auroraxborealis

I'm still out in the valley. He's in town where I work.

And OMG if I had a dollar for every time I heard, "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine." Actually I was camping with his family, and his dad and mom were there (they're no longer married). His mom said that's the first thing his dad told her. I just said that sure sounded familiar.

I still don't regret my decision to text him, I'm just sad it didn't seem to matter.

But now I know.

allmirages

[QUOTE=auroraxborealis;5418038]Alright, so I just finished a conversation with my X over text. I laid everything out. How I miss him and wish that things would have worked out. I thought we were going to make it, and I was willing to put in the work. I said it's hard to watch him with his new relationship because I wanted it to be me. How I was confused because he had spent his time in and after rehab saying he loved me, was in love with me, but needed time for himself, and I felt lead on. He said it wasn't that he doesn't want to be with me, rather that he doesn't think he's right for me. He doesn't want to "leech" off of me. Same.....exact.. story for me

I said I wanted to be with him, and I get to decide who is right for me. If I'm not right for him, that's his decision. (Yes...mine said the same...

Ok, maybe I'm trying to justify it, but right now, I feel like I've released some internal pressure, because I actually got out how I've been feeling for the past six months-year.

And I feel like because I've actually made it clear, I don't have to fantasize that he just "knows" what I think. He's not a mindreader.

/QUOTE]

Aurora - I could have written your exact words above. I have texted my ex a few times over the last 4 months saying the above and how I loved him unconditionally, never judged him, believed his words, only to be led on. He still won't even admit he's been with this rehab girl from before he even graduated from rehab. Each time, I thought maybe my words might reach him, that I could make him understand. But each time, I only got cold responses, or none.

So, now, no more contact. There's no point. He's made it abundantly clear he feels no remorse for anything he put me through, actually responded one time that he warned me a long time ago he was "bad" and to run away as fast as I could but texted "you stayed". He is this cold, hollow person that the few times I've seen him in person, he looks as though he is looking right past me. Shows no emotion whatsoever. Yet when he's with his new "family (i.e., rehab crowd), he is full of smiles and laughter and jokes.

He's now about 9 months sober, made no amends with any of us (me or his immediate family or the wife and kids he left behind many years ago). He has just picked up and created a new life with these new people. And I do believe, that is keeping him sober..for now. Clean slate...no baggage...YET....because I firmly believe that him choosing people just like him (recovering addicts that live in the moment, aren't working a firm program from what I'm told although it's not for me to judge) that it is only a matter of time before the do to each other what has been done to us.

Either way, I am now...FINALLY...feeling a sense of peace. I'm not over it completely, but I know in my heart that a life with him is not what I want. He isn't the man I need; honest, responsible, mature...etc. And frankly, I'm not the woman for him; I hold him accountable, can't keep my mouth shut when he lies...so I am nothing but a nag now that I learned about the disease and I won't enable in any way, shape or form.

I know it is so hard. I wanted a positive response after my texts of basically laying it all out there...pouring out my heart...but I didn't get that. And I have to move on. I am moving on. It hurts like hell at times, but the pain is lessening. I would never, ever, ever want to go through the hell of seeing active addiction again.

Hugs to you. We are all here for you and we relate, we empathize, we are on your side....always!

auroraxborealis

Guess we're not so special, are we?

CarmenLove

No, we are all the same.

I so desperately wanted for my husband to care about our marriage and to at least try to put things right.

And he didn't.

JKSGRL

I know how you feel honey and I know when people here respond with a swift kick in the arse that it can sting. You want to say "but they don't get how hard this is and how much this hurts and I KNOW I'm what's best for him, I know his potential, they don’t really understand where I am coming from” and on and on and on. I say this because I was where you were just a couple of months ago and I never believed I'd actually have the guts or desire for that matter to stop contact and stop trying to fix HIM. When people suggested NC, I got it but I didn’t really accept it and I too thought that being somehow there, keeping that communication open was the best thing for both of us, but it’s not, it’s just a trap and a never ending roller coaster ride.

When people say what they say, it’s because they’ve been there, done that and they are out of the fog so to speak. They see themselves reflected in you and want to reach through the computer to shake you and hug you. I get it because I was on your side of things not too long ago and now I’m on the other side wanting to drag you away (as gently as possible) from a situation that’s just no good for you. What it all comes down to is realizing that you can’t do anything at this point but focus on YOU and leave him be. You said what you needed to say, now it’s time to move on and heal. The sooner you block him, the sooner you will heal, believe me! It’s not to say it’s not a struggle and there aren’t days that will be incredibly hard, but the benefit of doing this are far greater than the negatives. You won’t actually understand it or see the light until you actually do it for yourself. You might even do what I did and go NC, only to reach out and then go NC, over and over again until you realize the longer you are away from it the better it is, the more you see it for what it really is and when you do reach out again, you see how unhealthy and frustrating it is, because it is the same damn thing over and over again. One day you’ll just be fed up and realize the days you were NC might be hard but they are much more peaceful than when you are being exposed to all their crazy!

I do know those feelings of wanting to fix the situation, to have them miraculously change who they are and come galloping in on their white horse, saying thank you for loving me and believing in me. It ain’t going to happen, but well I hated hearing that, so here is what advice a girlfriend told me and it helped. She said, if it’s meant to be, it will happen, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow or even next year, but it will, so in the meantime take care of you and trust you are where you are supposed to be. Do at least one month of NC, put all your focus onto yourself and then cross that bridge when you get to it. About a month later I said you know what, I took your advice and now I don’t even want that relationship to ever happen again. She said, “EXACTLY”! LOL! So my point is, take some NC, any NC and put the focus on yourself. I used to think, man he’ll just forget about me and completely move on, ok so what if he does, that just means he wasn’t the right guy and in this case, dodged bullet! In the meanwhile, regardless of what happens with him, you become a better version of you and you begin to take your POWER back!

mnh1982

Yep, what allmirages said. My exAH's favorite line of all time is...wait for it...

"I told you all this about myself before we even got married. You knew all this about me before we got married."

Oh, good. Thanks for clearing that up.