Prisspot

Is spousal abandonment common with addicts/alcoholics?

After having my suspicions, I gave my husband a drug test in May, which tested positive for cocaine. He said, “I don’t know why I tested positive. I’m not on cocaine!” Ha ha. This was just one of many, many lies I caught him in over the last few months. I finally pieced together the puzzle and discovered he had embezzled $$ from his job (they did not sue because they are family friends), maxed out our credit cards to the tune of $12k due to porn, gotten fired from his job for poor performance, stolen $13k from me, and had been having an affair for seven months with a stripper (who is also a convicted felon many times over, including for cocaine possession).

After confronting him about all of this, he finally admitted he was on coke. He said he never thought the drugs would control him, that he always thought he could control his drug use, but drugs had totally taken over his life. He said he didn’t know how to stop, and that he could barely function. He went to a 28 day, inpatient program for drugs and alcohol and he has now been out for 6 weeks, and has apparently abandoned me. Absolutely no one, but his parents, has heard from him since May 20th, the day he entered rehab. This is so unlike him as he has lots and lots of friends and loves chatting them up throughout the day, but no one has heard from him! I do know that he got an apartment with a couple of guys he met in rehab. It is two hours away from where we live, and not at all what we had talked about before he went to rehab, which was that he would move in with his parents afterwards. I am just baffled that he would start over his life somewhere else without discussing or explaining it to me.

Why would he cut everyone out of his life like this? Why would he not contact anyone? Am I to assume he is trying to focus on being clean? Or should I assume he is right back at it again? Why would he abandon his former life? How much of what he is doing now is alcohol/cocaine addiction, and how much is his choice? Finally, do addicts/alcoholics feel remorse for the pain they cause others?

This behavior has totally blindsided me, and everyone who knows him. I feel like I don’t even know him, like he has been living a double life. My life and emotions are in a total tailspin and I am desperate for answers and advice to help me cope. I cannot stop crying and I just feel like I can't get it together. I have never dealt with alcoholism/addiction with anyone, and I had no idea he was that far gone. I am trying so hard to take care of myself, detach from the situation, and take control of what I can, but my imagination runs wild with me. Spousal abandonment after seven years of what I thought was a strong and happy marriage sucks. The fact that he is not even trying to communicate with me really hurts. (Talk about a 7-year itch!)

Learn2Live

I felt just like you when my AXBF walked out on me two months ago: BLINDSIDED. Actually, I felt like I had been run over by a freight train. It has taken me two months of being in shock, crying day after day, complete disbelief, blaming myself, excrutiating pain but today I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. My anxiety has been debilitating.

The easiest answer to your question of how and why is that he is a drug addict and they are controlled by their addiction. I also did not recogniE the person AXBF had become. Apparently, I did not truly know him.

Allow yourself to feel all your feelings. Grieve your loss. Be kind to yourself. Go to Al-Anon and or Nar-Anon. Surround yourself with supportive people. Ask for help. Do not do this alone. Please.

FindingErica

Welcome to the forum!

Yes, there are many of us here who have had addicted spouses become somebody we don know and do all kinds of things out of the normal. I don't entirely consider myself abandoned as I was the one who refused to join him out of state. But he remained there unemployed, not attempting to come back even when he found out I was staying here with the kids. 18 years of marriage.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm really, really sorry you're going through this, but I'm also happy you found us.

You ask a lot of questions. The most common answer I can give you is addicts like, your husband, are self-seeking. Their eyes only look in one direction, and that's inward. When an addict is in active addiction, the only thing that matters is the drugs, and towards that end an addict will lie, cheat and steal to get what it is they want. Do they feel remorse? No, not when they are active...and even if they stop using, they still may not feel any remorse unless they do the necessary work to get honest with themselves and embrace recovery. You will find addicts in recovery on this board, and I would strongly encourage you to pay attention to what they say. Because they speak a hard earned truth, and in my opinion they are the wisest amongst us because they have experienced both the horrors of addiction and the drain that is codependency.

I also encourage you to find and attend an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting local to you. From this point forward, you need to focus on your recovery. You've been blindsided, and you've been hurt. It's important that you recognize three truths about your AH's addiction:

* you didn't cause it
* you can't control it
* you can't cure it

You can, however, focus on you and focus on healing yourself. But you have to want that.

Please read "What Addicts Do" in the sticky notes section. That's what you're up against. And I'll be thinking of both you and your husband during my prayers this evening.

God Bless,
ZoSo

lightseeker

Hi Prisspot....welcome to the board. Yes. Unfortunately, this is a common occurence in people with issues with substance abuse and addiction. It doesn't make sense - AT ALL. I know it doesn't......none of it adds up. Addiction is a disease and if left untreated it is progressive. The saddest part is that we are unable to love someone into recovery. The ONLY chance for him is if he reaches for recovery. There really isn't anything that you can say or do that will make a difference.

I remember that one of the first things that I learned was that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Boy! Is that a tough pill to swallow. I've always believed that love could conquer all - but I now know that that is not true.

All you can really do is take care of yourself. I'd really recommend attending some meetings (Alanon or Naranon). Those meetings are about how to help someone stop using - they are for "us" (the loved ones of addicts) and way for us to learn how to take care of ourselves.

There is a whole lot of wisdom on these boards and you've found a wonderful place. Take a look at the sticky's at the top of the forum - they have a whole lot of information that might help you a lot. Keep posting, keep coming back!

And hey.....I'm a fellow tarheel!

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Priss, I lost a son with the same behavior. He chose to walk away from sobriety (8 months with jail and inpatient rehab) but I think he really never was in recovery, I think he was doing the white knuckle approach. Once he decided in his heart to use again, he left his entire family and we have no idea where he is.
Seems to be a common theme for many people on this board.

Prisspot

Thanks for all of your responses.

I do know he finished the program because his parents visited him every week and were able to talk to his counselors while he was there. After that, it gets a little sketchy. His parents are being tight-lipped and very vague about where he is and what he is up to. I don't know if that is because he is being vague with them, or if he has told them not to tell people where he is. Lord knows what he has told them about our marriage.

I have just been so shocked that he has not only not contacted me, but absolutely none of his friends...and he has many good friends who are very concerned about him and had no idea the extent to which he was using and in trouble.

I even sent him letter after letter of support while he was in rehab. Letters telling him he has done some horrible things, but he's not a horrible person, that I believe in our marriage, etc. and no response. I only heard from a couple of his friends after he left that he said he was "tired of being married because he was tired of being told what to do." This is soooo unlike him. It was not an illusion that we were happily married, I am convinced his addictions have led him to have that attitude.

What can you all tell me about the role of shame in an addicts recovery or active addiction? Many of the people in our lives have speculated his lack of communication as being perhaps due to shame. (I suspect he is right back to using, but I just wanted to hear input about the shame piece.)

I have been to Al-anon meetings and they are very helpful. One of the best pieces of advice I got was that you have to look at who that person is presenting to you now, not who they were in the past, and decide if that's the person you want to be with.

outtolunch

He's a liar, a cheater and a thief. And if it were not for family friends he would be a convicted felon no different than the stripper. Surely you deserve better than this for a husband.

The thing about this is that it never had anything to do with you. It says all that can be said about his lack of character. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

Learn2Live

Yes, of course his addictions have led him to have that attitude. It is the way addicts THINK. You cannot change the way a person thinks, even IF you are married to them.

I think this is you making excuses for his horrid behavior. I think this is you wanting to feel sorry for him. Feeling sorry for an addict, and making excuses for horrid behavior, HURTS the addict. If you continue to live in denial and just accept the hurtful, harmful, horrid behavior as normal, he will continue to think he is normal. Please try to see what he is doing for exactly what it is.

amaslow

If you ask me, you got lucky!!! I would have loved it if my AddictX would have abandoned me.. Make sure you are protected financially and legaly..I know my ex started forging my name on loans and my checks.. Because we were married, I could not get a police report filed..

alybally

This is where I get confused because my situation is somewhat similar although not completely. Is the behavior a part of his whole character or just his character as changed by the disease of alcoholism. My axbf was loving and kind and sweet (although he lied to hide his alcoholism in various ways) in the beginning and he has done a 180 since his disease progressed over a year. It was a slow progression but he ended up going completely nuts and screaming and raging. What part of that is the disease and what part is him? Or does the disease just bring out the "dark side" of alcoholics? I think we all have a dark side deep within no matter what we want to believe about ourselves.

ShootingStar1

Amharter, I am so very sorry for the situation you are in.

I think it is sometimes easier for us to want to believe that the addict/alcoholic in our life is really two people: Good Guy who gets taken over by Bad Guy. But that is not the truth. They are one person, and they are chosing their behavior.

It doesn't mean that he didn't love you, or he wasn't the man you knew a while ago. It does mean that the disease of addiction/alcoholism has wreaked profound changes on him, physiologically and emotionally, and he is now choosing to be a different person than he used to be.

If he were to choose to become sober and work a lifelong program of sobriety, it would take some real time for the physical changes from addiction/alcoholism to change and/or heal; some things people can heal from, and some become permanent health problems depending on the damage done to their bodies.

Emotionally, they have look deep into themselves, most often with a great of support and humility, and see what it was that led them to turn away from solving the problems of daily life and turn to addiction. There are many people on the Sober Recovery forums who have successfully done that, and I believe it takes a great deal of strength and commitment to do so.

So far, your husband has not made that choice, and there is nothing anyone else can do to make him choose sobriety. It is not your fault; as Alanon says

You did not cause it,
You cannot control it, and
You can't cure it

Take care of yourself, and you'll find a huge amount of support here from people who understand what you are going through.

ShootingStar1

anxiouswife

I'm very sorry...

Something that clicked for me in the midst of all of our personal crazy, was that losing the addict was very much like grieving a person, a whole life that you invested in. Very much like the death of a loved one and all you held near & dear. Grieve it. Freak out a little. Go through the motions of anyone who's life gets turned upside down.

I would imagine the normal course of things, when you're done with all of that is to get mad. Really mad. When you're ready, you'll realize your life doesn't have to revolve around whether he comes back or not, or is using or not. You'll know you're there when you've arrived.

Its a hard path, no way around it. Take the drugs away --- is lying, running away & stealing acceptable? Is that what you want?
Repeating someone else above me, he showed you who he is --- please believe him.

Lots of love your way.