Originally Posted by Jodie77

When I first came to this site (a mere week ago) I was feeling people understood me and were offering encouraging words and insight. Today went all to hell with some of these responses and I sat there reading them just feeling worse about my situation.

Originally Posted by Jodie77

Daisydoc,

While I appreciate your advice I think you are sorely mistaken or perhaps in a little bit of denial. I am 35 years old; my fiancé is a 40 year old man with 3 children. We are not two high school students who are in need of more time to figure ourselves out since we lack life experience. We are both divorced and he proposed to me in December. It's very irresponsible and crazy to call this a "timing" issue as we have been together for nearly 4 years, I've helped raise his children, we lived together and we are both (he is currently) approaching mid-life. I assure you, this isn't a timing issue.

I don't mean to infer but I presume you are very young re some of the things you've said. You also are very new into your relationship with your addicted bf and it is very, very naive (even dangerous) to believe he has never lied to you. Addiction is chronic, progressive and fatal. The "progressive" part means that it will only gets worse. You are still in the honeymoon stages of your relationship. Invest several more years and see if you don't notice lies and manipulation the further he progresses into his disease. Your abf isn't the exception here although you believe otherwise.

I have been codependent, yes. My grandfather, grandmother, brother (who died), younger brother who is active, aunt, ex husband, fiance and good friend were/all addicts. With that being said it would be pretty unprobable that I wouldn't demonstrate traits of codependence. In addition, I work in the medical field, am very successful, independent
and have a lot of life experience under my belt.

My relationship failed because he's in active addiction. Period. He is a very sick man who has an aversion to getting help as his pride is very strong. He's Narcissistic and has an elitist mentality--2 very strong character defects. Add addiction to that and you have a recipe for disaster and unattainable intimacy. I really don't need others giving me "advice" that is presumptuous and silly. I do thank you for trying to reach out and offer words of wisdom but they don't make much sense with all due respect.

I do hope that for your sake and his your bf gets into treatment. If you think you can ride this thing out for years to come with his being completely "honest" you are sorely mistaken and have a lot to learn.

Originally Posted by blackandblue

Originally Posted by dasiydoc
Our relationship has been good despite his drug use

Key word- despite (so his drugging does adversely impact your relationship)

No your trying to twist that. He used drugs. Our relationship was good. I was aware he used drugs because he told me before we entered into the relationship. Never knew anyone who used illegal drugs before, but his drug use did not affect me, was invisible to me actually. So I kept out of it and figured he would get tired of it one day and quit


Originally Posted by dasiydoc
My boyfriend never stole from me, cheated on me, or lied to me about anything other than drug use that I can look back and see.

That you know of yet

Well true. But that goes for any relationship. You don’t know what you don’t know. Nothing ever turned up missing, he always had money because he worked, and never asked for any. No red flags on cheating, not out partying or living that life. And no, nothing has come up in a years+ time that points to him having a issue with truth telling. The only lies Ive ever discovered have had to do with drugs

Originally Posted by dasiydoc
what would your ex say about you and your codependent behavior, and how it affected things?


This questions is odd. Hmm, I wonder what my AXBF thought when I tried countless times to encourage him to seek recovery, the countless times I forgave him. The countless times I believed his BS. If he ever found recovery- he would probably say thank you for letting me go so I could finally hit bottom and not thank you for staying and enabling me and contributing to my addiction. What would your boyfriend say about your codependent behavior?


Well here is the thing. I never tried to stop him from using. Since it was invisible to me, and didn’t affect me, I accepted him for who he was addiction and all. Yes, Obviously he knew I did not use drugs, and didn’t approve, was worried for his health and the illegal part of it. But I let it go at that. It was his choice. He is a smart guy and knew what he was doing. I was a bit naïve, because I felt like he would get tired of it and decide to stop eventually – all on his own. I never really had to forgive him for bad behavior because he didn’t produce any. He never BS me on things. He was at a place in his addiction where it had not got that far out of control. Ive been accused of enabling my BF before just because I accepted him as he was. But to me, if a person can keep it all together, and they are keeping up their end of the relationship, then your not enabling them. Some people make a choice to say they wont have an active drug user in their life. But to me, that is a choice for their benefit, and has nothing to do with enabling the other persons drug use.

Originally Posted by dasiydoc
I think there is evidence that lying goes along with addiction. But it happens because to an addict drugs become part of their survival mechanism.


There is evidence that most addicts lie to protect their addiction and themselves. It's not a thinking matter. It's a matter of fact. So because they lie to survive in your opinion, that makes the lying okay?


I never said the lying about drugs was ok. I said it is not something to take personally if you understand addiction and how the mind works. It doesn’t mean you should tolerate bad behavior or lies if they affect you.



Originally Posted by dasiydoc
What I think is other lies outside of addiction issues, are more closely attached to a persons character.


So you believe addicts are allowed to lie and it does not reflect on them as a person. Where as non-addicts lies are character defects. Please don't spread that message on this forum.

No, you are misinterpreting what I said & running wild with that assumption. Addicts lie about their drug use, to protect it. We agree on this. What I am saying is if an ADDICT lies about other things not related to drug use then this speaks more to a flaw in their character. (same as it would a non-user IMO).

All due respect you are in a new relationship and are not out of the woods, so to speak. But maybe, you are the one exception. Take care.

I feel like my relationship is solid. It has been tested more by his efforts at treatment than when he was actively using. Early stages of recovery are always questionable. That is why I have hung around here to read and learn from those people who I relate to, in hopes they can help me make good choices as this goes along. Take care B&B.

Originally Posted by dasiydoc

Addicts are at different stages in addiction, and due to this there are different behaviors presented & observed. I agree, it is a progressive disease. What I said was true of my own situation, and how I view the relationship I have with my boyfriend. I was trying to explain he is possibly at an earlier stage than your BF. If it helps you to minimize our relationship because it is only going on for a little over a year, then go ahead. Your boyfriend ended your relationship. He didn’t want to get married, and he didn’t want to continue whatever you had going on for 4 whole years. It doesnt matter if it was related to addiction, it is still where he is at in his life at this moment. That is what I meant by a timing issue.

If his behavior was so bad, and he was lying about everything, and treating you with lack of respect, then it is good he ended it IMO. He had the strength to do what you should have done for yourself, and couldn’t for whatever reason. He sent you what I thought was a considerate explanation taking all the blame and what looked like his attempt to be kind and give you closure. I hope that you find it at some point.

Originally Posted by dasiydoc

Originally Posted by tjp613

Or you could do like we do around here when things get really rough and have a big ol' honkin' slab of cheesecake!!

Originally Posted by Jodie77

When I first came to this site (a mere week ago) I was feeling people understood me and were offering encouraging words and insight. Today went all to hell with some of these responses and I sat there reading them just feeling worse about my situation.

Originally Posted by Jodie77

Thank you Lily and LoveMeNow. I need prayers more than anything. I'm really grieving. Have a good night

Originally Posted by Lily1918

No. I commented about beating a dead horse because I assumed that you would hijack the thread and make it all about you once you saw what BB said.

Truth hurts dasiy. Deal with it. Stop being a crybaby and put on your big girl panties. You dont need to justify to us, you need to justify to yourself or you wouldnt have started quacking and would have left well enough alone.

Where is ann when you need her?

I have tried to be patient time and again. Im sorry, I failed.

It is not ok for you to be so disrespectful to others instead of looking in the damn mirror.

Ugh.... whatever I dont even care anymore. Im going to a meeting and puting you on ignore.

(Sorry jodie hugs once again)

"Accept the things I cannot change" thanks LMN