madisonblake

So I got to work today and realized some of my focus is back. Not completely 100% myself but closer to having the focus I had a week ago. Amazing what one round of contact about money someone owed me literally spun me into feeling anxiety. I could barely eat or sleep because all I did was play back the last three years of my life with the Addict, and think of so many instances we were together that gave me “a-ha” moments. Me saying “I bet he lied about that too”, “I wonder what else there was that I didn’t know”, etc. It really messed up my head pretty bad. It’s really slowly starting to sink in at how terribly dysfunctional this relationship was and the damage that it’s done to me.

However, today, I’m trying to not look back anymore. I’m reminding myself to NOT beat myself up for one more second of my life for falling into this person’s lies and giving them a chance and trying to help them. I’m human. I showed kindness and empathy towards a person. I need to chalk it up to the fact that he got better than anything he ever deserved to get from me. I’m reminding myself that he probably will never get any better than what he got for three years. I’m reminding myself that no matter how much he tried to manipulate me into believing through his grandiose text messages of how great he is doing and how he’s soooooo looking forward to his future and not looking back, that deep down he is full of sh—t. I’m reminding myself that no happy person, no hopeful person, would ever have gotten to the point of addiction that he had. So as much as he tried to manipulate me into believing how “great” his life will be now that I’m not in it, I know what he’s been and what he’s been and it’s been a sad, depressed, angry human being with no control of his emotions and no ability to self soothe without the use of drugs. I really don’t care anymore if he was on drugs or off. He’s still an as—hole either way. Sorry for the words I’m using, but I let him get in my head for an entire week. No more.

There’s no doubt in my mind this person suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. No doubt. His mother is bipolar. He has family members that are bi polar. He has several family members that are now or have been addicted to drugs and been alcoholics. WTF was I thinking? But, oh I forgot………how “great” his future will be. Such grandiose manipulative B.S. to make me feel like I really lost something good. I didn’t fall for it but it did throw me into a horrible state of mind for the past week. Not for one more second. No way. No how.

Sorry for this rant. Just felt like writing it out. Drug addiction is bad enough. You throw in some mental illness and definite personality disorder, you have one hell of a ride.

EverHopeful721

So glad to hear you're feeling better, madison, and thank you for this post!! It's exactly what I needed to read and remind myself of today - YOU GO, GIRL!!

zoso77

Be careful, Madison. BPD is a character disorder, Bipolar a mood disorder, and there are distinct differences between the two. Just because his mother's Bipolar doesn't mean he's a Borderline, and under the right circumstances, anyone can have "Borderline" characteristics.

Glad to hear you're doing well.

ZoSo

madisonblake

I completely understand the difference in the two. I've done a ton of reading on both. Not saying that he is bpd becuase of his mom at all. I know genetics plays a huge part in bipolar and environment plays a huge part in bpd. I guess my point was that he was genetially already loaded for many of these issues he's facing today. I don't want to get into the details of his childhood or the reasons I think he's BPD but he's exhibited many many many times almost all of the traits of BPD, every single one. Could it be drugs? Maybe. I suppose. The thing is I feel better because I don't care to figure it all out anymore. Whether or not he is truly BPD or not or it was a result of drugs or not, it doesn't matter, he showed all the characteristics and in the end treated me poorly. That's all that matters. I should have typed that differently. I mean truly in the end, while trying to defend myself, I started to act more and more like him. ICK!

Thanks everyone.

madisonblake

-And I should say Zoso, he has gone through therapists like crazy. The one group wanted to put him on a mood stabilizer and he ran out of there faster than you can blink and never went back. When he heard something he didn't like, he would find a different therapist. His therapist before that thought he "could be borderline" is what he told me. He stopped going after that. I found all this out towards the end. And yes, you can be bipolar with BPD traits as well. Add addiction on top. What do you have?
A roller coaster ride.

LoveMeNow

Through all the pain, hurt and wreckage...I found something wonderful, Me.

I believe people and events come into our lives for a reason and to learn about ourselves, not them. I learned much of my help of others, gave me a sense of being needed and self worth. My "happiness" was depended on others. I allowed others to define who I was. I needed to be needed, it gave me a purpose. My ego was running the show. Helping others allowed a distraction from focusing on me. None of these things were done on a conscious level either. I simply was not aware of the reasons and the whys because I never took time to ask those questions or learn about me.

Madison, he is who is he is....addict, bipolar, BPD, or whatever. It's shouldn't be your concern any more. Finding YOU in the wreckage, is what really matters. Only you can answer the what and whys of what you were getting out of it and what you have learned about you. I hope you put the time focusing on you!

I suspect you knew he was the lucky one to have you. He was not in your league....and you wanted to help him reach his potential. Now ask why you sought out that kind of relationship.

As humans are motives are usually not as "pure" as we want to believe. IMO

zoso77

Yikes!

Yeah, going through therapists certainly suggests BPD.

Stand corrected, Madison.