blackandblue

Jodie- It is heartbreaking. Addiction is selfish. And right now the drugs run his life and especially his choices. Everything else is second at best. The email is selfish in my opinion. I have received hundreds of emails in the same vain from my AXBF. The real him is trapped behind a veil of drug induced delusion and no words he says can be trusted. He is incapable of providing what you need. It's not about him as a person. It's about the addiction and he must be accountable for his actions.

I used to think my AXBF abandoned me when he was getting high but he was never there to begin with. He was an active addict from the start. He was not using heroin, his DOC, when we met but he was using marijuana and alcohol regularly. And eventually he went right back to his DOC. He talked a big talk about recovery and that he could do it on his own. He knows differently now and he knows I will not enable him any longer.

Maybe it would feel better if it was your choice to walk away or maybe not but I have had it both ways and it hurts regardless. You see the handsome charming man underneath the addict. I felt the same about my AXBF. He is a very handsome and charming man, but it doesn't last long. I know in my heart that he is not capable of intimacy and it saddens me for his sake. I was terrified that he would find someone else and that the drugs were just an excuse for him to leave me. This is not true. It is part of the fear, obligation, and guilt of living with an addict.

You can read my story. It is very similar. He broke up with me time and time again. Eventually the pain was greater than my fear of change. I woke up and the fog lifted. I have time, distance, and space between us now. And I must say, I am so grateful that I did not marry him or have his children. My life is my own again and each day holds a new opportunity for learning and growth. I still have hard days but it is nothing compared to the torment I experienced with him. I still pray he can find recovery for his own sake but as for me, it is not my burden to carry.

It may be easier for you right now to just put a certain amount of time dedicated to no contact. That's what I did. I said 1 week and then it felt so right that I opted for another week. Then we had a couples counseling session appointment after 3 weeks of separation and then I canceled it because I genuinely wanted my space. I said this is not a couples issue. You have your issues and I have mine and I want to work on that separately. I then told him that we could not meet or talk unless he had completed a treatment program and had Step 9 under his belt. And now he is certain about that.

He stopped trying to contact me because I held my boundary because I was ready to enforce it. I feel very empowered that I have taken my life back. I don't anticipate seeing or talking to my AXBF again. I believe I need at least 2 years of no contact. At some point, it may just mean no contact ever again. It has taken a while for my heart to catch up with my gut and my brain. But I was right where you were.

What helped me the most in no particular order:

1. Al-anon meetings
2. Al-anon sponsor
3. Weekly therapy and EMDR
4. SR
5. Reading up on addiction
6. Journaling
7. Friends and Family
8. Taking care of myself, esp my health
9. Yoga and meditation
10. Music and other forms of creative outlets
11. Starting something new
12. Diving into my career, passions, and such
13. Traveling
14. Volunteering
15. Prayer
16. Working the 12 steps
17. Getting outside as much as possible
18. A lot of hot baths
19. Getting organized
20. Taking mental health days as needed
21. And committing to not dating anyone until after I have worked the program for one year and completed the 12 steps and that includes not going back to my AXBF

Be patient with yourself. The answers will come. There are other handsome, intelligent, and charming men out there who are not addicts. Personally, I feel I dodged a bullet that was headed straight for my heart. I hope you see that you will feel the same some day. And there is part of the story you will never know or understand. I stopped wanting to know or understand. You deserve better. Blessings!

Jodie77

blackandblue,

Amazing post and will respond when I get home. Just leaving al-anon....give me an hour

Jodie77

blackandblue,

I actually found SR because of you believe it or not. That's why I'm here. I googled "my addicted fiancé dumped me" and for whatever reason your post was the first to show up under my google search so I clicked on it and here I am. So I did read your story. It was the first one I read. I too feel as if our stories are very similar.

You made some interesting points in your above post. One being that you never really had him to begin with because he was always in active addiction. I can relate to this. I asked my best friend (who ironically is an addictions counselor) why he broke things off. The first thing she said is "that's what addicts do." Secondly she said, "I hate to tell you this Jod, but there was nothing to actually break off because you never really had anything with him to begin with."

I too am going no contact. I've received so many of his quacking texts and emails; he has manipulated me beyond belief. Time and time again he has broken up with me only to come back shortly with a sob story and apologizing and professing his undying love for me. Every time I took him back. This is the longest and most painful stint we've had. I do believe he wants it to be over. I don't understand why. I have to live with no closure and I'm working on me for once. I put all of my time, energy, love, effort and mind into his needs and wants and concerns and so on. He went to the Superbowl this year and stayed for 5 days drinking and drugging on Bourbon Street and wanted no parts of me while there. Conveniently said his phone died. We were newly engaged yet he didn't want to take me along. He had his entire Greek family in his corner all thinking I was a "kook"--his words. I'm from Baltimore and we won the Superbowl this year but instead of enjoying it with my friends and family I stayed in bed crying obsessing over him in New Orleans.

He goes from saying I'm the prettiest girl he's ever seen to I'm a dirtball, dirty, lazy, boring, washed-up has-been. Then later says "you know I don't mean those things." He calls my brother a loser yet goes out partying with him. My axfiance is wealthy and successful and has a chip on his shoulder and is very entitled and grandiose. I see Narcissistic traits in him JUST like his father. He proposed to me in his father's Manhattan penthouse then treated me like crap the entire weekend saying I'm a "materialistic b*tch" then he started crying and said he hates his father and that's why he's treating me poorly. He was so abusive during our engagement weekend; it was shocking and devastating.

He said he was bipolar (which I definitely see) but he won't take meds for it so he takes any drugs he can get his hands on. I'm amazed that he continues to get up at 5 AM every morning and work 12 hour days and never misses a date with his children. He so loving with them. That's why I'm baffled. How does he run a company if he's a true drug addict? He's also a very responsible father. So I'M the one who gets sh*t on. He uses ME as his emotional punching bag. Ignores, neglects, minimizes, blames, stonewalls.

I'm still mourning but I'm slowly getting over him. Alanon was good for me tonight. I'm going no contact with him and hopefully one day I'll be back to myself. Right now I'm in that pit of crying, second guessing, questioning, shameful, abandoned and depressed state. This grief cycle has really taken a toll but I'm arming myself with knowledge about his disease so I won't make the same mistake twice.

I loved your bullet points and will do most of the things you suggested. Thank you for your care and support. It means so much.

xx

deeker

He may want to quit but he doesn't have a plan. He knows that he is hurting you but as an addict myself, he really has no idea what to do about his problem. Being around you (our loved ones)and not being able to quit really does tear away at us addicts but then the pull of the drugs is much stronger. It's less painful to be doing it away from our loved ones and makes us feel less guilty. He sounds like he believes he is trying to do you a favor by going his own way but it is really just another selfish act of an addict to keep doing what he's doing. Let him go and hopefully he will hit that bottom when he realizes he lost the best thing in his life. You!

Jodie77

Deeker,

Thank you. Words of wisdom right there. I'll be long gone by the time he comes back this time though....he's tortured me long enough. And yes he is insanely selfish. Thank you for explaining what his probable intentions are as you have a good insight into the mind of an addict. xx

blackandblue

Hi Jodie- I am reposting this article below and I can't remember who posted it on here. It was so helpful for me in understanding why traumatic relationships are so hard to let go of, let alone any relationship. I have dated a few men who had these same issues and I no longer try to analyze or understand why they are so messed up. Now I am just owning my life and my actions that brought me to this place. They have all come along in my life for a reason- to point me to my recovery. I can only pray that my AXBF finds the same. Literally, that is the only safe interaction I can have with him- prayer. And from a great distance.

I hear your grief in your posts, if I may say so. I just recognize it in you because I am going through it as well and how interesting that you typed the very same words as I did into a google search that brought you here to SR. The best way to get through grief is straight through the heart of it and you will move through it at your own pace. It is the denial phase that kept me stuck and recovery helps to bring the truth to the surface.

It sounds like you are dealing with addiction and personality issues with him all in one package and one does beget the other. But really who knows if it was the chicken or the egg and at some point I threw my hands up in the air and said who cares. "Why" is such a dangerous question during our recovery. Our curiosity gets the best of us and eventually we get answers we don't want. It just gets worse living with an active addict. I am pretty sure everyone here would back me up on that.

You sound in better spirits. Ride that wave as long as you can to keep you coming back here, going to meetings, and exploring recovery. Be gentle with yourself or at least start learning how. I went back and forth with him for too long and I have cut the cord finally. I am not saying I know what is right for you but I can share that no contact has been a blessing. The more distance you create, you will begin to see how horribly he treated you. It's not personal. It's addiction. It's so ugly and demonic and I want nothing to do with it anymore. Keep writing and keep coming back! We are all here for you! Goodnight, B&B

Can't let go of a bad relationship?
This may help you to understand why.

Can't Let Go of a Bad Relationship?
by Susan Anderson

Do you know someone who stays in a bad relationship? What hooks them? The standard answer is that they don't feel good enough about themselves. They don't feel they deserve better. Their have a low sense of entitlement.

While self esteem is certainly a factor, many of these people started out feeling much better about themselves than they do now.

Being constantly criticized, rejected, neglected, or abused eventually pays its toll. The low self-worth you see is not always the CAUSE of their being unable to leave, but the RESULT of having been treated this way. Once they feel low about themselves, they lose the strength to get out.

But there is more to it. They have become traumatically bonded.

A traumatic bond is created when pain is inflicted into the attachment. This bond is stronger (just like epoxy glue is stronger than rubber cement) than a non-traumatic bond. The more traumatic the bond, the harder to get out.

There are examples of this everywhere in nature and science. Researches found that when training a duck to imprint them, when they accidentally stepped on the duck's toe, the duck imprinted them more than before. Science has conducted myriad experiments that demonstrate the power of pain to strengthen the bond. It's the principle fraternities use in hazing where they humiliate or hurt their pledges to instill greater loyalty in them.

But there is still another factor which really cements people to the abuser. They get hooked by the intermittent reinforcement. The abuser, every once in a while, will give them what they need, i.e. a pat on the arm or saying I love you or bringing home a paycheck. It's intermittent.

If you ever studied classical conditioning (Pavlov's dog and all of that), you may remember that if you want to train a rat to respond a certain way, rather than giving a steady reward (i.e. sugar pellet), give it only intermittently. Intermittent reinforcement is more powerful than steady reinforcement.

This explains the paradox of relationships. If your partner mistreats you in all kinds of emotional or physical ways, you run the risk of getting deeply hooked in.

You'd think it would work the other way, that if your partner made you feel secure, safe, and comfortable, you'd have a hard time leaving. But the irony is that many people feel freer to leave someone who has made them feel secure. Ever hear nice guys finish last?

But if they are made to feel chronically insecure, heart-sick, anxious, or hurt, they can get caught up in the drama of the abuse and locked into the dynamics of the relationship especially if every once in a while, their partner gives them a little crumb of love, intermittent reinforcement.

If you are in a traumatic bond, you not only suffer from your partner's criticism, blame, betrayal, unreliability, or neglect, but you suffer from beating yourself up for allowing it to happen.

You feel guilty for not being able to leave. Your friends may get fed up with you for being so stuck. Even your therapist loses patience. You feel judged. You feel weak. You feel ashamed of yourself.

"Why did you STAY?" comes the invariable question.

"Because I loved him," comes the equally invariable response.

Abuser tells Abused, "I love you," and these women continue to sell themselves out to hear the occasional utterance of three hollow words, meaning nothing to the abuser.

The more infrequently the crumbs of love are offered, the more hooked you are. You become conditioned, like a rat in the cage.

pattyG

http://www.markmeans.com/clientimage...ondscourse.pdf

FeelingGreat

Hi Jodie, just to say that although it seems so bleak now, you are doing the hard yards, going to meetings, posting here, increasing your knowledge and self-awareness. It all adds up and one day you will suddenly realise that your hard work has paid off and you are on your way to recovery. It might be sooner than you think.

Jodie77

B&B~

Thanks so much! Such a huge help. And the article hits so true to home...it's all starting to make a little more sense. Thanks again!!

Patty~

I will check out that link now. Thanks!!

FeelingGreat~

Thanks for the encouragement I hope it's sooner than later, too!

xx

Vale

Patty G.,

Great article! One of the common disconnects on SR can be characterized by
the old salt/newbie split,to whit:

He's bad news! Run! That,along with the (usually unsaid) "I can't believe anyone
could be so dumb and NOT see how abusive this person is".

It's NOT easy----and traumatic bonding is solid science explaining why.

It behooves those who have been around the cracker barrel awhile to be a
little less intolerant---and to NEVER GO into 'attack mode' when a person comes
here looking for solace.

I watched a middle class Mom trade her kids,husband,home,and future for a violent
felon who beat and cruelly denigrated her daily.Yes,addiction played a huge role---but
there was corroborating data suggesting that she was very badly abused as a young girl.
I think on SR we sometimes tend toward the "big bad snake of addiction ruins perfect
garden party" view of things.My deepest suspicions are that traumatic early abuse sets
the stage for addiction to reign---and without this deep seated and hard to eradicate
suceptibility....the natural resiliency of the human psyche does just fine.

Something to think about next time someone with 1 post arrives in crisis.

You cannot go wrong with kindness---as long as it does not hyperextend to enabling.

pattyG

Vale,

What I liked about the article is it gave specific ways to help treat the trauma bonds issue and it wasn't just cookie cutter approach. I agree it is hard for a newbies sometimes to admit we broke no contact or went back. Sometimes, like in my case, the only way no contact is maintained is because the A initiated NC. I went back and read all B&B s threads. It was helpful to see how universal our grief is. How common it is to think we can handle contact. It is also nice to see the growth.

blackandblue

Thanks for the article pattyG on trauma bonds. This is a great thread full of ESH. A friend put his hand on my shoulder 2 years ago when this all started and said "you know what my dear, just bless him and release him." I could not hear those words at the time but I have been repeating them over and over now and finally I can detach with love. That is what he meant by bless and release. But like the serenity prayer or other mantras, we just need to repeat them until we believe them. We can only let go when it feels safe and when we see we are in the care of something greater than ourselves. I don't mind the pain anymore because I trust that it will pass. I am ready to detach from the acute grief now. I have given it enough energy and I don't want to mourn my whole life. So on to Step 5 and we will see what is next. Hope you find continued solace and strength Jodie.

pattyG

B&b,
I too love this thread. I met with my counselor yesterday (3x) and she asked me why I couldn't stop contacting my ex. It has averaged once a week, either her or me. I told her I truly believe I had a trauma bond to this person because the relationship had never been good...except for 6 weeks when I walked away 3 years ago. We started looking at my FOO. It was interesting how I want to think my upbringing was normal because neither parent was an A, but I remember being hit by my mom with a flyswatter. I didn't think that was abuse. She said...would you hit your kids with a flyswatter? Ugh no absolutely not. A lot of unacknowledged trauma existed that I chose to forget.

Reedling

Letting go of people is so hard for me, this is exactly why I have to work a program. It's not about them and never was.