lettingonow

"A tremendous step forward, albeit a very difficult one, is for people who are in a relationship with an addict not to take his behaviors personally."

I think this is my greatest challenge. Any tips on actually practical advice to do this? Praying or repeating to myself its not about me doesn't seem to work (for me.)

~LGN

Twofish

Hi LGN, I personally take things way too serious. Verbal comments, strange, judge mental looks. But when my AD says she hates me, when I know she doesn't. Or sleeping all day or complaining or not helping cleaning up their own messes, this is very difficult to not react to. I breath and breath deep and close my eyes and remember its the AV talking, my children are sick and will return to me, I hope, someday. TF

lettingonow

Thank TF

1. on my list is breathe deeply.

What is AV and AD?

Vale

The big step for me was the true recognition
of the sheer horrific power of what we are/were
up against. It's real,evil, and plays for keeps.
The big realization for me was a real blow
to my (considerable) ego.....that the power of
hard opiates was such that our relative positions
could very easily have been reversed.
The moment you realize that-----"looking
down" on addicts or former addicts.....will simply
NEVER be an option again.
You don't survive battles because you were a
better soldier. You survive because you weren't
unlucky enough to get a round through the chest/
head.

Vale

AD=addicted daughter
AV=addict voice

Stucco

This! I am unlikely to become an alcoholic or opiate addict because I do not like the way they make me feel. I quit smoking cold turkey after a year of struggle. I still have trouble with food.

Each of us is prone to some addiction. It is built into the reward system in the brain. I noticed during a recent stressful time that a chocolate ice cream bar significantly dropped my stress level. Breaking an addiction is a process of reprogramming the reward system.

Stucco

Maybe you can visualize a duck (quacking) or his DOC and overlay it over his face when he is behaving badly.

HealingWillCome

It used to help me to read things like the "What Addicts Do" sticky: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

I had to constantly remind myself that I was in competition with the disease. My xabf loved me, but the addictions, the competition loathed me. So in my mind's eye, I would imagine the disease as a separate being or entity, so to speak, and picture the nastiness spewing from the disease and not the man I loved. It may sound a little weird, but it really helped me to separate the two.

Vale

It helps to understand that freedom to choose----the option
to abort....is not theirs anymore. The DOC is calling all the
shots.
The last time I saw the addict I cared about in life, she
was knee deep in filth in a dope den...repeating over and over
"I am so sorry". She KNEW what she had done to her life,
home, and family.......(utterly destroyed them all).
She was very well aware----she just saw no way out, and
( at least for her)........ there wasn't.
How to not take it personally? I don't know. If I did know
I wouldn't BE here. Someone or something extinguishing
the light of a good person that you cared about?
I think that is as personal as it gets. I am not sure turning the
other cheek is compatible with the establishment of healthy borders.
Pushed to that choice.....I chose borders. I chose not to be
neutral or 'understand' addiction----I chose to hate it.

Chino

"The Four Agreements" is a short but insightful little book. One chapter is dedicated to learning that nothing is personal. My entire life did a 180° when I quit making everything about me, and quit allowing others to do the same.

interrupted

This was huge for me, and I too struggled with it for a very long time. It's still hard.

When someone steals from you, it's difficult not to take it personally. I try very hard to understand that the people who stole from me are suffering a great deal as well. Even so, at the time I responded in an extremely hurtful way. It was the turning point for me in realizing that I had to let go to save myself.

My qualifiers are all relatives, so I haven't experienced infidelity from an addict, but I think that would be near impossible for me not to take personally. I took it very personally when I was cheated on in the past, although that relationship was not with an addict. To me the behavior is the same regardless of drug use, addiction does not excuse bad behavior.

Twofish

Hi LGN, I finally chalked up the stealing, lying and betrayal from my ADs to the disease of addiction. They can say "sorry mom" all they want, it was their hunt for drugs (opiates) that fueled that. I let it go and forgave them, however, I will never forget what happened. I put all meds in a combo steel safe along with any valuables that are left. I hate Heroin and what it did to my family. I thank my HP for rehab and their desire to achieve sobriety! Keep posting and reading. Our SR family supports you! TF