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Any advice for a New Jersey SO whose mate is in allll the way in Florida for a month?

Old 03-19-2013, 01:30 PM
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Any advice for a New Jersey SO whose mate is in allll the way in Florida for a month?

Hi all,

Not sure which section this should be in so please, forgive me..

I was in a 7 year relationship, close to marriage when I found out she had a painkiller problem. After a few stints at NJ rehabs she finally went to Florida for what is going to be at least a month, could be 3.

Needless to say, I am quite worried and moreso frightened. My heart swells with pride that she finally decided to "go away" as in the beginning she did not want to leave NJ. It has been 2 weeks and I am pretty upset. I have been focusing on myself since the addiction came to light (which was over 7 months ago) but seeing her go after sharing a special moment (saying our I love you's, etc.) the day of her departure is tough for me. I realize I should be elated that she is taking the right steps but I am so frightened that A) she will not come back home to NJ and B) that I will become a memory.

Needless to say, she means the world to me and our relationship has survived this long even after a break of about 2 months. I am not familiar with the protocol of institutes such as the one she is at and have not heard from her either in letter (which we said we would send back and forth) nor phone.

Thanks to all who have read this far and have any advice.


Best,
Spanty
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Old 03-19-2013, 02:11 PM
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Hi Spanty - Glad you're here. It's scary to think of the way things could change as a loved one seeks help. That's why as the family and friends, we're encouraged to focus on ourselves and our own recovery -- because in our own ways, we have become sick from the addict or alcoholic's sickness too.

Google some Al Anon meetings in your zip code and see what's available. They are free meetings for those of us with loved ones who use substances. They have been SO helpful for me. I've been going for a month now (almost daily!) and I certainly would be in way worse shape if I had been trying to go it alone.

Your girlfriend is off doing her best to be healthy right now, so you have a wonderful opportunity to help yourself get healthier right now too. Hang in there and keep reading the forum and taking good care of yourself. xo
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Old 03-20-2013, 02:43 PM
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Thanks Shine,
I am definitely focusing on myself. I have been doing so for the past 3 months wherein I had not heard from her. It was seeing her again and spending some time together the day of her leaving was so nice but it revived all those emotions! This is what makes her being away again so tough. It was almost easier when we decided to take a break but after our time together her being away now is much tougher.

I will check out some meetings again. I have been to several before that were very helpful.

Appreciate the reply..
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Old 03-22-2013, 10:01 AM
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Should I be preparing myself for her to not come back?
Lot of stories I've heard about those who go to Florida for rehabilitation never come back home.

Anyone have any stories/experience?
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Old 03-22-2013, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Spantoh View Post
Lot of stories I've heard about those who go to Florida for rehabilitation never come back home.
Why don't they come back? Because the weather is so good? Or because Florida is the pain-pill-doctor-seeking capital of the world?

I think you need to be emotionally prepared for either eventuality.

Are you prepared if she returns and relapses? I would think that would be more crushing than if she stays in Fla.
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Old 03-22-2013, 10:40 AM
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A) she will not come back home to NJ and B) that I will become a memory.
Should I be preparing myself for her to not come back?
Lot of stories I've heard about those who go to Florida for rehabilitation never come back home.
Hey there.....welcome to SR.

There is no need to worry about something that may or may not happen. I lived in that world of worry and fear for a very long time.....it never changed a thing. Whatever was going to happen, happened whether I worried about it or not. But by worrying about it, I was "living" the nightmare of something that hadn't happened. It was an awful existence and I'm glad I figured my way out of it.

Instead of preparing for her not to come back.....I might suggest that you prepare in the event that she DOES. I found my way out of living a fear based life through Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. Those programs "speak" the same language as most of the recovery programs out there (12 step based). I found a different way to view things in those rooms. And it helped me IMMEASURABLY!

It also gave me insight to the program my son is involved with......and I was able to meet some really wonderful people who came to speak at our Nar-Anon group from NA.

Facing our fears is really difficult.....I use to think it was easier to "be prepared" for the worst.....but it wasn't. I was stuck in a very negative frame of mind. Today I am able to accept today and reside there.....tomorrow will bring what it will bring regardless of how much I worry about it. It feels a heck of a lot better.

Stick around.....there's much to learn here on SR.....there's a lot of collective wisdom and many people who are willing to share their experience, strength and hope.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-22-2013, 12:14 PM
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Hey Spanty welcome to SR.

I am a recoverd heroin addict and the loved one of an addict so I have been on both sides. Instead of worrying about what could happen in the future, spend the time now getting healthy emotionally and physically. Start deciding what kind of boundaries you want to put in place not only for her, but for other people in your lives also (a person doesn't need to be an addict to violate our boundaries). Try to get yourself in a comfortable place where you feel like you are thinking straight and then no matter what happens, you will be able to handle it.

As for your fear she might not come back, that is completely up to her. As a recovered addict who moved 12 hours from my home state I can say that sometimes moving away is the best thing for the recovered addict. Being home held way to many memories of using drugs and all the people I knew and associated with drugs were always around. I got tired of being tempted by memories at everywhere I looked so I went far enough so that when I got a craving I couldn't jump in the car at 2 am and drive back to meet up with people. If that time comes, you will have to respect her decision. Only then should you start worrying about the different outcomes such as long distance relationship, breaking up, moving there with her, etc.

Try to just be in today and enjoy the little things that we too often overlook. SR is a really good place to vent and get adivce from people who have been there and gotten past it. Knowing that you're not alone also helps alot since when dealing with an addict it gets very easy to think that you are the only one that has to deal with this.
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Old 03-29-2013, 03:21 PM
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God bless you all.. Shine, Carl, Kind, and May.

Extremely ncie to log in after a few weeks and have some helpful and heartfelt feedback and thoughts. Many thanks again. Will explore and consider all your suggestions.
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