I feel better today!
So I got to work today and realized some of my focus is back. Not completely 100% myself but closer to having the focus I had a week ago. Amazing what one round of contact about money someone owed me literally spun me into feeling anxiety. I could barely eat or sleep because all I did was play back the last three years of my life with the Addict, and think of so many instances we were together that gave me “a-ha” moments. Me saying “I bet he lied about that too”, “I wonder what else there was that I didn’t know”, etc. It really messed up my head pretty bad. It’s really slowly starting to sink in at how terribly dysfunctional this relationship was and the damage that it’s done to me.
However, today, I’m trying to not look back anymore. I’m reminding myself to NOT beat myself up for one more second of my life for falling into this person’s lies and giving them a chance and trying to help them. I’m human. I showed kindness and empathy towards a person. I need to chalk it up to the fact that he got better than anything he ever deserved to get from me. I’m reminding myself that he probably will never get any better than what he got for three years. I’m reminding myself that no matter how much he tried to manipulate me into believing through his grandiose text messages of how great he is doing and how he’s soooooo looking forward to his future and not looking back, that deep down he is full of sh—t. I’m reminding myself that no happy person, no hopeful person, would ever have gotten to the point of addiction that he had. So as much as he tried to manipulate me into believing how “great” his life will be now that I’m not in it, I know what he’s been and what he’s been and it’s been a sad, depressed, angry human being with no control of his emotions and no ability to self soothe without the use of drugs. I really don’t care anymore if he was on drugs or off. He’s still an as—hole either way. Sorry for the words I’m using, but I let him get in my head for an entire week. No more.
There’s no doubt in my mind this person suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. No doubt. His mother is bipolar. He has family members that are bi polar. He has several family members that are now or have been addicted to drugs and been alcoholics. WTF was I thinking? But, oh I forgot………how “great” his future will be. Such grandiose manipulative B.S. to make me feel like I really lost something good. I didn’t fall for it but it did throw me into a horrible state of mind for the past week. Not for one more second. No way. No how.
Sorry for this rant. Just felt like writing it out. Drug addiction is bad enough. You throw in some mental illness and definite personality disorder, you have one hell of a ride.