Not until I read your posts...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
Well. Some how I pulled off the first show. The New York tenors, heard of them? Fantastic voices with a 14 piece band. Some how I kept it together and pulled of running monitors. Thank God I wasn't front of house. Once that was over it was rush to strike it down only to set up for the orchestra. Only 3 hours left. My heart is pounding through my chest. I just kept pushing myself like I did before I turned to the junk.
I have had a horrible sadness that I have had to hide all day though. I have yet to really talk to my fiancé and haven't seen my daughter in what seems like forever, even though its only been about 2 days. Thanks for yur support. I am so tired. I know I won't sleep.
I have had a horrible sadness that I have had to hide all day though. I have yet to really talk to my fiancé and haven't seen my daughter in what seems like forever, even though its only been about 2 days. Thanks for yur support. I am so tired. I know I won't sleep.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Hang in there! Remember you are doing this for your daughter and her future relationship with you. Better to miss a few days or weeks now than a lifetime for her, wondering who you were and why you're not in her life. Not meaning to load on the guilt, but you really are important to her future.
What an ordeal, and so amazing that you worked all today.
Thank you for posting on our board. You have a lot of support here, and we appreciate your thoughts and care towards those of us who have witnessed and suffered from our loved ones' addiction.
Take care, and get some support, okay?
:ghug3
What an ordeal, and so amazing that you worked all today.
Thank you for posting on our board. You have a lot of support here, and we appreciate your thoughts and care towards those of us who have witnessed and suffered from our loved ones' addiction.
Take care, and get some support, okay?
:ghug3
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It is heart wrenching when a person finally accepts the damage that addiction causes, not only to themselves, but to everyone who cares for them. But it's a good realization to come to because now action can be taken to change and amends can be made.
One day at a a time.........
gentle hugs
ke
One day at a a time.........
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
Well. I made it through yesterday's 15 hours of hell and was a fault able to get a little sleep before I started today's 15 hours of, well, I'm feeling somewhat ok. Not great by any means but I'm digging deep. A calm is over me now. I called a person I meet at the na meeting last night and just checked in. I'm into it 74 hours now and I'm at the peak of this detox. It hurts. God do my bones hurt.
You all have been amazing. I felt a peace this morning I haven't felt in 2 years. In fact my fiancé told me she loved me last night. Something I haven't heard in quite some time.
A 200 dollar a day habit has ripped my soul from me. But I think it's coming back. I have a meeting tonight at 11 ill be going to. I'm going to talk this time.
You all have been amazing. I felt a peace this morning I haven't felt in 2 years. In fact my fiancé told me she loved me last night. Something I haven't heard in quite some time.
A 200 dollar a day habit has ripped my soul from me. But I think it's coming back. I have a meeting tonight at 11 ill be going to. I'm going to talk this time.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Welcome to this forum GuideMe. Through all of the pain I have gone through with my XABF, I will always love him. I only let him go so that he may find his path on his own with dignity and without me as his crutch. I did this both for him and for me. Because I knew that we both needed to recover. I will never lose faith, hope, and love for him. The last thing I said to him- "I am sorry. Please forgive me. I forgive you. I love you." I believe that time and space do not define love. The love you feel for her and your daughter are giving you the strength to find the love within and divine love. Praying for you today that you come out the other end of detox with god speed. I watched my XABF go through it several times with me there and only when I left did he make it through successfully. The only way out of the pain is to walk through it. Wishing you all the best in your new found path of recovery. Many blessings your way today.
. This forum has really opened up my eyes too. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
I think I just got hit hard with a second round of the kick. I am freezing and there are 250 kids her for a recital. Man this sucks. It's taking everything good left in me. I want to call my fiancé so bad but I refuse to. I will not put this on her again. This is not her responsibility nor her fight. I own this. I surrender. I just want to lay down so bad. I'm so cold.
One day at a time
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Finally in reality
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by GuideMe 
I think I just got hit hard with a second round of the kick. I am freezing and there are 250 kids her for a recital. Man this sucks. It's taking everything good left in me. I want to call my fiancé so bad but I refuse to. I will not put this on her again. This is not her responsibility nor her fight. I own this. I surrender. I just want to lay down so bad. I'm so cold.
You'll make it through this.
Praying and hugs to you.:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
Man. The more I read about your stories the more hopeless I feel about ever making amends with her. I can't find one success story. While it fuels the flame that has once again ignited within, I feel more hopeless now then ever. The distance cuts like a blade through my wrists.
I changed my number and deleted all my contacts. It's wierd not having my phone buzzing off the hook. I talked to the person I think I want to be my sponsor. It was very uplifting. I hope I get out by 10:30 so I can make the last meeting I my area.
I've had to pass it off like I have the flu at work. I feel like I'm Lying to them. I am lying to them. Should I tell my co workers? I really don't think it would be good. No one I work with pimped down like I did. I feel so crazy right now. Like pinballs are bouncing around and I've never come off the amount I have before and I can't stop dry heaving and puking. I can't believe I almost made it another day. 8 am tomorrow is 5 day. I haven't made it 5 days in God only knows.
I changed my number and deleted all my contacts. It's wierd not having my phone buzzing off the hook. I talked to the person I think I want to be my sponsor. It was very uplifting. I hope I get out by 10:30 so I can make the last meeting I my area.
I've had to pass it off like I have the flu at work. I feel like I'm Lying to them. I am lying to them. Should I tell my co workers? I really don't think it would be good. No one I work with pimped down like I did. I feel so crazy right now. Like pinballs are bouncing around and I've never come off the amount I have before and I can't stop dry heaving and puking. I can't believe I almost made it another day. 8 am tomorrow is 5 day. I haven't made it 5 days in God only knows.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Getting clean and staying clean is a HUGE first step in amends. Please don't underestimate that. That's really what most of us truly want.
I don't think you need to "confess" this to your coworkers. It's your recovery and no one else's business.
I don't think you need to "confess" this to your coworkers. It's your recovery and no one else's business.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by GuideMe
Man. The more I read about your stories the more hopeless I feel about ever making amends with her. I can't find one success story. While it fuels the flame that has once again ignited within, I feel more hopeless now then ever. The distance cuts like a blade through my wrists.
I changed my number and deleted all my contacts. It's wierd not having my phone buzzing off the hook. I talked to the person I think I want to be my sponsor. It was very uplifting. I hope I get out by 10:30 so I can make the last meeting I my area.
I've had to pass it off like I have the flu at work. I feel like I'm Lying to them. I am lying to them. Should I tell my co workers? I really don't think it would be good. No one I work with pimped down like I did. I feel so crazy right now. Like pinballs are bouncing around and I've never come off the amount I have before and I can't stop dry heaving and puking. I can't believe I almost made it another day. 8 am tomorrow is 5 day. I haven't made it 5 days in God only knows.
I changed my number and deleted all my contacts. It's wierd not having my phone buzzing off the hook. I talked to the person I think I want to be my sponsor. It was very uplifting. I hope I get out by 10:30 so I can make the last meeting I my area.
I've had to pass it off like I have the flu at work. I feel like I'm Lying to them. I am lying to them. Should I tell my co workers? I really don't think it would be good. No one I work with pimped down like I did. I feel so crazy right now. Like pinballs are bouncing around and I've never come off the amount I have before and I can't stop dry heaving and puking. I can't believe I almost made it another day. 8 am tomorrow is 5 day. I haven't made it 5 days in God only knows.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
I gave up my best friends. I gave up my music. I gave up writing songs. I gave up my drums. I gave up my band. I gave up a dream job. I gave up a life worth living. I gave up my daughter. I gave up my fiance. I gave up.
How do I get that back????????????
I became a liar. I became a thief. I became manipulative. I became numb. I became hopeless. I became vengeful. I became dark. I became soulless. I became everything I swore I would never be.
I met my father once when I was 5. He gave me a tape, a Jimmy Cliff "The Harder They Come" tape and a walkman. I still have the tape. He was an addict of the worse kind. But, aren't we all?
I never thought about him. Where he was or who he was. My mother shielded me from all that. But, now, I am starting to wonder if maybe she shouldn't have. I am starting to wonder if it did take a toll on me. I swore I would never be that father, yet, that is what I have become. I swore I would never be that spouse, yet, that is what I have become. I am so scared of what my future holds. I will take it day by day. I will rebuild what I have destroyed brick by brick.
I am an addict. I want instant gratification. But, I know I can't have that. I know this will be a long and lonely road.
I made it through another day by Gods grace. I made it through another day. I am grateful for that.
Right now my strength has come from, well, all of you that have supported a complete stranger in his darkest hour. My family will not. I have burnt that bridge. My fiance will not. I nuked that bridge. I am grateful for all of you. I have felt your prayers. I have felt your support. I will do this for my self. It's the only way it will work this time.
How do I get that back????????????
I became a liar. I became a thief. I became manipulative. I became numb. I became hopeless. I became vengeful. I became dark. I became soulless. I became everything I swore I would never be.
I met my father once when I was 5. He gave me a tape, a Jimmy Cliff "The Harder They Come" tape and a walkman. I still have the tape. He was an addict of the worse kind. But, aren't we all?
I never thought about him. Where he was or who he was. My mother shielded me from all that. But, now, I am starting to wonder if maybe she shouldn't have. I am starting to wonder if it did take a toll on me. I swore I would never be that father, yet, that is what I have become. I swore I would never be that spouse, yet, that is what I have become. I am so scared of what my future holds. I will take it day by day. I will rebuild what I have destroyed brick by brick.
I am an addict. I want instant gratification. But, I know I can't have that. I know this will be a long and lonely road.
I made it through another day by Gods grace. I made it through another day. I am grateful for that.
Right now my strength has come from, well, all of you that have supported a complete stranger in his darkest hour. My family will not. I have burnt that bridge. My fiance will not. I nuked that bridge. I am grateful for all of you. I have felt your prayers. I have felt your support. I will do this for my self. It's the only way it will work this time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
"It's always darkest before the dawn."- Florence and the Machine
If I may I suggest a few things to keep in mind while you are courageously finding your way out of the dark. While you are reading all of our stories here about our own trials and tribulations with addiction and relationships with addicts, keep in mind that we are in the middle of crises and we all still do not know the outcome. There is a lot of mystery to this life and I have seen miracles. We never know and you have taken a major leap of faith. So this forum is not the end all be all. But you are brave enough to face us and what you realized is that we all love you and we don't even know you. That is a powerful realization and it is a mystery. Maybe even the last thing you expected. But I don't see you as so different from me. I don't judge you and I doubt anyone else here does. If anything, I applaud you for your efforts and self-realization. Some people live an entire lifetime never really facing what is inside. But remember unless your loved ones have recovery they are not well equipped to deal with this either so we all fumble until we learn new ways of coping. All of us here are at different points in our recovery and while we are all different, we are all in this together in one way or another. I realize every time I point a finger at my XABF, three fingers point back at me. I can only take care of my stuff and allow him to find his way without me telling him what to do. God knows I love him despite my anger- which anger really is fear, hurt, and/or sadness disguised. If you want to read a short passage below it helped me when I felt unloved and unworthy. Wishing you continued faith, hope, strength, and love. I will say a prayer for you tonight.
God will wait as long as it takes for us.
-- Rev. R. Walters
Whenever we try to understand, analyze, or probe too much into the reasons for love, we damage it. All that can really be done with love is accept it.
God loves us. We are loved. Regardless of all painful experiences we may have had that convinced us love never lasts, or that love may be fine for others but it just doesn't work for us - regardless of what we may have learned of love - God loves us.
There is a lovely parable in Scripture about the lost sheep and the steadfast love of the shepherd. When the one sheep became lost, as the parable goes, the shepherd did not simply write it off as the cost of doing business. The shepherd searched diligently until the lost sheep was found. No mention is made of scolding, abuse, or punishment - simply the joy the shepherd felt at finding one of his own that was lost.
We are as loved as that lost sheep; and, at times, as lost. Whether we feel we are worth it or not, the Shepherd patiently, faithfully searches us out. We cannot outrun God's reach.
Today, I ask God to deepen my faith.
If I may I suggest a few things to keep in mind while you are courageously finding your way out of the dark. While you are reading all of our stories here about our own trials and tribulations with addiction and relationships with addicts, keep in mind that we are in the middle of crises and we all still do not know the outcome. There is a lot of mystery to this life and I have seen miracles. We never know and you have taken a major leap of faith. So this forum is not the end all be all. But you are brave enough to face us and what you realized is that we all love you and we don't even know you. That is a powerful realization and it is a mystery. Maybe even the last thing you expected. But I don't see you as so different from me. I don't judge you and I doubt anyone else here does. If anything, I applaud you for your efforts and self-realization. Some people live an entire lifetime never really facing what is inside. But remember unless your loved ones have recovery they are not well equipped to deal with this either so we all fumble until we learn new ways of coping. All of us here are at different points in our recovery and while we are all different, we are all in this together in one way or another. I realize every time I point a finger at my XABF, three fingers point back at me. I can only take care of my stuff and allow him to find his way without me telling him what to do. God knows I love him despite my anger- which anger really is fear, hurt, and/or sadness disguised. If you want to read a short passage below it helped me when I felt unloved and unworthy. Wishing you continued faith, hope, strength, and love. I will say a prayer for you tonight.
God will wait as long as it takes for us.
-- Rev. R. Walters
Whenever we try to understand, analyze, or probe too much into the reasons for love, we damage it. All that can really be done with love is accept it.
God loves us. We are loved. Regardless of all painful experiences we may have had that convinced us love never lasts, or that love may be fine for others but it just doesn't work for us - regardless of what we may have learned of love - God loves us.
There is a lovely parable in Scripture about the lost sheep and the steadfast love of the shepherd. When the one sheep became lost, as the parable goes, the shepherd did not simply write it off as the cost of doing business. The shepherd searched diligently until the lost sheep was found. No mention is made of scolding, abuse, or punishment - simply the joy the shepherd felt at finding one of his own that was lost.
We are as loved as that lost sheep; and, at times, as lost. Whether we feel we are worth it or not, the Shepherd patiently, faithfully searches us out. We cannot outrun God's reach.
Today, I ask God to deepen my faith.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Here is a success story for you today, with some added bits about how the loved ones of addicts work our recovery.
In my healing these past several months, I have learned to be grateful for each day that my RAD is sober. She is young, only 19, and was using heroin for about two years without me knowing. (Read my threads, if you like.) Anyway, she met a man in treatment (now her BF) who is older and who, I recently learned, had been using for 15 years. He has now been sober for 8-10 months. He is working hard to get his life together so he can go back and be a good father to his two boys.
I was frightened by him when I first met him last summer. In my own recovery work, I am learning to detach from fear--that has been my hardest task--and I am still some days frightened that she is so devoted to him, that he may relapse, or they might, when they move far away from me, but I cannot KNOW this will be true. So I am slowly learning to greet the day with gratitude that she is alive, that they have each other, that they are clean & sober, and that my relationship with my daughter is healing.
All this to say, there IS success and it depends entirely on our commitment to it. Some of us can't live with an addict after recovery. Some of us can. Some of us still love our addict with all our heart--most of us do, in fact, but we have to love ourselves first. And this is what your work is, too. Love yourself enough to make it work. Trust your HP. You are doing great so far.
And since I am a mom, I want to remind you to stay hydrated and eat healthy foods.
In my healing these past several months, I have learned to be grateful for each day that my RAD is sober. She is young, only 19, and was using heroin for about two years without me knowing. (Read my threads, if you like.) Anyway, she met a man in treatment (now her BF) who is older and who, I recently learned, had been using for 15 years. He has now been sober for 8-10 months. He is working hard to get his life together so he can go back and be a good father to his two boys.
I was frightened by him when I first met him last summer. In my own recovery work, I am learning to detach from fear--that has been my hardest task--and I am still some days frightened that she is so devoted to him, that he may relapse, or they might, when they move far away from me, but I cannot KNOW this will be true. So I am slowly learning to greet the day with gratitude that she is alive, that they have each other, that they are clean & sober, and that my relationship with my daughter is healing.
All this to say, there IS success and it depends entirely on our commitment to it. Some of us can't live with an addict after recovery. Some of us can. Some of us still love our addict with all our heart--most of us do, in fact, but we have to love ourselves first. And this is what your work is, too. Love yourself enough to make it work. Trust your HP. You are doing great so far.
And since I am a mom, I want to remind you to stay hydrated and eat healthy foods.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
GuideMe, I have found I can listen to people finding their way out of darkness more than I can listen to my own AS. This has been a huge added benefit from this forum: the ability to move over to the other side and see what it is like to be addicted. You have shown courage to post here and we are all learning from you too.
Do not despair about what you have lost. If you do not seek recovery, you will never gain it back anyway and will lose even more. By taking this brave step towards healing, you give yourself the chance of a new future. That future may or may not include people from your past, but you WILL be able to forge new, healthy relationships when you get better. You will never be able to do it otherwise.
You will note some cynism here, but it is because of the lies many had to listen to over and over. Once we see real action and commitment towards healing, things change. I am not saying you will be able to restore all your old relationships, but at least you will have a fighting chance.
Do not despair about what you have lost. If you do not seek recovery, you will never gain it back anyway and will lose even more. By taking this brave step towards healing, you give yourself the chance of a new future. That future may or may not include people from your past, but you WILL be able to forge new, healthy relationships when you get better. You will never be able to do it otherwise.
You will note some cynism here, but it is because of the lies many had to listen to over and over. Once we see real action and commitment towards healing, things change. I am not saying you will be able to restore all your old relationships, but at least you will have a fighting chance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
Hey all, I made it to 3 meetings yesterday. I'm going to these damn meetings as hard as I chasd the dope. It's my only chance at righting my wrongs. Because with the program, I still have hope. If I go back to using, I will not make it this time. I know that for a fact. I was already trying to end it wether I wanted to admit that to myself or not. How much junk I was putting in my body was,well, I'm not gonna go there.
I also now realize and accept the fact that if I loose her I loose her. That is part of the wreckage of addiction and the consequences I must face. But, at least I will face them clean. One day at a time and no more. I am powerless over my addiction. I surrender. I know that I will have to work on this for the rest of my life. I'm just glad I still have my life.
. I got about an hour sleep last night and at 8am I get a call from my business agent begging me to go do monitors for a group that just came through one of the halls around here. I got there at 9:15am and I just got home. Unfortunately I did still puke a couple times. But I had an 2 hour break which I went to another meeting. I have met some of the most amazing people in na. They have embraced me shaking snoting crying and puking with open arms. I see how na changes lives. I am so damn tired but I just lay awake thinking of the wreckage I've caused.
My knees are still aching with the depths of hell inside my bones but hey, in about 5 hours I'm coming up on 7 days. 7 f'ing days. I am so proud of myself for that feet alone.
I also now realize and accept the fact that if I loose her I loose her. That is part of the wreckage of addiction and the consequences I must face. But, at least I will face them clean. One day at a time and no more. I am powerless over my addiction. I surrender. I know that I will have to work on this for the rest of my life. I'm just glad I still have my life.
. I got about an hour sleep last night and at 8am I get a call from my business agent begging me to go do monitors for a group that just came through one of the halls around here. I got there at 9:15am and I just got home. Unfortunately I did still puke a couple times. But I had an 2 hour break which I went to another meeting. I have met some of the most amazing people in na. They have embraced me shaking snoting crying and puking with open arms. I see how na changes lives. I am so damn tired but I just lay awake thinking of the wreckage I've caused.
My knees are still aching with the depths of hell inside my bones but hey, in about 5 hours I'm coming up on 7 days. 7 f'ing days. I am so proud of myself for that feet alone.
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