Angelscry

I have been with AH for 10 years now and looking back we sure were happy before drugs and alcohol became a problem. Then we had a stint of happiness in between. But I have learned now, finally that if after 10 years nothing much has changed. For us chances are really slim that they ever would. I have learnt that we, the kids and I, deserve better that what we currently have.

Zozo said once that we should look at past behavior to determine future behavior. I learned, judging by AH past behavior that he had 10 years to change to work on him and he failed to do so consistently.

I have also learnt that the reason I am hanging on to the notion that he will change and we will go back to being a happy family again, is because I am so damn afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being divorced I am 30 years old and I am afraid of going it alone. I am afraid he will pull himself together for a new woman and be happy with her instead of with us. But I have learned that one cannot love an addict into sobriety, they have to want to be sober so I doubt a woman will walk into his life and make him sober up.

I have decided to put away some cash each month till the end of this year. I want to save up for a deposit then I am going to move to another province. I want to move as far away from him as possible so that the kids and I can start over without him coming by the house uninvited. I am going to get my drivers I am going to buy a car and I am going to rebuild my life. Brick by Brick I am going to pick up the remains of my broken life and mend it all together.

I have a very low self esteem, always thinking if he does not want to love me who ever will. I keep thinking I am unlovable that I have nothing to offer no one. I have learned at least my kids love me and that's enough for me for now and I am busying learning to love me.

Sitting at work with a big old lump in my throat right now, but I just had to get all of that out. Have not seen AH for 2 days and 3 nights now and this has finally helped me to realize I deserve better. I just wanted to be happy to be loved and to give all my love in return. Well this time it did not work, after 10 years I can honestly say I tried to save this marriage. I am scared but I have to do this. I am planning for my future and I am going to be happy if not now then at least some day soon cause I am going to work towards it.

AC

zoso77

I'm in my mid 40's, I'm not married, and I don't have a girlfriend. This qualifies me as alone. But there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, and I'm not lonely.

I don't believe it's healthy to be afraid of what could happen don't the road. Especially when something is not in our control. The fact your AH has continued to use is not a function of you or your kids. It's a function of what he gives himself permission to do. The reason why marriage with an addict does not work is because the addict puts their desires ahead of the viability of the marriage. Could he straighten himself out and marry another woman? Sure. But I consider that a low probability event.

Life is life. There's no avoiding pain, loss, or disappointment. All we can do is roll with it. We make the best choices for ourselves, and in your case, you do what is best for your children. And the chips fall where they may.

My hope for you is going forward, the experiences you've had with your AH makes you appreciate the good stuff in life even more. A lot of times, we're guilty of going through our day to day lives without being grateful of what it is we have. I certainly was for the longest time. When you land on your feet, AngelsCry, and you start to rebuild and gain more confidence, you'll understand what I mean.

Take care.

Angelscry

Thank you Zoso I do hope I'll land on my feet. I just need to start believing in myself more. My children need a healthier life the need security. He has all the help in the world his employer offered help he still did not make use of the opportunity. That's him I want to change my life and I'm going to. 40's? man you are still young.

zoso77

Chronologically, yes.

Spiritually and mentally? Not so much.

CodeJob

Hello Angels Cry, You might like reading Stung's story on the FFA board. I have learned a lot reading other people's stories here.

Work on your fear of abandonment. It is worthwhile work. It will help you redefine love. It isn't something you give away. You will see you are a little love nuclear reactor and that loving yourself first will just create more of it. It is always there for your kids, right? It is there for you too. Always. It will be there for you to share with anyone who you bring into that inner circle.

hopeful4

I turned the big 40 in December. I got divorced last year. My anxiety was so much less b/c I did not have that chaos in my life. Low and behold, there is happiness in my life! I don't feel alone. I already had a dog, I also now have two cats and two kids LOL. I enjoy my time! While I was physically there before, now I am mentally there. I don't have to be eaten up with anxiety. I am free!

You are young. You have a great future in front of you! While I am not dating anyone, I am not ready for that, opportunity is definitely there. People try and set me up all the time! I don't know when I will be ready, but I don't worry about that right now. I just enjoy being happy!

I know it's hard, but your plan is a good one! Divorce is not a life full of doom and being lonely, I promise! XXX

Hope7726

Angel, like zoso said, there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Right now you are lonely as hell. There is no worse feeling, to me, than being in a partnership yet feeling completely and totally alone. At least when you are single there is that hope you will meet someone. And you can try. When you attach yourself to someone who doesn't give a damn about you, you can't look elsewhere. You can't count on him to change. You're stuck. Hopeless. Lonely. Unfulfilled. That is NO life to live.

I know you have read many posts here from people who eventually did leave their ALO and yes at first, they are sad. They have the same fear that you mentioned - what if he cleans up his act and finds someone else and they live the life that I wanted? How often does that happen? How often does someone come back here and say, I left my ALO and it was the biggest mistake of my life and I've never recovered from it.

Good for you for having a plan!

Eauchiche

I am 55. Psychologically, I have already faced my own mortality.

In spite of all that, I am not afraid to be alone in the future, because it is better than being in a relationship with an active addict.

I am not lonely either. I have found that to look to another person to cure loneliness means disaster.

Ann

Angelcry, you are a woman of strength and it shows in your words above. Making a plan, just as you have, is half the battle. Just "knowing" you have a plan will help you through some tough days.

It's a good plan, a wise one that takes care of you and your children in a happier home. I agree with those who have suggested that you may find the peace and lack of chaos, refreshing and just what you all need to find your "new beginnings".

It's never ever too late to exchange a life of sadness and despair for one of peace and serenity and love and happiness...and it doesn't take a "couple" to make a life like this.

Hugs

RoseMadder

I am in my early fifties, married to an addict for 30 yrs, and going through a horrible divorce right now. He always promised to make me penniless and homeless if I left him, and this is the one time he is doing his darndest to actually follow through on something, lol.

But I know once I get through this, my life will be so much better, in part because this is true:

I 've been rebuilding my life too, brick by brick. I went back to school in my late 40s while taking care of my 4 kids, including one with special needs.
I found a job, got benefits, started saving for attorney fees, finally filed in December.

Every day life continues to go on, so it's my choice whether I want to keep moving forward or stay stuck.

This quote helped inspire me to go back to school and make the changes I needed to in my life:
Being brave and courageous doesn't mean feeling that way, and feeling no fear- it means you keep moving forward in spite of the fear and doubt you may face. You are strong, capable and brave. You got this. One brick at a time.
We are here for you.

Jorgenss

I am in my mid 40's as well and keep reminding myself that I have never felt so lonely sitting next to my AXBF, while I was supposed to be fulfilled. It helps me get through the "lonely" days.

Angelscry

I have read each and every response to this post of mine. And I just wanted to say thank you to all my SR buddies. It is so encouraging to read how you all have overcome your bad situations and are still working on getting well and living a better life. I am so inspired, I am feeling optimistic about the future.

Please keep on sharing your stories with me, it helps me allot.
Codejob - I am actually busy reading Stung's story, thank you for the suggestion.

Hopeful4 - thank you for sharing your experience, your giving me hope.

Hope7726 - thanks for the comment about how no-one ever regrets leaving and active addict. I think its just my insecurity speaking when my mind thinks like that.

Ann - thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. You will be happy to know that 'Mrs scared of driving' made her drivers appointment and hopefully by the end of March I will be driving away into the sunset with my own little car

Rosemadder, I am going to remember this: Every day life continues to go on, so it's my choice whether I want to keep moving forward or stay stuck. I remind myself that I always have a choice.

Vale

Angelscry wrote:

"I have a very low self esteem"

===========
I call bullcrap. It is self evident that the
person who wrote that stirring piece
has a very HIGH self esteem.
She is just tired of being
treated like nothing.