newtoitall

I'll try to make this as brief as possible. I'm looking for some feedback from those of you with more experience than I have in dealing with a partner who is also a recovering addict.

We've been together for almost a year and in that time I've never had any suspicions or concerns about her past addiction. When we met she was very open about her opiate addiction, what it did to her as a person and how it changed her life. She had some set backs over the years, but that was before we met. Her life is going in a great direction and while I realise she will always be a recovering addict, I don't have any fear of her using. She knows trust can be an issue and has been so upfront and open with me about everything, she has my trust. I want to be supportive even though I have no personal experience with drug use or addiction.

Now, the reason I joined and am no looking for some opinions has to do with "social" drug use. She has cut out all of her old friends and bad influences relating to opiates, but some of her best friends, including some that have supported her during her rehab and recovery, are "social" or "casual" drug users, the drug being cocaine. She has never hid this fact from me and I know some of them, none have ever given me reason to worry that drug use is something that I should be worried about. However, she has mentioned a few times that in the right environment, she would consider doing "a little". She has been very clear that she used coke years ago and it was never "her drug", she wouldn't buy it, it doesn't do much for her and has no fear of addiction to it. It's a "social" thing, and I believe her when she says it's litteraly one or twice a year.

How should I see this? Given her history, any drug use, any quantity in any setting, makes me uncomfortable. I have forced the conversation with her a little, mainly looking to have her clarify exatcly how she sees this topic, so I can understand before forming an opinion on something I simply can't relate to. I've never been around casual drug use so can't put any of this into perspective.

She is a fantastic person who is doing great things for herself. Making up for lost time and looking towards a great future. I trust her and her judgement, but don't know just how big an issue I should make of all this.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

BeavsDad

Casual drug/alcohol use is what "normal" people do.
Addicts can't. They always want more and more.

So is she "considering" doing a little or does she do it once or twice a year?

If she does any, she is not in recovery and is playing with fire.

It's nice that you believe her, but in my experience, addicts seem to lie about quantities.

More will be revealed in time.

Good luck.

newtoitall

Thank you for the reply.

I know she has done it at least once in the past year. It's hard for me to believe she would be dishonest about any detail because she is so open about everything in her past. I've never had to push or pry, she seems to want me to know the truth so I never have reason to question her. I won't lie, I have "tested" her on a few things, waited to see if she would tell me things I already knew and not once has she been evasive or tried to mislead me.

After talking together and letting her know that any drug use, in any quantity, was something that I don't understand given her past, she did react in a positive way. She attended a meeting for the first time in a long time and told "those" friends (it is a very specific group) that she didn't want to be around if drugs were part of the scene. So I can't say she brushed it off as nothing.

I'm as concerned about the fact she sees it as "acceptable" as anything else and don't want her to try and avoid it for me. If she doesn't do it for herself, I'm not sure how to interpret the whole thing.

BeavsDad

Technically, you don't need to interpret it.

You can express concern any time you'd like, but her recovery and slips are hers to own. The meeting is a good sign.

You seem to have good communication and there haven't been any drug related problems.

Since she is a RA, continue to educate yourself a bit on addiction/codependency, but don't let it consume you.

Having clear boundaries is a good idea as well.

newtoitall

Thanks again.

Education is why I'm here. Before this relationship turns into something more, I want to try and understand things a little better.

These forums have been interesting to say the least.

dollydo

"I know she has done it at least once in the past year. It's hard for me to believe she would be dishonest about any detail because she is so open about everything in her past. I've never had to push or pry, she seems to want me to know the truth so I never have reason to question her. I won't lie, I have "tested" her on a few things, waited to see if she would tell me things I already knew and not once has she been evasive or tried to mislead me."

I can speak from my own experiece. My exabf was the same, so honest about his past, he just let the words and tears flow. The only problem wass...it was all a load of crap. In addition, if he said he used once, I learned that it wasn't even close to the truth.

Addicts lie, and then they lie somemore, their words mean nothing, it is all about their actions.

I am not saying that your GF is like him, however, if I were you, I'd pay close attention to what she does.

I would suggest that you read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, knowledge is power, learn all you can about addiction. This is a very cunning and baffling disease, it is very easy for one to be fooled by an addict, cause we wanna believe!

Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.

LoveMeNow

Personally, I would be far less concerned with her actions and far more focused on my own personal boundaries and core values.

When I started to compromise my own values, it should have been a red flag. But my love and denial kept me going down a dangerous path. Today, I do not want any drug users (social or not) in my life. No, if, and, or buts about it!!

P.S. Welcome to SR

lightseeker

You say that you trust her and her judgement but yet you are asking questions that make me wonder if you really do.

I'm not saying that you are wrong to do that...because what you are saying sounds like a slippery slope to me. It's important to hear that something in you is telling you that something is amiss.

I was married to a "recovering" addict so I definitely understand your concerns.

EnglishGarden

It is my understanding that people diagnosed with addictive disease should be completely abstinent from all mood-altering substances with addictive potential.

If she still hangs with drug users and still jumps in herself now and then and justifies that this is perfectly fine behavior for a recovering drug addict, I would ask myself why I am rationalizing and minimizing her behavior.

If she is in active addiction, there is no hope of a healthy relationship with her.

The best you can do for now is educate yourself and surround yourself with people who understand the tactics of drug addicts. A Nar-Anon meeting in your area would be a good place to start.

newtoitall

I think that's what I'm really trying to do by starting to read and ask questions from people who have been through situtations far worse than mine. I don't want drug use to have any place in my life or our relationship and that would be the case regardless of her past. At the same point, I'm not the type to pass a snap judgement about something I don't understand.

We are talking about moving in together and making some big changes to both our lives, all very positive things, before that happens I will make it very clear where I stand with this.


You're right, while I do trust her to tell me the truth, that doesn't mean the truth I hear makes me comfortable. I am not the over protective, controling type and never will be. We both need to live our lives even if we're together and it takes a special kind of trust.

If there is one thing I don't trust it's any persons judgement while impaired, be it booze or drugs. While I've never seen drug addiction first hand, I have seen alcoholism first hand and bad decisions lead to worse decisions.

I agree. I know she's not in an active addition, of that I am certain. But in my opinioin, flirting with any drug is simply a poor decision on her part and it's something I won't accept.


I want to thank you all for your comments. I was hesitant to say the wrong things to her, to put pressure or pass judgement, but after reading your replies and several other threads on here, I now know that some things need to be said. I won't ever accept or trust "social" drug use and if we are going to be together, she needs to know what my expectations are and anything that compromises her recover simply won't work.

Hollyanne

Hi Newtoitall,
Coke is a pretty hard-core drug.
In all my years "out there", and as a recovering alcoholic, I never did coke.
It seems so far away from a mindset of recovery, to think that it is acceptable.
If she used in the last year, she is not in any way, shape or form in a strong recovery mindset.
You talk of moving in together.
This is a very serious move.
The whole honesty think can be just smoke and mirrors.
She is presenting herself as honest, but it sounds more like "grooming" to me.
She has managed to throw you into confusion.
She is a drug addict with very questionable recovery goals.
Go slow. Be very cautious. Read some more here.
I know you probably think, this is different and she is different etc.
I can guarantee you, if I started a relationship now with someone in recovery who started talking about doing a line of coke here and there if it was presented to him, I would run a mile.

newtoitall

More and more it's starting to sound like while I shouldn't overreact to this, I shouldn't discount it either. It's an issue that needs to be addressed.

Is it wrong as a partner to lay out clear expectations for someone in recovery. Not simply that I won't accept using on any level but that given her comments and views, that I can't be comfortable unless she refocuses on recovery, attends meetings etc.

tjp613

There isn't much point, really, in "requiring" her to refocus on recovery and attend meetings. It's an option, certainly. But there's no guarantee that it would be meaningful to anyone but you. Know what I mean? It would be better to just see what she does on her own. That would give you a much clearer picture of the state of her recovery.

LoveMeNow

IMO, you need to have clear and firm boundaries for yourself (very different then expectations or ultimatums ) and be able to enforce them if necessary. For example - "I will not be in a relationship with anyone who does drugs" Mean what you say, and say what you mean. If she chooses to use, are ready to end the relationship, move out, make her move out, etc?

Attempting to control her, will make you unhealthy. You are powerless over her choices. The only person you can control, fix and save is YOU.

If an addict chooses to use, they can hide it so well. The "crazy making" for you will become present, you will be trying to make sense of something that has no logic and it goes down from there.

I have learned it is so important to live in reality and not some "hopeful" fantasy.

lightseeker

one last comment - relapse is not something that "suddenly" occurs....if you dissect it you can trace back to where the focus turned from recovery to relapse. Sometimes it can take years to pick up the drug but the choices to get there occur much sooner. As in...using a couple of time a year, having the thinking that that is "ok" to do, hanging out with people that use. If you are not working an active recovery you are working a relapse.

I've found that whether a loved one is in recovery or not a relationship with that person requires me to work a strong recovery program of my own. Are you willing to invest in that and continue a lifelong program?

Keep seeking your own answers....they will come.

LoveMeNow

There probably isn't a person on SR who, at one time, didn't think their addict was special, they were different, the information on addiction didn't apply to their loved one. Many of us believed our love was the "cure."

Sadly, addiction is addiction. It does not discriminate. If love could save our addicts, none of us would be here. It's just that powerful, baffling and cunning. A recovery addict will stay vigilant because they know the lies their addiction can tell them.

P.S. Have you looked at the codependent sticky? Are you identifying with any of it?

newtoitall

Agreed. I think I mentioned earlier, I don't want her to do anything for me, but I do want her to think about what she really wants and hope she comes to the right decision for herself. If she does that, her and I have a chance at a future. If not, it's just not a risk I'm ready to take.

That was my initial thought and opinion, I just wasn't sure if that was too... harsh? quick to judge? Knowing how bad her life was at one point, I don't understand why anyone would take any risk, but I'm learning that addiction doesn't often make sense. There is no logic involved.

Thank you. I'm trying to do the right thing for myself but be fair at the same time.

I have. It's a topic I'm familliar with and researched years ago when it came to my parents and my fathers alcohol problems and again when my first marriage failed. I think most of us would relate to one or two "signs" but generally, no, I'm not concerned about that. I obviously care for her, but I won't let my feelings and hopes for us as a couple override my logic. We are in our mid thirties and both lived through quite a bit. We have both accepted the others past, something not many people would do given the details, but at the same point my past taught me that I can't be a hero or saviour (a mistake I made in my marriage that led to several very unhappy years). We need to be right, happy and healthy as individuals first, only then will I be comfortable with the idea of committing to a long term relationship, living together etc.

I am very understanding, open minded and supportive, but there are limits. In the year we've been together, I never felt the need to spell out what I thought was so obvious relating to drugs. With what I heard over the past few weeks, I just needed to educate myself a little, be sure that how I felt about her comments was reasonable and that I handled it in a way that is fair to both of us. How she reacts will say a lot.

lightseeker

I finally woke up when I stopped looking at another person and what I wanted for them to do. Instead, Idecided what I want for myself.

I don't want to be partnered with anyone that uses or abuses illegal drugs - ever. Even a couple of times a year. I don't want to be partnered with anyone that abuses prescriptions drugs. I don't want to be partnered with anyone that over indulges in alcohol (drink and drive, a daily drinker, more than 2 drinks at any given time). Those are MY criteria and not anyone elses. Some people have a lower tolerance or a higher tolerance to all of this. But....what matters is that I've decided what I do and don't want in my life. I also know that I am only willing to be partnered with someone that once was in active addiction if they abstain from all mind altering substances and they work a recovery program.

Was I always this hard nosed? No....but if I had been I would have saved myself and my children a whole world of hurting and regrets. I knew what I wanted and needed but instead I focused on "him". And I kept trying to make things work by excusing and explaning. I didn't want to be unreasonable or judgemental. One thing I now know....someone doing anything for ANY reason other than themselves is never ever going to work in the long run.

Once I stated what I would or would not tolerate I knew when it was time to leave. Everyone is absolutely free to do what they want - I just don't want a ring side seat to it. I now know how much I have to lose in my own life if someone I'm close to is involved in addictive behaviors and actions.

LoveMeNow

50% of children of an alcoholic/addict parent will become one or marry one. That percentage seems very low, IMO.

I wanted to ask you if you had a parent that had addiction issues, but I didn't think it was any of my business. Trust your instincts.

newtoitall

My father is an alcoholic and has been as long as I can remember. He has never openly admitted it and has never made any attempt to get help. My mother stayed in a very bad situation for many, many years. Initially "for the kids" but even after we all moved out, she stayed for 10 more years.

There is no doubt, my past and how I see my father impacted my decision to get involved with a recovering addict. It also affects how I see the comments she has made lately. I am, impressed with the things she has done for herself, seeking help, going through rehab and making so many very complicated changes to her life. I've spent my entire life watching a man waste every opportunity and make excusses for and his poor decisions. But that said, and it's been mentioned here several times, actions are far more important than words. I've had conversations with my father about his drinking and no matter what he's lost because of it, his marriage, his career, my friendship, none of that has been enough to initiate change. Ultimatums don't work, that I know.

I have to admit, I am a little worried that letting her know my boundaries and the behaviour I'm simply not willing to have in my life will push her away. That fear comes from my past because my own father chose his addiction over everything else. But she is much stronger than my father, time will tell I guess.

This thread and your comments have alowed me to step back and realise that even after a failed marriage and essentially losing my father to alcohol, I'm happy. I do love this woman and would like to be with her, but I've walked away before and will again if need be. Life is too short to deal with other peoples problems and be unhappy.