[QUOTE=auroraxborealis;5418038]Alright, so I just finished a conversation with my X over text. I laid everything out. How I miss him and wish that things would have worked out. I thought we were going to make it, and I was willing to put in the work. I said it's hard to watch him with his new relationship because I wanted it to be me. How I was confused because he had spent his time in and after rehab saying he loved me, was in love with me, but needed time for himself, and I felt lead on. He said it wasn't that he doesn't want to be with me, rather that he doesn't think he's right for me. He doesn't want to "leech" off of me. Same.....exact.. story for me
I said I wanted to be with him, and I get to decide who is right for me. If I'm not right for him, that's his decision. (Yes...mine said the same...
Ok, maybe I'm trying to justify it, but right now, I feel like I've released some internal pressure, because I actually got out how I've been feeling for the past six months-year.
And I feel like because I've actually made it clear, I don't have to fantasize that he just "knows" what I think. He's not a mindreader.
/QUOTE]
Aurora - I could have written your exact words above. I have texted my ex a few times over the last 4 months saying the above and how I loved him unconditionally, never judged him, believed his words, only to be led on. He still won't even admit he's been with this rehab girl from before he even graduated from rehab. Each time, I thought maybe my words might reach him, that I could make him understand. But each time, I only got cold responses, or none.
So, now, no more contact. There's no point. He's made it abundantly clear he feels no remorse for anything he put me through, actually responded one time that he warned me a long time ago he was "bad" and to run away as fast as I could but texted "you stayed". He is this cold, hollow person that the few times I've seen him in person, he looks as though he is looking right past me. Shows no emotion whatsoever. Yet when he's with his new "family (i.e., rehab crowd), he is full of smiles and laughter and jokes.
He's now about 9 months sober, made no amends with any of us (me or his immediate family or the wife and kids he left behind many years ago). He has just picked up and created a new life with these new people. And I do believe, that is keeping him sober..for now. Clean slate...no baggage...YET....because I firmly believe that him choosing people just like him (recovering addicts that live in the moment, aren't working a firm program from what I'm told although it's not for me to judge) that it is only a matter of time before the do to each other what has been done to us.
Either way, I am now...FINALLY...feeling a sense of peace. I'm not over it completely, but I know in my heart that a life with him is not what I want. He isn't the man I need; honest, responsible, mature...etc. And frankly, I'm not the woman for him; I hold him accountable, can't keep my mouth shut when he lies...so I am nothing but a nag now that I learned about the disease and I won't enable in any way, shape or form.
I know it is so hard. I wanted a positive response after my texts of basically laying it all out there...pouring out my heart...but I didn't get that. And I have to move on. I am moving on. It hurts like hell at times, but the pain is lessening. I would never, ever, ever want to go through the hell of seeing active addiction again.
Hugs to you. We are all here for you and we relate, we empathize, we are on your side....always!