Vale

(and you're not a sucker----you are a human being.)

EverHopeful721

I'd like to believe that at least at some point in the 16 months we were seeing each other, that he had REAL feelings for me, at least as real as they can get for someone who's been abusing weed, alcohol and cocaine for 25 years.... Funny thing is, I told him that night last April that he didn't break my heart, he just hurt it a little. Then fast forward almost a year later, and he suddenly has NO problem whatsoever REALLY and TRULY breaking my heart - breaking it, ripping out the pieces and stomping on them by so coldly and cruelly ending it without any reason or explanation. It's like he is a totally different person. So again, I have to wonder, is it the progression of his addiction? Has it gotten so bad that he doesn't think twice about doing something he promised he'd never do? Or is that who he was all along, and even if you took the drugs away, he'd still be that person, capable of hurting someone who only ever wanted to love him and see him happy? Who knows?? But that's the point, I guess - that we'll NEVER know if they're lying or telling the truth, if it's the drugs or just who they are. We'll never get the closure we're looking for and the only thing we can do is accept it and move forward with our lives and concentrate on putting ourselves first for probably the first time EVER. It's so difficult to do, but it gets a little easier with every day that passes. Hang in there - you're doing great!!

Jodie77

I always wonder the same things...was it the drugs talking or did he just fall out of love with me and move on to the next best thing? I'm still on a yo yo and have absolutely no closure. You mention how he ripped your heart out--God knows I understand. I've had my heart processed through a meat grinder and my actual soul spit out of his mouth. It's incapacitating pain. You give me hope. All of you do. We are not alone. God bless xx

zoso77

Jodie,

You may not realize this, but somewhere on this world, the same act is playing itself out. And when I say this, it's not meant to marginalize or minimize your pain or your suffering. But when you say "I can't believe he discarded me", I can believe it. And the reason why I can believe is the same damn thing happened to ME!!!

When I look back at my relationship with my AXGF these days, I cringe. I was so in denial about how sick she really was and how far I was in over my head. And it didn't matter what I did or tried to do for her (which was a lot), she still ended up cheating on me multiple times and finally left me for some guy in The Fellowship. And in the middle of my suffering, what I had been denying to myself suddenly became very clear and very comfortable to accept. She was truly, truly ill and her behavior was not about me. It was about her. And that's because what addicts do is do whatever is necessary to satiate their needs at any and all costs. The fact that "I was there for her" or "I loved her" simply didn't matter at the end of the day. Not to date myself too much, but Janet Jackson had a song back in the day called "What Have You Done For Me Lately". What I did for my AXGF yesterday was long gone. What did I do for her today?!?

So, yeah, I cringe. But I can also have a good laugh, too. Because when she left, when she did what she did, there was no mystery about her anymore. She was as transparent as air itself. And once I allowed myself to know what I knew, I was done with her, and I said to myself, the new guy has NO idea what he's in for.

When new members of the board tell stories like yours, I empathize with their pain, their betrayal, their confusion. But I'm very seldom surprised. Because addicts do what addicts do, and they have long before I was born and will long after I die. It is what it is. So ultimately the question is, What is Jodie going to do? And when I was where you were, I believed I had two choices: either roll over and die or reclaim my life. I chose the latter, found this wonderful place, read stuff like "What Addicts Do", and learned that I wasn't alone. And hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, I've reclaimed my life on my terms. Hell, in 26 days, I've got my MS in Electrical and Computer Engineering in the bag, and if my AXGF was still around, that would not have happened. So, I've reclaimed my life.

And you can too, Jodie. Honest to God, you can. But you have to give your fiance over to God or whatever Higher Power you subscribe to and work on you. You can't help him. And it will hurt too much to hold onto him. Put your faith in God, and put your faith in those of us here that have been where you are and have come out wiser, stronger, and better for the experience.

Happy Easter. Go get 'em, Jodie.

ZoSo

Jodie77

ZoSo,

How inspirational! Coming here has really snapped me back to reality and also in one sense has taken the entire focus off myself (poor pitiful me) because I see that so many of you have experienced what I'm going through currently and have had the same misfortunes fall upon them due to their addict. The chaos, the yo-yo, the games, the empty promises, the quacking, the mind bending behavior, the abuse, the lies & manipulation and ultimately the demise of their "relationship."

It's hell no doubt. In some ways it's worse than death (and I've lost my brother and best friend). I say that because death is final. However, when you lose an addict and they're still alive out in the world you're left wondering who, why, where, what, etc. It's mental torture. It's emotionally excruciating. I know though from your story as well as others that in time I will have clarity. I may never get closure but I will be able to eventually look at my situation objectively and not as some unique experience. Right now I'm in that deep, dark tunnel of abandonment. I'm in the fetal position emotionally and I feel like my life blood has been ripped from me. Like so many others have said, I've lost my drug. HE was my drug. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm a raging codependent.

My hopes are that after I've grieved this thing out I will pick up old hobbies, head back to the gym, continue in Alanon and coming to SR. You all have been so gracious and I owe the beginning steps of my recovery to you! I know I'm worth it (I didn't think that one week ago).

Cc77

Hi Jodie I am kind of on the other end of the spectrum. I am an alcoholic who has been sober for 30 days. I was with my boyfriend for 10 months. I drank for the last two months and he kicked me out. I went to rehab and here I am. Alone. The thing is that while I don't think he is an alcoholic, he drinks everyday. He said he doesn't want to be responsible for me to have a 'slip'. I also feel abandoned! I thought I was going to marry him! I quit and he won't give me a chance!! It is harder for me to give him up than alcohol. I was clean for three years before I met him! I'm angry, hurt!!!!! And I think I am addicted to him as well! He is all I can think about. The life we will never have because I screwed up and drank!! I don't get another chance! I guess I shouldn't! I just want you to know that you are not alone here!! I know it's different since I am the alcoholic and you are not but I am still a girl with a broken heart and broken dreams.. This crap hurts. I have an overwhelming desire to text him all the time! I'm trying to let my God take the wheel!! Trying hard! Just know that you are not alone!

Jodie77

Cc,

Thanks for your courage and for your candid post. I understand the feelings of abandonment and it really doesn't matter if you're an addict or not--because rejection and abandonment hurt! It cuts deep. Deep to the core. I'm sorry you are experiencing this on top of your other struggles. I can imagine it just exacerbates things.

I wish you all the best with your sobriety and believe that God can work in your life in miraculous ways (I've witnessed it with my Aaunt). Thank you for sharing and try to enjoy your Easter.

Big hugs xx

Vale

>>>>>
Jodie77 wrote:

"I know I'm worth it".

>>>>>>>>>>

(you're damned right your are,Jodie-----and your SR friends have
been waiting all week to see you write those words)

......now..........don't ever forget them.

Jodie77

Well he texted me yesterday. It was a generic, impersonal text that just said "Happy Easter to you and your family!!!" and it had those stupid emoticons with a bunny and flowers. So lame. I didn't respond.

tjp613

Jodie, In such a short time you have made very real progress. And from where I sit I can see that you are already beginning to heal. You said it above...it's a "tunnel" and the only way to get to the other side is through that tunnel. One foot in front of the other...and one day at a time (or one hour at a time if needed).

(((Big Hugs)))

Jodie77

tjp,

Thanks. I think I'm getting there. I had a total meltdown Saturday during the day...had to pull over on side of road and I just cried and cried and cried for over an hour. I hope that's normal. Sunday I felt much better and I was strong enough NOT to respond to his text. Yes I'm in that tunnel but I'm slowly making my way through...I think. Thank you xx

LoveMeNow

Jerect has the best advice to get over the insanity. Block and walk.

tjp613

Jodie, did you say earlier that you are on anti-depressants? (or maybe I'm confusing you with another poster?) If so, maybe a visit to your doctor is in order for a medication adjustment?

Jodie77

I don't take antidepressants but isn't this crying the normal part of grieving or am I not handling this right? It's only been a month.

laurie6781

You are handling this perfectly. Yes CRYING is a big part. I have come to look at 'crying' as a way for me to 'wash my heart'. So you are 'washing the toxicity' out of your heart. Cry away!

I can only tell you that I was devastated in October of '10 when I again walked away from my 'first love' again. For the same reasons (that I had conveniently forgotten) as I did the frst time. He was and is a raging practicing alcoholic. Oh I was strong, when I told him what I had to say, at the airport before I boarded my flight to come home. I didn't shed a tear on my trip home. Didn't shed a tear on the 'shuttle' ride from the airport here.

However, once I got my suitcases in my door, locked the front door, I collapsed on the floor, hugged my fur kids, and bawled like a baby. Then every time his number would appear on the caller ID I would bawl some more. This went on for almost 3 months and I put so much stress on myself, that in Early January of 2011 I ended up in the hospital, as the stress had really sent my diabetes into overdrive. 5 days later I came home, and you know what? I haven't had to, or wanted to, or needed to shed a tear since!

You can, you will, and you are getting through this!!!!! We are definitely here for you!!!

Love and hugs,

pattyG

Jodie,
The crying part is completely normal! The best thing you can do is feel it and go thru it. I have been following your story and am so sorry for your pain. All the advice is spot on. I am 70 days away from my XAGF. She decided to take me to court behind my back to get joint custody of my kids. Yet, I stole them from her. I have tried no contact repeatedly, yet fail. The good news is it is getting easier! Someone told me that around 6 weeks it gets better. I saw a post from a friend of hers on Sat with a girl that she spent the night with when i was pregnant with my youngest. She always (and still does) insist nothing ever happened between them. My gut says otherwise. I was so hurt. I downloaded the photo of them to my phone so the next time I miss her i can look at it. Then I blocked all her friends and family on facebook. She and my sitter of 3+ years were in cohoots together, the sitter was passing info constantly to my ex about me and the kids. So, last week I had to fire her. CHANGE! holy it is hard. Getting all the toxic people out of my life. If your brother insists on keeping contact with your ex, you may need to stay away for a bit. I know I couldn't resist the temptation to ask the sitter how my ex was, if she asked about me, etc. Now that avenue is gone. I can say, that when i saw that pic sat, i called her phone (from another number) crying, how could she do this to me, put it in my face??? First i got the lies of its not like that, then I got torn down (what do you care? you stole the kids from me? Blah Blah) then I listened to her drunken rant. You know what? I realized I didn't miss it. She told me she was over me, that she had no feelings left for me but hate. It was good for me to hear that because I get wrapped into my fantasy world that makes her and the relationship what it never was. And this is from someone costing me $350/hr lawyer fees to keep what is legally mine! I noticed in your first post that he mentioned he owes you money. Don't let him off on that!

Katiekate

Addicts abandon everyone, and when you go back, they do it again.

It's a given, what they care about is not people, happiness, joy, love, pain, or even success. They care about drugs, and only drugs.

Honey, cry it out, get into some kind of counseling or alanon, begin your journey of healing, leave the addcit behind, if you go back, it will be year after year of the same.

EverHopeful721

Thank you for this post, Katiekate - great advice to remember and just what I needed to hear today!!

Jodie77

Laurie, Patty, Katiekate,

I want to respond to each of you individually.

Laurie,

I totally know what you mean when you say you held your fur babies and bawled like a baby. I have been doing the same. It's a cry that's so deep and raw I feel like I'm in hell. The pain is incapacitating at times. I know that I'm grieving while he's drugging. So while I'm in the rawest form of healing and putting this behind me, he's out partying it up numb and in denial. He's definitely not grieving. That way when he comes back it will be so much easier to slam the door on his face because he will be dead to me. I'm literally mourning him. I too had my health affected and wound up in the ER twice so far. Once for a panic attack (I thought I was having a stroke) and another tine because I thought my BP was high. This has taken such a toll on me and I hate him for allowing all of this destruction. My face has aged too. Bags, lines, circles. It's awful.

Patty,

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It's a living nightmare and the way we are treated is unjust. I understand your pain and thank you for your support. I think you're right...the 6 week marker will be arriving shortly and I'm feeling a little relieved. Some days I feel like I take 3 steps back and just cry hysterically (shattered dreams, failed engagement, losing his kids I loved, hopes crushed, time invested wasted, intimacy destroyed, the loss of a lover and best friend) it's just excruciating. I went through a divorce with my AXH and you'd think I'd learn by now. Thank you for your insight...I don't feel so alone.

Katiekate,

Awesome advice!!! Wow. So true. You hit the nail on the head and I will reread your statement every day to remind myself. Thank you all.

Xx

Vale

Wow,Katiekate!
..........................your statement:

"It's a given, what they care about is not people, happiness,
joy, love, pain, or even success. They care about drugs, and only drugs."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sad truth is we could get get RID of SR,construct your statement
out of 65 foot high letters hewn from slabs of granite(visible for miles)
....and be done with it!

(now if we could just preceed your words with an 'Olde Tyme' lead in
like 'we hold these truths to be self evident'......and we could have one
HELL of an 'addiction declaration of independence!)

Mine was a yellow hat with a 'don't tread on me' snake on it.I vowed
that when I put it on (atop the Bunker Hill monument)....that I would
NEVER allow ANYONE to treat me like that EVER again.

And I never did.

Go find a hat,Jodie.It's useful for alot of things---wiping away tears is
one.