I texted him
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I texted him
Alright, so I just finished a conversation with my X over text. I laid everything out. How I miss him and wish that things would have worked out. I thought we were going to make it, and I was willing to put in the work. I said it's hard to watch him with his new relationship because I wanted it to be me. How I was confused because he had spent his time in and after rehab saying he loved me, was in love with me, but needed time for himself, and I felt lead on. He said it wasn't that he doesn't want to be with me, rather that he doesn't think he's right for me. He doesn't want to "leech" off of me.
I said I wanted to be with him, and I get to decide who is right for me. If I'm not right for him, that's his decision.
I feel better. I really do. Granted, it's only been two sessions with my counselor, but she zeroed in on the fact that I have trouble expressing my feelings. And I always have. Yes, this was text, but I still got out what I wanted him to know. I ended the conversation with my X that this is what have wanted to say, and he can do whatever he wants with that information. I told him he deserves the respect of and decency of me staying out of his relationship, so I'll say my peace and drop it. She doesn't deserve his ex hanging around.
Ok, maybe I'm trying to justify it, but right now, I feel like I've released some internal pressure, because I actually got out how I've been feeling for the past six months-year.
And I feel like because I've actually made it clear, I don't have to fantasize that he just "knows" what I think. He's not a mindreader.
Ok…. I'm bracing for responses from SR.
Oh, and my uncle told me to talk to an escrow agent about his condo, to see if I can pre-qualify/less fees for everyone/more affordable for me. Yay!
I said I wanted to be with him, and I get to decide who is right for me. If I'm not right for him, that's his decision.
I feel better. I really do. Granted, it's only been two sessions with my counselor, but she zeroed in on the fact that I have trouble expressing my feelings. And I always have. Yes, this was text, but I still got out what I wanted him to know. I ended the conversation with my X that this is what have wanted to say, and he can do whatever he wants with that information. I told him he deserves the respect of and decency of me staying out of his relationship, so I'll say my peace and drop it. She doesn't deserve his ex hanging around.
Ok, maybe I'm trying to justify it, but right now, I feel like I've released some internal pressure, because I actually got out how I've been feeling for the past six months-year.
And I feel like because I've actually made it clear, I don't have to fantasize that he just "knows" what I think. He's not a mindreader.
Ok…. I'm bracing for responses from SR.
Oh, and my uncle told me to talk to an escrow agent about his condo, to see if I can pre-qualify/less fees for everyone/more affordable for me. Yay!
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Originally Posted by Vale 
Bracing for responses? We're not here to berate you. We're here to
share what has worked for us.
We're on YOUR side.
share what has worked for us.
We're on YOUR side.
I just (warning: selective memory may apply) feel like a lot of the comments lean towards no contact, which I don't feel is right. I still feel better today, so hopefully it'll stick.
All I can do is move forward now. I've said my peace with him, and let him know how I feel and what I want; he makes his decisions on what he wants to do from here on out.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by auroraxborealis
Thanks, Vale. SR has been an amazing resource and support team.
I just (warning: selective memory may apply) feel like a lot of the comments lean towards no contact, which I don't feel is right. I still feel better today, so hopefully it'll stick.
All I can do is move forward now. I've said my peace with him, and let him know how I feel and what I want; he makes his decisions on what he wants to do from here on out.
I just (warning: selective memory may apply) feel like a lot of the comments lean towards no contact, which I don't feel is right. I still feel better today, so hopefully it'll stick.
All I can do is move forward now. I've said my peace with him, and let him know how I feel and what I want; he makes his decisions on what he wants to do from here on out.
Just go no contact! For me! For all the other frustrated people trying to coparent with an active alcoholic or addict. No contact is our sustaining fantasy. LOL.You're doing what's right for you, trying to heal those old wounds. I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" way to do that, just what works for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Auroraux,
I believe you are correct in your assertion that most
of the comments will lean no contact. They did in my case.
I fought it (hard) as is the usual pattern.
I looked at it as quitting. And I wasn't a quitter.
Nothing good comes to those who quit. Never leave a man
on the battlefield-----all that "never say die" stuff we have
been programmed by popular entertainment to
believe our entire lives.
Except in real life (as opposed to entertainment
for a profit) we NEVER send 2 good men to retrieve a
body off the battlefield. It makes zero sense.
He (or she today!) is DEAD. And I (and most everyone
else in a position of authority) would be CANNED for
making such a stupid decision that ended up costing
more LIVES.
Where we go wrong is when we BELIEVE the
anecdotal. When we believe that 'Maverick' gets a
slight chewing out and a 'boys will be boys' slap in the back
(instead of losing his wings/getting unceremoniously
booted out).......when he abuses the trust (&F-14)
given to him.
I know where your mind is. That the 'long ball'
will save the day as the cavalry rides in and saves
the day. You win the prize.
The problem is-----they know how we think.
They know how to keep us hooked on hope.
We are EVERY BIT the addict they are. There is
no detoxing off of hopium. And the 'self sacrifice'
bit-----doesn't want to 'leech' off of you,
absolutely classic.
So, we double down. We maintain the hope.
We keep the lines of communication open.
We're not in the 'not hurting' business here at SR.
That would be like a 'no injuries permitted' E.R.
We are in the harm reduction business. Damage
control to not allow years of misery to metastasize
into decades.
It took me a long time. Probably a bad combo of
dumb & ego (a bad mix if ever there was one!).
But we all come to the light at different rates.
(and that is perfectly fine!)
I believe you are correct in your assertion that most
of the comments will lean no contact. They did in my case.
I fought it (hard) as is the usual pattern.
I looked at it as quitting. And I wasn't a quitter.
Nothing good comes to those who quit. Never leave a man
on the battlefield-----all that "never say die" stuff we have
been programmed by popular entertainment to
believe our entire lives.
Except in real life (as opposed to entertainment
for a profit) we NEVER send 2 good men to retrieve a
body off the battlefield. It makes zero sense.
He (or she today!) is DEAD. And I (and most everyone
else in a position of authority) would be CANNED for
making such a stupid decision that ended up costing
more LIVES.
Where we go wrong is when we BELIEVE the
anecdotal. When we believe that 'Maverick' gets a
slight chewing out and a 'boys will be boys' slap in the back
(instead of losing his wings/getting unceremoniously
booted out).......when he abuses the trust (&F-14)
given to him.
I know where your mind is. That the 'long ball'
will save the day as the cavalry rides in and saves
the day. You win the prize.
The problem is-----they know how we think.
They know how to keep us hooked on hope.
We are EVERY BIT the addict they are. There is
no detoxing off of hopium. And the 'self sacrifice'
bit-----doesn't want to 'leech' off of you,
absolutely classic.
So, we double down. We maintain the hope.
We keep the lines of communication open.
We're not in the 'not hurting' business here at SR.
That would be like a 'no injuries permitted' E.R.
We are in the harm reduction business. Damage
control to not allow years of misery to metastasize
into decades.
It took me a long time. Probably a bad combo of
dumb & ego (a bad mix if ever there was one!).
But we all come to the light at different rates.
(and that is perfectly fine!)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Maybe this will be an interesting experiment, Aurora. Pay attention to how you feel in the days to come. Will the relief be lasting?
I have a bad habit of continuing to reach out to men who have hurt me in the past, hoping to make it right somehow. Usually I feel a brief sense of relief after I made contact, after I got my little fix, my little feeling that what I had to say mattered to the other person. But when that feeling passed, and the person still hadn't given me what I wanted, I would veer off into the same old frustration. I eventually realized that breaking off contact with these guys was the only thing that gave me lasting relief. So yes, sorry, I guess that's a story about the beauties of breaking it off. Just my ESH.
Another useful thing I've been trying to put into action is believing people when they tell me who they are. I had one boyfriend who was on and off for years, and I used to always try to convince him that he'd done the wrong thing by treating me so casually, that he was making a mistake. I thought surely justice and reason would eventually prevail! But finally at some point he said to me (as he'd been saying for years) "I'm just not capable of a relationship right now", and finally I actually believed him. I said "you know, I think you're right. I believe that. I don't think you're capable of a relationship." It was kind of funny, actually. He didn't know what to say, it was such a dramatic departure from my previous behavior. And it was so liberating for me! I realized that all that fighting I'd done to try to make him see the light was a big waste of breath and time. He was right. He just wasn't capable of a relationship. It was as simple as that.
I'm fantasizing that you will move to town and meet new people, maybe a new guy. You are young, and the world is your oyster! There's so much out there to see!
I have a bad habit of continuing to reach out to men who have hurt me in the past, hoping to make it right somehow. Usually I feel a brief sense of relief after I made contact, after I got my little fix, my little feeling that what I had to say mattered to the other person. But when that feeling passed, and the person still hadn't given me what I wanted, I would veer off into the same old frustration. I eventually realized that breaking off contact with these guys was the only thing that gave me lasting relief. So yes, sorry, I guess that's a story about the beauties of breaking it off. Just my ESH.
Another useful thing I've been trying to put into action is believing people when they tell me who they are. I had one boyfriend who was on and off for years, and I used to always try to convince him that he'd done the wrong thing by treating me so casually, that he was making a mistake. I thought surely justice and reason would eventually prevail! But finally at some point he said to me (as he'd been saying for years) "I'm just not capable of a relationship right now", and finally I actually believed him. I said "you know, I think you're right. I believe that. I don't think you're capable of a relationship." It was kind of funny, actually. He didn't know what to say, it was such a dramatic departure from my previous behavior. And it was so liberating for me! I realized that all that fighting I'd done to try to make him see the light was a big waste of breath and time. He was right. He just wasn't capable of a relationship. It was as simple as that.
I'm fantasizing that you will move to town and meet new people, maybe a new guy. You are young, and the world is your oyster! There's so much out there to see!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Aurora, just one more thing: I think you might want to think through this belief you have that his new g/f has what you wanted. It's hard to say what goes on with them. Is he sober? Doing what he's supposed to do for probation? I have a feeling that he is doing things in the relationship that wouldn't really make you happy. You're a responsible, financially stable, conscientious person, and you deserve someone who has those same qualities to offer.
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Location: Alaska
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Originally Posted by cynical one
Something to think about.
Do you feel better because you got your feelings out, or do you feel better because you got your fix?
Do you feel better because you got your feelings out, or do you feel better because you got your fix?
I'm working with my counselor. I told her I texted him and gave her a summary. She said saying I decide what's right for me was good. She said I need to work through my grief of the relationship being over, and work through the relationship changing.
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Originally Posted by jjj111
Aurora, just one more thing: I think you might want to think through this belief you have that his new g/f has what you wanted. It's hard to say what goes on with them. Is he sober? Doing what he's supposed to do for probation? I have a feeling that he is doing things in the relationship that wouldn't really make you happy. You're a responsible, financially stable, conscientious person, and you deserve someone who has those same qualities to offer.
My understanding is that he isn't using heroin, or street drugs. He has, from what I hear, drank, but I don't know how often or to what degree. That, I don't like. I don't know if he has a sponsor, or is working a program, but that's his business. I also don't know if he's treating his mental health.
They (she) hasn't paid rent, and his dad is trying to figure out what to do, as he has covered for them for two months now, and doesn't want to have to kick them (her) out on the first. He's still in the HWH but passes out to there. The HWF takes 25% of his paycheck off the top, and child support takes another 40%, leaving him with little money. So I think their arrangement is for her to pay rent.
So no, if I were with him, I wouldn't be happy with his drinking, and I wouldn't be happy with his financial situation.
But part of me still feels like, how does anyone in his position move forward WITHOUT support? It's hard for ME to find a place to rent in town, and I'm making much more than he is. How is someone who's making (IDK, but I'm guessing) a few bucks over minimum wage and getting that garnished supposed to make it?
Not my problem though, right? Sigh.
I think you're right that I wouldn't be happy in the relationship right now, but I hate it, and so I'm trying to fight it.
I just wanted him to take the time to work on himself, pick himself up and do what I know he can, and then have us fall into place. Or I wish we could do that in a healthy way together.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I just wanted him to take the time to work on himself, pick himself up and do what I know he can, and then have us fall into place
step back for a moment and read that again. you wanted HIM to work on HIMSELF, become who YOU thought he COULD be and THEN you guys would live happily ever after.
wishful thinking much? what the above says is that he wasn't good enough AS IS, but you had the recipe on how to FIX him because you know better.
as it is today post break up, with him having moved on, you still know intimate details of his life, his financial situation, what he makes at his job. ITS TIME TO STOP. it's getting kind of stalkerish, hon. his life isn't your business anymore. right or wrong, you said your piece via text now LET IT GO. LET HIM GO. do it for you. extract yourself from HIS life and his family and get busy living your own.
step back for a moment and read that again. you wanted HIM to work on HIMSELF, become who YOU thought he COULD be and THEN you guys would live happily ever after.
wishful thinking much? what the above says is that he wasn't good enough AS IS, but you had the recipe on how to FIX him because you know better.
as it is today post break up, with him having moved on, you still know intimate details of his life, his financial situation, what he makes at his job. ITS TIME TO STOP. it's getting kind of stalkerish, hon. his life isn't your business anymore. right or wrong, you said your piece via text now LET IT GO. LET HIM GO. do it for you. extract yourself from HIS life and his family and get busy living your own.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Feeling replaced. ..
I just wanted him to take the time to work on himself, pick himself up and do what I know he can, and then have us fall into place. Or I wish we could do that in a healthy way together.[/QUOTE]
I hear you Auroa and I so relate! !!
♧ I would have given anything for my guy to just be alone, focus on being sober, make amends for the relapse, etc but he didn't-he scrambled to some other girl from the frickin in hospital.
That's what he did the second I wouldn't enable
him and didn't come to the hospital to manage his relapse crisis.
Now after going to an awful sober living the girl sent him, he somehow got back into my sober living in my community (we don't call it HWH in California)
where he originally moved to get sober and be with me but now he might be with her!!
I have felt so replaced...
However the minute I got a hurtful text about another girl, I went no contact. ..so I don't know any details and I cant. I get too sick and loose my al anon program completely, I'm obsessively jealous and controlling and I'm working hard to release that.
I know how you feel. ..stay strong .
☆kayleezen
I hear you Auroa and I so relate! !!
♧ I would have given anything for my guy to just be alone, focus on being sober, make amends for the relapse, etc but he didn't-he scrambled to some other girl from the frickin in hospital.
That's what he did the second I wouldn't enable
him and didn't come to the hospital to manage his relapse crisis.
Now after going to an awful sober living the girl sent him, he somehow got back into my sober living in my community (we don't call it HWH in California)
where he originally moved to get sober and be with me but now he might be with her!!
I have felt so replaced...
However the minute I got a hurtful text about another girl, I went no contact. ..so I don't know any details and I cant. I get too sick and loose my al anon program completely, I'm obsessively jealous and controlling and I'm working hard to release that.
I know how you feel. ..stay strong .
☆kayleezen
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
'Wish I could claim authorship ----- but the term 'hopium' was a part
of the addiction vernacular long before I traipsed down this dark road.
I didn't have a problem, SHE did. I wasn't the drug addict, SHE was.
I said and thought all of these things------ on my public face. But under
my bed......shoeboxes full of empty syringes marked "Hopium, 10ml, USP,
Schedule 1 narcotic controlled substance".
Even after I went no contact. Still the shoebox called. There can still be
a happy ending, a way out, a way for the hero (that'd be me) to save the
damsel in distress.......
I don't take medicine from shoeboxes any more.
May everyone reading these words enjoy Fathers
Day on this first beautiful day of Summer, 2015.
Take Care.
of the addiction vernacular long before I traipsed down this dark road.
I didn't have a problem, SHE did. I wasn't the drug addict, SHE was.
I said and thought all of these things------ on my public face. But under
my bed......shoeboxes full of empty syringes marked "Hopium, 10ml, USP,
Schedule 1 narcotic controlled substance".
Even after I went no contact. Still the shoebox called. There can still be
a happy ending, a way out, a way for the hero (that'd be me) to save the
damsel in distress.......
I don't take medicine from shoeboxes any more.
May everyone reading these words enjoy Fathers
Day on this first beautiful day of Summer, 2015.
Take Care.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Aurora, your signature says it all, nothing changes if nothing changes. How have you changed through all this?
When you begin focusing on your own life and your own happiness without the need for anyone else to fulfill it, when you can accept what is and move on without trying to change what is not yours to change, when you can wake up and see the beauty of each day and find joy...regardless of what anyone else does or says or feels or may or may not do...then, my dear, you will be on the way to a better path and healing.
Until then, nothing changes if nothing changes. That's just how it is.
When you begin focusing on your own life and your own happiness without the need for anyone else to fulfill it, when you can accept what is and move on without trying to change what is not yours to change, when you can wake up and see the beauty of each day and find joy...regardless of what anyone else does or says or feels or may or may not do...then, my dear, you will be on the way to a better path and healing.
Until then, nothing changes if nothing changes. That's just how it is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Ann
Aurora, your signature says it all, nothing changes if nothing changes. How have you changed through all this?
When you begin focusing on your own life and your own happiness without the need for anyone else to fulfill it, when you can accept what is and move on without trying to change what is not yours to change, when you can wake up and see the beauty of each day and find joy...regardless of what anyone else does or says or feels or may or may not do...then, my dear, you will be on the way to a better path and healing.
Until then, nothing changes if nothing changes. That's just how it is.
When you begin focusing on your own life and your own happiness without the need for anyone else to fulfill it, when you can accept what is and move on without trying to change what is not yours to change, when you can wake up and see the beauty of each day and find joy...regardless of what anyone else does or says or feels or may or may not do...then, my dear, you will be on the way to a better path and healing.
Until then, nothing changes if nothing changes. That's just how it is.
That is beautiful. I have copied it to my notepad.
Thank you.
Now... how the heck to actually do it? I can do it sometimes... and then I lose it.
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Location: Alaska
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Originally Posted by Ann
How have you changed through all this?
As I said on previous threads: I feel like the rest of me is fine. I'm just looking for someone to share my life with. I'm lonely. Not in the sense that I'm not ok with myself, by myself--because I am--but that I'm looking for a partner.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
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Oh girl, since we live in the same state, I get exactly what you mean-I can barely "make it" & pay MY rent & I don't even live "in town" where it's slightly cheaper 
.
Usually, or at least in my experience, people like your ex (and mine) "make it" by finding someone besides you to sponge off of while they give off the illusion of "trying"...Odds are, whomever this new chick of his is, she's paying his way but may not even know how much yet. They're really good at that, they are-making everything into "What's mine is mine but what's yours is "ours".
As for the no contact thing, I think you need to simultaneously go easy on yourself, but be harsh with yourself about your choices, too. Up here all towns are SMALL towns, & chances are you'll be hearing about him more than you want to anyway, let alone the odds of running into him somewhere at random.
It seems like your series of texts helped you let out what yu wanted to say, so next time you're tempted to message him, just sit back for a minute & ask yourself what the point is, even, of saying anything further? What good will it do you? Will it change his behavior or bring him back to you, clean & sober?
If the answer is no, then as tempting as it is, it's not worth it. For every time you're tempted to contact him, try to get busy with something else. Leave the house, take a walk, pull something out of the freezer for dinner.
I can almost guarantee you that in the time it takes to do that, you'll end up forgetting why you wanted to contact him. Because in the end, it would have benefitted you so little, it's not even worth doing.
.Usually, or at least in my experience, people like your ex (and mine) "make it" by finding someone besides you to sponge off of while they give off the illusion of "trying"...Odds are, whomever this new chick of his is, she's paying his way but may not even know how much yet. They're really good at that, they are-making everything into "What's mine is mine but what's yours is "ours".
As for the no contact thing, I think you need to simultaneously go easy on yourself, but be harsh with yourself about your choices, too. Up here all towns are SMALL towns, & chances are you'll be hearing about him more than you want to anyway, let alone the odds of running into him somewhere at random.
It seems like your series of texts helped you let out what yu wanted to say, so next time you're tempted to message him, just sit back for a minute & ask yourself what the point is, even, of saying anything further? What good will it do you? Will it change his behavior or bring him back to you, clean & sober?
If the answer is no, then as tempting as it is, it's not worth it. For every time you're tempted to contact him, try to get busy with something else. Leave the house, take a walk, pull something out of the freezer for dinner.
I can almost guarantee you that in the time it takes to do that, you'll end up forgetting why you wanted to contact him. Because in the end, it would have benefitted you so little, it's not even worth doing.
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