The truth came out

Old 03-28-2014, 05:49 AM
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The truth came out

.. and i was in NO way prepared for the depth of deceit and lies my AH has been putting me through for the most time of our marriage.

Right now, i feel betrayed, taken for a fool, enraged, hurt, angry, frustrated and most of all STUPID.. how could i fall for someone like that? i could i even now not have the strength to give me a tiny bit of self respect and WALK AWAY already? Why do i stay here and give him yet another chance..

oh wait, but he loves me and he cant help that he is addicted. YES you CAN, you CHOOSE to throw this stuff down your neck, you choose to lie, hurt, betray me.. this is as bad as cheating on me. At least another woman, i could kind of compete with.. but this stuff? i stand no chance.

i went to his addiction center on wednesday (i rang them distraught in the morning and they could tell that i was at breaking point so scheduled me in for an emergency appointment within the hour).. AH had told me he had signed a waiver to say they could discuss his case with me if ever i needed to talk to them. When i got there, it turns out that no, he hadnt signed at all so they could only tell me with certainty that he is a LIAR. They rang him because they were by that point worried about ME and what i would do to myself, and he came in. Turns out hes only been without drugs for 2 DAYS.. not the two months hed told me, so i WAS right all those times over the last months when i thought he was high and he kept denying it... he gave the usual addicts excuses.. "i was protecting you", "i couldnt help it", "its what the keyworker told me to do" "but im clean NOW"

my head is spinning, my heart is broken.. this is not what i signed up for when i married this man.. he says he is now back to the man i married (yeah right, now we are tethered to the pharmacy for your suboxone).. i went to the center to get some help for ME (as they advertise counselling for family members), for someone to help me work through this confusion of thoughts and feelings i have only to be told.. its simple you either stay or you leave. It isnt that simple when you are married though.. there are lots of factors at work here and i needed someone to listen to ME, someone to be on MY side and hold MY hand and then let me work out what I need..

i saw my psychiatrist y/day and he was shocked at the state i was in, he has upped all my medication and added some more, i hadnt slept in a week, so was going delusional/having hallucinations on and off, my weight was back down to 127lbs (im 5'5), some of my wounds had gotten infected but i couldnt even get them seen to.. so all this because of an AH... im torturing myself and for what?

the person i saw at the addiction center thinks its possible for an addict to love, but i dont know i believe her.. i dont think he loves me or the kids, i think he loves the easy cushy number hes got here. The free meals, the clean clothes, the clean house, the rides here there and everywhere.. he loves his creature comforts but not me..

im hurting and im angry.. and he is sitting there with his sweeties, locking them up in his precious box .... i just want to scream at him and throttle him and hurt HIM in the way hes hurt me at the moment.
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Old 03-28-2014, 05:56 AM
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wow hon, you need a BREAK. you have to put you first....and him way down the list, like after taking out the recycle. no more catering to his needs...time for SELF CARE.
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Old 03-28-2014, 06:17 AM
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thanks anvil.. unfortunately, my "selfcare" is rather destructive... today im just mainly feeling sick due to having started the new meds my doctor prescribed, but he thinks they should make me better within a week.. but now im on antipsychotics as well as all the other cocktail of drugs hes been prescribing in an attempt to stabilize me in an unstable relationship.

i told him y/day what was at the bottom of the recent relapse and he did give AH a right talking to, not that that made a blind bit of difference.

i hate being sick because of AH's addictions.. i hate what those pills have turned ME into..i used to be a gentle, generous, fun to be around person.. now i look at myself and i dont know ME anymore.. i got left behind in the battlefield somewhere
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Old 03-28-2014, 06:28 AM
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are you concerned about AH taking your pills? is it possible for him to leave and stay somewhere else? or you? you can't keep going like this babe.
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Old 03-28-2014, 06:48 AM
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ive been keeping my diazepam and clonazepam seperately for months now, ever since finding out that he used to sell THOSE to get HIS pills...

i did ask him if he could go and stay with his parents for a while, until i got my head sorted.. he started yelling and accusing me of all sorts of things, then said that his prescription for the sub couldnt be changed and that he has to stay in town. The only people he knows here are his druggy friends, so hed be right back staying with his mates who are all into his drugs.

i know in my head that i should just let go of him, that for my own sanity i need to get rid.. but my heart is a different matter. I married this man because i loved him, i dont know if i still do or not but there is obviously something that is keeping me to him. I mentioned codependency to the case worker i saw, but she was adamant that, in her experience, i am not quite a codependent... but i dont know that i trust that center tbh. These new pills i will have to hide .. but im used to hiding stuff like bank cards, money, anything that could be pawned...

he just asked if i could give him a lift for acupuncture.. but i told him he could fetch a bus or walk the 1 1/2 miles and blamed it on side effects from the new drugs im learning that i can be devious too

ETA: thanks anvil, i just looked up my new pills for "abuse" potential and it was number THREE on the list.. no wonder his eyes lit up when he heard i was going on antipsychotics @_@ yup i will have to lock these babies up or theyll end up in his little "official" treasure chest.
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Old 03-28-2014, 07:00 AM
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Hi LostHope, Hugs to you. See - your insticts were right. You were not crazy.

Your feelings are perfectly normal to discover such manipulation and lying.

I am very concerned for you. It sounds like you need immediate help. Help focused on you rather than your addict. Do you have any family who can help with the kids? A friend who can come and help assess what YOU need and help pull in assistance? I am very concerned you need a break from this relationship now. You are not going to stabilize staying in this atmosphere. Much like two scrapping kids, you two need a time out!

You are right. He chooses his addiction over you. It is heartbreaking. Here we thought we gave everything to this partner, and it was all a false front. Time for you to choose you so you can be heal and be present for your children. Pull in help Lost Hope. Help focused on YOU.

Time for those airport oxygen masks. Put yours on first, then get your kids situated. Your addict has his program to fall back to. Time for you now.
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Old 03-28-2014, 07:21 AM
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I am sorry....it sounds terrible. The anguish in your post is palpable.

I can share my own experiences but, as you mentioned, ultimately you have choices too.....just like he does. And those choices aren't easy. I've had to make difficult choices with a husband and an adult son. Everyone here on SR understands what it's like to love someone who is addicted. They don't love the addict in their lives more or less than you love your husband. We do get it.....we've lived it (or are still living it).

I loved my XAH....but it came down to self preservation for me and my little son. The relationship was one sided. XAH held me hostage in the marriage by telling me that he'd kill himself if I left. So I stayed......until the pain of leaving him became less than the pain of staying with him. Until I said "If he kills himself...there's nothing I can do about that because I'm going to die if I stay." There was a tipping point.....where I knew that regardless of how much I loved him, I could not carry the relationship alone. He had a mistress and I couldn't compete with her.....drugs. If I stayed, I knew that I was not a victim.....I was a volunteer in the chaos. A willing participant. My wishing that it was different...that he would change....wasn't going to make it happen.

No one can tell you that you are codependent or not.....really not even a counselor....because until you know whether you are or not.....it doesn't matter. They can give you an opinion but unless you embrace the fact that you are....or are not.....it has no meaning. I am a codependent. I am not ashamed of that or embarrassed by it. By facing it and understanding it, I am able to do something about it. Codependency (in my opinion) is a set of maladaptive behaviors in response to either an unhealthy upbringing or long term exposure to a close unhealthy relationship dynamic. It is screwed up coping skills......just like addiction is screwed up coping skills. Often, when addiction is involved, there are two people involved, both with maladaptive coping mechanisms....caught in a vortex.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I remember being in that vortex.....your post takes me back there.....I've lived it....but I'm so glad I found my way out. I don't ever want to be "there" again.

peace and gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-28-2014, 07:40 AM
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Self love - be kind to yourself.

Your husband or anyone for that fact cannot make you fell anyway that you don't allow them to make you feel. You have control of your emotions. You don't HAVE to feel anyway.

Keep your calm - and your control on your side of the street. He did what he did - and if you believe it or not... it's not personal.

Every addict - EVERY ADDICT - lies. Period.
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Old 03-28-2014, 08:50 AM
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oh believe me it is very personal @KeepinItReal
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Old 03-28-2014, 09:06 AM
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it might feel that way, but he would treat anyone in your shoes the exact same way - with abuse and lies and disrespect. because THAT IS WHO HE IS. you can love him from a thousand miles away...love NEVER requires us to stay in harms way, or to be used and abused by the object of our affection.

you deserve better. so much better. he has one priority. ONE. and will mow down anything or anyone that gets in his way. that's not love.
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Old 03-28-2014, 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted by L0stH0pe View Post
oh believe me it is very personal @KeepinItReal
You won't get this yet, but put it in the back of your head and pull it out later.

Question: What is the one thing every human needs to survive?
Answer: AIR

To an addict AIR = DRUGS.

It's NOT personal, but it sure does feel that way.
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Old 03-28-2014, 09:21 AM
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cynical i "read" what you are saying.. but really.. if you cut off my air supply, i DIE (literally not figuratively speaking)... cut off his drugs and yeah, he will experience some nasty come downs, feel rotten and lousy and maybe AS THOUGH he is dying but he wouldnt ACTUALLY die...

i shouldnt keep checking on this thread.. maybe i shouldnt have posted it in the first place as i am just broken into tiny pieces and no idea how to put me together again...
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Old 03-28-2014, 09:41 AM
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You've got kids. Put them at the center of your world right now. When you start getting upset/sad/angry/etc at him, just take a breath and look at your kids. Or a picture of them. Because, as a mom myself, what MAN can EVER compare to your children?? If he is worthless, kick him out & protect your kids. You are their role model. Do you want them to end up as miserable as you are when they end up with someone that takes advantage of all of their fantastic qualities? Cause the thing is, you married him, there is a part of you that does still love him-that doesn't have to go away. Let him get cleaned up & his head sorted out & if he can do that, great, you can bring that love back out & let it shine. But if he can't, you will make yourself miserable as well as show your kids that you don't feel like you are good enough to put yourself first, and that they aren't worth being put first either. I guarantee, they think you are & that you deserve better. And they NEED to know that their mom is there for them. And right now, if you let HIS problems control your life, they are going to see that. Do not let that become a norm for them. A lady in Alanon talked about her childhood with her alcoholic father, and she has been married to an alcoholic for decades. It made me feel sooo SAD for her. If her mom could have walked away & put the kids first, maybe she would have been able to find a happier path in life. But she married what she knew.
Just think of the kids. They will help you put those tiny pieces back together if you let them.
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Old 03-28-2014, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by L0stH0pe View Post
cynical i "read" what you are saying.. but really.. if you cut off my air supply, i DIE (literally not figuratively speaking)... cut off his drugs and yeah, he will experience some nasty come downs, feel rotten and lousy and maybe AS THOUGH he is dying but he wouldnt ACTUALLY die...

i shouldnt keep checking on this thread.. maybe i shouldnt have posted it in the first place as i am just broken into tiny pieces and no idea how to put me together again...
Hon....this process is just that.....a process. It doesn't happen over night and there's no "yanking the bandaid off" that's going to make it any easier. We all do it in our own time. The people who you have reached out to are extending their hands....experienced hands. Why? Because we've been there and we do care....or believe me.....we wouldn't be here. We've lived a hell like you are experiencing and survived. You can too.

I also got to the point where I was broken into little pieces....but that's what it took for me to build a new foundation......from the ground up. I couldn't build on the broken foundation.....I had to tear it all up and start all over and I didn't get to that point until I was in my 40s and it took about 8 years for me to really rebuild myself.....and feel really good (but remember.....I'm a very slow learner.....lol....). It was worth it. I was worth it. And so are you.

Now.....let's take the focus off of him....what are you doing for yourself? Personally, the last freaking thing I knew how to do was to do nice things for me. I had completely lost touch with myself because I had gotten so wrapped up in the chaos, lies, circular arguments, emotional/psychological abuse and all of the other garbage that goes on around addiction. What makes you feel good? What brings you enjoyment? If you can't answer those questions....that's ok...I couldn't either. But at least I started looking for those healthy things that could bring me a measure of comfort. Reading. Music. Exercise (I needed to rid myself of some horrible internal energy and exercise was a great way for me to do it). Yoga. Meditation. Walks on the beach (I'm lucky to live near some beautiful Pacific Northwest Beaches). Whatever little bit of good stuff you can bring into your life.......it's a start......baby steps.

Please.....take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-28-2014, 10:25 AM
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Lost I know you're hurting right now! It must be devastating to have trusted someone and all that time they were lying to you! That's awful! Supportive ((((hugs)))) going out your way!
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Old 03-28-2014, 11:43 AM
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Losthope,

Their brain becomes so sick, rewired, that the brain thinks it will die with out the drugs. Even knowing that, I still find it hard not to take it personal.

I understand how painful this is. It's been almost 2 years since my husband claimed he wanted recovery but it was a constant roller coaster and I finally had to get off for my own sanity. Today, he is still active in his addiction.

It's easy to beat ourselves up over being stupid but I think, deep down I always knew the truth, I just didn't like my options so denial was easier.

I had to relearn to trust my instincts and stay in reality. It was hard at first but it does get easier.

If you asked him to leave......what are your biggest concerns and fears? You don't need to answer it here but maybe it's time to start working on your concerns and fears. That's what helped me most.
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Old 03-28-2014, 01:29 PM
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I think I can take it not so personally because I had addiction issues - and did and said things I regret - that I wouldn't have done if I were not addicted.

I was only addicted to vicodin and cocaine in a very sick way... and heroin has a much deeper hold. My recovering addicted husband is a IV heroin user.

It's very hard to not take it personally especially when mine sold a family car, and the kids Ipad to get his next fix. I was ANGRY - and didn't respond in the best way.

I pretty much smashed all his glass figurines. I get it. I was just trying to help - because that way of thinking has helped me. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and in no way he did those things to hurt me.... it was just a consequence of those actions he felt he needed to take to get his next fix. Sad... very sad.
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Old 03-28-2014, 01:42 PM
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well right now im all out of compassion and sorry and sympathy and empathy.. i gave him trust when he didnt deserve it.. he KNEW he didnt deserve it.. hes broken it once too often now i think.. but again im being told that i "have to give him this last chance because he is getting help"..

why does everyone feel sorry for HIM and not ONE person asks me how IM feeling? this is not the right place for me right now i dont think...

here he is, out (for the 15th time today)... buying his MOTHER flowers and chocolates and stuffed toys... but theres nothing left for me, not even a sorry or a hug or any kind of move that he also wants to save this marriage.. i know.. take responsibility, walk away, let it go.... right now im taking care of myself the best way i know, and it aint pretty but its MINE and MY way of coping and dealing with MY hurt
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Old 03-28-2014, 01:45 PM
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Who's telling you to give him another chance???

Why should you listen to them?

Do they have YOUR best interests at heart?
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Old 03-28-2014, 02:31 PM
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Lost no one HERE is telling you to give him one more chance. That is YOUR CHOICE! He CHOSE to take drugs. Now you get to CHOOSE if you want to stay in this situation or if you don't. You have choices too.

Everyone here understands you. Don't think that they don't. Everyone's life has been touched by addiction.

They are only telling you that his need for the drug is like air. He thinks he needs it to survive. An addict in active addiction will do everything and anything to keep using. They will lie, cheat, steel, even sell themselves if nessesary to get their drugs. That is why people say its not personal.....because an addict lies even to themselves.

That does not mean you can't be angry! You have every right to feel hurt and angry. You trusted him and he was not trustworthy.
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