My boyfriend
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
My boyfriend
I was posting on the Newcomer area and someone suggested i come here. i cant seem to put the link in but I will copy my original post and a reply post I made to some people that were kind to reply to me. if you have the time to read, thank you.
My boyfriend uses drugs; weird introduction but that is what brings me here. Im not here to trash him for what he is doing. But I would like to better understand, get more knowledge so Ive been reading and looking around for information. He has talked to me about his use of drugs. He uses cocaine on an almost daily basis, mdma and pain drugs like Vicodin, Oxycontin less frequently. He says he has cut out most of the drugs except cocaine since we have been together. He has used both a few times because I have been able to tell. With the cocaine he seems to act normal except without it he says he gets anxious, depressed and he is afraid to stop, and doesn’t want to be prescribed other drugs for those conditions.
He spent time at my parents on Christmas, and then went over to visit his parents. I have met them, but there is a lot of tension in that house. They had a bunch of relatives coming over, and he felt obligated to go by. He didn’t want me to have to leave my family, so he went alone. It was a disaster. He came back from that so upset, filled with all these feelings that they instill in him of being a failure, disappointing them, not living up to his potential, past mistakes are brought back out and trotted around. He felt humiliated in front of other members of his family. He called me so upset, and I knew his first impulse was to go get high. I talked him into coming back to my parents. He had been using coke by the time he got there, but he wasn’t really messed up. No one could even tell but me. We stayed for hours more, had a good time. My family was nice to him, made him feel welcome. Then he came home with me, and all the emotions started pouring out again over how bad he feels about himself. The things is he is not a failure, or a complete mess. He has a good job, and pays his bills. He is a sweet guy, and treats me wonderfully and we have a good relationship. I don’t have experience with drug use, or addiction on a personal level other than this.
I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide his use from me, or be too ashamed to admit when he uses, or what he is feeling before or after. Im not angry about his using because it hasn’t affected me, or our relationship negatively, but at the same time I realize what he is doing isn’t normal, and that does have an effect on our relationship, and probably what our future looks like. Im also scared for him, because I know how dangerous this stuff is and I don’t want him to get worse. I don’t know why Im picking right now to post. I think to be brutally honest, we have been spending a lot of time together, and I am realizing how much I care for him; I am in love with him. Things have been very intense between us and I love it, and also am a little frightened by it. The fear comes mostly from realizing my boyfriend is a addicted to drugs !
I am not posting here because I think I can save him from himself. I get that. Its like trying to force a person to lose weight. You cant really do that. I mean you could take all the junk food out of the house, cook healthy meals, but they will still stop off at the drive through for a triple burger and fries before they come home to eat the steamed vegetables you’ve cooked, and then sneak cookies from their hiding spot. Not as deadly as drug use, but similar, and I think it takes a similar mentality to want to change.
So here I am looking for the opinions of others.Open fire on what Im doing wrong, what Im doing right, what is the best method of treatment to help him IF he is willing to try, experiences with medications to overcome the withdrawals and even out his anxiety. I know some people will tell me to run away, but right now I am not in that place. I want to be here with him.
This was a reply post I made.
I do think he wants to stop using. He has told me he does, but also I think he is scared, and I really don’t know if he has what it takes yet to get all the way through dealing with the anxiety, depression, cravings, triggers. But we talked about it, and we have both been reading online and gathering information. He has been doing this because he showed me some things he found. So he knows Im reading and looking to and he is ok with it.
He is also afraid of letting very many people know what is going on, afraid because of his job. That is having a big impact on him right now and he says he cant do a lot of things. Part of it is true, but I think he might be a little paranoid also.
He knows he is not going to be able to pursue the career he wants if he keeps this up. He knows he is headed for disaster from what he says, but it so far has not been enough to make him stop. Its like feeling that way only makes him think less of himself and that makes him want to use more.That is why I don’t want him to try to hide what he is doing from me, and I don’t want to pressure him, make him feel worse. But at the same time, I walk a thin line because I don’t want him to ever think this is acceptable long term to me. Does that make sense?
He does use to numb himself sometimes. Like when he got upset with his parents the other night. Its not always that, but he does do this. I can see it and it does scare me for what is to come if he doesn’t stop.
My boyfriend uses drugs; weird introduction but that is what brings me here. Im not here to trash him for what he is doing. But I would like to better understand, get more knowledge so Ive been reading and looking around for information. He has talked to me about his use of drugs. He uses cocaine on an almost daily basis, mdma and pain drugs like Vicodin, Oxycontin less frequently. He says he has cut out most of the drugs except cocaine since we have been together. He has used both a few times because I have been able to tell. With the cocaine he seems to act normal except without it he says he gets anxious, depressed and he is afraid to stop, and doesn’t want to be prescribed other drugs for those conditions.
He spent time at my parents on Christmas, and then went over to visit his parents. I have met them, but there is a lot of tension in that house. They had a bunch of relatives coming over, and he felt obligated to go by. He didn’t want me to have to leave my family, so he went alone. It was a disaster. He came back from that so upset, filled with all these feelings that they instill in him of being a failure, disappointing them, not living up to his potential, past mistakes are brought back out and trotted around. He felt humiliated in front of other members of his family. He called me so upset, and I knew his first impulse was to go get high. I talked him into coming back to my parents. He had been using coke by the time he got there, but he wasn’t really messed up. No one could even tell but me. We stayed for hours more, had a good time. My family was nice to him, made him feel welcome. Then he came home with me, and all the emotions started pouring out again over how bad he feels about himself. The things is he is not a failure, or a complete mess. He has a good job, and pays his bills. He is a sweet guy, and treats me wonderfully and we have a good relationship. I don’t have experience with drug use, or addiction on a personal level other than this.
I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide his use from me, or be too ashamed to admit when he uses, or what he is feeling before or after. Im not angry about his using because it hasn’t affected me, or our relationship negatively, but at the same time I realize what he is doing isn’t normal, and that does have an effect on our relationship, and probably what our future looks like. Im also scared for him, because I know how dangerous this stuff is and I don’t want him to get worse. I don’t know why Im picking right now to post. I think to be brutally honest, we have been spending a lot of time together, and I am realizing how much I care for him; I am in love with him. Things have been very intense between us and I love it, and also am a little frightened by it. The fear comes mostly from realizing my boyfriend is a addicted to drugs !
I am not posting here because I think I can save him from himself. I get that. Its like trying to force a person to lose weight. You cant really do that. I mean you could take all the junk food out of the house, cook healthy meals, but they will still stop off at the drive through for a triple burger and fries before they come home to eat the steamed vegetables you’ve cooked, and then sneak cookies from their hiding spot. Not as deadly as drug use, but similar, and I think it takes a similar mentality to want to change.
So here I am looking for the opinions of others.Open fire on what Im doing wrong, what Im doing right, what is the best method of treatment to help him IF he is willing to try, experiences with medications to overcome the withdrawals and even out his anxiety. I know some people will tell me to run away, but right now I am not in that place. I want to be here with him.
This was a reply post I made.
I do think he wants to stop using. He has told me he does, but also I think he is scared, and I really don’t know if he has what it takes yet to get all the way through dealing with the anxiety, depression, cravings, triggers. But we talked about it, and we have both been reading online and gathering information. He has been doing this because he showed me some things he found. So he knows Im reading and looking to and he is ok with it.
He is also afraid of letting very many people know what is going on, afraid because of his job. That is having a big impact on him right now and he says he cant do a lot of things. Part of it is true, but I think he might be a little paranoid also.
He knows he is not going to be able to pursue the career he wants if he keeps this up. He knows he is headed for disaster from what he says, but it so far has not been enough to make him stop. Its like feeling that way only makes him think less of himself and that makes him want to use more.That is why I don’t want him to try to hide what he is doing from me, and I don’t want to pressure him, make him feel worse. But at the same time, I walk a thin line because I don’t want him to ever think this is acceptable long term to me. Does that make sense?
He does use to numb himself sometimes. Like when he got upset with his parents the other night. Its not always that, but he does do this. I can see it and it does scare me for what is to come if he doesn’t stop.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Welcome to SR... Your post was all about your ABF.. What about you? What are you doing to cope? You are right in that you can't fix him.. It takes a lot of people a long time to understand that.. But even with you knowing this you still seem very focused on him, his addiction, his problems... You have to take that focus off of him and put it on you.. Being in a relationship with and addict is NO FUN.. Be prepared for the lies, the sleepless nights, no trust whatsoever and putting in 100 percent into a relationship that you may only get 50 percent back in return...
Keep reading here, keep posting here... No one is going to judge you so please write out what your going through and get yourself to some alanon meetings because if you are going to be in a relationship with an addict in active addiction your going to need a HUGE support system!!!
Keep reading here, keep posting here... No one is going to judge you so please write out what your going through and get yourself to some alanon meetings because if you are going to be in a relationship with an addict in active addiction your going to need a HUGE support system!!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of the Family & Friends Forums and cynical one's blogs which can be accessed at the top of this page. I would also suggest that you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Knowledge is power, you are just beginning your journey into dealing with an addict. Strap yourself in, you are in for one heck of a bumpy ride.
He has a progressive disease that has no cure. He will get worse if he does not hop on the recovery train for life, relapses are common and few recover for life.
He has a progressive disease that has no cure. He will get worse if he does not hop on the recovery train for life, relapses are common and few recover for life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find answers here. Be prepared.....you may hear (read) things that you don't want to hear (or aren't ready). Every person on this forum understands what it's like to love an addict. And if our love could cure them, the forum would not need to exist.
Addiction is a baffling and cunning disease. You're absolutely right about one thing....you can't make him stop no more than you could force a person to lose weight. You've got that concept down well.
Addiction is progressive. It doesn't go away. It can be in a remission of sorts if the person is highly motivated. What does it mean that it is progressive?.....it gets worse. Much worse.
My best suggestion for you at this point is to educate yourself. Read about codependence so that you understand the behaviors (yours) that can exacerbate the problem. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is probably the best book on that topic. Read about addiction so that you can understand it better.
Proceed with caution. One of the things that is very typical of an addict is they ramp up fast to get a relationship established. They can be the most charming, sweet people in the world but there is the "other side" that can be very manipulative and scary. They often know you better than you know yourself and they can spot a codependent in the next State. Those are the people they need in their life to continue their addicton. My son is hollywood handsome......charming.......funny.......the very thing ANY woman would fall in love with........but he should come with a warning label.
One of the first things my AXH (addicted exhusband) did was align me with him against his family.....specifically his parents. They didn't treat him well. They didn't love him. They made him uncomfortable. They didn't trust him. The part he DIDN'T tell me is that he had made their lives a living hell.....for years.
Daily cocaine use is expensive......very expensive. If he's making a LOT of money, it may be affordable (that doesn't excuse it, it simply may make it less noticable that it is affecting him financially). If he's not making a royal boat load of money.......it's simply not possible to afford cocaine on a daily basis unless he is a) really using something else that's cheaper b) augmenting his income (often with dealing or other illegal activity).
There's no rush. Love has no specific time line. Since you are going into this with your headlights on, there's no reason to move too fast. Keep your foot on the brake and make sure that you've got a good handle on your own emotions and behaviors.
These are the same words I would use with a very dear friend or my own daughter....
gentle hugs
ke
Addiction is a baffling and cunning disease. You're absolutely right about one thing....you can't make him stop no more than you could force a person to lose weight. You've got that concept down well.
Addiction is progressive. It doesn't go away. It can be in a remission of sorts if the person is highly motivated. What does it mean that it is progressive?.....it gets worse. Much worse.
My best suggestion for you at this point is to educate yourself. Read about codependence so that you understand the behaviors (yours) that can exacerbate the problem. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is probably the best book on that topic. Read about addiction so that you can understand it better.
Proceed with caution. One of the things that is very typical of an addict is they ramp up fast to get a relationship established. They can be the most charming, sweet people in the world but there is the "other side" that can be very manipulative and scary. They often know you better than you know yourself and they can spot a codependent in the next State. Those are the people they need in their life to continue their addicton. My son is hollywood handsome......charming.......funny.......the very thing ANY woman would fall in love with........but he should come with a warning label.
One of the first things my AXH (addicted exhusband) did was align me with him against his family.....specifically his parents. They didn't treat him well. They didn't love him. They made him uncomfortable. They didn't trust him. The part he DIDN'T tell me is that he had made their lives a living hell.....for years.
Daily cocaine use is expensive......very expensive. If he's making a LOT of money, it may be affordable (that doesn't excuse it, it simply may make it less noticable that it is affecting him financially). If he's not making a royal boat load of money.......it's simply not possible to afford cocaine on a daily basis unless he is a) really using something else that's cheaper b) augmenting his income (often with dealing or other illegal activity).
There's no rush. Love has no specific time line. Since you are going into this with your headlights on, there's no reason to move too fast. Keep your foot on the brake and make sure that you've got a good handle on your own emotions and behaviors.
These are the same words I would use with a very dear friend or my own daughter....
gentle hugs
ke
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
Proceed with caution. One of the things that is very typical of an addict is they ramp up fast to get a relationship established. They can be the most charming, sweet people in the world but there is the "other side" that can be very manipulative and scary. They often know you better than you know yourself and they can spot a codependent in the next State. Those are the people they need in their life to continue their addicton. My son is hollywood handsome......charming.......funny.......the very thing ANY woman would fall in love with........but he should come with a warning label.
One of the first things my AXH (addicted exhusband) did was align me with him against his family.....specifically his parents. They didn't treat him well. They didn't love him. They made him uncomfortable. They didn't trust him. The part he DIDN'T tell me is that he had made their lives a living hell.....for years.
ke
One of the first things my AXH (addicted exhusband) did was align me with him against his family.....specifically his parents. They didn't treat him well. They didn't love him. They made him uncomfortable. They didn't trust him. The part he DIDN'T tell me is that he had made their lives a living hell.....for years.
ke
My ex was one of the most charming people I ever met. our relationship moved very fast. we married 6 months after we met.. it should have been a red flag to me that he was telling me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me after only knowing him for three weeks..of course he said these things, I was a vulnerable woman who had no clue what addiction was, how to deal with someone with addiction and had never heard the term codependancy. I just saw someone that I could 'help", could be accepted by his family for saving their son from addiction.. in the end his own family turned on me because they were so far in denial about his drug use.. I was the lier, the controling bitch etc...
gahhhhhh!!!! so glad I'm so far away and out of that disaster now..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: tn
Posts: 101
The drugs are just a symptom of the problem. The problem will be personal issues that only ur boyfriend can fix. His family doesn't make him use. It is his reaction to certain situations. I had these same issues. I had to get professional help to address these issues and learn how to deal with life without using. Your boyfriend has to be the one to fix these issues. You can however be supportive of his journey if he choose to get clean. Just be careful not to try to fix this yourself. Stay strong and listen to people who have exerienced this similar situation. I wish u the best. Your pal in recovery...Wes...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me. I will read more later as I dont have a lot of time right now. I saw a list of suggested reading on the newcomers area I think it was. If anyone has other book suggestions that would be great.
I have two books that I have started reading.one is more a clinical type book on addiction and counseling but it goes through lots of information and I have found it very helpful.It is actually a book that my boyfriend brought in. The other book I have started is called Broken the story of addiction and redemption I think is the title. its more of a biographical type book.
thank you again. will be back.
I have two books that I have started reading.one is more a clinical type book on addiction and counseling but it goes through lots of information and I have found it very helpful.It is actually a book that my boyfriend brought in. The other book I have started is called Broken the story of addiction and redemption I think is the title. its more of a biographical type book.
thank you again. will be back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by Wesley423
The drugs are just a symptom of the problem. The problem will be personal issues that only ur boyfriend can fix. His family doesn't make him use. It is his reaction to certain situations. I had these same issues. I had to get professional help to address these issues and learn how to deal with life without using. Your boyfriend has to be the one to fix these issues. You can however be supportive of his journey if he choose to get clean. Just be careful not to try to fix this yourself. Stay strong and listen to people who have exerienced this similar situation. I wish u the best. Your pal in recovery...Wes...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: tn
Posts: 101
I'm my case I had a similar issues. I would not express my anger. I would use. Anger, frustration, sadness, etc. are all normal emotions. how u deal with them is the key. I'm my case it was to stuff my emotions to the side and use. Ur situation sounds a lot like mine. Get all the information u can and talk to ur bf. Make an educated decision on the best treatment option for him. Your pal in recovery...Wes...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Dasiydoc)) - I'm so glad you found your way to this forum! I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and have loved ones who are still using/drinking and I swear...I would not be coming up on 6 years in recovery if it weren't for the great people here!
I started using because I was in love with an alcoholic, and I couldn't deal with not being able to "fix" him. I just couldn't BE the person who would make him want to stop drinking.
Most people don't go to that extreme, but I did and it started me on a long and rough road of addiction.
Since I've been here, I've learned so much! It's OKAY to take care of us, in fact it's pretty darned important! Yes, we may feel guilt and other feelings, but they are just feelings. Sometimes we have to work through the feelings to get to the other side.
If your bf wants to recover, more power to him. Just realize that it's HIS recovery. He needs to be around/in touch with other RAs (IMO). It's not a bad thing that you can't be his main support...you aren't an A (addict/alcoholic) and that's a GOOD thing.
If I've learned anything, it's that A's need to work THEIR recovery, and we loved ones need to work OURS. What we (the loved ones) need is important.
As an RA, I know that rebuilding trust took time and action. I could say "I'm sorry" all day long. Words were nothing. Actions spoke volumes.
If your bf is talking about recovery but not doing anything? To me, that's manipulation. And to be clear, when I was using, I didn't KNOW I was manipulating, I was just holding onto my addiction as if it was my lifeline.
When I stopped talking and started doing? People noticed. I don't do meetings, though I have in the past and I use what I learned there. I was accountable, I paid bills, I worked. There were times I felt like a teenager (I live at home) with the accountability thing but ya know what? I brought that on myself.
Almost 6 years later, my family considers me their "rock". I do what I say I'm going to do, I answer phone calls, I'm where I say I'm going to be. TBH, I've been that way for a loooong time.
I had to admit that I deserved distrust. Hard to swallow, but I did it because I wanted recovery more than anything.
Same thing with my loved ones who are still A's. Talk is cheap, actions are what matters.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I started using because I was in love with an alcoholic, and I couldn't deal with not being able to "fix" him. I just couldn't BE the person who would make him want to stop drinking.
Most people don't go to that extreme, but I did and it started me on a long and rough road of addiction.
Since I've been here, I've learned so much! It's OKAY to take care of us, in fact it's pretty darned important! Yes, we may feel guilt and other feelings, but they are just feelings. Sometimes we have to work through the feelings to get to the other side.
If your bf wants to recover, more power to him. Just realize that it's HIS recovery. He needs to be around/in touch with other RAs (IMO). It's not a bad thing that you can't be his main support...you aren't an A (addict/alcoholic) and that's a GOOD thing.
If I've learned anything, it's that A's need to work THEIR recovery, and we loved ones need to work OURS. What we (the loved ones) need is important.
As an RA, I know that rebuilding trust took time and action. I could say "I'm sorry" all day long. Words were nothing. Actions spoke volumes.
If your bf is talking about recovery but not doing anything? To me, that's manipulation. And to be clear, when I was using, I didn't KNOW I was manipulating, I was just holding onto my addiction as if it was my lifeline.
When I stopped talking and started doing? People noticed. I don't do meetings, though I have in the past and I use what I learned there. I was accountable, I paid bills, I worked. There were times I felt like a teenager (I live at home) with the accountability thing but ya know what? I brought that on myself.
Almost 6 years later, my family considers me their "rock". I do what I say I'm going to do, I answer phone calls, I'm where I say I'm going to be. TBH, I've been that way for a loooong time.
I had to admit that I deserved distrust. Hard to swallow, but I did it because I wanted recovery more than anything.
Same thing with my loved ones who are still A's. Talk is cheap, actions are what matters.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
My husband is also an addict and for years all I heard was how badly his family treated him. He forgot to mention how much the drugs influenced the family dynamics.
He was sober for 2 years and in that time he did a 180 with his family, he enjoyed spending time with him and he would spend hours having pleasant conversations with them. He was respectful and enjoyed the family gatherings.
You seem to want to stay in this relationship for the long haul. Just remember that you CANNOT have a healthy, happy relationship while drugs are in the picture. It's like being with 2 totally different people, the sober guy and the one that is high.
I'm glad you are looking to educate yourself with books, and I wish you both the best of luck in fighting this addiction. Just keep your eyes open and always trust your gut. Addicts are master liars and manipulators and sometimes it takes years for loved ones to catch on to how bad things really are.
He was sober for 2 years and in that time he did a 180 with his family, he enjoyed spending time with him and he would spend hours having pleasant conversations with them. He was respectful and enjoyed the family gatherings.
You seem to want to stay in this relationship for the long haul. Just remember that you CANNOT have a healthy, happy relationship while drugs are in the picture. It's like being with 2 totally different people, the sober guy and the one that is high.
I'm glad you are looking to educate yourself with books, and I wish you both the best of luck in fighting this addiction. Just keep your eyes open and always trust your gut. Addicts are master liars and manipulators and sometimes it takes years for loved ones to catch on to how bad things really are.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Two books that are a must read for anyone in a relationship with an addict or even a recovering addict for that matter
Co Dependent No more by Melodie Beattie
Woman Who Love Too Much by Robin Norewood..
Cannot even begin to tell you how much these books impacted me...
Co Dependent No more by Melodie Beattie
Woman Who Love Too Much by Robin Norewood..
Cannot even begin to tell you how much these books impacted me...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by jerect
Two books that are a must read for anyone in a relationship with an addict or even a recovering addict for that matter
Co Dependent No more by Melodie Beattie
Woman Who Love Too Much by Robin Norewood..
Cannot even begin to tell you how much these books impacted me...
Co Dependent No more by Melodie Beattie
Woman Who Love Too Much by Robin Norewood..
Cannot even begin to tell you how much these books impacted me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Thanks for the book ideas. I have read only one sticky and a whole thread by Pock and that was really emotional to read. I have to read in bits and pieces because of time issues right now.
I should give a little more background maybe?
My boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We are both on the same career path and are in the same program/internship.We slowly became friends, and that built up into our both realizing we had feelings that were more. We tackled it slowly, sort of afraid because we didn't want to mess up our friendship or make it uncomfortable as we have this working relationship also. I found out about his using the drugs while we were friends. He admitted it to me and told me of some problems it caused for him and with his family a few months prior to our meeting. I'm telling you this because I dont want anyone to think this happened fast for us, or that he has been hiding anything from me.
I've been reading here and I see a lot of stuff about "relationships",and things to teach you how to have a "healthy relationship", be an overall emotionally healthy person. Its sort of funny because in some cases, I mean I think you could zip out the word ‘addict’ and replace it with reference to “any unhealthy relationship person” and it would all be the same. Ive had to think a lot about why the focus here is on this type of stuff, and I guess it is because most addicts put their relationships in a whirlwind of emotions, unacceptable behavior, hopes for change, disappointments and it affects those that love them.But what I don’t understand exactly, is there something about the addicted person that causes those they love to get caught up in it so drastically? Or was the loved one already sort of like that before the addict came along, and the two just play off each other?
Ive got to do some thinking on what Im going to do if his behavior starts to change. I mean do I really stick with my general expectations, or do I cut him some slack? Doesn’t seem right to do that because if he doesn’t stop then he will just get worse, and then you would be lowering your expectations all the time.But then I can see cutting him some slack if he was working on quitting, and was depressed, anxious, moody for a while. Need to think more about this obviously.
Right now my boyfriend seems to be balancing everything ok. He treats me so far the way I expect to be treated: with respect, thoughtfulness, consideration for my time and feelings. I won't accept abuse, and this includes verbally being cursed at, belittled as a woman or a person. my feelings won't be minimized, my ideas will be equally important, I'm all for mutual compromise when there are issues in the relationship,but I won't compromise my values or ethics (and no I dont have a rule about another’s drug use or drinking unless it turns them into someone I don't like, and then Im free to break things off I would think). If we make plans, then that's a priority unless work comes up, or an emergency, and then I expect to be informed not stood up. But I would return the same courtesy. I'm not settling for crumbs of time if someone is out partying. Im attracted to guys that generally have their life together, or who are at least on a path to take them to where they want to be. I feel like I bring that to the table, and should expect that in return
.
After reading here, it sounds almost impossible that my boyfriend will be able to be what I need if he continues progressing with his drug use. I think my expectations are really off based on what I read here happening to other people. But right now he is balancing everything, and it is so confusing. We spent the weekend together, went skiing, had a really good time, he was sweet and gentle, and we had so much fun together. He told me he didn’t need to get high because there was so much adrenalin rush from skiing. We have only been home a couple hours, we both have to work tonight, he did a couple of lines of coke already, and said he had to go out and pick up some more and would be back in 20 minutes because it was going to be a long night. seriously? Im thinking I will have a long night too, but I dont need to get high to get through it.
I should give a little more background maybe?
My boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We are both on the same career path and are in the same program/internship.We slowly became friends, and that built up into our both realizing we had feelings that were more. We tackled it slowly, sort of afraid because we didn't want to mess up our friendship or make it uncomfortable as we have this working relationship also. I found out about his using the drugs while we were friends. He admitted it to me and told me of some problems it caused for him and with his family a few months prior to our meeting. I'm telling you this because I dont want anyone to think this happened fast for us, or that he has been hiding anything from me.
I've been reading here and I see a lot of stuff about "relationships",and things to teach you how to have a "healthy relationship", be an overall emotionally healthy person. Its sort of funny because in some cases, I mean I think you could zip out the word ‘addict’ and replace it with reference to “any unhealthy relationship person” and it would all be the same. Ive had to think a lot about why the focus here is on this type of stuff, and I guess it is because most addicts put their relationships in a whirlwind of emotions, unacceptable behavior, hopes for change, disappointments and it affects those that love them.But what I don’t understand exactly, is there something about the addicted person that causes those they love to get caught up in it so drastically? Or was the loved one already sort of like that before the addict came along, and the two just play off each other?
Ive got to do some thinking on what Im going to do if his behavior starts to change. I mean do I really stick with my general expectations, or do I cut him some slack? Doesn’t seem right to do that because if he doesn’t stop then he will just get worse, and then you would be lowering your expectations all the time.But then I can see cutting him some slack if he was working on quitting, and was depressed, anxious, moody for a while. Need to think more about this obviously.
Right now my boyfriend seems to be balancing everything ok. He treats me so far the way I expect to be treated: with respect, thoughtfulness, consideration for my time and feelings. I won't accept abuse, and this includes verbally being cursed at, belittled as a woman or a person. my feelings won't be minimized, my ideas will be equally important, I'm all for mutual compromise when there are issues in the relationship,but I won't compromise my values or ethics (and no I dont have a rule about another’s drug use or drinking unless it turns them into someone I don't like, and then Im free to break things off I would think). If we make plans, then that's a priority unless work comes up, or an emergency, and then I expect to be informed not stood up. But I would return the same courtesy. I'm not settling for crumbs of time if someone is out partying. Im attracted to guys that generally have their life together, or who are at least on a path to take them to where they want to be. I feel like I bring that to the table, and should expect that in return
.
After reading here, it sounds almost impossible that my boyfriend will be able to be what I need if he continues progressing with his drug use. I think my expectations are really off based on what I read here happening to other people. But right now he is balancing everything, and it is so confusing. We spent the weekend together, went skiing, had a really good time, he was sweet and gentle, and we had so much fun together. He told me he didn’t need to get high because there was so much adrenalin rush from skiing. We have only been home a couple hours, we both have to work tonight, he did a couple of lines of coke already, and said he had to go out and pick up some more and would be back in 20 minutes because it was going to be a long night. seriously? Im thinking I will have a long night too, but I dont need to get high to get through it.
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But what I don’t understand exactly, is there something about the addicted person that causes those they love to get caught up in it so drastically? Or was the loved one already sort of like that before the addict came along, and the two just play off each other?
In many cases some of us here are codependent and that is how we come about playing the song and dance, add to that the fact that if either of your parents are addicts or alcoholics then one has a 50 percent chance of either marrying one or becoming one.
Lastly, addicts have a way of being capable of knowing who we are they have a bloodhound nose when it comes to sniffing out an enabler.
In many cases some of us here are codependent and that is how we come about playing the song and dance, add to that the fact that if either of your parents are addicts or alcoholics then one has a 50 percent chance of either marrying one or becoming one.
Lastly, addicts have a way of being capable of knowing who we are they have a bloodhound nose when it comes to sniffing out an enabler.
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" He did a couple of lines of coke already, and said he had to go out and pick up some more and would be back in 20 minutes because it was going to be a long night. seriously? Im thinking I will have a long night too, but I dont need to get high to get through it. "
And, you are ok with this?
And, you are ok with this?
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by Wesley423
The drugs are just a symptom of the problem. The problem will be personal issues that only ur boyfriend can fix. His family doesn't make him use. It is his reaction to certain situations. I had these same issues. I had to get professional help to address these issues and learn how to deal with life without using. Your boyfriend has to be the one to fix these issues. You can however be supportive of his journey if he choose to get clean. Just be careful not to try to fix this yourself. Stay strong and listen to people who have exerienced this similar situation. I wish u the best. Your pal in recovery...Wes...
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Originally Posted by dollydo
" He did a couple of lines of coke already, and said he had to go out and pick up some more and would be back in 20 minutes because it was going to be a long night. seriously? Im thinking I will have a long night too, but I dont need to get high to get through it. "
And, you are ok with this?
And, you are ok with this?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by Sara21
My husband is also an addict and for years all I heard was how badly his family treated him. He forgot to mention how much the drugs influenced the family dynamics.
He was sober for 2 years and in that time he did a 180 with his family, he enjoyed spending time with him and he would spend hours having pleasant conversations with them. He was respectful and enjoyed the family gatherings.
You seem to want to stay in this relationship for the long haul. Just remember that you CANNOT have a healthy, happy relationship while drugs are in the picture. It's like being with 2 totally different people, the sober guy and the one that is high.
I'm glad you are looking to educate yourself with books, and I wish you both the best of luck in fighting this addiction. Just keep your eyes open and always trust your gut. Addicts are master liars and manipulators and sometimes it takes years for loved ones to catch on to how bad things really are.
He was sober for 2 years and in that time he did a 180 with his family, he enjoyed spending time with him and he would spend hours having pleasant conversations with them. He was respectful and enjoyed the family gatherings.
You seem to want to stay in this relationship for the long haul. Just remember that you CANNOT have a healthy, happy relationship while drugs are in the picture. It's like being with 2 totally different people, the sober guy and the one that is high.
I'm glad you are looking to educate yourself with books, and I wish you both the best of luck in fighting this addiction. Just keep your eyes open and always trust your gut. Addicts are master liars and manipulators and sometimes it takes years for loved ones to catch on to how bad things really are.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Im interested in learning about the family programs. I see you have an online meeting here. Can you tell me what it is, or what happens?
and I have been reading about the alanon groups. Are the meetings mostly where you can talk with others and share situations, or is it where its focused on working the 12 steps?
A few weeks ago I went to an NA meeting with my boyfriend. it was the first either of us had been to. We went to one that was far away from where we live because he has this horrible fear of someone finding out about his drug problem. it was mostly people talking and sharing, and then a little bit of an inspirational talk type of thing. He doesnt have much interest to go back to one again. Im not really sure that format is right for him.
and I have been reading about the alanon groups. Are the meetings mostly where you can talk with others and share situations, or is it where its focused on working the 12 steps?
A few weeks ago I went to an NA meeting with my boyfriend. it was the first either of us had been to. We went to one that was far away from where we live because he has this horrible fear of someone finding out about his drug problem. it was mostly people talking and sharing, and then a little bit of an inspirational talk type of thing. He doesnt have much interest to go back to one again. Im not really sure that format is right for him.
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