EverHopeful721

Thank you, atalose - I really appreciate your words of support and advice. And you're right - she absolutely knows all about him and who he is, from being with him before and from working in the bar where he frequents the 'back bathroom' 5 times a night...and she most likely does use, as well. And it's so true that he's not some GREAT prize, not like I made him out to be in my own head. And I absolutely LOVE your analogy about the trash!! It's really an AWESOME way to look at it and it really helped me this afternoon!! THANK YOU!!

Hanna

Also, my wise Uncle has this saying "Watch how people treat other people, and pretty soon they will get around to treating you that way."

Works for people that treat others well and also for those that treat each other poorly.

I like to spin it around and say that people that treat you poorly get around to treating everyone else that way eventually, too. No one ever just treats one person badly - they usually have a long line of people that they have done the same way. I know now that if someone isn't good to me, it's not about me at all. It's about them. Took me a very long time to learn this and now I can recognize bad treatment much more quickly and get out of it's way.

EverHopeful721

That's the thing, Hanna - he treats everyone else decently, just not me, for some reason!! Now granted, I was never around him 24/7, so I can't say for sure how he always treated other people....I've heard about 'quirks' and stuff, but nothing major. When it comes to his friends, a/k/a his 'real family,' he would do anything for them. He helps friends move, never once offered to help my parents and me move, when he's feeling good, it's drinks all around at the bar, but he never spent one dime on me, he threw himself a big b-day bash at the bar, complete with free food, drinks and DJ for his 'friends' to enjoy, but not only didn't invite me, he never even mentioned it to me!! I found out through FB and my brother (who was invited but didn't go after he found out I wasn't invited). That's why I'm just so confused - I don't mean this in a conceited way at ALL, but I'm a REALLY NICE person, I have a really good personality, I love to laugh and have fun, and I'd do anything for anybody, ESPECIALLY people I love. So what gives?? Why was I NEVER good enough for him, yet people who've used and abused him over the years and who still do, get better treatment from him than I ever did?? THAT'S why I can't help but question myself, wonder if it was just ME. Even this ex he went back to - I've heard a lot of things about her being a not-so-nice person (not just from him, from other people as well), but he'd rather 'date' her and not me. She gets the 'relationship,' I get demoted to 'booty call.' And the thing is, he KNOWS I'm not that kind of girl - I'm not trashy, don't go around having casual sex, I don't carry myself in any way that would make people think I'm 'easy,' etc. yet he chose to put me in that role and I just don't understand WHY??? I don't know if it's the drugs or if he's got some kind of mental disorder, but it just doesn't make ANY sense and everyone who knew him and told me he was a genuine, honest, standup guy feels the same way, that they NEVER thought he would treat me the way he did and end it so very badly with me, especially in light of his friendship with my brother. I swear, it's enough to make me start questioning my own sanity...!!

stucna

I think you might be sth he alway wanted and you've got life he wanted to live, but he just couldn't fit himself in. That's what my friend xabf told her when he called to say sorry. All his life was full of crap, he was surounded by unhealthy enviroment and she was The only normal thing that ever happened to him. He just couldn't handle it.
Be happy that you haven't soak in his sick circle!

EverHopeful721

You know, I do think there is truth in what you say, stucna...I have also found myself thinking the same thing, and even my brother has told me that C never had somebody as nice or as good as me in his life and he probably just didn't know what to do with me or how to handle it. And I understand it, but it still hurts, ya know? If that's how he felt, then he never should have let it go as long as he did, stringing me along and making me think I had a chance. And even then, why treat me badly?? If he thought I was too good for him or he didn't deserve me, then why did he seem to treat me the WORST? I don't know, you'd think he would have treated me BETTER if that's what he thought, not treat me like some skank he picked up at the bar...but maybe he just doesn't know HOW to treat a decent woman because he never had one, ya know? I don't know, maybe it was that, maybe it was the drugs, maybe it's just that he's a real a$$hole or maybe it's a little bit of all three!!

Thank you, stucna, for the supportive words. Hope you're still hanging in there and doing okay!

stucna

Yeah i know your pain. its 5weeks for me now... My xabf treated me good ish till one day he decided he's done with me, but kept me on emotional leash for couple weeks after which he just stopped talking to me without explanation and for no reason at all. Addicts act sick.
Are you sure he treat his friends good? My x was/is pretty aweful with his mates. Ignoring them on daily basic, saying in funny way they are idiots. I don't do it with people that I respect. I never pay attention to it till today when Hannah posted it before.
Remember that You have got the life he wanted no other, not other way round. enjoy it and don't lose it!

EverHopeful721

Hmmm....now that you mention it, I would catch him saying stuff like that about his friends a lot. Although when it comes down to it, he will ALWAYS take their side over anybody else's, especially mine. But again, maybe I'm giving him a lot more credit for being a decent person than he actually deserves. Wow stucna, I think you, along with what Hanna said earlier, just kind of opened my eyes a little bit more...

I know - your XABF treated you horribly and then coming into your job and upsetting you at work!! You didn't deserve to be treated like that by him, then OR now. As you said, THEY are the sick ones, not us! We really do deserve better than them and we are so much better off without them. Keep your chin up!!

stucna

Once I said to my xabf his mate is addicted to coke and he got furious! "No, he is not!!! How dare you say that?! How do you know!" And I told him "mate I saw him doing it and he admitted it to his girlfriend and she told me!!", all I've heard back was "you are full of ****!". And he,himself, said once about his mate he is not to clever. But if I said sth, even paraphrase his own words, no matter what he would always be on his friends side. Maybe cos they all doing coke as well, so for them we are weird ones.

I just read what I posted you before!!! "Good ish"!!! Ha! Why I have accept good ish when I want just good? Yeah my xabf gave me pretty hard time I must say. I never had such a destructive experience before. It's funny cos its like something clicked in his head, one day loving dreambo, next day full of hate *******...

EverHopeful721

I think it just really shows their irrational behavior from the coke....one day making little insulting comments about their friends, the next defending them to the death and saying how great they are. My XA even spoke that way about his ex (not the one he dumped me for, the very last one who dumped HIM after his parents died) - one time he's calling her a scumbag b*tch and an a$$hole, the next time he's talking nice about her and almost defending her!! Seriously, WTF?!?

stucna

Exactly!!! And for me other question: why me x was in touch with his x? My had also toxic xgf, that was literally stalking him. I asked him so many times to clean this mess and he said he did, but he just couldn't delate her number and sometimes he even reply to her, which made me cry few times. Unacceptable!!!
So you see they keep in touch with toxic people cos they are one of them...

EverHopeful721

Yes, C did the same with this one he just dumped me for. He told me they were 'just friends,' that they dated a LONG time ago and she needed to get over it. But then it used to upset me that he would see her EVERY Friday when he'd go to the bar, because she worked that shift and I'd think, geez, your ex gets to see you more than I do!! Sometimes I wouldn't see him for weeks at a time, but she got to see him EVERY week!! And now I know why - for all I know, she's the love of his life and the whole time he was seeing me, he was working on getting her back!! Because as soon as she became available (she must have broken up with the last guy she was seeing not too long ago), he kicks me to the side like I'm nothing!! I'm sorry, but if that's the case, that I was just a 'fill-in' until he was able to get who he REALLY wanted, then he's a bigger ******* than I ever thought he could be. To use the sister of a lifelong friend for sex, all the time knowing she wanted a relationship and had REAL feelings for you and then tossing her aside as soon as you didn't need her anymore....?? That's pretty f***ing LOW!!! Ugh, it's just making me sick as I sit here and think about it....don't know why I didn't see this before, but I could literally go throw up right now....

(Oh, and I tried to message you back, but it said you don't have anymore available space, lol.)

stucna

Ohhh, Ive cleaned my post box. Text me any time you like!

That's so cruel!! God! i don't know if i could/would handle that! You have been so patience!!!

My xabf xgf (getting complicated) lives on the other end of the world, in Australia. I think he keep that sic relation as it was tickling his ego that somebody is so crazy (literally!!!!) about him. At some point she tried to stalk me as well...

The thing is I personally don't believe and accept contact with ex and I have extend that boundary for my xabf! Why???
Why the hell we both agree for this situations like that?!?

EverHopeful721

I really don't know, stucna....I guess it was part of our addiction to THEM. We were willing to put up with being treated horribly and used for the chance of having someone love us back. And that's really sad that we feel that THAT'S the only way we can get someone to love us, to allow someone to treat us like that. That's why we have to work on ourselves, because as long as we allow it, we will continue to be used and abused and we DON'T DESERVE IT!! That's NOT how love should be!! So let's try and get healthy so we can handle the next one better, eh?

stucna

Yussssssss!!! I have already set up my own new and strong (ill do my best for that) boundaries.

atalose

Water seeks its own level.
Quality people of integrity find other quality people of integrity and visa versa. It means that high quality finds high quality and low quality finds low quality. You
have discovered he seeks low quality people, period. YES you are a good person,
honest and of high quality – NOTHING is wrong with that.

Try and wrap your mind around the fact that something is wrong with HIM and NOT you!

((hugs))

EverHopeful721

Thank you, atalose. I'm really trying to hammer into my brain that it's him, NOT me, but I still struggle with it because I'm so used to blaming myself for everything and constantly feeling that I'm unlovable because I'm not good enough or don't deserve it. But I appreciate your words and I particularly like the part about him seeking low quality people, period. It sparked something in me, and I'm going to strive to remember that because I think over time, it will help me accept and deal with this. Thanks again, and sending ((hugs)) back!!

Hanna

I think you have to ask yourself some questions:

What does a healthy relationship look like?

Why am I willing to settle for less than a healthy relationship?

I think this guy's issues are completely irrelevant. Why you chose to allow him to treat you this way is the crux of the matter. You must address why you feel unlovable and realize that your own wrong thinking is the real source of your pain. You don't deserve what he was offering. There's an infinite number of people out there that will treat us that way if we allow it. You deserve something better but in order to get it you have to accept that each of us is deserving of love and respect.

I know whereof I speak.

EverHopeful721

Thank you, Hanna - I know you're right. It doesn't excuse his behavior, but I agree - if I had any sort of self-esteem or belief that I deserve to be loved by a decent person, I would have walked away from him a long time ago!! But because of my low self-esteem and the fact that I wanted to 'fix' everything for him, make his life better by loving him, I stuck it out way longer than I should have and ignored all of the red flags that popped up, instead choosing to believe his empty, meaningless words. And in the process, I yet again put my OWN wants and needs LAST, instead trying to convince myself that I was happy with the crumbs and scraps he occasionally threw my way.... But now that he's out of the picture and my head is slowly clearing from his influence on me, I've got nothing but time and determination to work on myself so I can be ready for a healthy relationship somewhere down the road!

AnvilheadII

have that healthy relationship with YOU first. get to know YOU, what you like, what your skill set is, what makes you tick. it sounds SO trite, but learn to love yourself. love meaning appreciate, accept, and embrace ALL of you - not just the "good" parts.

they say recovery is about learning to turn defects into assets.

EverHopeful721

It may sound trite, but it's true, AH. I know without a doubt that I am an absolutely beautiful person INSIDE, and that is the 'good' that I accept about myself. But I have spent my WHOLE life absolutely HATING my body and believing that THAT is what men are going to judge me on, rather than the really great person I am. And because I feel that my body is so lacking by society's standards, I feel that no man could ever possibly love me. C has a BEAUTIFUL body - he's like a work of art to me (although he contradicts himself by working out so hard, but then abusing his body with malnourishment, drugs, cigarettes and alcohol). But anyway, many times in the past I've thought to myself, God, your body is so disgusting and his is so perfect - it must make him sick to his stomach to even tolerate having to look at or touch your body long enough to get off!! And I'm ashamed to admit that a big part of me (and here come more tears) believes that it's one of the reasons he ended it with me, because of my disgusting body. I was told he dated a stripper in the past and the ex that he's now back with is tall and thin - WTH would he want with ME??? And even though I know I shouldn't even want to BE with anyone who would judge me solely on my exterior, it's just one of those demons I've been tormented by since I started developing at an EXTREMELY early age... Anyway, my point is that I agree with you about embracing ALL of ourselves....and believe me, I've got a LOT of work to do when it comes to accepting and loving my body.