How do you just not tell yourself that these people..
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Originally Posted by DoubleBarrel 
I agree with you. All the rage in the world, however, hasnt given me the insight that I gained when I realized that my mother was beaten by her alcoholic father, and when I imagined her as a scared little girl, the compassion that instilled took a ton of resentment with it.
It was a relief.
It was a relief.
I hear you! :ghug3
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Originally Posted by interrupted
Thanks just wasn't enough for this one. If the thread is too triggering, sometimes it's better to just step away for a while. I do it all the time.
I arrived at this board just as mad as Red, I think many of us did. Living with that kind of anger sucks the life out of you, and it will creep into and destroy your healthy relationships, relationships that have nothing to do with the addict. It will steal all of the joy from your life and replace it with grief. Allowing yourself to continue to hold that deep resentment is allowing the addict to continue to have control over your feelings. And that's not on them, that's on you and me.
Yes, we were wronged, but I choose to let it go. Choosing anything else is allowing yourself to be wronged over and over again, and you own that.
I arrived at this board just as mad as Red, I think many of us did. Living with that kind of anger sucks the life out of you, and it will creep into and destroy your healthy relationships, relationships that have nothing to do with the addict. It will steal all of the joy from your life and replace it with grief. Allowing yourself to continue to hold that deep resentment is allowing the addict to continue to have control over your feelings. And that's not on them, that's on you and me.
Yes, we were wronged, but I choose to let it go. Choosing anything else is allowing yourself to be wronged over and over again, and you own that.
I don't feel wronged, at all, I really never did, I got it that it was my responsibility to climb out of the hole I was in, but I also know the fear, the sorrow, the sheer agony I felt around both of our pain, my a and I shared a lot of pain, that in an of itself makes it all that more difficult to break free.
I love him dearly, for the person I know him to be sober, he made a different choice, the realization of that made me very angry, until I started looking at his side of the sickness. The anger I felt was only there to cover up the hurt, but I had to come to that on my own. Allowing myself to feel the anger was a feat in and of itself.
Not triggering at all, just sharing my experience.
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I know you are hurting RedBaron. I don't know the situation with your addict, but it sounds like a fine idea to add him to your list of people to remove from your life if so much pain is being brought your way.
I think addiction takes many forms. This is something I have a better grasp on since reading here on SR. I had never given much thought to the consequences, obstacles faced by people who grew up in addictive households or neighborhoods. There is an actual struggle just to break free of what has always been considered "the norm" of drugs and alcohol abuse in their life.
I have also been touched by the many stories posted by parents of teenagers, or those barely stepping into adulthood. Quite often I feel these young people wade in without thinking, and they become trapped due to the physiological effects of the drug.
My son started abusing alcohol and substances as an inappropriate way to deal with grief. I have since met many others whose troubles started the same way.
There are many stories, many factors at play in most addiction issues. Some of it I will never relate to regardless of how I try; I realize this from reading here and being exposed to different ways of life.
I understand your feelings of anger and hurt, and I don't know the story of the addict in your life. If you know him well, then perhaps you know the true person behind the addiction. Maybe he is morally bankrupt and a danger to you & society; there are definitely people like this who I would find comfort in knowing could be removed from walking the streets, and committing crimes against the innocent. Although I would go a different way than "the ditch" to deal with them.
If I were to suggest you take one thing away from this discussion it would be to approach people/addicted people on a case by case basis. Sometimes there is a gem hidden among the rocks.
I think addiction takes many forms. This is something I have a better grasp on since reading here on SR. I had never given much thought to the consequences, obstacles faced by people who grew up in addictive households or neighborhoods. There is an actual struggle just to break free of what has always been considered "the norm" of drugs and alcohol abuse in their life.
I have also been touched by the many stories posted by parents of teenagers, or those barely stepping into adulthood. Quite often I feel these young people wade in without thinking, and they become trapped due to the physiological effects of the drug.
My son started abusing alcohol and substances as an inappropriate way to deal with grief. I have since met many others whose troubles started the same way.
There are many stories, many factors at play in most addiction issues. Some of it I will never relate to regardless of how I try; I realize this from reading here and being exposed to different ways of life.
I understand your feelings of anger and hurt, and I don't know the story of the addict in your life. If you know him well, then perhaps you know the true person behind the addiction. Maybe he is morally bankrupt and a danger to you & society; there are definitely people like this who I would find comfort in knowing could be removed from walking the streets, and committing crimes against the innocent. Although I would go a different way than "the ditch" to deal with them.
If I were to suggest you take one thing away from this discussion it would be to approach people/addicted people on a case by case basis. Sometimes there is a gem hidden among the rocks.
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Would also like to add; I'm a bit surprised to see so many compassionate replies in regards to the addict. On a typical day when I read on this forum, I come away sensing so much anger, hopelessness portrayed for the addict to their loved ones. I have often wondered how a person recovering from addiction; especially in the early stages would feel if they were to read here. Quite disheartened I would think; and have actually been told is true by a few I've chatted with off forum. Others, I know feel it is helpful to view the pain displayed by family here as they go through crisis, because it gives them a better understanding of the damage they have brought upon their own relationships.
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Originally Posted by Katiekate
Please don't assumed this thread is triggering for me, it's not.
I don't feel wronged, at all, I really never did, I got it that it was my responsibility to climb out of the hole I was in, but I also know the fear, the sorrow, the sheer agony I felt around both of our pain, my a and I shared a lot of pain, that in an of itself makes it all that more difficult to break free.
I love him dearly, for the person I know him to be sober, he made a different choice, the realization of that made me very angry, until I started looking at his side of the sickness. The anger I felt was only there to cover up the hurt, but I had to come to that on my own. Allowing myself to feel the anger was a feat in and of itself.
Not triggering at all, just sharing my experience.
I don't feel wronged, at all, I really never did, I got it that it was my responsibility to climb out of the hole I was in, but I also know the fear, the sorrow, the sheer agony I felt around both of our pain, my a and I shared a lot of pain, that in an of itself makes it all that more difficult to break free.
I love him dearly, for the person I know him to be sober, he made a different choice, the realization of that made me very angry, until I started looking at his side of the sickness. The anger I felt was only there to cover up the hurt, but I had to come to that on my own. Allowing myself to feel the anger was a feat in and of itself.
Not triggering at all, just sharing my experience.
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[QUOTE=MrsDragon;3707103] I'm a bit surprised to see so many compassionate replies in regards to the addict. On a typical day when I read on this forum, I come away sensing so much anger, hopelessness portrayed for the addict to their loved ones. I have often wondered how a person recovering from addiction; especially in the early stages would feel if they were to read here. Quite disheartened I would think; and have actually been told is true by a few I've chatted with off forum. /QUOTE]
Thanks for that Mrs. Dragon. You seem to have a fair bit of insight
Thanks for that Mrs. Dragon. You seem to have a fair bit of insight
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I think the message here is that hurt people hurt people!
There's no point pretending that the hurt of being lied to and betrayed by someone can be accepted because that person is an addict (not that I really think anyone is saying that here) and I think it's just as important for addicts to realise that although they may be blurring their own hurting emotions with substances or alcohol, those around them are not and feel each lie or betrayal keenly. And usually they themselves would be horrified at what they're doing if they were thinking clearly.
And the fact that loved ones of addicts then feeling like hurting the person who hurt them back is kind of human. It's not nice or wise but it's human.
It's important to realise that people with addictions came there often through pain and are in pain with their addiction, it's no less important to realise that the ones close to that person also get hurt. It's like a pebble in a pond.
People hurt people in many different ways, this is just one of them. And people lie, cheat and steal without addictions too.
It hurts just the same. And if you love the person who's doing it to you, it hurts even more.
Addict or non-addict, we're all human and we all have feelings. How we handle them or don't handle them is up to us.
I don't think anyone is superior or inferior, I don't think we're all as different as we like to think we are. We all mostly get hurt by the same things.
Whether a person is an addict or not, it hurts to be betrayed if it's a love relationship!
How you deal with it, that's a different matter.
There's no point pretending that the hurt of being lied to and betrayed by someone can be accepted because that person is an addict (not that I really think anyone is saying that here) and I think it's just as important for addicts to realise that although they may be blurring their own hurting emotions with substances or alcohol, those around them are not and feel each lie or betrayal keenly. And usually they themselves would be horrified at what they're doing if they were thinking clearly.
And the fact that loved ones of addicts then feeling like hurting the person who hurt them back is kind of human. It's not nice or wise but it's human.
It's important to realise that people with addictions came there often through pain and are in pain with their addiction, it's no less important to realise that the ones close to that person also get hurt. It's like a pebble in a pond.
People hurt people in many different ways, this is just one of them. And people lie, cheat and steal without addictions too.
It hurts just the same. And if you love the person who's doing it to you, it hurts even more.
Addict or non-addict, we're all human and we all have feelings. How we handle them or don't handle them is up to us.
I don't think anyone is superior or inferior, I don't think we're all as different as we like to think we are. We all mostly get hurt by the same things.
Whether a person is an addict or not, it hurts to be betrayed if it's a love relationship!
How you deal with it, that's a different matter.
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Originally Posted by interrupted
I'm sorry, I realize now it sounded like my post was directed at you. It wasn't. I was just thanking you because it seemed like a lot of people were taking this thread personally, and then I went off on my own unrelated tangent.
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I hold a truth that people that choose to help their fellow human, and contribute to society, are inherently superior to those who choose to harm, degrade, and otherwise hurt the people around them. I don't know how this train of thought can be considered incorrect.
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My bad decisions/choices around my addiction were nothing to do with others, in talking to my family and those close to me I discovered that they took it personally and felt I was somehow attacking them! only those who have been through addiction will know just how self absorbed we become, I'm not excusing behaviors pls believe me on that but if I continue to believe that I am a worthless human being I will continue to use drugs to quell the demons (again how self absorbed can you get) it's a vicious cycle , you feel ****, you use, you hurt those around you so you feel even ******* and use again and on and on and on.
I can hear you saying that everyone hurts and has pain and not everyone becomes an addict, all I can say is some levels of hurt and pain are so huge that you feel like dying, and then you discover something that takes it all away, not realizing that this very savior you have found is the devil himself in disguise.
I can hear you saying that everyone hurts and has pain and not everyone becomes an addict, all I can say is some levels of hurt and pain are so huge that you feel like dying, and then you discover something that takes it all away, not realizing that this very savior you have found is the devil himself in disguise.
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Originally Posted by RI24
My bad decisions/choices around my addiction were nothing to do with others, in talking to my family and those close to me I discovered that they took it personally and felt I was somehow attacking them! only those who have been through addiction will know just how self absorbed we become, I'm not excusing behaviors pls believe me on that but if I continue to believe that I am a worthless human being I will continue to use drugs to quell the demons (again how self absorbed can you get) it's a vicious cycle , you feel ****, you use, you hurt those around you so you feel even ******* and use again and on and on and on.
I can hear you saying that everyone hurts and has pain and not everyone becomes an addict, all I can say is some levels of hurt and pain are so huge that you feel like dying, and then you discover something that takes it all away, not realizing that this very savior you have found is the devil himself in disguise.
I can hear you saying that everyone hurts and has pain and not everyone becomes an addict, all I can say is some levels of hurt and pain are so huge that you feel like dying, and then you discover something that takes it all away, not realizing that this very savior you have found is the devil himself in disguise.
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Originally Posted by RedBaron5
I hold a truth that people that choose to help their fellow human, and contribute to society, are inherently superior to those who choose to harm, degrade, and otherwise hurt the people around them. I don't know how this train of thought can be considered incorrect.
I went to prison to do some work with the male inmates. The majority were in for murder. I expected to be disgusted by them, but every time I came back feeling as if I was on the receiving end of a great gift. Once you start hearing their stories you will not be human if there was no compassion. The biggest lesson from them was how human and similar we are.
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RedBaron,
Did you ever see the movie The People Versus Larry Flynt, starring Woody Harrelson?
It's a great movie. If you choose to rent it, watch carefully the character of Althea Flynt, played by Courtney Love.
Another great movie to watch: Being Flynn, starring Robert DeNiro and Paul Dano.
Both portray unforgettable portraits of a junkie (Flynt movie) and alcoholism (Flynn movie).
Watch them both. They'll get you thinking.
Did you ever see the movie The People Versus Larry Flynt, starring Woody Harrelson?
It's a great movie. If you choose to rent it, watch carefully the character of Althea Flynt, played by Courtney Love.
Another great movie to watch: Being Flynn, starring Robert DeNiro and Paul Dano.
Both portray unforgettable portraits of a junkie (Flynt movie) and alcoholism (Flynn movie).
Watch them both. They'll get you thinking.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by RI24
My bad decisions/choices around my addiction were nothing to do with others, in talking to my family and those close to me I discovered that they took it personally and felt I was somehow attacking them! only those who have been through addiction will know just how self absorbed we become, I'm not excusing behaviors pls believe me on that but if I continue to believe that I am a worthless human being I will continue to use drugs to quell the demons (again how self absorbed can you get) it's a vicious cycle , you feel ****, you use, you hurt those around you so you feel even ******* and use again and on and on and on.
I can hear you saying that everyone hurts and has pain and not everyone becomes an addict, all I can say is some levels of hurt and pain are so huge that you feel like dying, and then you discover something that takes it all away, not realizing that this very savior you have found is the devil himself in disguise.
I can hear you saying that everyone hurts and has pain and not everyone becomes an addict, all I can say is some levels of hurt and pain are so huge that you feel like dying, and then you discover something that takes it all away, not realizing that this very savior you have found is the devil himself in disguise.
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It's been estimated that up to 1 in 10 people become addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. That is a lot of people that need to be "run over in a trench". I mean it sounds like you are angry but also as sick as the addict. Who knows, maybe even worse??
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I would just like to point out that in order to be manipulated, hurt, and used..you would have had to CHOSEN to stay and continue to put up with the treatment.
Sure whoever has made you this mad might have hurt you, but you didn't leave. An addict can't force you to stay, to give them money, to pick up their calls, or anything else. It sounds like you are mad you stayed and regret you didn't leave earlier and it is easier to blame the addict then realize that you saw all this happening and continued to stay.
It is easy to deflect and it is easy to blame the addict. What isn't easy is recognizing why you didn't leave. This person who hurt you so much and who you think should be put in a trench and bulldozed over, this person who made you gerneralize all addicts into one big bunch, was so horrible yet you stayed. That must raise big questions in your head about why you continued to stay and part-take in such a life style.
You seem to think addicts have such a big character flaw, are stupid, and should be compared to people who assault and batter others. If that is what you think about the addict in your life, I can only imagine what you think of the character flaws you exhibited for staying and allowing yourself to be subjected to it all. If you want to compare addiction to assault then that makes the person who stays guilty of the crime aidding and abbetting. I'm sure you wouldn't agree about all that now would you? I pray you look inward and work on yourself.
Sure whoever has made you this mad might have hurt you, but you didn't leave. An addict can't force you to stay, to give them money, to pick up their calls, or anything else. It sounds like you are mad you stayed and regret you didn't leave earlier and it is easier to blame the addict then realize that you saw all this happening and continued to stay.
It is easy to deflect and it is easy to blame the addict. What isn't easy is recognizing why you didn't leave. This person who hurt you so much and who you think should be put in a trench and bulldozed over, this person who made you gerneralize all addicts into one big bunch, was so horrible yet you stayed. That must raise big questions in your head about why you continued to stay and part-take in such a life style.
You seem to think addicts have such a big character flaw, are stupid, and should be compared to people who assault and batter others. If that is what you think about the addict in your life, I can only imagine what you think of the character flaws you exhibited for staying and allowing yourself to be subjected to it all. If you want to compare addiction to assault then that makes the person who stays guilty of the crime aidding and abbetting. I'm sure you wouldn't agree about all that now would you? I pray you look inward and work on yourself.
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I have been through it! Cheated on, lied to, manipulated and abandoned. I am dealing with yet another MIA addict. This effects my son. Of course, he is 3 months behind on child support too. SO, today when I drove past his house (he lives right off the main road into downtown) his cars were there. It made me mad. Not angry like last time. Just mad. And, I had this EXACT same thought. On the drive home I dreamt of telling him off and calling him names. Then, I thought back to this forum and how it has taught me to NOT name call. They are in so much pain. They are missing out on so much. They are sick and need help. So, by the time I got home I had calmed down and just thought "oh well". If and when he contacts me I am so emotionally done...he gets 2 hours a week with our son, and thats it. I have checked out and moved on. You have to. If he ever does get sober I do want him to have respect for me. Always be the bigger person...and this is coming from someone who has made many mistakes. It isn't easy and it is SUPER painful. When it comes down to it, I have to be a role model for my son and I have to explain this to my son. I have to set an example. Read this forum and learn. You will get through this. I still have him saved into my phone as "piece of @#$%"...and nobody has to know this but me. BUT, when my son gets old enough to read, I better change it.
I am getting to the point I just don't care anymore. I am still angry, but not like before. It gets better and better. And, I strongly suggest if you do not have kids with this person...NO CONTACT ever again is best!!! MOVE ON!!! Life is too beautiful!!!
peace and love
I am getting to the point I just don't care anymore. I am still angry, but not like before. It gets better and better. And, I strongly suggest if you do not have kids with this person...NO CONTACT ever again is best!!! MOVE ON!!! Life is too beautiful!!!
peace and love
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I understand the point about not staying with an addict, but when the addict is under 18 and the parents are legally and financially responsible for the child, if the option of moving to a residential treatment facility or other out of home resource is not immediately available or at all possible, parents can't legally (at least not where I live) abandon the teen or kick him or her out of the home.
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[QUOTE=Maylie;3709009]I would just like to point out that in order to be manipulated, hurt, and used..you would have had to CHOSEN to stay and continue to put up with the treatment.
Sure whoever has made you this mad might have hurt you, but you didn't leave. An addict can't force you to stay, to give them money, to pick up their calls, or anything else. It sounds like you are mad you stayed and regret you didn't leave earlier and it is easier to blame the addict then realize that you saw all this happening and continued to stay.
It is easy to deflect and it is easy to blame the addict. What isn't easy is recognizing why you didn't leave. This person who hurt you so much and who you think should be put in a trench and bulldozed over, this person who made you gerneralize all addicts into one big bunch, was so horrible yet you stayed. That must raise big questions in your head about why you continued to stay and part-take in such a life style.
Wow. What a great post. No matter how "slick' and "conning" an addict can be, the co-dependent still chooses to enable. Addicts rarely rob or mug people when they can usually get what they want by talking loved ones or friends into whatever it is they want. Of course, usually money.
Sure whoever has made you this mad might have hurt you, but you didn't leave. An addict can't force you to stay, to give them money, to pick up their calls, or anything else. It sounds like you are mad you stayed and regret you didn't leave earlier and it is easier to blame the addict then realize that you saw all this happening and continued to stay.
It is easy to deflect and it is easy to blame the addict. What isn't easy is recognizing why you didn't leave. This person who hurt you so much and who you think should be put in a trench and bulldozed over, this person who made you gerneralize all addicts into one big bunch, was so horrible yet you stayed. That must raise big questions in your head about why you continued to stay and part-take in such a life style.
Wow. What a great post. No matter how "slick' and "conning" an addict can be, the co-dependent still chooses to enable. Addicts rarely rob or mug people when they can usually get what they want by talking loved ones or friends into whatever it is they want. Of course, usually money.
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