Lara

Hi Jodie I have been following all your posts - and very sorry for the pain you are going through and the confusion and all the stuff! I will reply a little later, sharing some of my experiences... but just a quick comment to this thread....
Why do addicts DO what they do? Especially in regards to being unable to have a healthy relationship....
An 'addict' is somebody who volunteers to absorb toxic substance - often at the risk of death - to 'escape' reality for one reason or another. We could be here all day listing the reasons. Often identicle reasons for people being classified as 'codependent'. Reasons often stemming from childhood traumas..
Some people say 'well I too have had a traumatic childhood' but haven't resorted to snorting cocaine or drinking myself into oblivion' - well then I say 'thereby the grace of God go I'. So I don't believe there is any point to discussing the reasons why some of us resort to substance abuse and others appear 'stronger' and just battle on.
But back to the original question... IF you are in a 'relationship' / 'in love' with an addict - you need to understand that you are not 'in love' with a normal, healthy human being. An addict is rewired. And dear God (been there with my Dad and H) - that most are highly intelligent, charming people - who TRULY are aware of that there life is a miserable hell. But the pull to escape - to seek oblivion overides EVERYTHING! Willingly absorbing a toxic substance not only kills the body - but kills the mind and destroys the soul. The addict starts a viscious circle, and begins to loathe themselves. So often addicts are painted as all being just simply cruel, manipulative '****'! But I know, that the two men who I have loved so deeply, both being addicts (my dad and H) - in those dark hours were/ are completely aware of the pain and the destruction - and it is NOT their intention to hurt 'us', But the addiction, the need for oblivion, runs a course of absolute destruction in the literal brain structure of the addict. So normal healthy feelings are numbed. Self loathing sets in. And I believe most addicts hate themselves, and are deeply vulnerable. The tragegy is so few are ultimately able to quit. The chemicals win. And all this 'stuff' and abuse leaves very little room for spirituality. For God. For Christ. So they addicts start to lose grip on everything. And they stop asking for help for they feel such shame - and they don't know where to begin.
Basically, and addict has NO relationship with themselves. For to have a relationship with yourself, you need to love yourself - and trust that you are a child of God - and that you are on this earth to enjoy your life. And to be loved. And to love. But an addict has NO love for themselves. So how possible, I implore, can they possibly have a relationship with YOU. With me? Just not possible.

blackandblue

Hmm, interesting accusation crystalbuterfly that I derailed the thread. Is that so? I feel disrespected by the comments you made about this forum. I have been following Jodie's posts and offering my own personal ESH as part of a collective group that does not always hold the same views. Call it whatever you want but when DaisyDoc declared that drug addiction has not caused any harm in her life, it minimized Jodie's experience. So yep, I called her on it and I'm not the first to do it. If DaisyDoc has had no ill effects from drug addiction, then why is she on this forum. But if you read her posts, you will see that is not true. Denial is powerful and I know from personal experience. But when she started to develop her own psychology theory I had to say something and believe me, I am the one who usually stays quiet. It's not a matter of who is right or wrong. It's a matter of deterring someone from recovery. it seems like you don't like this forum so maybe best to not post or read posts. Please don't come here for entertainment- this is not a joke. People's lives have been destroyed over addiction.

Morning Glory

Please direct your posts to Jodie so the thread doesn't have to be closed.

LoveMeNow

Crystal, I am sorry you are so angry and still so bitter. Perhaps, it's time to stop obsessing about your boyfriend and start addressing your own issues. Are you in any kind of therapy? You matter too!!

LoveMeNow

Oops, sorry Morning Glory! I must have been posting at the same time!

Vale

You matter,Jodie.
Do not ever forget that.

allforcnm

I dont think there is a single answer to this Jodie. My husband was a highly functioning addict. He held down a responsible job and I know that he had to be on point or it would have been detected and over. Our relationship suffered almost immediately with his use because he wanted to hang out with his friends till all hours (friends from work). Drugs became a priority and to my husband it was all new and fun. He didnt plan on getting addicted, had no background. I didnt really try to stay in a relationship with him at this point, because he didnt want to stop what he was doing and it wasnt acceptable to me. Could he have maintained an intimate relationship on an emotional level ? Probably if he had been the type to use at home alone, and not out partying. Or if I had been the type to not care he went out partying. While we were seperated and he was actively using, he managed to get his own place, and still he always contributed his half of our home expenses. He was really out having what he felt was a rebellious, fun time. Until he became addicted and realized it wasnt fun. Then thankfully he got help.

Not everyone that lives with an addict is in denial. Some people remain in relationships for years, and their spouse doesnt even know they use. Someone I know had this situation. It went on for over 6 years behind her back, and she had no suspicions, and her life was good, her relationship she says was good. Her husband finally admitted his problem due to some other medical issues, and he went into rehab. She stood by him, and he is now clean. They are still together.

I dont think we can judge other people, or their loved ones. Or compare one persons experience to another. Everyone is different.

Ann

Ann is right here, and in spite of working long hours as an accountant in tax season and having a lot of stuff going on in her personal life away from here, Ann is here every day but cannot look at every post by every member on every thread. We have over 100,000 members and over 3 million posts and 200,000 threads. We have about 10 mods to cover this...volunteers who give up their time to try to pay back all that was so freely given to them by those who went before us.

If you want Ann to look at any post or situation, all you have to do is hit the "report post" button to the left of where you post. Someone finally did that and here I am.

Repeatedly I have asked you all to post with respect or refrain from posting at all. And I have asked you to report disrespectful posts rather than engage in debate and bashing each other around like children in a schoolyard. Does anyone listen to what Ann says?

Ann is going to close this thread. Jodie, my sincere apologies for allowing this to get out of hand and I hope you know that most posters here are caring and supportive of you and your pain. I know I am.

I am not going to review 4 pages of posts for the second time and remove disrespectful posts, it's not even 6 am and quite frankly I would like some quiet time before I head into work this morning. Some of you will be receiving further notes from me. That's the best I can do at this time.

Reminder...if anyone sees a disrespectful post please report it. Being disrespectful to other members is against the rules and can get you tossed out of here.

Now please let's go welcome the newcomer with warmth and respect, lest we scare them right out of here.

Thank you all for understanding.

Ann (whoever and wherever she is)