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Need Advice Please

Old 02-10-2015, 08:19 PM
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Need Advice Please

Need Advice
Hello, well Ive been dating this narcotics addict for 3 months now.
When we just started I didn't know he had a drug problem until our second month together. I've been really understanding and supportive of him when it comes to going to meetings and staying sober. I know there's not much I can do because being sober is all up to him, but I'm always there for him when he needs someone to talk to or when he's having a rough day and craving drugs.
This past week has been very hard on me, whenever he has a bad day craving drugs the mood he's in really does affect the time we spend with each other. He can get real quiet or stress out and I'm just sitting worthless because I can't do much. I know he loves me and I love him and I know I can't be first because getting sober comes first but it just hurts so much sometimes. It hurts when we can't hang out as much because of meetings and then I feel like he doesn't love me but its just that I worry that he will get over me and meet someone in a meeting. I know it's silly of me to think that way but that's how it is. I just really love him and his mom has been very grateful having me around to help him out specially because she's a recovered addict as well. I still want to be with him but it's so hard and it hurts when I worry so much. Can anyone give me advice please.
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Old 02-10-2015, 09:21 PM
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Flowers...

Are you sure you want to know what I think?

Z
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Old 02-10-2015, 09:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Flowers94 View Post
Need Advice
Hello, well Ive been dating this narcotics addict for 3 months now.
When we just started I didn't know he had a drug problem until our second month together. I've been really understanding and supportive of him when it comes to going to meetings and staying sober. I know there's not much I can do because being sober is all up to him, but I'm always there for him when he needs someone to talk to or when he's having a rough day and craving drugs.
This past week has been very hard on me, whenever he has a bad day craving drugs the mood he's in really does affect the time we spend with each other. He can get real quiet or stress out and I'm just sitting worthless because I can't do much. I know he loves me and I love him and I know I can't be first because getting sober comes first but it just hurts so much sometimes. It hurts when we can't hang out as much because of meetings and then I feel like he doesn't love me but its just that I worry that he will get over me and meet someone in a meeting. I know it's silly of me to think that way but that's how it is. I just really love him and his mom has been very grateful having me around to help him out specially because she's a recovered addict as well. I still want to be with him but it's so hard and it hurts when I worry so much. Can anyone give me advice please.
Hi Flowers,

Was he in recovery and attending meetings when you met? Curious how long hes been going? Maybe it would help if you think of his recovery work as just "work". Its going to take some of his time, create varying moods. My husband went through treatment over a year ago now, he never did meetings so I cant speak to that exactly, but I can say the first few months were emotional and when he was in rehab I had a lot of adjustments to make with him not around. Try not to worry about his meeting someone while attending, realistically he could meet someone other places if hes looking right? So it comes down to a trust issue I think. I would also share with his mom about your feelings, she might have some good feedback having been in a similar situation. Now might be a good time to fill in the time gaps with other friends, or activities you enjoy.
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:33 PM
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3 Months? You've been dating him for 3 months, he didn't even tell you he was an addict for the first month, and you're choosing to put yourself through THIS? And your fear is that he might find someone else if he does the recovery thing?

My own philosophy is that dating is like interviewing. You have the right to say "sorry, not a match" at any time for the first few months -- But then again, maybe you need a project, and being with a guy like this fulfills that need for you.

I'm not doing so well with the advice thing here, but I guess I can't quite figure out what it is that you want.
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:49 PM
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Hi, thank you all for your feed back I appreciate it. @blue chair, your right it does come down to trust issues. He didn't realize he had an addiction problem until our 1st month together and told me about it and until the 2nd month I found out he was lying and still taking pills. He would lie a lot and got good at it that t got to a point where I couldn't tell
If he was still taking pills or not. He's been sober for 2 weeks now and your right it's been very emotional so far. I'm glad you and your husband got through this, I'm
Hoping we do as well.

@needabreak
Yes we've only been dating for 3 months, and I do worry that he will find another girl while going to meetings, but like @blurchair said, he can just find a girl anywhere else. I just worry because I lost some trust since he would lie about taking pills. I feel like he is a match for me tho, it's not a project or anything even though it's pretty tough sometimes. When I met him I never knew he had a problem with pills or anything and I can't just leave now that I know. He's the second guy I've fallen in love with and I don't want to give up too easy. Although whatever happens is indeed out of my control.
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Old 02-11-2015, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Flowers94 View Post
I just worry because I lost some trust since he would lie about taking pills. I feel like he is a match for me tho....
Well, if it were me, I would at this point have lost all trust, and certainly wouldn't feel like he was a match -- but that's just me. I choose not to have drugs in my life.

Originally Posted by Flowers94 View Post
He's the second guy I've fallen in love with and I don't want to give up too easy.
Not sure I'd call it giving up. I would call it using my common sense. But again, that's just me.
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Old 02-11-2015, 09:22 AM
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I think your whole post really has nothing to do with his drug issues or his recovery and everything to do with you and your issues. Codependency is something that you can learn about and work on for you.

The best advice to offer you is that you seek out some counseling for you and work on your issues.
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Old 02-11-2015, 09:26 AM
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Flowers i am so glad you came here asking questions. look around the forums, read the stickies at the top of this section and please understand that everyone here who responds hears something in your posts which they relate to and their responses are about helping YOU - not him...

the addict in my life is my son. as a parent walking away is much less of an option. you asked for advice and my advice to you is to walk away. quickly. then continue to read and post here in order to understand why you would think being in a relationship with someone you can't trust and from the sounds of it in a very short time has already brought you to a place of unhappiness is a good thing...

do not become a place for active addiction to get comfortable for him as it only leads to major heartache for you..... and the lies get worse.

be safe. love yourself first and choose that which lifts you up and brings you joy!
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Old 02-11-2015, 09:36 AM
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considering that you have known him/been dating for three itty bitty months and in the first month he was lying to you and using drugs, you barely know this guy. which means what you feel probably isn't LOVE at this point...more infatuation and romance. LOVE takes TIME.

he is just now embarking on a life long journey of recovery. if he is going to make a real go of it, he will need to keep up with meetings, with spending time with other recovering addicts and being invested in a sober lifestyle. as early in recovery as he is right now he's your basic hot mess. and will stay that way for a while.........addiction is a very deep seeded disease....it affects the person mentally, physically and emotionally. he is likely to change his mind about things many times....he WILL be moody. he will have to deal with cravings.

and none of that is the job of the girlfriend. you aren't his sober buddy. but you will have to play second fiddle to his recovery....

why not just adopt a wait and see attitude? don't cling, don't hold on too tight, and don't commit yourself to what you do not know yet.
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Old 02-11-2015, 10:57 AM
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Hello. I encourage you to read the many posts here on how hard it is to live with an addict. I know that in the beginning that everyone thinks their own relationship will overcome it. It's a future filled with uncertainty, stress, and misery.

I hope you read a lot here.
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