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Boyfriend is at his FIRST Dr. Appointment & 3 days clean now

Old 01-25-2013, 01:49 PM
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Boyfriend is at his FIRST Dr. Appointment & 3 days clean now

As I type this Im sitting in the waiting room. My boyfriend is in for his first appointment with the psychiatrist about his addiction to cocaine. He asked me if I would accompany him because he was very nervous. He knew that I wasnít working during the time of the appointment, and I donít know if that makes a difference. I guess Im saying he didnít ask me to change my schedule around to meet his needs. He stopped using on Tuesday. I think he has stuck to it because he has been getting more anxious, grumpy, and not sleeping well. He said he was glad that he had the appointment today and he seems to be at the point where he feels like he needs the help. I know he has a long way to go, but I am hopeful that with the proper help things will turn around for him.

I guess I have a question because Ive been reading a lot for a while now, and there seems to be differing opinions on some things. And I think part of it has to do with peoples views on enabling, and part of it has to do with what people have to do in creating boundaries to help heal their own codependency.
Like with coming with my boyfriend to this doctors appointment. I feel good about it. I feel like I was able to give him some comfort by coming along because we had about a 40 minute drive here and we talked about various things unrelated and it helped him relax, and we plan to stop and eat at this cool restaurant on the way back. \And he is my boyfriend and so I want to support him making a healthy choice for his life.

But I have read here enough to know some people will say he should have went alone and it would have been good for him to face his anxiety alone. Others may say that I am codependent because I agreed to come. Ive been reading the codependent book, and I donít think I fit into most of it. Like I donít think by my coming along today I am sucked into the process, responsible for anything, or like Im controlling things. I think he would have driven here alone, and the outcome would have been the same. I guess Im just trying to figure out some of these things and look at what ways I might be enabling or acting codependent even a bit. I know we both have a long way to go, and so I really am trying to learn as much as I can.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:54 PM
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You are not codependent because you went to the doctor with him.
You are codependent because you are so worried about what everyone will think!

Now, if you go and make all his arrangements and call work and talk to his mom and fill any prescriptions etc, then you can worry.

It sounds like a perfectly normal thing to do so far.

Edit. OK, not perfectly normal, but you know what I mean.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:57 PM
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IMO if he is walking a path of sobriety and treating you with respect and love it's okay.

It's a drs. appointment.
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:21 PM
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I think we can get to a point where we over analyze what we are doing. You know what enabling is--your doing what your boyfriend can do for himself. It's okay to be with him in the waiting room while he visits with the doctor. Support is not enabling. When I had a panic attack and didn't know what was happening my husband went to the doctor with me. He didn't tell me what to do or speak to the doctor--my husband was just there for support. Ultimately it was up to me to follow my doctor's suggestions or not. Same as your boyfriend.
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:29 PM
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I think you are being loving and supportive and there nothing wrong with that. There is a big difference between being supportive, denial, and enabling.

My prayers are with both of you. Recovery is possible!!
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:48 PM
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It's great to hear he is with a doctor. It sounds to me as if you have good boundaries and are taking care of yourself. Once we parents/partners start detaching a bit, I have noticed many of us feel super-self-conscious, and I think that is totally normal. I read your other thread, and I am glad you are taking people's insights into account but acting on your own wisdom. I wish you both all the best.
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