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Need some advice folks

Old 07-17-2013, 08:10 AM
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Question Need some advice folks

Good morning everyone. I need a bit of advice, perspective and probably to vent. My addict wife was bailed out of jail last night by her mother against mine and the reset of the families advice. She dropped her off at home for me to deal with. I was at a lawyers office yesterday morning to file for divorce.

This is the third time in the past 3 years she has been using. I found so many drugs in the house i could not believe it over the past month. I'm not a user and never have been. I have a great job and have provided a good live for us over our 16 year marriage.

During her using times she is another person with no respect herself me or our relationship. So long story short she is begging/pleading with me not to move forward with the divorce and says she will do anything to fix it and her. I'm holding my ground but I am sympathetic to her problems (legal and drugs) and don't want to be a jerk about things.

I have a great relationship with my lord so I'm ok there. Just looking for y'all inputs as people who have lived this and are on the other side. Bottom line for me is I really don't believe she will change and even if she did I don't think she could keep it up. I'm 53 and am so fed up with the drama and disrespect and childish behavior of a 51 year old woman.

Thanks for your thoughts.
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Old 07-17-2013, 09:04 AM
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If she wanted to fix it...she would have done it the first time.

I firmly believe that they need to go off by themselves and fix it on their own.....

ask yourself.....how is THIS TIME any different?

No partner of mine is going to put us in financial risk....to do so...makes me a hostage.
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Old 07-17-2013, 10:24 AM
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Thanks YearforMe. Appreciate the perspective. I agree this time is no different other then I've taken a stand and she is desperate. But I totally get it's got to be her choice and her effort.

Again thanks for the feedback.
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Old 07-17-2013, 10:50 AM
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I am going thru the similar things with my 21 yo son (unfortunately I cannot divorce him). However I did kick him out for a few months and recently took him in as he is now agreeing to treatment. He know that he will get kicked out again if does not follow through or uses in the home again.

Please understand this is a disease. If she will accept treatment then you should try to make it available to her. You might want to start the divorce proceedings but tell her that if she takes action to correct herself and get into treatment, you will not follow through. Read up articles on enabling. There are some hard ass al-anon'ers on this site, who will be along shortly to provide their perspective. The advise is mostly true and honest (given their experiences) but you need to shape it to your situation. My aim is to get my son into treatment, not abandon him (not ready for that yet).
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Old 07-17-2013, 10:58 AM
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When I contacted an attorney it was the first step of acceptance that the marriage was over and had to be over for me to live sanely; to put up boundaries and restrictions. I twice backed out and paid dearly financially concerning the children. She (AexW) filed and followed through. Good for her.

I don't regret the past but I did for many years not following through with my initial decisions.
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Old 07-17-2013, 11:48 AM
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I think if recovery is what she REALLY wanted there would not have been a second or third time.

Trust your gut in that at this point in time you do not believe she is going to change.

Let face it, rehab is not the miracle it is only a tool, an opportunity, a chance to get clean. After that the really hard work is totally up to her.
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Old 07-17-2013, 11:57 AM
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Thanks everyone - really appreciate the inputs. Your all correct of course. As strong as I'd like to think I am it is so tough to watch the person you love do this to themselves. It's odd her family is so focused on me not following through with the divorce filing that they are not even discussing the real issue of her addiction and working to get her help. Very wrong priorities from my perspective.

Thanks again to all who have responded. I greatly appreciate your inputs and the time it took to post.
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Old 07-17-2013, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by pravchaw View Post
Please understand this is a disease. If she will accept treatment then you should try to make it available to her.
Treatment is already available to her whenever she decides she is ready to quit. The Salvation Army is free. She has to want this for herself, the opportunity to choose sobriety is always available, it's nobody's job to provide her with this opportunity because it exists now and has always existed.

Originally Posted by pravchaw View Post
You might want to start the divorce proceedings but tell her that if she takes action to correct herself and get into treatment, you will not follow through.
This is manipulation and in the end it will only create resentment. The decision to get clean needs to come from her genuine desire to recover, forcing her into treatment is unlikely to result in long term recovery.

She is an adult. She can make decisions for herself and should be afforded the respect and dignity to do so even when they're not the decisions that we like.

Just as it is her right to continue to use, it's your right to protect yourself through separation or divorce. If her mom wants to keep bailing her out of her consequences then perhaps she should be the one to live with her as an active addict.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but it sounds like you're handling it in a healthy way. I will not allow drugs or drug users in my house, either.
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Old 07-17-2013, 12:17 PM
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The family probably knows that if you divorce her they will have to do more then just bail her out and dump her on someone else.
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Old 07-17-2013, 12:22 PM
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To the last two posts. Yes I believe that the family is thinking that way. I've spent much time today trying to explain to them that the problem is her addiction not my being fed up with it and wanting the drama to end. Unfortunately no is is listening to me.

Awwww the things people do in the name of help and love.

Again thanks to everyone for responding. Your thoughts and insights are so welcome and appreciated.
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Old 07-17-2013, 04:27 PM
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You are right...this just didn't happen overnight....

In OUR recovery we don't dangle carrots anymore

our recovery is focused on ourselves

there is no more begging or pleading

We are listening to you....keep up the great work...time to move on.

interrupted is spot on
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Old 07-17-2013, 05:11 PM
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I can share from my own experience. My husband became addicted to prescription pain meds following an injury and a couple of surgeries. We had never had drugs in our lives and it was all new to me. After only a couple months of his behavior affecting our marriage and his outright refusal to stop using he moved out. I thought logically he would come to his senses soon, get bored, and come home. He was still working, making good money, and other than "us" he suffered no consequences. His use progressed to cocaine, Xanax, a long story, but at some point he decided he wanted to stop, his lease on his new townhouse was up, he moved in with a drug friend to try to quit. Obviously that didnt work. He went to my parents because he couldn't face me he says. They took him in and he tried to detox. He failed a couple times, and was living with my parents using. They had no idea what to do and still no one told me. He finally tried again and went into seizures from the Xanax. And now I entered the picture.

I had already done research on rehabs and treatment, and I gave him a short list of the ones I thought were best, he agreed to one & he went to a 90 day inpatient rehab that was focused more on the addiction medicine/ private therapy concepts. He had a lot of 1:1 therapy, used the medication naltrexone (vivitrol) for two months, about half way through -the rehab had us start marriage counseling, and at the beginning of his rehab they also assigned me a therapist. It was a lot of hard work on both our parts. My husband learned techniques from cognitive behavior therapy among other things to keep his addiction in check. He made many positive changes to his life including stress management, and coping skills. He is now almost 15 months clean. We continued marriage counseling for the first year, he stills works with a therapist a couple times a month. We have a little boy who is almost 2 now.

I believe when drugs reach the point of addiction they do become a disease because the mind and the body are affected. Often for many there are also past traumas that have never been dealt with that I feel make people more susceptible. I think medical treatment is imperative. If you were sick with any other disease or illness - you would go to the doctor. This is much like many other chronic illness, except it's symptoms include erratic, irresponsible and often dangerous behavior because the brain has been affected and reason goes out the window.

I don't regret pushing my husband into rehab. It was the best thing for him. I still couldn't care less if it was undignified, or embarrassing for him to have his wife saying that's what he needed, and this is what your going to try.

Having seizures at your in-laws home isnít dignified, hiding out at your in-laws ashamed to face your wife isnít dignified, working while high on drugs isnít dignified. NOW after treatment his dignity is back. He is a responsible, healthy adult who is once again pursuing his goals.

My husband may relapse in the future despite his best efforts. I think this is one thing that often people don't realize. If you have another illness, you don't get angry when one treatment doesn't work- you just try again. This is a complex problem, its not a simple choice & depending on the progression it may take lots of treatment to put it in remission.

I cannot tell you how to proceed with the relationship, but proper treatment suited to her unique needs could make a huge difference. So I say use whatever means you have to -in order to get her into treatment. Some may disagree but I believe we do hold a lot of influence over our loved ones. There is no shame in using it. The problem only comes in when/if we get to the point of sacrificing ourselves to save them. You will know it when/if you get to this point.

Many people never seek treatment, but out of those that do many are convinced to because of family members, employers, or even the legal system. Two myths that abound regarding addiction have been addressed by the National Institute of Drug Abuse: people do not have to bottom in order for treatment to be successful, and people do not have to enter treatment voluntarily for treatment to be successful. In the stickies at the top of this forum are a couple of threads with info from NIDA, and links to informative websites.

Good Luck to you. None of this is easyÖ
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Old 07-18-2013, 12:22 AM
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I am really curious where the NIDA gets there statistics and information.
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Old 07-18-2013, 12:30 AM
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I dunno. 7 years you've been riding the roller coaster...arrests, billy clubs, death threats, copious amounts of drugs stashed in your home, numerous rehab attempts. Way too much drama.

Knowing this drug as I do, I can't in good conscious encourage continuing to live like that. Though some of these new designer drugs scare me, meth and crack are the two that should strike fear in even the bravest of souls. Even the police have special protocols when dealing with tweakers...and for good reason. The sudden onset of violence is completely unpredictable.

I'm not saying divorce right now. But, I would suggest legal separation to protect your home and finances at this point. If she continues to drive loaded, you could lose everything if something bad were to happen.

Are you doing anything for you? What type of support system and safety nets do you have in place?
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Old 07-18-2013, 12:41 AM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
I am really curious where the NIDA gets there statistics and information.
I'll PM you, I have a 35 year insider knowledge with NIH, NIMH, and NIDA.
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Old 07-18-2013, 02:24 AM
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Goldwing, you have the right to be outraged by her mother's behaviour in bailing her out and then dropping her off for you to handle. Speaking from my own experience with my sister, her own family will be terrified of you divorcing, because that will put it all back on them.
It may seem harsh, but separating yourself from this madness and allowing your wife the dignity of making her own decisions, good or bad, will give you the best chance of building a normal life.
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Old 07-18-2013, 04:19 AM
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Goldwing, I have read many, many posts on the substance abuse section of SR and I would say 99.9% say they didn't not stop or even try UNTIL they were ready. Most had to reach some kind of bottom and become sick and tired of being sick and tired. Even then, it is often still very difficult.

You are not under any obligation to stay in your marriage or get her treatment. IMO, addiction is real game changer. It's her addiction and it's her problem. If love could save our addicted loved ones, none of would us be here.

However, we do have an obligation to ourselves and our life. When we begin to compromise our core values, we begin to lose ourselves.

Take care of you, be honest with yourself and do what is best for you.

P.S. I think most of us are intelligent enough understand relapses are very probable.
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Old 07-18-2013, 08:35 AM
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Thanks eveyrone. I greatly appreiate all who have posted and who have offered their experiences. It has been a great help and confort to know y'all are there.

After a bit of realization that she still is not doing what she should be (no supprise on my part) I've asked the following of her as I need time to mysefl to sort though my issues and decompress,

I asked that she move out today but no later then tomorrow morning. I told her I don't trust her and don't believe she will do anything to help herself and that I need space to just be.

I told her that the divorce paper work was filed yesterday and that if she did not agree to leaving on her own then I would take the next step legally to have her removed from the house.

I then told her that if she gets into rehab today and starts going to meetings and keeps doing that for 30 days to start I will not take the next step in the divorce. Yeah I know that is coercion but I'm willing to live with that for the time being.

I also told her that if she can't or won't leave or do rehap and meetings then the divorce proceeds and I would make sure she gets as little as is legally possible.

I'll tell you folks this has been a test of my faith, patients and abilit to compartmentlize my life.

Again thanks to eveyrone for taking time to respond and offer hope and insight. May God bless all of you.
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Old 07-18-2013, 08:56 AM
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Good luck.

You can get off the wild ride anytime you want, or continue the cycles.

Looks like you have 1 foot off.

Watch out for the other one though, the ride will start with or without you.

You'll have to jump back in the seat or jump clear...
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