This part hurts so much
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Derry
Posts: 45
This part hurts so much
Hi all - I've been lingering around reading posts and such for the past 2 weeks because emotionally I couldn't post. I feel like I shattered - like if I don't wrap myself tight in a blanket at night I might just fall apart. I cry myself to sleep every night and I'm just broken.....OK so here's what is happeneing and I need support because right now I'm a mess.
I had found out that my AH used vicodin and I caught him high and made him take a test...lots of promises and lots of anger from him for my distrust. I stood my ground at first but after a few days I just gave in, I wanted my family intact. His behavior continued to make me wary, but I stuck it out. That's when people started coming to me to verify stories he had told them, to collect money he owed them...etc and I finally confronted him. It was a quiet discussion because in my head I already knew what the end result was going to be. He lied more, cried, begged...but then admitted he lies because it's easy and he doesn't think he can stop lying. I told him I deserved more and he left - with my stepsons. That was about 4 weeks ago. I have felt every emotion known to man since then, but mostly I am so so sad. So sad that the future I thought I had is gone. I'm still watching my stepsons during the day while he works, but pick ups are emotionally hard and if I have any type of question about anything I get accused of trying to run his life. He has called me horrible names and I don't see the same man I loved anymore. He looks angry or sullen all the time. The big event of the past week was he sold our minivan. Yup, even though both of us were on the title, both of us on the loan the car dealership took the van (I still have keys to it) and gave him all the equity we had in it towards a newer nicer car. In the meantime he had taken the van when he left and since I work from home it wasn't an issue. We had discussed that he might need a smaller car, but had no idea he would do this. So now I'm driving a beater car my father found me and he has a new car that - wait for it - his parents have cosigned for as well as gave him their inlaw apartment. So I have a house payment, credit card bills, utilities......and each week since he left he is supposed to be paying me towards the enormous debt he owes me, and each week without fail he has been $60-$80 short of the agreed amount. Hmmmm, smells like a bag of something or some pills to me. So he sold our van and that really hurt me. On top of all this, I have developed hand tremors,migrains, loss of coordination, insomnia, eye pain.....and I'm scheduled for CT and MRI next week - he could care less and told me I'm being dramatic. Dr's don't schedule CT's because their patients are dramatic....I'm really sad that the man who 2 months ago would send me beautiful morning messages or leave notes for me around the house is now gone. He has told me that if we divorce I'll never see my stepsons again (I have raised them for the past few years, the youngest was taken from his bio mom just after he was born because of her heroine addiction, I'm the only mom he knows) but I also know that I have my own 13 year old daughter to think of. I learned that in his past he has done these same things - years and years ago - he even defaulted on a car loan his parents co-signed for when he was in his early 20's. History is repeating itself and his verbal abuse is terrible. When I asked him yesterday how much he got for the van and if I was going to be reimbursed for my share he punched my wardrobe and cracked the wood. Today, when he picked up the boys he was verbally abusive to me and said that I was being a total control freak wanting more information on the van. The car dealership did fax the paperwork to me when I called them - the salesman told me that they were told we were still together and I would be in later this week to sign the paperwork. I advised that was not the case, and asked him if we were still together why would his parents be with him and not me? Why would they cosign on a loan for a car that did not have both of our names on it???? Crickets from the salesman. So the real kick in the pants is my car was worth at least $4500 - and he accepted their offer of $2100! The paperwork shows this, and I'm sure his parents told him to just take their offer and be done with it. They hate me because I broke up the family! I did this, not his drug use, not the lies? I did this because I have some shred of self worth left. His actions with the car, with the punching the wardrobe and with the verbal abuse has just pushed me to the point where I'm actually considering divorce knowing I'll lose those two boys........I don't know what to do, and I know that I'll heal and my daughter will heal if I do this. He won't go to treatment, says he can do this on his own and that he doesn't need any help. I knew he had an addiction before we met, that it had been years since he used and if I had ever pressed for more info I was told that he was a different person and I didn't need that image. God I was naive. Now I pushed for more information and this behavior is a pattern that has happened quite a few times before we met. I never wanted this kind of behavior in my life, I never wanted my daughter to have this in her life. Do I walk away now knowing this is his pattern and his parents will always enable him? Do I walk away now knowing that I may lose those two boys who I love? OR Do I keep my distance and see if this will work itself out. Gosh even as I typed that I knew how silly it sounds.......Has anyone else had every emotion known to man run through their body at the same time before???? It sucks!
I realize this might be a ramble with mistakes - but I'm crying and I'm tired and right now, I feel like this forum is the only place where I can get all this out.
I had found out that my AH used vicodin and I caught him high and made him take a test...lots of promises and lots of anger from him for my distrust. I stood my ground at first but after a few days I just gave in, I wanted my family intact. His behavior continued to make me wary, but I stuck it out. That's when people started coming to me to verify stories he had told them, to collect money he owed them...etc and I finally confronted him. It was a quiet discussion because in my head I already knew what the end result was going to be. He lied more, cried, begged...but then admitted he lies because it's easy and he doesn't think he can stop lying. I told him I deserved more and he left - with my stepsons. That was about 4 weeks ago. I have felt every emotion known to man since then, but mostly I am so so sad. So sad that the future I thought I had is gone. I'm still watching my stepsons during the day while he works, but pick ups are emotionally hard and if I have any type of question about anything I get accused of trying to run his life. He has called me horrible names and I don't see the same man I loved anymore. He looks angry or sullen all the time. The big event of the past week was he sold our minivan. Yup, even though both of us were on the title, both of us on the loan the car dealership took the van (I still have keys to it) and gave him all the equity we had in it towards a newer nicer car. In the meantime he had taken the van when he left and since I work from home it wasn't an issue. We had discussed that he might need a smaller car, but had no idea he would do this. So now I'm driving a beater car my father found me and he has a new car that - wait for it - his parents have cosigned for as well as gave him their inlaw apartment. So I have a house payment, credit card bills, utilities......and each week since he left he is supposed to be paying me towards the enormous debt he owes me, and each week without fail he has been $60-$80 short of the agreed amount. Hmmmm, smells like a bag of something or some pills to me. So he sold our van and that really hurt me. On top of all this, I have developed hand tremors,migrains, loss of coordination, insomnia, eye pain.....and I'm scheduled for CT and MRI next week - he could care less and told me I'm being dramatic. Dr's don't schedule CT's because their patients are dramatic....I'm really sad that the man who 2 months ago would send me beautiful morning messages or leave notes for me around the house is now gone. He has told me that if we divorce I'll never see my stepsons again (I have raised them for the past few years, the youngest was taken from his bio mom just after he was born because of her heroine addiction, I'm the only mom he knows) but I also know that I have my own 13 year old daughter to think of. I learned that in his past he has done these same things - years and years ago - he even defaulted on a car loan his parents co-signed for when he was in his early 20's. History is repeating itself and his verbal abuse is terrible. When I asked him yesterday how much he got for the van and if I was going to be reimbursed for my share he punched my wardrobe and cracked the wood. Today, when he picked up the boys he was verbally abusive to me and said that I was being a total control freak wanting more information on the van. The car dealership did fax the paperwork to me when I called them - the salesman told me that they were told we were still together and I would be in later this week to sign the paperwork. I advised that was not the case, and asked him if we were still together why would his parents be with him and not me? Why would they cosign on a loan for a car that did not have both of our names on it???? Crickets from the salesman. So the real kick in the pants is my car was worth at least $4500 - and he accepted their offer of $2100! The paperwork shows this, and I'm sure his parents told him to just take their offer and be done with it. They hate me because I broke up the family! I did this, not his drug use, not the lies? I did this because I have some shred of self worth left. His actions with the car, with the punching the wardrobe and with the verbal abuse has just pushed me to the point where I'm actually considering divorce knowing I'll lose those two boys........I don't know what to do, and I know that I'll heal and my daughter will heal if I do this. He won't go to treatment, says he can do this on his own and that he doesn't need any help. I knew he had an addiction before we met, that it had been years since he used and if I had ever pressed for more info I was told that he was a different person and I didn't need that image. God I was naive. Now I pushed for more information and this behavior is a pattern that has happened quite a few times before we met. I never wanted this kind of behavior in my life, I never wanted my daughter to have this in her life. Do I walk away now knowing this is his pattern and his parents will always enable him? Do I walk away now knowing that I may lose those two boys who I love? OR Do I keep my distance and see if this will work itself out. Gosh even as I typed that I knew how silly it sounds.......Has anyone else had every emotion known to man run through their body at the same time before???? It sucks!
I realize this might be a ramble with mistakes - but I'm crying and I'm tired and right now, I feel like this forum is the only place where I can get all this out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Penny, the only advice I can give you is be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Feel the emotions and don't feel guilty for them. We are allowed to be upset addiction rips our lives apart.
Read the stickies and be kind to yourself.
Read the stickies and be kind to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Penny wrote:
>>>>>>Wow that was much longer than I thought it was<<<<<<<<
=============================================
....let it be as long as it needs to be........there are few here who do not
understand the pain & suffering, unfortunately.
>>>>>>Wow that was much longer than I thought it was<<<<<<<<
=============================================
....let it be as long as it needs to be........there are few here who do not
understand the pain & suffering, unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Most people here are feeling or have felt exactly what you described in your post. All I can say is keep reading, this site has taught me so much and has given me strength that I could have never imagined I had. You are not alone. Big, big hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi Penny,
(((((Hugs)))) to you and your family. I hate that addiction does this to people and families. You're right, it totally sucks. You have every right to feel what you do, you've been on one hell of a ride these past few weeks. So many of us here see the Jekyll/Hyde personality with our loved ones when they are battling addiction. They become a completely different person.
Take all the time you need to process your thoughts and feelings. Have you thought about counseling? Sometimes someone from the outside can provide some much needed perspective. I remember during a couples therapy session I mentioned how my husband would use drugs in good times and bad times. The therapist looked at me and said "He uses when he's happy and/or when he's sad. In other words, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. "
I spent so much time trying to figure out what the hell was going on and why he did what he did. Eventually I learned that many times there is simply no logic whatsoever to what they are doing. I was trying to be rational with someone that was incapable of being rational themselves. His mind and thought process were being controlled by his drugs/addiction and the rest of the world be damned.
My only recommendation to you would be that whatever decision you make, don't make it out of anger or in a moment of frustration. Give yourself some time to process everything that has happened. When I made the decision to file for divorce, it was a very stressful time. I allowed several weeks to pass by before I actually spoke to an attorney. It was a huge, painful decision and I wanted to make sure that I was doing it for the right reasons and that I myself was in a right state of mind.
Hang in there Penny. I have a quote on my calendar that says "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
Hugs
(((((Hugs)))) to you and your family. I hate that addiction does this to people and families. You're right, it totally sucks. You have every right to feel what you do, you've been on one hell of a ride these past few weeks. So many of us here see the Jekyll/Hyde personality with our loved ones when they are battling addiction. They become a completely different person.
Take all the time you need to process your thoughts and feelings. Have you thought about counseling? Sometimes someone from the outside can provide some much needed perspective. I remember during a couples therapy session I mentioned how my husband would use drugs in good times and bad times. The therapist looked at me and said "He uses when he's happy and/or when he's sad. In other words, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. "
I spent so much time trying to figure out what the hell was going on and why he did what he did. Eventually I learned that many times there is simply no logic whatsoever to what they are doing. I was trying to be rational with someone that was incapable of being rational themselves. His mind and thought process were being controlled by his drugs/addiction and the rest of the world be damned.
My only recommendation to you would be that whatever decision you make, don't make it out of anger or in a moment of frustration. Give yourself some time to process everything that has happened. When I made the decision to file for divorce, it was a very stressful time. I allowed several weeks to pass by before I actually spoke to an attorney. It was a huge, painful decision and I wanted to make sure that I was doing it for the right reasons and that I myself was in a right state of mind.
Hang in there Penny. I have a quote on my calendar that says "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Derry
Posts: 45
I'm in counseling, and it is a godsend. Thank you all for listening and understanding. My family does not understand the dliema in my heart because they have never been down this road. I envy them for that. After I got all this off my chest last night I slept THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!! Wow, I almost forgot what that felt like. This community is amazing and I can't say enough how much I appreciate the ability to "talk" with other people who have been here or are here. Unfortunately there aren't any anon meetings within an hour of where I live, so I'm in private counseling and that's helping a lot, but I'm still so sad/angry. Yesterday was just a boiling point for me - the name calling disgusts me especially since it was in front of my daughter. In the years we have been together he had never called me anything nasty even when times were tough. I'm seeing a totally different side of his family too, and how quickly they turned their backs on me is scary. Thank you all for the support!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 123
Hi penny,
I read your post and it reminded me so much of my battle with my husband- his addiction started with Vicodin too- now it's multiple pills. And yes these drugs cause them to become irritable, disrespectful, and abusive in a number of ways. The things my AH has called me over the years would disgust people. He has also put many many holes in walls, broken doors, beat up my vehicles and his. The aggression only gets worse over time I have found in my situation- so please be careful. I also want to tell you to be careful not to be fooled by his ability to function daily. He will go through ups and downs- one day he sweet as pie- maybe even for months, then bam he's back to being what he is now. It plays mind games with us, and can put one in denial of the addiction.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain- and I know how hard it is when children are involved (I'm a mom too). It's makes it hard to make a decision that some may think should be easy.
The stickies at the top of the page have helped me tremendously. And lots of research on addiction helps to understand what is so difficult. Please keep posting and reading. My prayers are with you.
I read your post and it reminded me so much of my battle with my husband- his addiction started with Vicodin too- now it's multiple pills. And yes these drugs cause them to become irritable, disrespectful, and abusive in a number of ways. The things my AH has called me over the years would disgust people. He has also put many many holes in walls, broken doors, beat up my vehicles and his. The aggression only gets worse over time I have found in my situation- so please be careful. I also want to tell you to be careful not to be fooled by his ability to function daily. He will go through ups and downs- one day he sweet as pie- maybe even for months, then bam he's back to being what he is now. It plays mind games with us, and can put one in denial of the addiction.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain- and I know how hard it is when children are involved (I'm a mom too). It's makes it hard to make a decision that some may think should be easy.
The stickies at the top of the page have helped me tremendously. And lots of research on addiction helps to understand what is so difficult. Please keep posting and reading. My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Penny, your post was so heartfelt and raw...it touched me.
So glad that you are reaching out to get help here and elsewhere.
Like the others have said, don't rush into a decision of what to do.
Many questions that you asked are like trying to predict the future. Its very difficult. But the one thing that you can notice, is what the history looked like. That can give you perspective.
So glad that you are reaching out to get help here and elsewhere.
Like the others have said, don't rush into a decision of what to do.
Many questions that you asked are like trying to predict the future. Its very difficult. But the one thing that you can notice, is what the history looked like. That can give you perspective.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Penny I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what you're going through! I feel so bad for your daughter and your two step-sons too. Have you spoken to an attorney? If it should come to divorce, is there any way at all that you could prove his addiction (unfit parent) and retain custody of the boys? I know how much you love them. It breaks my heart that he is sacrificing the peace and security of you and the children.
Anyway, like the others said no need to rush into anything. Take the time needed to decide what's best for you and your family.
(((Hugs)))
Anyway, like the others said no need to rush into anything. Take the time needed to decide what's best for you and your family.
(((Hugs)))
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