seek

To the moms and grandmas who have recovery . . . I assume your kids are in different stages of addiction or recovery . . .how do YOU handle the day-to-day information that might come your way that would be upsetting to you?

I am using prayer at the moment.

It feels like I am basically "unsafe" in the world because of what my grandson might do or not do . . .as long as I love and care about him, I am going to have reactions when I hear things that I perceive as negative or unhealthy.

Also, how do YOU personally deal with your anger when it arises?

We are all different and have different beliefs and emotional make-ups, but I am just wondering what tools you use and what world views you hold that provide some cushioning or comfort or sanity when you hear things that would be upsetting to any person who cares about any other person.

Thank you

GardenMama

Hi Seek,

So sorry for your struggles. I suggest you read the "Stickies" at the top of the F&F of Substance Abusers discussion page. The majority of them will relate to your situation. I have also found a lot of wisdom in Melody Beattie's Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go. Reading NarAnon related materials is helpful as well.

We are all deeply hurt and saddened and surprised by the pain addiction has inflicted on us and on our loved ones, but there is hope for serenity if you begin working on yourself, your health, your spirit and through your active desire to find peace, you will get there.

Kindeyes

There is actually a subtle but important distinction that needs to be made here. We have feelings (or emotions) that are triggered when we hear something about our addicted loved one that is perceived as negative or unhealthy. How we deal with the feeling/emotion is the reaction. We can't necessarily control the feeling/emotion but we most definitely have control of the reaction. But it takes tremendous practice. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your perspective), the addict(s) in my life have given me plenty of opportunity to practice controlling my reactions. I don't do it perfectly but I've gotten much better at it over the years.

A very wise person (who also happens to be a recovering addict) advised me that "anger is the illusion of control". After giving that a great deal of thought.....I realized how very true that statement is. When I feel anger rising, I try to remember that "he who maintains a calm serenity is truly the one in control". He who erupts in anger or allows anger to become an overriding emotion is the one least in control.

I hope that sharing these thoughts is helpful to you. If not, please take what you need and leave (or store) the rest.

Great questions BTW!

gentle hugs
ke

seek

I asked, specifically, HOW YOU DEAL WITH THE FEELINGS WHEN THEY ARISE . . . not yelling, just clarifying what the question was.

As I said, I am using prayer today and it works pretty well for me.

I tried to say in the OP that we are all different - have different beliefs and world views - I was just looking for some practical tools you (meaning different people) might use when they hear something that upsets them.

My personal beliefs are obviously different from yours and there is no need to argue about that. I believe that when my body has a reaction, that I need to use some tool to get back to serenity. Part of it is instinctual - fear will arise when one feels their loved one is in danger in any way - and again, I was just asking what tools YOU use when your anger or fears get triggered.

P.S. I have read the stickies - I was in Alanon for six years - I have read much of the literature . . . I have stated elsewhere that I am not working a program of "recovery," per se . . . and I respect that you all probably are - and when I ask you for your perspectives, I understand they will be coming from that framework, but neither response actually addressed what YOU DO in the moment . . .looking for actual tools, not theory . . .thanks

janiebluebird

I think it is something that takes practice, to calm yourself down when you feel extreme anger. The best tool that I have is to turn my thoughts around as much as I can, in a way that works more positively for me...if that makes any sense. For instance, if I am brewing about something and thinking "This is so unfair" I can debate that or change it to something such as "Ya know what, they did me a favor." The way you can bring yourself to view something can change how you feel overall.

seek

Yes. Reframing is a great tool.

I don't know if I had a dream or if information somehow seeped into my unconscious but I woke up thinking about something I heard - and then became "upset" (i.e., had some fear and anger arise). I prayed and prayed and that helped and I am feeling better . . . I do have a morbid fear of bad news after what has happened and I will be using EFT to deal with that (thank you to the member who sent me the amazing EFT link). I have been using EFT for a few years and it helps immensely, and I am hoping to address some of these primal fears about my loved one and his health and all of the stuff that arises from time-to-time.

Thank you

YearForMe

I go to an Alanon meeting

I make an appt. with my therapist

I read and re-read the sticky's at the top of this forum

I go to the cliffs and scream my head off (isolated area...nobody around) to get
rid of the pent up anxiety and energy.

I make more of a conscious effort to:

Be Grateful
Use good manners
Not ask or expect others to give me the answers or solutions
Remember that I don't know everything
Not attack people because they are not giving me the information I want to hear

I try to remember to take the cotton out of my ears and stuff it in my mouth.

I stop and remember that I make my own happiness....not the success or actions of others.

I remind myself that it's my own EGO that is out of control when I am reacting to the actions of others or trying to control others and place blame.

I remind myself that alcoholism and addiction are diseases of the brain that are
cunning, baffling and more powerful than I am.

I remind myself of the Three C's. I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure this.

These are the things I do to Handle Feelings/Keep Serenity

I work on me.

Or more specifically, I work the program I wish my addict would work.

seek

Wow. You do all that in the middle of the night?

YearForMe

I don't know who you are asking....

but in the middle of the night......I sleep......

ODAT63

This last Saturday I went to CA with my fiance, I was already upset because I am a morning person and he is a night person, when we 'FINALLY" went to eat breakfast I was being playful with the lid of the buffet bar, my fiancee gave me a rolling the eyes look, I Immediately shot down, steal doors went up and he could not reach me and I could not get out for an entire day....What helped me was prayer, calling my sister and reading this forum which happened to have a thread on silent treatment .....wow....I did a 360 (back to basics). I am going to my therapist tonight....so yes any input here will help me too, so far I feel like some of us are just taking things way to personal...but then I am very sick person right now and need help.!!

LoveMeNow

Untreated codependency is much like an active addicts behavior. Common behaviors are to blame shift, deflect, manipulate, and deny their own issues.

I wish you well in your journey.

cece1960

I have unapproved several posts that violate the rules of SR, as well as posts that may have quoted the offending posts.
Try and stay on track and refrain from personal attacks, or the thread will be closed.

If you don't like the question, then move on to the next thread
If you don't like an answer, then move on to the next post.

helpme33

Seek,
I think we are all different and have different methods to cope (relax) that work for us. I have a close relative that can go for a long brisk walk and come back with their emotions in check.

I am one that holds things inside and has a harder time letting go. I meditate and when I am too emotionally worked up to relax enough to meditate I drink plenty of camomille (?) tea to try and relax. Going to the gym helps me and keeping a journal. I read my spiritual books daily. I was having panic attacks. Find hobbies that you enjoy. Doing these things for months has helped me with anxiety.

I have a 34yo that threatens suicide, conned me last year for money for months before I finally wised up, hacked into my computer, and I have had to call the police to keep the gf (I met her 1 time) from harrassing me. He currently is no contact with me and sadly it has been peaceful.

We can not control life situations, especially theirs. You did not state what information is getting you upset, but it is your decision to talk to them or not. I do not tell many of my friends and family what is happening because I do not want to be reminded of it on a daily basis.

My son may actually committ suicide and I have facted the fact that there is not one thing I can do to stop his behavior. Counseling also helped me.

There is no one thing that works for everyone - so try them all and find the ones that work for you.

(((life can be so unfair sometimes)))

seek

Thank you! Such good ideas - I love camomile tea, but I forget about it. Walking also helps me quite a bit. I also write in a journal and that helps.

Thank you for also sharing a little bit about your struggle with your son.

I spoke to my grandson this weekend and it was unpleasant, but I mostly recovered from that by going to the beach, praying, keeping busy with my life, etc. Then this morning, something someone said about him seeped into my mind and disturbed my serenity - I did a lot of prayer, which helped immensely. I am going to do other stuff, as well . . . I was just wondering what other people did because you never know what is going to happen next, so I assume everyone has their little repertoire of things they do when they feel their serenity slipping.

helpme33

Seek,
You're welcome!! It is true, we never know what their drama is going to bring each day. I find is I stay in a routine to help me each day the drama days are easier to handle too. Some days are easier than others though, the holidays were hard. I really don't know why, sometimes I would hear from my AS, sometimes not.

My AS seems to be determined to remain an irresponsible young man as long as he can. He started at a very early age and I have been in programs with him and without. I pray that something will click with him one day. It is still his choice and only he can make it.

I know addicts that were actually living on the streets, using heavy (or is it hard lol) drugs that have turned their lives around. Some were late 30's and 40's. I know 3 personally that have college degrees, high paying jobs with responsiblities, great marriages with great high functioning children. Never give up hope, just learn to detach from THEIR problems. Sometimes I can turn it over to my HP, sometimes it is very difficult. Sometimes I feel like two steps forward, three steps back!

The things I have learned from being married to an addict, and now a son, is there is nothing we can do. Worry doesn't help, they will lie to you, say what you want to hear, take your last dime. That is one thing counseling did for my AS, he is a very convincing liar! The ball is in their court, only they can help themselves when they are ready.

My son was doing much better and relapsed about two years ago. The girlie he is with is so immature at 37yo and I fear for him daily. They fight and he cuts himself, she came after him with a knife. They separated and she was put in detox, to my dismay I am sure they are together again. My health was starting to decline so I started looking after me. You take care of you. One thing in my favor is my husband of 13 years is not his father so he is not emotionally attached.

It is still not always easy. Yesterday I was OK, had a pleasant day, and for no reason almost starting crying driving to the store. There are no easy answers, and they are not loosers, just on a path that we (me) do not understand.

I am retired and just plain tired! (((huggs)))

crazybabie

I find that for me I am better off if I feel my feelings whatever they are but not for long then move on I move on by going to meetings, exercise, reading, a bubble bath, keeping my journal, remembering the 3 C's, prayer, watching a good movie, or a sad movie if I need to cry. I take and retake inventory of myself.

I use the Let Go Let God, One day at a time, etc...(slogans)

If i feel the need I sometimes have a small pity party and move on whatever works for me at the time.

seek

Thank you. I am also retired and tired. I have done a lot of coping, grieving, and healing in the last year. You never know when the feelings will come and now I don't even question them - I had a little crying session today and I can't even remember what prompted it. Sometimes it will be a place that triggers a memory, or something else I see as I go through my day . . .

You're right - I don't understand the path of the addict or alcoholic - and I do get stuck many times trying to "figure it out," which for me is impossible.

Today I had a short spell of yelling at his angels or guides for falling down on the job - I asked if they couldn't yell to him in his dreams or something (half kidding and half serious) . . .

LoveMeNow

Journaling all my thoughts an feelings without ever lifting my pen off the paper works for me. And if that doesn't work, some ice cream usually helps.

KariSue

I vent to a friend or my husband and just try to go on with things I need or want to do. I try not to burden the same person all the time.

One thing I try to do is visualize the problem as sitting in my right hand and my rest of my day and its activities in the left hand. I can see myself putting what is my right hand down for a minute while I go do something in my left hand. That gives me the feeling that I'm not ignoring it but just putting it aside till later. Kind of like Scarlet O'Hara. "I won't think about that now, I'll think about it tomorrow." I know it sounds a little nutty but it is my way of telling myself that my AS is not the only thing that gets my attention. MY needs are important too and I refuse to spend all my energy with his drama. The rest of my family deserves attention too. Later, if I want to, I can pick it up again and get angry as hell if I want to. Like last night, I wanted to and did. Sometimes you just gotta get angry and not worry about getting angry. We sure as heck have every right to!

Oh and sometimes I will take steps in my mind or physically to plan ahead things that make me feel comforted or happy. For example, I am considering going for counseling for ME to deal with him. So one day I sat on the internet for quite some time going through the names of counselors in my area and putting them into a folder. So far I haven't called but the act of doing that made me feel better. Another thing is that my husband and I are planning a vacation for sometime in the future. So if I'm upset I imagine getting away and different ways to add some more money to our vacation to Washington D.C. fund which is where we want to go.

Kari