers to "the alcoholic" but the principle is the same. It's the same in our area. There's at least one Alanon meeting every day but only one Naranon meeting.
I agree that your husband's "solution" is unlikely to be successful in the long term, but that's his choice and his journey. What you can do is find some support for yourself (here, therapy and Alanon is an excellent start), educate yourself about the realities of addiction and start taking steps to protect your finances. You said that he's been stealing from you to feed his addiction. Unfortunately that's very common.
I know you probably feel a lot of pressure to DO SOMETHING DRASTIC RIGHT NOW, but that's just a feeling. You don't have to act on it.
I agree that your husband's "solution" is unlikely to be successful in the long term, but that's his choice and his journey. What you can do is find some support for yourself (here, therapy and Alanon is an excellent start), educate yourself about the realities of addiction and start taking steps to protect your finances. You said that he's been stealing from you to feed his addiction. Unfortunately that's very common.
I know you probably feel a lot of pressure to DO SOMETHING DRASTIC RIGHT NOW, but that's just a feeling. You don't have to act on it.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hi, Erin...
Welcome to the Board. I'm really, really sorry about what has brought you here. But I'm also glad you're here, and I am pleased that you plan on attending a meeting this evening. So allow me to share my thoughts:
Regarding meetings...I personally found them very helpful, but it can be a bit intimating going into one for the first time. If you're not comfortable sharing right away, there is no shame in that. You may find it helpful to simply listen to how others have gone through what you're about to go through.
As far as this goes --
-- yup, that about sums it up. And you're amongst people who've been where you are. That said, we're not marriage counselors here, and I like what ladyscribbler says about not acting on the pressure to make a drastic decision. So take a breath. Read as much as you can stomach here. Read how our members dealt with a betrayal of this magnitude. You're about to embark on a rough ride, but there is hope for you. There is always hope.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm really, really sorry about what has brought you here. But I'm also glad you're here, and I am pleased that you plan on attending a meeting this evening. So allow me to share my thoughts:
Regarding meetings...I personally found them very helpful, but it can be a bit intimating going into one for the first time. If you're not comfortable sharing right away, there is no shame in that. You may find it helpful to simply listen to how others have gone through what you're about to go through.
As far as this goes --
I'm slowly coming to the realization that this isn't a dream, that my the man I married has been lying to me, stealing from me, going behind my back......we even walked into this marriage (1.5 years ago) under false pretenses.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Going to Al-anon is a very good start. I got my help from both Al-anon and CoDA and they bother were very similar fellowships that were about me and not my son's substance.
What I learned there helped me regain my balance and begin to live a healthy life. The 12-Steps remain a good foundation for better living, I used them often in all my life situations, not just when dealing with my son's addiction or the loss of him to it.
Please let us know how you make out, I have a feeling you just gave yourself a wonderful present.
What I learned there helped me regain my balance and begin to live a healthy life. The 12-Steps remain a good foundation for better living, I used them often in all my life situations, not just when dealing with my son's addiction or the loss of him to it.
Please let us know how you make out, I have a feeling you just gave yourself a wonderful present.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Hello Erin,
If your new and dont understand a lot about addiction I think it will help you to begin educating yourself on it. There is an incredible amount of info available to family members at rhe National Institute Drug Abuse. It will explain how people become addicted, how their brains and behaviors are affected by drugs, and THAT is crucial because there are lots of different approaches for us to take. And Ive founs I can understand my husbands behavior bwtter and make more reasoned choices when Im clear about whats going on. Here is a link to their site National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
Im reluctant to state opinions on other peoples recovery, but heroin is tough and I believe you are right - he needs professional help. The site above also explains what works beat to trea addiction from the medical perspective.
I hope you can get help from your therapist to process all of this. Im sure things are falling into place, this explains some of his behaviors. Has ro be confusing. But you know what? Lots of people dont find out for a long time.
I hope this works out for you. My husband is still currently using prescribed meds, some call a gateway to heroin. Im using Smart Recovery and happy with it so far.
Be well
If your new and dont understand a lot about addiction I think it will help you to begin educating yourself on it. There is an incredible amount of info available to family members at rhe National Institute Drug Abuse. It will explain how people become addicted, how their brains and behaviors are affected by drugs, and THAT is crucial because there are lots of different approaches for us to take. And Ive founs I can understand my husbands behavior bwtter and make more reasoned choices when Im clear about whats going on. Here is a link to their site National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
Im reluctant to state opinions on other peoples recovery, but heroin is tough and I believe you are right - he needs professional help. The site above also explains what works beat to trea addiction from the medical perspective.
I hope you can get help from your therapist to process all of this. Im sure things are falling into place, this explains some of his behaviors. Has ro be confusing. But you know what? Lots of people dont find out for a long time.
I hope this works out for you. My husband is still currently using prescribed meds, some call a gateway to heroin. Im using Smart Recovery and happy with it so far.
Be well
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 39
My late husband was a heroin addict. I have knowledge about suboxone and it is a great route, but not from a dealer. That connection I feel needs to cease for proper recovery, being out of that mentality/lifestyle is huge. Look into insurance suboxone Drs/therapy. My late husband had great success with this.
It's not easy to grasp but you are off to a great start getting an outlet for yourself and learn about this disease.
It's not easy to grasp but you are off to a great start getting an outlet for yourself and learn about this disease.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by LostinLove22 
My late husband was a heroin addict. I have knowledge about suboxone and it is a great route, but not from a dealer. That connection I feel needs to cease for proper recovery, being out of that mentality/lifestyle is huge. Look into insurance suboxone Drs/therapy. My late husband had great success with this.
It's not easy to grasp but you are off to a great start getting an outlet for yourself and learn about this disease.
It's not easy to grasp but you are off to a great start getting an outlet for yourself and learn about this disease.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 8
Welcome to this site...
You are not alone, there are many women who have been in the same situation, including myself. I found out 6 years into our marriage that he had been a cocaine addict for the past 12 years. I agree with the above posts regarding self protection and and putting yourself first--over him and his needs, over his recovery. He may or may not recover, but you don't have to go down with a sinking ship. Addicts can and do recover to go on and live fulfilling and rich lives with their partners. However, sometimes they don't and I would offer the following advice: separate your finances/assets/valuables to where he cannot have access, get your own therapy immediately, attend a family program at any rehab facility and educate yourself as much as possible about addiction and codependency, protect yourself health wise against STDs (addicts are known to cheat, my husband did), alanon/or naranon family groups several times a week to start, and daily self care (yoga, exercise, reading, massages, whatever you can do to remind yourself that you are a still a woman with value, despite what has happened to you.) It is a long road, my friend, but there is recovery for us, too. I wish you the best, wherever your journey may take you. My marriage did not work out and I moved to another state to ensure that I be safe emotionally. My marriage could not withstand the weight of the lies, affairs, stealing, and impregnating another woman in the throes of his addiction. As my therapist put it, all bets are off when it comes to addiction. I found this to be true. Hope for the best, but expect anything and take care of yourself.
You are not alone, there are many women who have been in the same situation, including myself. I found out 6 years into our marriage that he had been a cocaine addict for the past 12 years. I agree with the above posts regarding self protection and and putting yourself first--over him and his needs, over his recovery. He may or may not recover, but you don't have to go down with a sinking ship. Addicts can and do recover to go on and live fulfilling and rich lives with their partners. However, sometimes they don't and I would offer the following advice: separate your finances/assets/valuables to where he cannot have access, get your own therapy immediately, attend a family program at any rehab facility and educate yourself as much as possible about addiction and codependency, protect yourself health wise against STDs (addicts are known to cheat, my husband did), alanon/or naranon family groups several times a week to start, and daily self care (yoga, exercise, reading, massages, whatever you can do to remind yourself that you are a still a woman with value, despite what has happened to you.) It is a long road, my friend, but there is recovery for us, too. I wish you the best, wherever your journey may take you. My marriage did not work out and I moved to another state to ensure that I be safe emotionally. My marriage could not withstand the weight of the lies, affairs, stealing, and impregnating another woman in the throes of his addiction. As my therapist put it, all bets are off when it comes to addiction. I found this to be true. Hope for the best, but expect anything and take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 11
Thank you all for all of the replies - I'm not here for "marital counseling" or whining....I need to learn - and this was my first post....believe it or not it took me nearly an hour to even write it.
I can't even begin to explain the sick feeling I get when I even think of this - I can't focus at work, I can't focus at home.....and reading more and more makes me cry - but I know I need to get over that and learn learn learn!
So I wanted to reply at this point and thank all of you for responding, welcoming me, praying for me, sending virtual hugs....it's nice to know that I'm not as alone as I feel.....
Erin
I can't even begin to explain the sick feeling I get when I even think of this - I can't focus at work, I can't focus at home.....and reading more and more makes me cry - but I know I need to get over that and learn learn learn!
So I wanted to reply at this point and thank all of you for responding, welcoming me, praying for me, sending virtual hugs....it's nice to know that I'm not as alone as I feel.....
Erin
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Alanon is an excellent start. We have welcomed many members whose loved ones struggle with drug addiction. Our literature refers to "the alcoholic" but the principle is the same. It's the same in our area. There's at least one Alanon meeting every day but only one Naranon meeting.
I agree that your husband's "solution" is unlikely to be successful in the long term, but that's his choice and his journey. What you can do is find some support for yourself (here, therapy and Alanon is an excellent start), educate yourself about the realities of addiction and start taking steps to protect your finances. You said that he's been stealing from you to feed his addiction. Unfortunately that's very common.
I know you probably feel a lot of pressure to DO SOMETHING DRASTIC RIGHT NOW, but that's just a feeling. You don't have to act on it.
I agree that your husband's "solution" is unlikely to be successful in the long term, but that's his choice and his journey. What you can do is find some support for yourself (here, therapy and Alanon is an excellent start), educate yourself about the realities of addiction and start taking steps to protect your finances. You said that he's been stealing from you to feed his addiction. Unfortunately that's very common.
I know you probably feel a lot of pressure to DO SOMETHING DRASTIC RIGHT NOW, but that's just a feeling. You don't have to act on it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 11
Last night we fought quite a bit.....he keeps telling me that I HAVE to trust him, I HAVE to believe that he's not using, I Have to know that he's doing this on his own and will get better....I did raise my voice and tell him that I didn't HAVE to do anything.....that he's lied to me for so long that I don't have to trust him, and he has to rebuild that trust back.
I know everyone says I can't push him into a rehab or into going to a doctor....that he has to want to do that on his own - right? Will he ever? It's so scary to think that he thinks he can just kick it.....he said he's not an addict - still smokes weed.....and drinks - which I know both of these are going to have to stop completely - so will they? Will he eventually realize that he IS in fact an addict and needs the help?? :'(
I know everyone says I can't push him into a rehab or into going to a doctor....that he has to want to do that on his own - right? Will he ever? It's so scary to think that he thinks he can just kick it.....he said he's not an addict - still smokes weed.....and drinks - which I know both of these are going to have to stop completely - so will they? Will he eventually realize that he IS in fact an addict and needs the help?? :'(
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
He may.
He may not. Some people chase alcohol, weed and/or heroin into jail or the grave and they will deny it to their loved ones until the very end. No way to know.
How long are you willing to live in this kind of pain?
You just have to watch his actions and decide what you are willing to live with.
He may not. Some people chase alcohol, weed and/or heroin into jail or the grave and they will deny it to their loved ones until the very end. No way to know.
How long are you willing to live in this kind of pain?
You just have to watch his actions and decide what you are willing to live with.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I JUST found out on new years day that my husband has been using heroin (I knew there was something going on, but my mind never led me to heroin) for 3 -4 years......I'm slowly coming to the realization that this isn't a dream, that my the man I married has been lying to me, stealing from me, going behind my back......we even walked into this marriage (1.5 years ago) under false pretenses.
he keeps telling me that I HAVE to trust him, I HAVE to believe that he's not using, I Have to know that he's doing this on his own and will get better....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by zoso77
I've quoted the above from your first post. So when I read this --
-- on what basis should you trust him?
-- on what basis should you trust him?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Erin, I know it breaks your heart. And I'm really, really sorry about that.
The truly dangerous thing about heroin is it actually changes the user's brain chemistry. Even after someone has successfully detoxed from it, their brain remembers what it feels like to be under the influence of it. So when that person's having a bad day, and their emotions feel like they're cranked to 11, their brain's telling them, You know how to make this go away.
That's what he's up against, Erin. This is an uphill battle, and the chances he'll recover are not in his favor You need to prepare yourself for that possibility, that he won't recover. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
The truly dangerous thing about heroin is it actually changes the user's brain chemistry. Even after someone has successfully detoxed from it, their brain remembers what it feels like to be under the influence of it. So when that person's having a bad day, and their emotions feel like they're cranked to 11, their brain's telling them, You know how to make this go away.
That's what he's up against, Erin. This is an uphill battle, and the chances he'll recover are not in his favor You need to prepare yourself for that possibility, that he won't recover. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
It does really suck to not be able to trust your husband. It hurts. You can't trust him though. Not anything. You can, however, trust yourself. Take care of yourself right now. You've gotten a lot of really good advice here.
Make sure you lock up any checkbooks you may have. Hide any jewelry and electronics you don't want to go missing.
Hang around here for support.
Make sure you lock up any checkbooks you may have. Hide any jewelry and electronics you don't want to go missing.
Hang around here for support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Trust is hard Erin. My husband is functional and he is still using. I can make a disconnect between understanding I cant trust him to be honest of he is using. If he feels he needs to lie to protect using he will. Its almost instinctual and its not about me because its a symptom of addiction. BUT I can trust him im unrelated things. So I try to be careful not to let my distrust and doubt creep into all areas because it only comes across as me changing, doubting him, distrusting him. And of course he feels it and will respond with more negative actions or words and then a circle.of this begins.
Have you thought about what he could do to back up and prove his efforts are sincere? Im sorry I cant remember did he tell you, or did you catch him? Is he willing to talk to you about his plan to use subs to get off H? Its bad to say but even if he went to a clinic and was prescribed subs there is still his choice to use them and an issue of trust again. It will be ongoing for a while.
My goal is to try and not break my relationship by inserting my own negativity into it. In m case I want to be supportive and encouraging, but also realistic for the sake of our daughter. Venting me feelings, or walking on the tradmill, yoga are things to help me balance my emotions so I can react to my husband based on fact of what I see ( like regardless of what you say dear, i see you have been drinking so I will just take our daughter to the grocery with me, but thanks for offering to watch her) otherwise I could scream at him Its not safe to leave her with you! But it wouldnt help either of us. So I need to balance my own emotions and still be watchful but not filled with anger because he is sick with addiction. Its real and he's still got denial. I see cracks its breaking even stating facts like I showed above reach him as I can tell from his responses. But my point was trust is hard even if your husband is trying. Slips are common and it may not derail his overall effort but keep the defenses up and keep your wits.
Have you thought about what he could do to back up and prove his efforts are sincere? Im sorry I cant remember did he tell you, or did you catch him? Is he willing to talk to you about his plan to use subs to get off H? Its bad to say but even if he went to a clinic and was prescribed subs there is still his choice to use them and an issue of trust again. It will be ongoing for a while.
My goal is to try and not break my relationship by inserting my own negativity into it. In m case I want to be supportive and encouraging, but also realistic for the sake of our daughter. Venting me feelings, or walking on the tradmill, yoga are things to help me balance my emotions so I can react to my husband based on fact of what I see ( like regardless of what you say dear, i see you have been drinking so I will just take our daughter to the grocery with me, but thanks for offering to watch her) otherwise I could scream at him Its not safe to leave her with you! But it wouldnt help either of us. So I need to balance my own emotions and still be watchful but not filled with anger because he is sick with addiction. Its real and he's still got denial. I see cracks its breaking even stating facts like I showed above reach him as I can tell from his responses. But my point was trust is hard even if your husband is trying. Slips are common and it may not derail his overall effort but keep the defenses up and keep your wits.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
You asked will he ever realize and will he define himself as an addict? Its going to be his journey of discovery I think. I was addicted and quit 5 years ago. My husband kept encouraging me and I finally went to my doctor. No wasnt stret drugs but makes no difference. I went on medication to help me off. A drug called naltrexone. And it was suggested I do therapy which I did for several months. It all evolved for me as I began to feel better. I never have labeled myself amd I dont feel there is a.particular frame of mind a.person needs except to want to change and feel better, live better. If he smokes pot, truthfully he may not just jump off it. Its a seperate issue from the H in his mind no doubt, so I think you see lots of people grow into change. It doesnt always happen at once.
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