Ex of almost 5 years broke up with me after getting sober - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read




Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-30-2015, 12:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
Guest
 

Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 1

Ex of almost 5 years broke up with me after getting sober


This is going to be a long post but I am going to make it as short as possible.

I met my ex boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 20. We were together just 4 months short of almost 5 years. My ex struggled with addiction throughout our relationship with pills specifically roxycodine. To make a very long story short I gave up everything for him and somehow managed to get my life together and be successful in many ways. I had a full time job I went to school full time and was a 4.0 student. I was his biggest support system. I supported him emotionally, mentally, financially every single way more than even his own family. I truly did love him and I believed in him and what he was capable of. I even broke up with on 2 occasions because I thought it was the only way he would help himself. Needless to say it was never for too long.

It started to get really bad around 3 years. He had started to get in trouble with the law and his addiction was getting bad in that year he cheated on me with a very "good" friend whom had never met him prior to us dating or during our relationship. I "won" him back, yes because after that I had lost all respect for myself. Later that year some other random girl whom he claims he knew for a long time started to come in the picture and started things up again. Right after that he was arrested on a warrant and was in jail for a month before going to a rehab 4 hours away each way. He called me constantly in jail, I had paid so much money to talk to him. He was in rehab for over 9 months and he came home and was in a sober house for another 6. 2 months after this he broke up with me) I had gained weight I was a complete mess and he had finally gotten himself better and didn't want me anymore. Prior to this the initial dilemma of him going away my grades started to slip and I couldn't keep the facade going for much longer. I dropped out of school after he got out of the sober house and then a month later he broke up with me.

There a lot of details I'm leaving out but I felt used I spent more then just time invested in him. Money, emotions, everything. I would drive to pick him up just for a weekend. He would borrow money constantly from me after recovery (and not for drugs) and I would give it to him in fear that he'd break up with me. All of a sudden he didn't want me. I became the "crazy' one and it was all my fault. He wanted me around 24/7 from day 1 and I of course started to become crazy in my own head when he didn't want me around, because how do someones feelings change like that.

I spent almost every single day with him, and it wasnt by my choice. I lost friends and I had no social life. After he broke up with me I had no contact from him for 6 months. I was doing great tho I was getting where I needed to be and I finally realized I wanted to be alone. I lost a lot of healthy weight, got accepted into a great school, started to rekindle my friendships. Life was great but I still sometimes perserverated on how things ended as he broke up we me over the phone. A lot of questions were left unsaid. He then contacted me through social media because I had blocked his number and I was strong at first but he pulled me right back in. Saying I love you and all that.. I started to get a little stir crazy and I admit I would kind of get crazy with him. He told me he didn't want me again. But every time I tried to get the truth from him he'd say I do love you I just dont want a relationship its not you. I had a meltdown changed my number for the first time ever and started my new school and new life. Even I had my "relapse" and it was him that was my relapse. A month later it was his birthday and I figured I should wish him a happy birthday and I did. Lasted about a week of us talking and he finally said the words "i dont love you" that was about 3 weeks ago and I haven't talked to him since. I've been consumed by other unexpected events with my life and my families so Ive been ok for the most part.
I'm 22 years old I have my whole life ahead of me. He's now 26 and honestly he does not have much to offer at all. I would never be with him again and don't have plans on it. I'm realizing my worth and loving myself for the first time in a long time.

I am in recovery myself and not from drugs but from the relationship. I just want to know if this is typical of people who are recovering from addiction. Or that he never cared and he never loved me. My question is, do you think he is going to try again? I really just need closure I have to an extent but I'm a factual person I like to hear other peoples experiences and stories.

Sorry for the scatter brain at the moment. My work related injury was a head injury and I am recovering from a concussion.
Cm7es is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Cm7es For This Useful Post:
Ann (09-30-2015)
Old 09-30-2015, 05:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lakes
Posts: 54,488
CM, even without addiction involved, relationships change and people grow apart and most time one partner is hurt more than the other, that's just how it is.

When you take the same situation with an active then recovering addict and an active and recovering codependent, it is more common as each person finds what they need to grow, or one does and the other does not, and either way the relationship becomes toxic and painful.

You are wise to move on with your schooling and your life, learn from all you have been through and heal, and learn how to take care of yourself so that you do not end up being the person doing all the work in a relationship.

I wish you well and happier days ahead.

Hugs
__________________


Live your joy,
Go against the grain.
Don’t be made timid by worried rejection.
Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
play your tunes.
~Thomas Moore
Ann is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Ann For This Useful Post:
Cm7es (09-30-2015), Lily1918 (10-02-2015), teatreeoil007 (09-30-2015)
Old 09-30-2015, 06:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 

Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Blog Entries: 3
Your question..."do you think he is going to try again?"

In my experience.....it wouldn't surprise me. Addicts need people who will support them, lend them money, love them no matter what, give up their friends, give up everything for them.......those people are gold mines to an active addict. Active addicts are resourceful.....they have to be.....and manipulation is a tool of that resourcefulness. They often come back again and again.......until that well dries up and they find the next one. They use fear, obligation and guilt and, of course, the almighty "I love you" to get what they need. Someone once told me that if an active addict is mad at you, you're probably doing the right thing.

I have also been addicted to two addicts in my life. Like you, I prided myself in how supportive I was of them......not knowing that the type of support I was giving was deadly.....for them and for me. One was my husband (ex)......the other.......my son.

You are a bright woman who deserves the best of life. The hardest thing to do is to walk away, let it go, and let him find someone else to use up. You deserve a man who will walk beside you through life.......not one who needs you to pull him along. You are right.....you are young with a bright life ahead of you. I hope you embrace it and all it has to offer.

Take care of you.
__________________
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. -Melody Beattie
Kindeyes is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Kindeyes For This Useful Post:
Cm7es (09-30-2015), CodeJob (09-30-2015), hopepraylove (09-30-2015), Lily1918 (10-02-2015), overit263 (10-11-2015)
Old 09-30-2015, 05:20 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,177
Blog Entries: 6
Yes, he'll likely make future endeavors to ensnare you. If you stop responding, eventually he'll move on.

He loved you as far as he was capable. For me, I always felt most attached to the statement that my husband had a serious affair with addiction. She came first. That image to me just best fit how my role was warped by an interloper.

You really sound (even with a concussion) like you are well on your way to getting your life together and MANY positive things are happening to you!! Kudos on a lot of hard work at learning to think and act differently!
__________________
CodeJob
Peace is a day-to-day problem, the product of a multitude of events & judgements. Peace is not an 'is,' it is a 'becoming.' -Haile Salassie
CodeJob is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to CodeJob For This Useful Post:
Austin4Wyo (09-30-2015), overit263 (10-11-2015)
Old 09-30-2015, 11:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 30
My experience is they do return if there is an opening to do so.

If you keep working on and caring for yourself perhaps if he does resurface. In the future it will be to a different end..
Wishful04 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Wishful04 For This Useful Post:
hopepraylove (10-01-2015)
Old 09-30-2015, 11:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,091
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cm7es View Post



There a lot of details I'm leaving out but I felt used I spent more then just time invested in him. Money, emotions, everything. I would drive to pick him up just for a weekend. He would borrow money constantly from me after recovery (and not for drugs) and I would give it to him in fear that he'd break up with me. All of a sudden he didn't want me. I became the "crazy' one and it was all my fault. He wanted me around 24/7 from day 1 and I of course started to become crazy in my own head when he didn't want me around, because how do someones feelings change like that.

I spent almost every single day with him, and it wasnt by my choice. I lost friends and I had no social life. After he broke up with me I had no contact from him for 6 months. I was doing great tho I was getting where I needed to be and I finally realized I wanted to be alone. I lost a lot of healthy weight, got accepted into a great school, started to rekindle my friendships. Life was great but I still sometimes perserverated on how things ended as he broke up we me over the phone. A lot of questions were left unsaid. He then contacted me through social media because I had blocked his number and I was strong at first but he pulled me right back in. Saying I love you and all that. (June 2015)I had something happened where I was injured at work so I was home daily. I started to get a little stir crazy and I admit I would kind of get crazy with him. He told me he didn't want me again. But every time I tried to get the truth from him he'd say I do love you I just dont want a relationship its not you. I had a meltdown changed my number for the first time ever and started my new school and new life. Even I had my "relapse" and it was him that was my relapse. A month later it was his birthday (august 2015) and I figured I should wish him a happy birthday and I did. Lasted about a week of us talking and he finally said the words "i dont love you" that was about 3 weeks ago and I haven't talked to him since. I've been consumed by other unexpected events with my life and my families so Ive been ok for the most part.
I'm 22 years old I have my whole life ahead of me. He's now 26 and honestly he does not have much to offer at all. I would never be with him again and don't have plans on it. I'm realizing my worth and loving myself for the first time in a long time.

I am in recovery myself and not from drugs but from the relationship. I just want to know if this is typical of people who are recovering from addiction. Or that he never cared and he never loved me. My question is, do you think he is going to try again? I really just need closure I have to an extent but I'm a factual person I like to hear other peoples experiences and stories.

Sorry for the scatter brain at the moment. My work related injury was a head injury and I am recovering from a concussion.
You spent almost every day with him and it wasn't by your choice?
How is that even possible? Makes no sense.

This guy must have really been playing with your head. I'm am sorry for your grief and anguish and best wishes on the recovery road. You can heal from this. It sounds like you are getting your self esteem in order. Good that you can see he doesn't have much to offer. Now, separate yourself from it and be free! I hope your concussion gets better. Best of luck.

Be Well
teatreeoil007 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
drug addiction , relationships , relationships sobriety


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:13 PM.