Jodie77

This was the email I received from him last week and I'm wondering if this is all BS or if the drugs are the real reason he left me. What are your thoughts?




Jodie,

I have a lot to say... First off, I want to thank you for everything you were and still mean to me and my family (meaning my kids). **I know all this is ****** up, bottom line, but I have zero idea how to portray or express what I'm about to tell you. *I hope you can read this and realize at least a little bit what I have been so embarrassed to tell you the past few weeks. *Once I had gone to Kolmac and cleaned up I had never felt better in my life but I didn't realize that if I didn't follow what I spent those two months learning that it would all go back to the same ******** I was going thru before and really even worse. *I had cleaned up and was ready to commit to you and finally give you what you deserved. I had no hesitation in asking you to be my wife because I knew you were all I had ever dreamed of. The only problem was I didn't continue to follow the valuable lessons I learned in Kolmac. *The minute I was done I felt like a new person but with no continuing care I was then searching for the "high" that I had willingly given up. *First I started with weed thinking it was no big deal but soon found myself crying and over thinking all my problems in life. *I knew that was going to work so then I tried opiates again thinking I could control with the suboxones that I had left. *I then *learned the hard way going in and out of mood swings and being and ******* to everyone around me. *After finally coming to my senses and realizing I wasn't going to risk another ******* withdrawal I dropped it and haven't had the desire or want to ever see that **** again and haven't since around New Years. I wish I could have just stopped there but with all the pressure and ******** I have going on in my life I was searching for another high. *Then came the ******* coke. *I thought because the withdrawals were not physical that *I would be fine but honestly I didn't realize the mental damage had turned me into worse then I ever was. *That's why I couldn't come to you with the embarrassment again with the same issue. *I remember you told me one night " Doesn't it *suck having to chase that next high or being medicated all the time" , but you never realized how prophetic you were. *I ruined my life so many times again and again. *You were always by my side no matter what but I *didn't want you to go thru that again. I couldn't tell you that again. *Now again I'm healing while shitting all I had that was good away. *I lay awake every night thinking of you. I love you so much but I know that I don't deserve any sympathy. I have major problems and I am always working on them. *I know I'll end up alone but I couldn't put you through this again. *I know you always knew and like you told me many times that " you were too smart". *I know I lied to you over and over trying to get better on my own but that never works . *I wanted to tell you so many times but I wasn't man enough. *I don't deserve you or your friendship. I just ask that you keep this between us. I'm working on this again. *I'm sorry Jodie. I haven't thought about anyone else or *will never. *I do miss you so much. *I realize you have animosity but I hope one day you won't. *I still have some thing of yours here and at my office. Also I know I still owe you money for your ring. I'm not doing anything with it *but I'll come up with your money another way. *I'll get it to Adam. *I haven't talked to him and understand its not appropriate either too. *Just please keep this between us. I don't anyone realizing I'm a loser. *I love you always...

Ann

Jodie, these are words. He wants to get clean. His actions must follow and be consistent for a long time, otherwise it's just the same old roller coaster until he does.

When there is active addiction, there is no logic. Why he left you or why you left him doesn't matter. In the end, his choice was drugs, even though with that comes guilt and remorse.

Personally, I wouldn't put too much importance on what he says here. He's sad and he's sorry...and he's not clean yet. At this early phase, it's still just a "pause". Real clean and sober comes with time, a lot of time and work.

I'm sorry this throws you, maybe take some space for yourself today and find your balance again.

Hugs

Jodie77

Thanks Ann. I don't see anywhere in his emailing saying he is going to rehab or therapy, only that he is "working on things." Yet last weekend he went out drugging & drinking. He later told my brother he left me because I "didn't let things happen naturally" and I "was rushing the marriage." Yet he's the one who proposed! He also said "what a great girl I am and he doesn't know what the future holds." WTF! If that's how he felt then why did he give me a huge rock 2 months ago? I can't understand any of this....

Lily1918

Not to sound rude, but one of my favorite bands is Relient K, and they say... "actions... actions... actions... actions speak louder than words"

This is a classic example of what I like to call "quacking" my addict does it all the time. I do it to, just in different ways... sorry Im not much more help or comfort, its just in my expierience I take everything my heroin addict bf does, and any other addict in my life for that matter (one brother and one sister) worth a grain of salt. Only time will tell. The only constant is change after all.

How are you doing? Are you ok? Hugs and prayers for you. Always.
Lily

Jodie77

Thanks Lily. I think the whole point of his email is saying he's sorry but doesn't want to be with me. I haven't heard from him since this email over a week ago and he's talked to my brother since and has said he doesn't want to be with me now. I don't think he's getting help at all. I know for a fact he's continuing to use. I think he just fell out of love with me and is using the drugs as an excuse because he's used the entire time we've been together. Granted he's pushed me away so many times. It's maddening.

I'm doing better than I was last week thanks to all of you as well as Al-Anon. Still hurting though. My head is still spinning.

Ann

Jodie, when people here say "it's not about you, he's not doing it to you, he's just doing what addicts do", there is good experience behind that.

With my son, I asked myself "why?" a thousand times, and "what if" and "if only" and what I learned is that there are no answers. They just do.

We cannot find rationality in insanity, and active drug use is insanity.

My son didn't want to use, he hated what he had become and mourned the loss of his family, his children, his life...yet he continued to use. That's how powerful addiction is.

I pray your friend finds a better path soon, and I pray you find your own peace with acceptance of what is. It took me a long time before I could accept that it is what it is and I cannot change it. But that was the beginning of my first step..."We admitted we were powerless over others/addiction/drugs and our lives had become unmanageable." What seemed like such a simple and logical step, took me a long time to truly grasp and understand. It's a step I remind myself of often because I have no control over what anyone else does/thinks/says/plans. I can only control what my own mind and heart tell me is right.

Hugs

Jodie77

Thanks again, Ann. Your post has been a big help and full of experience/insight. You're right, it is insanity. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through with your son. Thank you for your wise words.

Hugs xx

bunkie65

Jodie77,

My thoughts! Hmmm... well I have many. Lol! I think alot... part of my codependency I think (no punn) just now my thinking is not foggy like it once was and I can queit my mind from obsessive thinking.... another thing I learned through the al anon program and God.... (stinking thinking) they call it. I used to ask everyone and anyone what did they "think" about xyand z, I would gather several different "opinions" about mainly my ex and different situations with us, or things he said, because I did not know how to make decisions. I could not trust my "gut" because I never knew what that was! It was not until the program of alanon that helped me learn how to put it into perspective, trust and listen to my gut and God! That all took time and trial and error! But adventually I gained courage and wisdom to know what my gut was telling me with out question. Adventually I knew what I needed to do for me and had confidence in my decisions and choices. Adventually I learned how to find balance in what my heart was saying and what my head was saying. One of my biggest struggles, getting my heart and head on the same page! Still can be at times but when I am off "balance" and don't have peace about things I know what to do. Listen to my gut, pray, go to a meeting and talk to someone in the program or someone that has balance in their life.

Hopefully some of my experiences make sense to you and maybe even help in some way! I said all of that to say this! My thoughts are trust your gut! What does your gut tell you about this e-mail? What did you say "I don't see any where in his email he says he going to rehab or therapy" that was your gut (IMO) telling you he can say what ever he wants to truth, lie, a moment of remorse or what ever, bottom line he needs to be ddoing something (action) to maintain his recovery!

Someone mentioned "quacking" and that is what active addicts do! No disrespect to them its just their thinking, motives and words mean next to nothing until they are working a recovery program! Their words will line up with their actions! I saw alot of "justifications" and "excuses" for his choice to use! No where did he mention as you said a plan of action! "He is working on it" okay! How so? He did not share that key piece of his recovery! He knows what he needs to do as he mentioned "with no continuing care I was searching for that high"! What "continuing care plan does he have now? He neglected to address that! Perhaps because he does not have one!? My thoughts are too that email was a way to release some of his guilt, suck you in in case he needs something down the road, emotionally manipulate you? They tell you everything they thing they think you want to hear so you will stay "attached" emotionally and they feel in control! And they are of our emotions if we give them that power over us! They know it too, when we are "hooked" emotionally! That is why for me recovering from codependency and the effects of addiction is so important! I found that recovery in alanon!

It is so difficult to detach from someone we love. It almost goes against our human needs for love and compainship, however when we love someone who is using and has a addiction it is impairative to understand what we are dealing with and become whole and heal! We will be in a constant state of confusion and try to figure out make sense of insanity! Addiction=insanity! It is absolutey craziness and is baffling and cunning! It is WTF?

Keep working on you jodie! Go to as many meetings as you can! Learn all you can and stay true to yourself, your values, morals and your peace and serenity. Trust your gut jodie, your much wiser than you may think. Try not to make sense of someones words that you know is still using. Focous on you and what you need to do for you! Your doing a good job. Processing, your feelings and taking action to heal by having a plan and following through with that.

Sorry this is so long! I did say I had alot of thoughts! I can just relate to where you are and I know where I have been and where I am today! And how much I have changed and grown and how much I have learned by going to alanon. How much stronger I am today by workng on me and understanding what addiction does and is. And how I can confidently trust my gut and not hesitate knowing what I need to do for me to have the peace I found and keep it. It took working through the pain and healing. Letting go! It is a process and progress not perfection! Cause lord knows I have days where I think wtf I know better than that! But I don't stay where I fell I get up immediately cause its not comfortable anymore. I m uncomfortable being with out peace and striving for balance.

Hugs and prayers!

LoveMeNow

Sorry Jodie. I am sure this email is very confusing. Even if he meant every word of it...he still an active addict who will always put his drugs and selfish needs before you. If he wanted to get clean, he would then have to put his recovery first as well.

Personally, I find it very telling how he is so concerned about his "secret" and fails to realize so many people already know. I don't think drug dealers take an oath of confidentiality. I see so much manipulation in this email.

Please do yourself a favor and go no contact for a while until you get some clarity. Engaging with him will only keep you so confused and hurt. Be thankful you found out the truth now before you got married, had children and financial obligations with him. That in itself is a huge blessing.

For many of us, our addicts became our addiction. It became very humbling for me to expect my husband to stop his addiction when I could not control my own.

Jodie77

Bunkie,

Thank you so much. Everything you said makes perfect sense. I always ask for others opinions in hopes they'll tell me what I want to hear. I have lost touch with reality and I find myself idealizing the situation and not looking at the hard facts. One of the reasons is because I became addicted to him and I'm terrified he'll find someone else. He is VERY attractive and gorgeous and I can see how the women will flock to him now that he's single---I know I need to let it go but I'm obsessed with it.

I went to an Alanon meeting on Thur, Fri and I'm going to one again today. I'm not sure how they are working for me just yet because I find myself thinking about him during the meetings, but I'm continuing to go only because of what you all have said in terms of it working and reading all of your testimonies.

You're right, he isn't seeking treatment. He is continuing to get high. I know he'll be out on the boat this summer attracting many women and that sickens me; that's where my sickness/codependence comes into play and hopefully Alanon will help me to heal. I feel better today than last week, but like a drug I just want him to contact me so I can get my "fix."

Thank you kindly for your advice and support. xx

Jodie77

LoveMeNow,

Wow. You nailed it. Before I even read your reply I had already written he was my drug and I needed my fix. I am going through horrible withdrawal and feel as if he will just contact me I'll feel relieved, for the time being...until I go through withdrawal again. It's maddening.

You're right, he's not getting treatment. He's continuing to use and that in itself should be a reason I go no contact.

Thank you! xx

futurehope1987

Jodie, I have gone thru the same with my bf... I do believe that they believe they love us, but at the end of the day these are just words. It sounds really bad, but what they actually feel is need more than love, the need for that person that's always gonna be there, and no matter how they have hurt us, most of the times we are there for them to fall back on.

Try to move on and live your life, from what I've read this is not the first time that this has happened. Really think if this is even worth fighting for because most likely at the end of the day you're gonna be fighting for something alone.

Best of luck!

AnvilheadII

chances are good he has high when he wrote that rambling self serving email.

time to make a clean break. for you. keep going to meetings, keep learning about you, keep moving away from that deep dark place addiction takes us.

Lily1918

When D went away to rehab, I know circumstances were different, but I was still very hurt and very lonely, so I deleted all of the old texts and emails, I put all of his pictures away on the shelf, I covered his piano and picked up the violin again. I actually put all piano music on hold for a month or so, with the suggestion of a few wise ones from this sight. I threw away the roll of tinfoil. This great purging of these triggers helped me get him out of my head a little bit, and I had a good cry the day I did it.

Maybe doing something similar would help you? Im sorry for your pain hugs.

atalose

When people walk away from you, let them go, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. It doesn’t mean they are bad people it just means that their part in YOUR story is over.

Ending are hard no matter what is the cause, allow yourself to grieve this relationship, learn from this relationship and be better prepared for the next one with the knowledge you learn through al-anon, and the words from people here.

Be patient with yourself but keep moving forward don’t get stuck for too long looking in the rear view mirror.

zoso77

Jodie, what he says or what he writes doesn't matter. It's his actions that matter. And you have to look at and pay attention to his track record. Remember in your first post you mentioned how you saw red flags because of his drinking and you brushed it aside? The fact of the matter is you can't afford to do that anymore. He will do or say anything to get his way, and that's simply the nature of the disease of addiction.

If you love him, and if you love yourself, you will detach from him with love and allow him the opportunity to get his act together and allow yourself to heal. What that ultimately means is accepting that he's sick, and until he chooses recovery and becomes accountable to himself for his actions and choices, nothing will change.

Please put the focus on you and your well being.

ZoSo

bunkie65

Jodie;

I am greatful that sharing any of my experiences, strength and hope can be of some comfort, inspiration or what ever it is to you or for you! That is what the 12 step program is too! Giving back! I know the 11 step for me was and is key to lifting, letting go of much of my pain and heartache, obsessive thoughts, wanting a "fix"! Surrendering my will and seeking his will! My will just like the addicts (drug) addict, cause I guess I am one too, in many ways, (recovering) though and working a program and have a plan, I want what I want, my will! And letting go, really letting go of my will and seeking through prayer and meditation asking for his will and the power to carry that out brings a peace in my mind, soul, heart and spirit that is unexplainable! Everything seems to fall into place! Not to say its smooth sailing, but when the waves start to stir up nd the waters are rough I can still stay calm in the midst of a storm. Not perfectly and not always do it get this right, but boy when Iam humble and really willing and surrender miracles happen, for me anyway! My mind quiets and I know that God is got this, me him, and I have peace! Daily hourly and at first by the minute I have to do this, surrender and seek his will and like you be brutally honest with myself! Which by the way is what you are doing (IMO)! And then you open the door for God to work in you, by making you aware, then you can accept and follow it with action! The 3 A's Awareness, Acceptance and Action; one of my favorite slogans! Also a conformation I am on the right path with God and myself! I can't change or heal or recover from something I am not aware of! So when I have an awareness I know God is working and so am I. Awareness allows healing and growth in me! And lays the foundation for spiritual awakenings!

I love being or having an awareness cause it means so many wonderful things are ahead for me. Growth, strength, change and so much more! It can be painful and very humbling too. But the end results if I allow God to be God and let go of as you said "my reality" which many times is not reality at all. It was just mine is peace and serenity.

You may not realize it or see it yet Jodie but you have and are having many awarenesses, which is so awesome and exciting (imo), because after acceptane of your awarenesses you can get into some action. And that is between you and your higher to figure out! You are healing and changing and even though you may not "feel" it or see it, the willingness you have is allowing God to work in your life and in you!

One day at a time, one minute one second what ever is needed. Saying the serenity prayer over and over and over all day, at night espically helped me tremendously in the beginning of my recovery! It helped to stop my obsessive thoughts or at least make them a whisper that I had to strain to hearand gave me so much comfort from my own "stinking thinking". I still use it the serenity prayer not as desperately as I needed it at the beginning but there is so much power in that prayer. I use or say that prayer now to remind myself I am not in control of people, places and things, what is my business and what is not, and let it begin with me. What do I need to work on focus on? ME!

Take a deep breath when you find yourself fearful of what he is doing or not doing or who he talks to or could talk to or what he might do. Try and stay in the moment and stay in today! None of know if we have tomorrow so let today take care of today and if the good lord willing we get tomorrow trust he will give us the strength and courage and wisdom to do what he wants us to do with another day he blessed us with!

You have alot to be greatful for Jodie and I am sure you already know this if not take a moment and give it some thought and try what they say "attitude of gratitude" thanking God for all he is and has done and is doing!

Happy Easter!

LoveMeNow

Remember your own words

Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you still have him! !!! No truer words have been said!!

Taking the bad now for the good later is well worth it! But if you don't fix you now, you will continue to seek out men with different but similar issues! Healthy attracts healthy!

Kindeyes

I don't think there's a lot more that I can add here. I think he was trying to give you the closure that you wanted.

Addicts aren't always bad people, but they are sick people. And sometimes they want to get well and will do anything to make that happen. And sometimes, they want to get well......but not bad enough to give up the high. And sometimes they simply won't get better and the won't stop using.

Jodie.....he is sick. He has a disease.....a very baffling and cunning disease. He is being more kind than you could ever possibly understand by letting you go. He believes you deserve more......because I think he's saying that he's not ready to quit yet and he doesn't want to put you through that.

I hope you can mourn the loss of what you thought you had and move on to a relationship that will be more fullfilling.

gentle hugs
ke

Jodie77

This is so heartbreaking. I have been crying all day. I feel like there's a huge hole in my heart and there's no part of me that wants to live without him. I can't believe he discarded me.

I know he's sick. But he didn't have to abandon me. All I can do is cry and take it day by day.