Can someone please dissect/explain this email from my addict
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Jodie77 
This is so heartbreaking. I have been crying all day. I feel like there's a huge hole in my heart and there's no part of me that wants to live without him. I can't believe he discarded me.
I know he's sick. But he didn't have to abandon me. All I can do is cry and take it day by day.
I know he's sick. But he didn't have to abandon me. All I can do is cry and take it day by day.
Keep working on you. Journaling and writing a gratitude list are very helpful for me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jodie, it's okay to be sad, just don't hang out there too long. Maybe try a nice long walk in the sunshine. It's good for getting the cobwebs out.
Atalose, these words really touched my heart today. Thank you for helping me put something that has been bothering me in perspective...and funny enough it had nothing to do with addiction, just a friend who has moved on in her life and out of mine.
Hey! Let's ALL take a walk in the sunshine, and stop for ice cream and watch the swans on the bay!!! Get your walking shoes, girls, and let's take Jodie for a walk.
Hugs
Originally Posted by atalose
When people walk away from you, let them go, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. It doesn’t mean they are bad people it just means that their part in YOUR story is over.
Hey! Let's ALL take a walk in the sunshine, and stop for ice cream and watch the swans on the bay!!! Get your walking shoes, girls, and let's take Jodie for a walk.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 129
It is okay and normal to be sad and cry. Just trust me when I say you will feel better eventually. I know you can't imagine what that would be like, can't imagine that it will ever happen... But please put faith in the fact that you will!!' So glad you are going to meetings. I think it's normal to think about him a lot when you are there, especially at the point that you are at. When I broke up with my XABF and he would email or text me, I tried to analyze every one of his words. And like you, I asked others hoping that they would tell me what I wanted to hear! The fact that so many of us react in the same ways proves to me that we really do have a sickness!
To me, his email sounded fairly genuine to me.. He is sorry... He loves you... But like you said, he is doing nothing to change. I would take the email as a grain of salt....
Hang in there. Try to remember why it is good that you are no longer in this relationship... No more manipulation, no more lies, etc.
To me, his email sounded fairly genuine to me.. He is sorry... He loves you... But like you said, he is doing nothing to change. I would take the email as a grain of salt....
Hang in there. Try to remember why it is good that you are no longer in this relationship... No more manipulation, no more lies, etc.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I can't believe he discarded me.
Sweetie he loved/loves you the best he can, BUT his real love is the drugs. He did what addicts do, he ran to his drug.
That email is just QUACKING. It is what addicts do and say to justify their actions, in this case walking away. Believe it or not he has given you a great!!! You are now free to work on you to become the person you would like to be. To become healthy on the inside. Once healthy you will attract healthy.
Know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Quacking. He feels guilty and misses you. Total manipulation. He is a yo yo. watch out.
Oh how I know it hurts, andit is beyond tempting to reach out to him. You want him and you love him. And maybe you are thinking you can not only help him, but he needs you as you do him. You got the love bug.
I know this because I was with my xah for 16 years. He made me laugh and knew me like no other. I loved him so incredibly much. I thought we were soul mates. We had a child together. Then, he lost his job and started doing cocaine. He cheated on me for 6 months. Everything just exploded in my face. He abandoned my son and I. I never even got an email like that. I just got dumped. Dumped with a 2 year old and bills. I lost 20lbs in 2 months. I cried everynight. I was depressed and anxious. I was obsessed with him. I hoped and prayed he would come back to me. I thought I needed him and he just had a mis-step. Then, he kept hurting and disapponting. As time went on I finally accepted we weren't ever getting back together. Our story together was over. I moved forward. Thankfully, I never lost myself in him. I picked up my career and interests. Still in pain. But, slowly it got better because he was an addict and always showed his true colors. He would cancel visits with our child, not show, not give money, basically not co-parent at all. Meanwhile, he would cause drama and anxiety like no other. His final gift to me was disappearing. Thank god! The less contact I had with him and the more he hurt me and my child, things became very clear. I didn't and don't need him for my happiness. I can make myself happy. Maybe there is someone out there for me, and maybe not. But, it doesn't matter because I am independent. I don't need a man. I can take care of myself. And, if I do find a man agian, my expectations a uber high. I know what good is. I know what mature is. I know what is healthy. It has been almost 2 years and like I said, I see clearer and clearer how hurtful and wrong he treated me. I was his wife and mother to his child, and a good one. He destroyed me. It isn't right. It isn't normal. Do not make excuses for his actions, because the way he is treating you is not ok. You deserve normal. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness at all times. Not a yo yo depending on how his emotional status is. He really did give you a gift. You do not want to have a child with this man. He is an addict. Maybe after a year of sobriety AND recovery...maybe then he can talk to you, but otherwise....NO CONTACT!!!!
Spam box his emails and change your phone number. Tell your brother to not hang out with him and to not tell you any more stories about him. It will be the only way you can heal. He hurt you. You don't hurt someone you love. Not like that. Let him go. Again, it wasn't easy for me. I feel your pain. But, if hindsight is 20/20 I can't believe I even tried to beg him back. He doesn't deserve me.
Also, I found yoga really helped me. It was an outlet for my emotions. Find something to focus on that is healthy.
I know this sounds soooooo cliche....but it really does get better over time. Be strong.
Oh how I know it hurts, andit is beyond tempting to reach out to him. You want him and you love him. And maybe you are thinking you can not only help him, but he needs you as you do him. You got the love bug.
I know this because I was with my xah for 16 years. He made me laugh and knew me like no other. I loved him so incredibly much. I thought we were soul mates. We had a child together. Then, he lost his job and started doing cocaine. He cheated on me for 6 months. Everything just exploded in my face. He abandoned my son and I. I never even got an email like that. I just got dumped. Dumped with a 2 year old and bills. I lost 20lbs in 2 months. I cried everynight. I was depressed and anxious. I was obsessed with him. I hoped and prayed he would come back to me. I thought I needed him and he just had a mis-step. Then, he kept hurting and disapponting. As time went on I finally accepted we weren't ever getting back together. Our story together was over. I moved forward. Thankfully, I never lost myself in him. I picked up my career and interests. Still in pain. But, slowly it got better because he was an addict and always showed his true colors. He would cancel visits with our child, not show, not give money, basically not co-parent at all. Meanwhile, he would cause drama and anxiety like no other. His final gift to me was disappearing. Thank god! The less contact I had with him and the more he hurt me and my child, things became very clear. I didn't and don't need him for my happiness. I can make myself happy. Maybe there is someone out there for me, and maybe not. But, it doesn't matter because I am independent. I don't need a man. I can take care of myself. And, if I do find a man agian, my expectations a uber high. I know what good is. I know what mature is. I know what is healthy. It has been almost 2 years and like I said, I see clearer and clearer how hurtful and wrong he treated me. I was his wife and mother to his child, and a good one. He destroyed me. It isn't right. It isn't normal. Do not make excuses for his actions, because the way he is treating you is not ok. You deserve normal. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness at all times. Not a yo yo depending on how his emotional status is. He really did give you a gift. You do not want to have a child with this man. He is an addict. Maybe after a year of sobriety AND recovery...maybe then he can talk to you, but otherwise....NO CONTACT!!!!
Spam box his emails and change your phone number. Tell your brother to not hang out with him and to not tell you any more stories about him. It will be the only way you can heal. He hurt you. You don't hurt someone you love. Not like that. Let him go. Again, it wasn't easy for me. I feel your pain. But, if hindsight is 20/20 I can't believe I even tried to beg him back. He doesn't deserve me.
Also, I found yoga really helped me. It was an outlet for my emotions. Find something to focus on that is healthy.
I know this sounds soooooo cliche....but it really does get better over time. Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
We're sorry you are hurting,Jodie77.
We wish we could make it better.
But this is a path we have all walked.
Yes there are tears...and there will be many more.
I wished and hoped and sacrificed----waiting for the day
the addict I cared for 'got better'.
It never came.Then I came to SR and found that what I had
been waiting for (for 10 seasons of my life)....was within me all
along.
It is in you,too.
Heartbreak,sadness.These are real things.Be thankful you can
FEEL them.These are luxuries our afflicted friends do not have...and
THAT,Jodie77.....is the saddest part of the addictive lifestyle.
Be sad,grieve,put things in their rightful places.
But tomorrow is Easter.The season of renewal.
Be a part of that.
We wish we could make it better.
But this is a path we have all walked.
Yes there are tears...and there will be many more.
I wished and hoped and sacrificed----waiting for the day
the addict I cared for 'got better'.
It never came.Then I came to SR and found that what I had
been waiting for (for 10 seasons of my life)....was within me all
along.
It is in you,too.
Heartbreak,sadness.These are real things.Be thankful you can
FEEL them.These are luxuries our afflicted friends do not have...and
THAT,Jodie77.....is the saddest part of the addictive lifestyle.
Be sad,grieve,put things in their rightful places.
But tomorrow is Easter.The season of renewal.
Be a part of that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by Ann
Triple scoops all round....or more, sky's the limit.
gang.........we've "been around!"
(yeah,I saw the 'or more' disclaimer----just keeping it real)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Laurie & Story,
Thank you so much for sharing. I feel empowered after reading what you wrote. I had an absolute hysterical crying meltdown today just wanting to die from this pain. But you are right, he doesn't deserve me! He abused me. He hurt me. And he's kept me on a yo-yo for years. He's so very sick and I have become just as sick in the process. Thanks for making sense of this for me. Story, I'm so sorry for what you went through. The pain is so raw I know.....but you are an inspiration! You've come so far and that gives me hope.
Quick question, I've heard this term used often on SR. What is quacking?
Thanks xx
Thank you so much for sharing. I feel empowered after reading what you wrote. I had an absolute hysterical crying meltdown today just wanting to die from this pain. But you are right, he doesn't deserve me! He abused me. He hurt me. And he's kept me on a yo-yo for years. He's so very sick and I have become just as sick in the process. Thanks for making sense of this for me. Story, I'm so sorry for what you went through. The pain is so raw I know.....but you are an inspiration! You've come so far and that gives me hope.
Quick question, I've heard this term used often on SR. What is quacking?
Thanks xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Vale,
You are so right. He used to tell me he felt bad when I cried but he couldn't feel anything because he was "numb." It's not fair they do this to their loved ones and don't have to feel any emotional repercussions of their actions. It's as if he's gone on and like I never existed. He's out partying today while I'm left to pick up the pieces. Such a long and painful process but I feel I'm in good company.
Thank u xx
You are so right. He used to tell me he felt bad when I cried but he couldn't feel anything because he was "numb." It's not fair they do this to their loved ones and don't have to feel any emotional repercussions of their actions. It's as if he's gone on and like I never existed. He's out partying today while I'm left to pick up the pieces. Such a long and painful process but I feel I'm in good company.
Thank u xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by Jodie77
Vale,
You are so right. He used to tell me he felt bad when I cried but he couldn't feel anything because he was "numb." It's not fair they do this to their loved ones and don't have to feel any emotional repercussions of their actions. It's as if he's gone on and like I never existed. He's out partying today while I'm left to pick up the pieces. Such a long and painful process but I feel I'm in good company.
Thank u xx
You are so right. He used to tell me he felt bad when I cried but he couldn't feel anything because he was "numb." It's not fair they do this to their loved ones and don't have to feel any emotional repercussions of their actions. It's as if he's gone on and like I never existed. He's out partying today while I'm left to pick up the pieces. Such a long and painful process but I feel I'm in good company.
Thank u xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
EverHopeful,
Yes my AXfiancé said pretty much the same thing that he couldn't cry. The strange thing is that if he smoked pot he'd cry for days so he had to switch back to opiates (snorting) which left him an emotionless shell. He's a polysubstance addict so he switches from alcohol to weed to opiates to coke. I can't imagine that not wreaking total havoc on his emotional well being.
I suspect your x "loved" you to the best of his ability...but no he probably couldn't cry for you or anyone for that matter because his brain is numb to any real feeling. It's so, so sick.
Yes my AXfiancé said pretty much the same thing that he couldn't cry. The strange thing is that if he smoked pot he'd cry for days so he had to switch back to opiates (snorting) which left him an emotionless shell. He's a polysubstance addict so he switches from alcohol to weed to opiates to coke. I can't imagine that not wreaking total havoc on his emotional well being.
I suspect your x "loved" you to the best of his ability...but no he probably couldn't cry for you or anyone for that matter because his brain is numb to any real feeling. It's so, so sick.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Pianogirl and Vale and everyone else (hope I didn't miss anyone):
Thank you for your responses and support. I've been reading these all day...it's gotten me through the day
Happy Easter!! I can finally have chocolate tomorrow!
Story, he quacks all the time! It has been quacking for years and I never understood what he was saying. Now I know it's pure BS and manipulation! What took me so long?! I'm such a sucker!
Thank you for your responses and support. I've been reading these all day...it's gotten me through the day
Happy Easter!! I can finally have chocolate tomorrow! Story, he quacks all the time! It has been quacking for years and I never understood what he was saying. Now I know it's pure BS and manipulation! What took me so long?! I'm such a sucker!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Ahhhh,quacking! Such a highly evolved art form.
Ducks do it too! When my daughter was little we used
to feed the ducks. One day a big 'ole honking goose came
right up to her,did the wing flap thing----honking like Hell's
own goose.Of course my daughter dropped the food bag,
screamed and ran!
I guess the animal had successfully used this behavior
before---it just turned it's back to us as it anticipated the
enjoyment of it's spoils....and waddled away.
So I grabbed the animal by it's long neck and yanked
the food bag out of it's mouth.The astonished animal then put on
a show of wrath the likes of which that duck pond had never
SEEN! Flapping wings, hissing, honks,arching neck----the
works!!!! Then it feigned a charge.
I stood there. 90 kilograms vs maybe 10? It was a pissed
off,angry,very vocal goose.
But rational.
Why do they quack? To get people to drop the
feedbag.Why wouldn't they? It works.....
(Most of the time)
Ducks do it too! When my daughter was little we used
to feed the ducks. One day a big 'ole honking goose came
right up to her,did the wing flap thing----honking like Hell's
own goose.Of course my daughter dropped the food bag,
screamed and ran!
I guess the animal had successfully used this behavior
before---it just turned it's back to us as it anticipated the
enjoyment of it's spoils....and waddled away.
So I grabbed the animal by it's long neck and yanked
the food bag out of it's mouth.The astonished animal then put on
a show of wrath the likes of which that duck pond had never
SEEN! Flapping wings, hissing, honks,arching neck----the
works!!!! Then it feigned a charge.
I stood there. 90 kilograms vs maybe 10? It was a pissed
off,angry,very vocal goose.
But rational.
Why do they quack? To get people to drop the
feedbag.Why wouldn't they? It works.....
(Most of the time)
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