Chibi

Hey LostHope...I read your post and felt so sad to hear of your situation. I kicked my AH out last week. I knew for me it was the right thing to do but I was so sad. I did a bunch of good things for myself. It was hard at first but each day got better. Now that it has been over a week I can't imagine going back to the way things were before. No lies, I can do what I want, when I want and it feels great. Of course he pulled the usual BS but I don't care! Some truth mixed in with the lies...so what!!! I like the way things are now. Best of all my kids are totally different, they are so happy and enjoying themselves. I'm happy...
Do what you have to do for you, but just to let you know you can be happy again...

story74

I remember being right where you are. It has been around 3 years and I am in a good place. It was a tough road, but I am here. There are times when I am still upset, but not as much. It does get better. And, when people would say that to me, "it does get beter", I would get very annoyed. How, I thought, could things ever get better? I had just lost everything, my home, my husband, friends and family, money, my best friend. It hurts so bad. Take a look through all my many many posts.

I always said during the "explosion" that I should be on a lifetime movie. He was cheating on me for 6 months. I had idea. He was a coke head. I had no idea. Now, that being said, there were signs. MAJOR ones, but I didn't know to what extent. I NEVER EVER thought he would be a drug addict and we would EVER get divorced. But, we did and he is. Heartbreaking. The truth ALWAYS comes out at some point. My sweet thoughtful AXH had taken his ***** on a vacation on mothers day weekend while I entertained his mother. He abandoned us after that weekend. I was a stay at home mom. My son (age 2 at the time) moved out within 2 weeks. I was divorced with 3 months. FAST. My xah wanted nothing to do with me emotionally or financially. He just left. He stayed around for awhile trying to see our child. It was chaos. And, dealing with him was beyond difficult. He finally, and thankfully, and painfully, disappeared. I lost 20 lbs in 8 weeks. I cried every night. It took everything out of me just to get through the day. But, I did. I got through stronger than ever, and you can do it too. No matter what try to see the good. I grew up. I began to understand what a real man should be. What being responsible meant. What being a family meant. My morals, values and ethics became very clear and well defined. The hardest part was realizing that I did not need him to be happy. He made his own choices. I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. All I can say is hang in there, because when all is said and done...life is too beautiful! Sending many many blessings your way!

CodeJob

Thank you for sharing Story!

allforcnm

The first thing I saw when I read you post was how you were reaching out for help through the center’s family therapy & how you went to see your own psychiatrist for help. These are good things, and I know for me it would have taken courage to do both, so I just want to recognize your self care.

Whatever feelings you have right now – those are genuine, those are your truth. You have a right to feel hurt, betrayed, angry. In my past I have felt the same with my husband. In time your feelings may change, but for now this is where you at.

Decisions about a marriage are very personal and no one can tell you what to do because the choice is all yours. It is complicated just as you said especially when you have kids. I have been on both sides of this decision. When my husband was in active addiction, his behavior wasn’t compatible with our marriage, and we separated for a year until he went into recovery. During that time apart, I had no idea what would happen – if we would ever get back together. I learned a lot about myself during that time, went through a pregnancy alone, the birth of our first child. I made mistakes but I learned & I am stronger because of it. Life didn’t stop as I had feared.

I also made the decision to get back with him once he was dedicated to recovery. I have no regrets on that either… this is what I mean by its all a personal choice & depends on our individual situations.

I hope the new prescriptions make you feel better soon. Maybe try to take it easy, keep things as simple as possible for now until you have time to adjust & see how they will work. Good thoughts being sent your way….

peacesoul

LostHope add me to the list of those that experienced and experiencing such harsh heartbreak. It still hurts, and sometimes gets better only to get worse again. To feel so deeply, especially when realizing that the A never or not for a very long time, had such or many at all feelings for you.
Kindeyes, your explanation of a coping mechanism gone wrong helped me, thank you.

You should have hope, even if you have very little faith that he will get better.
Thank you especially to those responders that were here in this position but show that they made it through to a better life!

L0stH0pe

thanks all for your comments.. he never ceases to amaze me... well him and the stupid cow of an enabling mother he has..

they came to pick the little sunshine up for dinner and retail therapy.. when he finally returned home, he reeked of alcohol, but was adamant he only had "one beer" with his dinner... what kind of a mother sits there, watches her son take his subotex in front of her and then calm as a clam lets him order booze??? hes not even been clean A WEEK and here he is, downing beer.. that is after he saw on wednesday what his lying and conniving has done to our marriage. Why couldnt he just say "Ill have a coke, fanta, sprite" whatever?? why did it have to be alcohol? he is really THAT stupid?? hell, im not an addict/alcoholic and i know that that ONE beer is going to turn into his usual 16..

his mother is the biggest enabler and most selfish, stupid cow i have EVER come across.. shes got one 43 yrs old son at home, a paranoid schizophrenic due to his drug abuse, she sits by and watches HIM drink alcohol every day on his meds.. how on earth can i get AH onto a straight and narrow when shes just letting him off???

Chino

As a former enabling selfish stupid cow mom, I can say from experience that you can't get him on the straight and narrow. She can't do that and neither can you. You can try to manipulate and coerce him there, but ultimately it's up to him.

L0stH0pe

chino... so you would have bought your son/daughter alcohol while they were popping their subotrex/subotrone right in front of you???

ive asked this woman to help me with HER son soooo many times, told her, he gets everything provided for him pls dont send him more cash... just for her to go and do exactly that??? I had packed him off to live with her at the end of january... once she realised what it was like living with him, she soon sent him back to me. It was "take him back or hell sleep in the park". If i had known back THEN (yes even as recent as last month) what i know NOW, i would have told her.. not my problem anymore he WALKED out on us again, let him sort himself out.

im not manipulating or coercing .. im stupid myself to trust him and believe him time and again.. but im not enabling him and making it easier for him either...

LoveMeNow

If he is drinking, he isn't clean! Alcohol is a drug. It's hard to accept, I know, but he just isn't done yet. All the anger and pain I felt, only hurt me....didn't hurt my husband at all. He is living the life he wants, with or without me.

Now, more importantly, what are you going to do for YOU? Have you considered any face to face support? Alanon? Naranon? Have you read codependent no more?

The focus has to be redirected to you and your kids.

LoveMeNow

It's never to late to ask him to leave again!!

What are your boundaries, make a list.....and stand by it. Boundaries are for you, not an attempt to control others. They don't even need to be stated to him.

I will not live with someone who uses drugs.
I will not live with anyone who lies.
I will not accept unacceptable behavior, regardless of the reason.

L0stH0pe

yes i read the book, my psychiatrist laughed when i came out with the notion of being codependent... and i dont label myself as such either. Im on the waiting list for counselling, we cant afford private prices. I rang the addiction center he attends as they advertise family support, but that is only on paper i think as she was quite clear that they were "no marriage counselling service" and therefore couldnt really do anything other than "educate me about addiction".

We dont really have NarAnon here, and im not allowed to share my personal view on the program, so best to just leave it as ... it isnt for me personally that is NOT to say that it isnt a wonderful thing and the answer for all things wrong for other people.

Hawkeye13

LH, you can't "get AH on the straight and narrow" if he won't choose to do it no matter what I'm sorry to say. . . his enabling mother may be contributing but bottom line is that he is the one putting the pills and booze in his mouth.

I say this as a former alcoholic myself--no matter what your family does or doesn't do, the decision to use is always your own. He isn't done using--that seems very clear.

You have to decide what is best for you and your kids with the assumption that his
continued abuse will (very likely) be in all of your lives. You have endured so much
and I think you deserve so much better for yourself and your kids.

I spent most of my life dealing with an alcoholic mother, became alcoholic myself, and am only now seeing how harmful growing up with addiction has been to me,
and how much damage I caused to my spouse without intending to. But I did it, and he's doing it to you.

You are in a very difficult place right now and I think you are doing an amazing job
to keep your family together and to educate yourself about addiction and its effects.
Take your time and move slowly--progress is being made I think.

LoveMeNow

Ok!! Maybe Craft is an option for you then. You could try reading the book Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening. Maybe that will help you.

Keeping your kids, you and your husband in my prayers.

L0stH0pe

thank you for that LMN... i am looking at that on amazon as i type will definitely check it out as it is in kindle format!!

I know it all boils down to one thing: how much am i willing to take from here on in and can this rift ever be closed that HE has created. At the moment, im leaning to NO, i cant do this anymore.. HE is lamenting that hes a changed man (seriously dude, not ONE week into your suppsed recovery youre hitting the alcohol???? FY)..

Thank you all for being so patient with me while i silently rage, rant, vent, scream and basically behave like a toddler.. but at least, getting it all out on here, it is not poisoning my relationship with my kids .. when i get too hot under the collar, i come on here and abuse my keyboard for a few minutes (and yes, most of posts are being revised, typed, deleted, retyped, deleted again before i hit that post reply button) ... but just getting all the gangrene out of my system feels like purging..

thanks all for being there.. and just "listening" to me

KeepinItReal

The CRAFT method is good.

I personally don't use alanon or naranon but am in faith based "counseling".

My personal boundaries are "I will not live with active addiction".

LoveMeNow

I personally did not care for Craft but I was also resistant to Alanon or Naranon too. I just wanted him to change, lol.

I also didn't care what my original therapist thought about codependency either. After reading about it, I knew I had become extremely codependent in my relationship with my husband. I probably was long before that but when his addiction entered, my codependency really kicked in. Fortunately, my replacement therapist was well educated on addiction, abuse and codependency. She didn't label it, we just addressed my issues.

I did everything within my power to try and change him to what I wanted and to what I needed. Today, I know that I can not change anyone but me and I no longer want to or even try. Over time, it has become very freeing to have reached this point in MY life.

BlueChair

No way should you MIL be paying for drinks at dinner especially if hes on medication and she knows this. Your right!! He can still go out and buy his own but I think your talking about her actions. I would be furious if my MIL did that ! I asked my addiction specialist counselor about codependency too and was told NO your not don’t start in with symptoms like a hypochondriac because the list of things suggested covers every emotion known to man. Im not using anything to help me but my own counseling, family counseling with him.

CRAFT is good.

Im only now learning about it. Last week I signed up over at the SMART Recovery site. They will help you learn it for free, but you might want a book. I dont have one yet but Id like to get it. There are some funny threads over there on codependency might cheer you up. I doubt I could share them here.

Chino

I've done all sorts of ******* crazy things but none of them made me a stupid cow.

L0stH0pe

Blue.. ive just checked and we have SMART in the UK!! ive signed up to the website but to my surprise, i also found that we have a local meeting on a Saturday afternoon.. sooo much more doable for me than the AA meeting! Having had a quick look, that is much better approach for ME (personally only.. not speaking for others who like AA)

Although, reading through their main information it isnt really for the families/supporters of addicts but im at desperation point and science is always a word that suckers me in.

@Chino... Blue had me right on the money, i was talking about MY MOTHER IN LAW.. not you, not anyone else here. My MIL unfortunately is a stupid cow, she is an enabler who will NOT EVER let go of her two little boys (who are both 40+), she treats them like children and will not, under any circumstance, be told that she is hindering and NOT helping with AH's recovery. Yet, she moans constantly that she has BIL back living with her, because HIS wife couldnt and wouldnt put up with him and paranoia and continued use of drugs/alcohol any longer. She did NOT like it when I refused to have AH back in February and the emotional blackmail she put on me to cave and have him back here was bordering on abuse. She couldnt cope with him, but im expected to... not once has that woman recognized that i am actually trying my best with HER son, not once has she acknowledged that what HER son did to me and my children was wrong, wrong,wrong.. even when he beat on me (knowing that i had left a previously severely abusive relationship), she just said "oh well it wasnt really HIM, it was the drugs". Yes, it was the drugs, but that just made me MORE wary every time he was high, drunk or else under the influence. So, i very much doubt that you have anything in common with this woman.

Hawkeye13

That is terrific you've found a local meeting Hope--here's to a better day
and building the support you need to step off the crazy train forever. . .

Take care of you and best wishes for a positive and uplifting day