He relapsed - don't know what to do
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi Kyles,
I'm sorry he relapsed, but you are right that it happens, and it shows even though he has been working hard on his recovery (based on the actions you have seen); he is still fragile and will be for some time. It doesn't mean this relapse is once again a turning point back to full blown addiction. He can learn from this experience, try to understand what caused him to slip and make changes to strengthen himself in those areas. All things he has to figure out in his own time. My guess is his attitude is different this time because he has been trying to quit, does have more pressure because more people know, and he is angry at himself that he messed up. Some of that will come out in weird ways ( like denial, blaming others) until he accepts what happened and realizes whatever is going on (stress) that triggered him ...he has to learn to deal with it, or modify it without using again for escape.
He messed up, so the real question is what does he do next? and can you get to a place where you can accept the instability while knowing it's not personal against you? It doesn't change the quality time you have been spending together; you just have to let him figure this out and continue watching his actions.
In my opinion it's good he wanted to talk about it, and maybe when you have had some time apart then emotions on both sides will calm and you can discuss it together. Just go slow Kylie, take your time making decisions and focus right now on the baby that will be here soon, and your classes. From what you said earlier; his job is pretty secure regardless of his using; so I would not worry about the insurance for now. And about telling his parents; you did what you felt was right, and the rest will be up for the three of them to work out.
Big Hug sent your way... I know there is a smiley for that, but cant find it !
I'm sorry he relapsed, but you are right that it happens, and it shows even though he has been working hard on his recovery (based on the actions you have seen); he is still fragile and will be for some time. It doesn't mean this relapse is once again a turning point back to full blown addiction. He can learn from this experience, try to understand what caused him to slip and make changes to strengthen himself in those areas. All things he has to figure out in his own time. My guess is his attitude is different this time because he has been trying to quit, does have more pressure because more people know, and he is angry at himself that he messed up. Some of that will come out in weird ways ( like denial, blaming others) until he accepts what happened and realizes whatever is going on (stress) that triggered him ...he has to learn to deal with it, or modify it without using again for escape.
He messed up, so the real question is what does he do next? and can you get to a place where you can accept the instability while knowing it's not personal against you? It doesn't change the quality time you have been spending together; you just have to let him figure this out and continue watching his actions.
In my opinion it's good he wanted to talk about it, and maybe when you have had some time apart then emotions on both sides will calm and you can discuss it together. Just go slow Kylie, take your time making decisions and focus right now on the baby that will be here soon, and your classes. From what you said earlier; his job is pretty secure regardless of his using; so I would not worry about the insurance for now. And about telling his parents; you did what you felt was right, and the rest will be up for the three of them to work out.
Big Hug sent your way... I know there is a smiley for that, but cant find it !
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by kyles 
So I've been driving around for an hour, then I took a super hot bath, and now I'm hear venting and I don't feel any better. I'm so upset!
So, my boyfriend has been doing really great from what I can tell. He's been going to his meetings, working on getting a sponsor, working full-time, and he's registered for all his classes next semester. He's been spending a lot of time at my house. He bought the nursery set for the baby. He seems so healthy and and a lot more positive compared to when he first came home from rehab. It's not like I felt everything would go perfectly or that the hard part was over, but things were looking up. Anyway, I guess I just wasn't expecting this right now. I don't know what I was expecting. My hopes were probably too high, but not really knowingly, if that makes sense.
So, I've been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend the past few days and things have been wonderful. I was supposed to meet him at his house a few hours ago. I get over there and he's the only one home. He answers the door and it's obvious he's not "right." I didn't really know what to do. I went to the bathroom, and I admit I did peak in his room, and there was drug paraphenalia, specifically heroin and related supplies there on the table! I was so upset I went to storm out and he grabbed me and wouldn't let go. He wasn't hurting me, but he wouldn't let me leave. He wanted me to stay and talk about it, but I couldn't be there. I couldn't even look at him. Then he told me "maybe I wanted you to see it!" And then he said I was to blame because I put him under so much stress lately and all I do anymore is whine. I just don't get any of this. I mean, I get the relapse, it happens and it's not the biggest shock, but he's never acted like that before. He's always been even more mellow when using drugs and usually very vulnerable and open about it with me. I'm so upset and hurt I feel so sick.
So, my boyfriend has been doing really great from what I can tell. He's been going to his meetings, working on getting a sponsor, working full-time, and he's registered for all his classes next semester. He's been spending a lot of time at my house. He bought the nursery set for the baby. He seems so healthy and and a lot more positive compared to when he first came home from rehab. It's not like I felt everything would go perfectly or that the hard part was over, but things were looking up. Anyway, I guess I just wasn't expecting this right now. I don't know what I was expecting. My hopes were probably too high, but not really knowingly, if that makes sense.
So, I've been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend the past few days and things have been wonderful. I was supposed to meet him at his house a few hours ago. I get over there and he's the only one home. He answers the door and it's obvious he's not "right." I didn't really know what to do. I went to the bathroom, and I admit I did peak in his room, and there was drug paraphenalia, specifically heroin and related supplies there on the table! I was so upset I went to storm out and he grabbed me and wouldn't let go. He wasn't hurting me, but he wouldn't let me leave. He wanted me to stay and talk about it, but I couldn't be there. I couldn't even look at him. Then he told me "maybe I wanted you to see it!" And then he said I was to blame because I put him under so much stress lately and all I do anymore is whine. I just don't get any of this. I mean, I get the relapse, it happens and it's not the biggest shock, but he's never acted like that before. He's always been even more mellow when using drugs and usually very vulnerable and open about it with me. I'm so upset and hurt I feel so sick.
I'm sorry that this has happened. But I'm also glad you did some things to take care of yourself, like taking a hot bath.
You have some decisions you have to make, and while I can't (and more importantly won't) tell you what to do, I will give you some ideas so that you can make the best decision for yourself.
If you're not currently in Al Anon or Nar Anon, I recommend you find a meeting that's local to you. Right now, it's important that you have support nearby.
You have to make decisions based on what you know to be true and not on what you would like to happen. And this may mean making decisions that were once unthinkable. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should allow them to take you down. We have to detach from people to protect ourselves.
Hopefully you've made some connections here on the board and you can PM with them. Please keep a clear head. You will need one to get through this.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Originally Posted by zoso77
You have to make decisions based on what you know to be true and not on what you would like to happen. And this may mean making decisions that were once unthinkable.
I have been thinking of you a lot lately, wondering how things were going. I am so sorry to hear about his relapse, but sadly, I kind of expected it based on what happened with my RAD and all the other folks who share here...
His efforts to be around you, prepare for the baby and all the other good things are not completely empty of genuine feelings, but if he can't stay clean, they become somewhat meaningless, like pouring water in a bucket with holes. He will never be able to fill it up or gather strength to be who you remember while he is using.
My RAD tried to cover her addiction after her OD--got a job, moved, tried to be "good" and do what she thought we all wanted her to do--but the addiction was in charge. After less than 3 months, it won. Try to work on detaching emotionally from him now. It is going to be harder to do that when you see your new baby, who will always remind you of your boyfriend, but if you can do it with love, it will also allow you greater freedom to make the hard decisions you will always have to make as a parent.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, Kyles.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I'm sorry that things were going so good and now this 
Please know that
it was his addiction talking when he said those things and that none of them
were true. You have NOTHING to do with his relapse, he obviously is just
trying to blame anyone but himself.
Try to focus on yourself and get everything you need to in order. When it
comes down to it, you can't count on him. You can't count on him to act
like a father or even an adult. Have you considered stepping back from
the situation and making a plan B where no matter what state he is
in you and your baby will be okay? You don't want to have to always
worry about his actions messing up insurance for your child and other
important things like that.
I know its heartbreaking when we are put in these positions, but you
need to try to invision your life in 5 years and see if you can really
picture putting up with these kinds of actions for that long. He needs to
commit to a serious recovery plan, but that is something only he can do.
Have you set boundaries with him?
Please know that it was his addiction talking when he said those things and that none of them
were true. You have NOTHING to do with his relapse, he obviously is just
trying to blame anyone but himself.
Try to focus on yourself and get everything you need to in order. When it
comes down to it, you can't count on him. You can't count on him to act
like a father or even an adult. Have you considered stepping back from
the situation and making a plan B where no matter what state he is
in you and your baby will be okay? You don't want to have to always
worry about his actions messing up insurance for your child and other
important things like that.
I know its heartbreaking when we are put in these positions, but you
need to try to invision your life in 5 years and see if you can really
picture putting up with these kinds of actions for that long. He needs to
commit to a serious recovery plan, but that is something only he can do.
Have you set boundaries with him?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: TELFORD
Posts: 21
Hey Kyles,
I am sorry to hear you are going through this, I feel your pain as I am currently going through a similar situation with my current boyfriend. I am still fairly new to this site so i hope what i say helps. My boyfriend and I have been going through the same turmoil for about two years and my poor daughter who is three is in the cross hairs. Things don't get easier when you also have a child to take care of and deal with the situation with your boyfriend. I mean just last week my daughters Halloween was pretty much destroyed for her. He was more concerned about his drugs and drug buddies that my daughter didn't even get to go trick or treating (I would have took her myself but my AB had my car and my neighbor hood had no electric). Well of course we got into a huge fight so he then decided to take off. Could not find him for hours would not tell me were he was and threatening to commit suicide. Of course i had put my daughter to bed to shield her from all this. It took me till two or three in the morning to finally get him home. It is such a roller coaster ride and I am still looking deep inside to get my daughter and I out of this situation. I wanted to tell you this because I wanted you to see what could happen if he keeps going up and down and doesn't stay clean. Also what happens when you put an Innocent child in the mix. The decision is yours and i am not telling you what to do but step back from it and think long and hard!! Take care of yourself and the baby!!
I am sorry to hear you are going through this, I feel your pain as I am currently going through a similar situation with my current boyfriend. I am still fairly new to this site so i hope what i say helps. My boyfriend and I have been going through the same turmoil for about two years and my poor daughter who is three is in the cross hairs. Things don't get easier when you also have a child to take care of and deal with the situation with your boyfriend. I mean just last week my daughters Halloween was pretty much destroyed for her. He was more concerned about his drugs and drug buddies that my daughter didn't even get to go trick or treating (I would have took her myself but my AB had my car and my neighbor hood had no electric). Well of course we got into a huge fight so he then decided to take off. Could not find him for hours would not tell me were he was and threatening to commit suicide. Of course i had put my daughter to bed to shield her from all this. It took me till two or three in the morning to finally get him home. It is such a roller coaster ride and I am still looking deep inside to get my daughter and I out of this situation. I wanted to tell you this because I wanted you to see what could happen if he keeps going up and down and doesn't stay clean. Also what happens when you put an Innocent child in the mix. The decision is yours and i am not telling you what to do but step back from it and think long and hard!! Take care of yourself and the baby!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by allforcnm
Hi Kyles,
I'm sorry he relapsed, but you are right that it happens, and it shows even though he has been working hard on his recovery (based on the actions you have seen); he is still fragile and will be for some time. It doesn't mean this relapse is once again a turning point back to full blown addiction. He can learn from this experience, try to understand what caused him to slip and make changes to strengthen himself in those areas. All things he has to figure out in his own time. My guess is his attitude is different this time because he has been trying to quit, does have more pressure because more people know, and he is angry at himself that he messed up. Some of that will come out in weird ways ( like denial, blaming others) until he accepts what happened and realizes whatever is going on (stress) that triggered him ...he has to learn to deal with it, or modify it without using again for escape.
He messed up, so the real question is what does he do next? and can you get to a place where you can accept the instability while knowing it's not personal against you? It doesn't change the quality time you have been spending together; you just have to let him figure this out and continue watching his actions.
In my opinion it's good he wanted to talk about it, and maybe when you have had some time apart then emotions on both sides will calm and you can discuss it together. Just go slow Kylie, take your time making decisions and focus right now on the baby that will be here soon, and your classes. From what you said earlier; his job is pretty secure regardless of his using; so I would not worry about the insurance for now. And about telling his parents; you did what you felt was right, and the rest will be up for the three of them to work out.
Big Hug sent your way... I know there is a smiley for that, but cant find it !
I'm sorry he relapsed, but you are right that it happens, and it shows even though he has been working hard on his recovery (based on the actions you have seen); he is still fragile and will be for some time. It doesn't mean this relapse is once again a turning point back to full blown addiction. He can learn from this experience, try to understand what caused him to slip and make changes to strengthen himself in those areas. All things he has to figure out in his own time. My guess is his attitude is different this time because he has been trying to quit, does have more pressure because more people know, and he is angry at himself that he messed up. Some of that will come out in weird ways ( like denial, blaming others) until he accepts what happened and realizes whatever is going on (stress) that triggered him ...he has to learn to deal with it, or modify it without using again for escape.
He messed up, so the real question is what does he do next? and can you get to a place where you can accept the instability while knowing it's not personal against you? It doesn't change the quality time you have been spending together; you just have to let him figure this out and continue watching his actions.
In my opinion it's good he wanted to talk about it, and maybe when you have had some time apart then emotions on both sides will calm and you can discuss it together. Just go slow Kylie, take your time making decisions and focus right now on the baby that will be here soon, and your classes. From what you said earlier; his job is pretty secure regardless of his using; so I would not worry about the insurance for now. And about telling his parents; you did what you felt was right, and the rest will be up for the three of them to work out.
Big Hug sent your way... I know there is a smiley for that, but cant find it !
Today I did feel ready to talk to him. He said he was sorry, that it wasn't my fault and that he just freaked out when I found out and didn't really know what he was doing or saying. He said he didn't really want to do it, but he was stressed and feeling depressed and thought maybe it'd make him feel better. He said it made him sick and it also mentally just made him feel like scum. I know addicts will tell us these things to appease us, but I feel like he's being genuine. Ir doesn't meant he's dependable or not going to use again, but I don't think he's lying. He doesn't blame me for being upset and he's going to let me have space and make what decisions I need to. I know he truly does feel very bad about it. I realize that feeling bad about it isn't the same as being completely committed to not doing it again. He's at his meeting right now. He's still working. I don't feel like the health insurance is at risk right now.
Originally Posted by GardenMama
This is an elegantly simple way to think of it, Zoso! And just what many of us need to work our own recovery. Kyles, maybe copy this and put it some place where you'll see it every day!
I have been thinking of you a lot lately, wondering how things were going. I am so sorry to hear about his relapse, but sadly, I kind of expected it based on what happened with my RAD and all the other folks who share here...
His efforts to be around you, prepare for the baby and all the other good things are not completely empty of genuine feelings, but if he can't stay clean, they become somewhat meaningless, like pouring water in a bucket with holes. He will never be able to fill it up or gather strength to be who you remember while he is using.
My RAD tried to cover her addiction after her OD--got a job, moved, tried to be "good" and do what she thought we all wanted her to do--but the addiction was in charge. After less than 3 months, it won. Try to work on detaching emotionally from him now. It is going to be harder to do that when you see your new baby, who will always remind you of your boyfriend, but if you can do it with love, it will also allow you greater freedom to make the hard decisions you will always have to make as a parent.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, Kyles.
I have been thinking of you a lot lately, wondering how things were going. I am so sorry to hear about his relapse, but sadly, I kind of expected it based on what happened with my RAD and all the other folks who share here...
His efforts to be around you, prepare for the baby and all the other good things are not completely empty of genuine feelings, but if he can't stay clean, they become somewhat meaningless, like pouring water in a bucket with holes. He will never be able to fill it up or gather strength to be who you remember while he is using.
My RAD tried to cover her addiction after her OD--got a job, moved, tried to be "good" and do what she thought we all wanted her to do--but the addiction was in charge. After less than 3 months, it won. Try to work on detaching emotionally from him now. It is going to be harder to do that when you see your new baby, who will always remind you of your boyfriend, but if you can do it with love, it will also allow you greater freedom to make the hard decisions you will always have to make as a parent.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, Kyles.
It wasn't like I completely didn't expect it, I just wasn't expecting it right now, you know? It isn't even like I didn't expect it in the future, but I thought he was doing really well at the moment. I feel like he has major extremes, like one day he's completely positive, then the next day he's feeling really low and that's when he crumbles and wants to use.
I still don't know what I'm going to do....
Originally Posted by Maylie
I'm sorry that things were going so good and now this Please know that
it was his addiction talking when he said those things and that none of them
were true. You have NOTHING to do with his relapse, he obviously is just
trying to blame anyone but himself.
Try to focus on yourself and get everything you need to in order. When it
comes down to it, you can't count on him. You can't count on him to act
like a father or even an adult. Have you considered stepping back from
the situation and making a plan B where no matter what state he is
in you and your baby will be okay? You don't want to have to always
worry about his actions messing up insurance for your child and other
important things like that.
I know its heartbreaking when we are put in these positions, but you
need to try to invision your life in 5 years and see if you can really
picture putting up with these kinds of actions for that long. He needs to
commit to a serious recovery plan, but that is something only he can do.
Have you set boundaries with him?
Please know that it was his addiction talking when he said those things and that none of them
were true. You have NOTHING to do with his relapse, he obviously is just
trying to blame anyone but himself.
Try to focus on yourself and get everything you need to in order. When it
comes down to it, you can't count on him. You can't count on him to act
like a father or even an adult. Have you considered stepping back from
the situation and making a plan B where no matter what state he is
in you and your baby will be okay? You don't want to have to always
worry about his actions messing up insurance for your child and other
important things like that.
I know its heartbreaking when we are put in these positions, but you
need to try to invision your life in 5 years and see if you can really
picture putting up with these kinds of actions for that long. He needs to
commit to a serious recovery plan, but that is something only he can do.
Have you set boundaries with him?
No, everyone here has been telling me to create boundaries for months. I haven't done it. I know that's bad and that's my fault.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by ApPLeOfMYeYe
Hey Kyles,
I am sorry to hear you are going through this, I feel your pain as I am currently going through a similar situation with my current boyfriend. I am still fairly new to this site so i hope what i say helps. My boyfriend and I have been going through the same turmoil for about two years and my poor daughter who is three is in the cross hairs. Things don't get easier when you also have a child to take care of and deal with the situation with your boyfriend. I mean just last week my daughters Halloween was pretty much destroyed for her. He was more concerned about his drugs and drug buddies that my daughter didn't even get to go trick or treating (I would have took her myself but my AB had my car and my neighbor hood had no electric). Well of course we got into a huge fight so he then decided to take off. Could not find him for hours would not tell me were he was and threatening to commit suicide. Of course i had put my daughter to bed to shield her from all this. It took me till two or three in the morning to finally get him home. It is such a roller coaster ride and I am still looking deep inside to get my daughter and I out of this situation. I wanted to tell you this because I wanted you to see what could happen if he keeps going up and down and doesn't stay clean. Also what happens when you put an Innocent child in the mix. The decision is yours and i am not telling you what to do but step back from it and think long and hard!! Take care of yourself and the baby!!
I am sorry to hear you are going through this, I feel your pain as I am currently going through a similar situation with my current boyfriend. I am still fairly new to this site so i hope what i say helps. My boyfriend and I have been going through the same turmoil for about two years and my poor daughter who is three is in the cross hairs. Things don't get easier when you also have a child to take care of and deal with the situation with your boyfriend. I mean just last week my daughters Halloween was pretty much destroyed for her. He was more concerned about his drugs and drug buddies that my daughter didn't even get to go trick or treating (I would have took her myself but my AB had my car and my neighbor hood had no electric). Well of course we got into a huge fight so he then decided to take off. Could not find him for hours would not tell me were he was and threatening to commit suicide. Of course i had put my daughter to bed to shield her from all this. It took me till two or three in the morning to finally get him home. It is such a roller coaster ride and I am still looking deep inside to get my daughter and I out of this situation. I wanted to tell you this because I wanted you to see what could happen if he keeps going up and down and doesn't stay clean. Also what happens when you put an Innocent child in the mix. The decision is yours and i am not telling you what to do but step back from it and think long and hard!! Take care of yourself and the baby!!
It's so hard though because if he's clean for 3 months straight, how can I deny him to see his child? How do I know if he's going to use again or not? I don't feel like I can ban him from his child's life because there's a chance he could use again. This relapse has left me so confused because I thought maybe there'd be more of a warning that this would happen. How do I know he won't be clean for a long time and use again? I don't want my child to be hurt by his actions. I feel like the only way to prevent that would have been to never have gotten pregnant in the first place. I feel like my child will be hurt no matter what.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
And now I just want to share that I expressed much of what I've said here to someone else and she said, "Well, that's life, that's reality. Your kid's going to get hurt somehow anyway, you can't protect them from everything." Honestly? That's not good enough for me. Sure, everyone gets hurt and life is never perfect, but I can't accept that it's not a big deal that my child could be hurt because his/her father is a drug addict and can't get his habit under control for the sake of his kid. I think things like that screw you up a lot more than many of the other not so nice things in life. I can't believe someone would try to lessen the impact of his drug use on his child's life by saying "everyone gets hurt." I just had to vent.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
The baby you carry now has a 50% predisposed chance of becoming an addict. If the child lives with an addict, they have a 50% chance of being one or marrying one. That's reality!!
This baby needs at least one healthy parent to love, nuture, protect and educate him/her. Hopefully you will be that parent. The odds are so low that your bf can!!
As a judge told my friend......YOU picked the him to be the father!!
This baby needs at least one healthy parent to love, nuture, protect and educate him/her. Hopefully you will be that parent. The odds are so low that your bf can!!
As a judge told my friend......YOU picked the him to be the father!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
kyles i agree with your venting. your friend has a very strange sense of reality. yes we all get hurt and no you cant protect your kids from every hurt that our world offers, but why anyone would think keeping a child in a relationship with someone who is unstable and unreliable is ok becuase they are gong to get hurt anyway, is crazy. its not about keeping them from hurt , its about keeping the chaos and crazy out of a kids life. im sure everyone who has had children with an addict, knowing what they know now, would choose a different decision for themselves and their kids. what a silly thing for your friend to say. i hope you dont go to her/him for advise often...lol at least you sound like you are doing well. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I agree with you! You can protect your child from the insanity of being around an addict. Your child does not have to be exposed to a high parent, drug exposure and dangerous needles. Plus, your bf could not be a father in that state--how would he make sure your baby was safe? I don't see how he could provide meals, keep the baby from getting hurt, etc.
Originally Posted by kyles
And now I just want to share that I expressed much of what I've said here to someone else and she said, "Well, that's life, that's reality. Your kid's going to get hurt somehow anyway, you can't protect them from everything." Honestly? That's not good enough for me. Sure, everyone gets hurt and life is never perfect, but I can't accept that it's not a big deal that my child could be hurt because his/her father is a drug addict and can't get his habit under control for the sake of his kid. I think things like that screw you up a lot more than many of the other not so nice things in life. I can't believe someone would try to lessen the impact of his drug use on his child's life by saying "everyone gets hurt." I just had to vent.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Insurance
I am not saying this to be a "downer", but a realist. I have a 24 and a 22 year old daughter, and this is what I would tell them.
If he loses his job before the baby is born, the baby will have no insurance, as it would never have been his dependent...so COBRA will be off the table. If his parents decide to take a hard line because of his addiction, they may very well decide that losing his job is a natural consequence. If it were me, I would not want to count on other people deciding to continue to enable an addict as the basis for something as important as health insurance.
Even if he loses his job after the baby is born, for the baby to pay the lower dependent rate, your boyfriend would have to opt in and pay for COBRA for himself. If he doesn't, the baby can still be covered, but it would be at the expensive individual rate, which is the sum of the employer and employee share, with an additional amount (5%?) added on.
Babies sometimes have problems right when they are born...not necessarily major problems, but even the costs for little things, like light treatment for jaundice, can add up.
It is not illegal to have two insurance policies-- there's actually a procedure called "coordination of coverage" that determines which policy pays for what. I think a wise choice would be to get your own coverage in place for the baby as soon as possible.
This is actually the most important thing for you to do right now - it's one of the basics in recovery to take care of yourself first. Deal with the basics. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Make sure you're seeing your doctor. Take care of insurance. Get to an AlAnon meeting.
If he loses his job before the baby is born, the baby will have no insurance, as it would never have been his dependent...so COBRA will be off the table. If his parents decide to take a hard line because of his addiction, they may very well decide that losing his job is a natural consequence. If it were me, I would not want to count on other people deciding to continue to enable an addict as the basis for something as important as health insurance.
Even if he loses his job after the baby is born, for the baby to pay the lower dependent rate, your boyfriend would have to opt in and pay for COBRA for himself. If he doesn't, the baby can still be covered, but it would be at the expensive individual rate, which is the sum of the employer and employee share, with an additional amount (5%?) added on.
Babies sometimes have problems right when they are born...not necessarily major problems, but even the costs for little things, like light treatment for jaundice, can add up.
It is not illegal to have two insurance policies-- there's actually a procedure called "coordination of coverage" that determines which policy pays for what. I think a wise choice would be to get your own coverage in place for the baby as soon as possible.
This is actually the most important thing for you to do right now - it's one of the basics in recovery to take care of yourself first. Deal with the basics. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Make sure you're seeing your doctor. Take care of insurance. Get to an AlAnon meeting.
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
The baby you carry now has a 50% predisposed chance of becoming an addict. If the child lives with an addict, they have a 50% chance of being one or marrying one. That's reality!!
This baby needs at least one healthy parent to love, nuture, protect and educate him/her. Hopefully you will be that parent. The odds are so low that your bf can!!
As a judge told my friend......YOU picked the him to be the father!!
This baby needs at least one healthy parent to love, nuture, protect and educate him/her. Hopefully you will be that parent. The odds are so low that your bf can!!
As a judge told my friend......YOU picked the him to be the father!!
I guess I chose him by being dumb and making a mistake...I never would have picked any of this on purpose.
He says stuff like, "I promise I won't ever touch it again after the baby's here." It's not that simple though, obviously.
Originally Posted by bluebelle
I agree with you! You can protect your child from the insanity of being around an addict. Your child does not have to be exposed to a high parent, drug exposure and dangerous needles. Plus, your bf could not be a father in that state--how would he make sure your baby was safe? I don't see how he could provide meals, keep the baby from getting hurt, etc.
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Originally Posted by SundaysChild
I am not saying this to be a "downer", but a realist. I have a 24 and a 22 year old daughter, and this is what I would tell them.
If he loses his job before the baby is born, the baby will have no insurance, as it would never have been his dependent...so COBRA will be off the table. If his parents decide to take a hard line because of his addiction, they may very well decide that losing his job is a natural consequence. If it were me, I would not want to count on other people deciding to continue to enable an addict as the basis for something as important as health insurance.
Even if he loses his job after the baby is born, for the baby to pay the lower dependent rate, your boyfriend would have to opt in and pay for COBRA for himself. If he doesn't, the baby can still be covered, but it would be at the expensive individual rate, which is the sum of the employer and employee share, with an additional amount (5%?) added on.
Babies sometimes have problems right when they are born...not necessarily major problems, but even the costs for little things, like light treatment for jaundice, can add up.
It is not illegal to have two insurance policies-- there's actually a procedure called "coordination of coverage" that determines which policy pays for what. I think a wise choice would be to get your own coverage in place for the baby as soon as possible.
This is actually the most important thing for you to do right now - it's one of the basics in recovery to take care of yourself first. Deal with the basics. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Make sure you're seeing your doctor. Take care of insurance. Get to an AlAnon meeting.
If he loses his job before the baby is born, the baby will have no insurance, as it would never have been his dependent...so COBRA will be off the table. If his parents decide to take a hard line because of his addiction, they may very well decide that losing his job is a natural consequence. If it were me, I would not want to count on other people deciding to continue to enable an addict as the basis for something as important as health insurance.
Even if he loses his job after the baby is born, for the baby to pay the lower dependent rate, your boyfriend would have to opt in and pay for COBRA for himself. If he doesn't, the baby can still be covered, but it would be at the expensive individual rate, which is the sum of the employer and employee share, with an additional amount (5%?) added on.
Babies sometimes have problems right when they are born...not necessarily major problems, but even the costs for little things, like light treatment for jaundice, can add up.
It is not illegal to have two insurance policies-- there's actually a procedure called "coordination of coverage" that determines which policy pays for what. I think a wise choice would be to get your own coverage in place for the baby as soon as possible.
This is actually the most important thing for you to do right now - it's one of the basics in recovery to take care of yourself first. Deal with the basics. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Make sure you're seeing your doctor. Take care of insurance. Get to an AlAnon meeting.
My parents would have to pay for the insurance policy and I don't want them to have to do that, only if completely necessary. I also haven't even told them about anything that's happened recently. I don't want to have to tell them any of it.
I don't feel he's in any danger of losing his job right now. I talk to him during the day and he seems fine. Right now, I don't believe he's using regularly or while at work like he used to. I know it could go back to being that way, but I don't think it will right now.
Also, a bit of an update, he went to his meeting last night and supposedly told them what happened. He and his counselor decided he needed a sponsor and he can't put it off or have all these stupid requirements anymore. So, I think he is going to meet this person tonight. H already knows him, but I don't know, we'll see if it works out and he'll be more open to it than he has in the past. I'm honestly not obsessing over him, what he's doing tonight, or whether this works out for him. Of course I want everything to work out, but I'm busy dealing with my own stuff right now too. I'm having a baby shower this weekend, against my wishes, but I'll try to enjoy it as much as I can. I'm not going to involve any of his issues since the day won't be about that.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Hi Kyles,
I know you are scared for your Childs future, and wondering what will happen with his father; your relationship, and his sobriety.
I have the same worries with my son. His father is 7+ months clean now, but it is still possible he could relapse; even years from now it will be possible, but it is something I have accepted. He is my sons father, he is a good man, and it would take a lot for me to want/feel the need to remove him from his sons life. But if he was using again, then there would have to be limitations depending on his behavior because my son comes first. Also tricky, son comes first and nothing would be done in an attempt to punish or control his father.
There are just no certainties in life; I know that what will be most important to my son is providing him with a loving, calm, stable home regardless of what happens with his father. Part of that means that I have to be emotionally strong & comfortable with my own independence, and stay with my career so I'm financially stable on my own. (things I think women should be anyway)
There are no guarantees in life. Things can happen unexpectedly; sickness, death, accidents, addiction, break-ups, etc. Challenges that we have to overcome, and from that good qualities can be developed within us. It's not easy, it's not what we would have picked but we go on. Maybe in some sense that is what your friend meant? You would not have picked an addicted father, but he is what he is. But he is also a lot more than that…. Think about all of his positive qualities. He does have some right ? Also, there is hope he will recover & be able to handle equal parenting. But right now he's just beginning to heal, so you will have to play the lead role in everything. (To be honest, the first few months; you would have to do that anyway for the most part).
My husband only started using drugs after they were prescribed because of injury. Realistically, it could have happened when my son was 10 years old just as easy; who would have thought?
Both of us were raised in two parent homes, no addiction problems. There were no signs, it just happened.
I dont worry too much about the genetic theories on drug addiction; there is not enough scientific data for me, and even the National Institute on Drug Abuse says there is up to 50% chance; they don’t know exactly at this point, and then they go on to clarify how much environmental factors come into play, and can even affect the genetic model of a person while they are living. Genetics of Addiction | National Institute on Drug Abuse
Much of my outlook on relapse and recovery comes from the months I spent working with my husbands doctors, and therapist at the rehab. They discussed relapse very openly, and it was good for both of us to face it. They also encouraged a lot of open communication while he was in treatment, so we were better able to understand each others feelings, fears, motivations. They also encouraged my working on me; focusing on my own issues, my own dreams, etc. But the two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive; its all based on what you can handle comfortably.
I don’t think you are making bad choices. I think you are nervous like all new moms, and you are also burdened with extra concerns. It sounds like you have a good support system Kyles; don’t feel bad about relying on them right now. It wont be forever. You have a lot going on right now, so try to go easy on yourself. Enjoy your baby shower; get pictures to put in your album, and don’t be afraid of the silly games or things they might ask you to put on your head.
Your boyfriend is doing the right thing. He is owning up to what he did, and reaching out for support through his method of recovery. Sound like he picked himself back up, and that takes a lot of strength.
I know you are scared for your Childs future, and wondering what will happen with his father; your relationship, and his sobriety.
I have the same worries with my son. His father is 7+ months clean now, but it is still possible he could relapse; even years from now it will be possible, but it is something I have accepted. He is my sons father, he is a good man, and it would take a lot for me to want/feel the need to remove him from his sons life. But if he was using again, then there would have to be limitations depending on his behavior because my son comes first. Also tricky, son comes first and nothing would be done in an attempt to punish or control his father.
There are just no certainties in life; I know that what will be most important to my son is providing him with a loving, calm, stable home regardless of what happens with his father. Part of that means that I have to be emotionally strong & comfortable with my own independence, and stay with my career so I'm financially stable on my own. (things I think women should be anyway)
There are no guarantees in life. Things can happen unexpectedly; sickness, death, accidents, addiction, break-ups, etc. Challenges that we have to overcome, and from that good qualities can be developed within us. It's not easy, it's not what we would have picked but we go on. Maybe in some sense that is what your friend meant? You would not have picked an addicted father, but he is what he is. But he is also a lot more than that…. Think about all of his positive qualities. He does have some right ? Also, there is hope he will recover & be able to handle equal parenting. But right now he's just beginning to heal, so you will have to play the lead role in everything. (To be honest, the first few months; you would have to do that anyway for the most part).
My husband only started using drugs after they were prescribed because of injury. Realistically, it could have happened when my son was 10 years old just as easy; who would have thought?
Both of us were raised in two parent homes, no addiction problems. There were no signs, it just happened.
I dont worry too much about the genetic theories on drug addiction; there is not enough scientific data for me, and even the National Institute on Drug Abuse says there is up to 50% chance; they don’t know exactly at this point, and then they go on to clarify how much environmental factors come into play, and can even affect the genetic model of a person while they are living. Genetics of Addiction | National Institute on Drug Abuse
Much of my outlook on relapse and recovery comes from the months I spent working with my husbands doctors, and therapist at the rehab. They discussed relapse very openly, and it was good for both of us to face it. They also encouraged a lot of open communication while he was in treatment, so we were better able to understand each others feelings, fears, motivations. They also encouraged my working on me; focusing on my own issues, my own dreams, etc. But the two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive; its all based on what you can handle comfortably.
I don’t think you are making bad choices. I think you are nervous like all new moms, and you are also burdened with extra concerns. It sounds like you have a good support system Kyles; don’t feel bad about relying on them right now. It wont be forever. You have a lot going on right now, so try to go easy on yourself. Enjoy your baby shower; get pictures to put in your album, and don’t be afraid of the silly games or things they might ask you to put on your head.
Your boyfriend is doing the right thing. He is owning up to what he did, and reaching out for support through his method of recovery. Sound like he picked himself back up, and that takes a lot of strength.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Well if you bf doesn't get clean right away, please don't jump into another relationship for comfort or to fill a void in you because you are feeling needy.
And, of course, you know how easy it is to pregnant especially after giving birth and nursing so practicing unsafe sex would just be insane. I highly doubt you would want to risk an unplanned pregnancy with onather man.
Have a nice shower, lots of laughs, and put your worries to rest for the day. Let the day be about you and your baby!!
And, of course, you know how easy it is to pregnant especially after giving birth and nursing so practicing unsafe sex would just be insane. I highly doubt you would want to risk an unplanned pregnancy with onather man.
Have a nice shower, lots of laughs, and put your worries to rest for the day. Let the day be about you and your baby!!
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Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Don't worry too much Kyle. You are a smart girl. Everything will work out. There's only so much you can control (your actions and your responses to other people's actions) and everything else is up to providence. But as long as YOU do the best you can, things have a tendency to work out in the long run. Not always they way we expect, but they work out just the same.
You are going to love being a mom. And once you have that baby, your whole world will change for the better. That baby is so blessed to have you.
You are going to love being a mom. And once you have that baby, your whole world will change for the better. That baby is so blessed to have you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
Well if you bf doesn't get clean right away, please don't jump into another relationship for comfort or to fill a void in you because you are feeling needy.
And, of course, you know how easy it is to pregnant especially after giving birth and nursing so practicing unsafe sex would just be insane. I highly doubt you would want to risk an unplanned pregnancy with onather man.
Have a nice shower, lots of laughs, and put your worries to rest for the day. Let the day be about you and your baby!!
And, of course, you know how easy it is to pregnant especially after giving birth and nursing so practicing unsafe sex would just be insane. I highly doubt you would want to risk an unplanned pregnancy with onather man.
Have a nice shower, lots of laughs, and put your worries to rest for the day. Let the day be about you and your baby!!
I don't like showers and I begged them to not make me play those games....
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by allforcnm
Hi Kyles,
I know you are scared for your Childs future, and wondering what will happen with his father; your relationship, and his sobriety.
I have the same worries with my son. His father is 7+ months clean now, but it is still possible he could relapse; even years from now it will be possible, but it is something I have accepted. He is my sons father, he is a good man, and it would take a lot for me to want/feel the need to remove him from his sons life. But if he was using again, then there would have to be limitations depending on his behavior because my son comes first. Also tricky, son comes first and nothing would be done in an attempt to punish or control his father.
There are just no certainties in life; I know that what will be most important to my son is providing him with a loving, calm, stable home regardless of what happens with his father. Part of that means that I have to be emotionally strong & comfortable with my own independence, and stay with my career so I'm financially stable on my own. (things I think women should be anyway)
There are no guarantees in life. Things can happen unexpectedly; sickness, death, accidents, addiction, break-ups, etc. Challenges that we have to overcome, and from that good qualities can be developed within us. It's not easy, it's not what we would have picked but we go on. Maybe in some sense that is what your friend meant? You would not have picked an addicted father, but he is what he is. But he is also a lot more than that…. Think about all of his positive qualities. He does have some right ? Also, there is hope he will recover & be able to handle equal parenting. But right now he's just beginning to heal, so you will have to play the lead role in everything. (To be honest, the first few months; you would have to do that anyway for the most part).
My husband only started using drugs after they were prescribed because of injury. Realistically, it could have happened when my son was 10 years old just as easy; who would have thought?
Both of us were raised in two parent homes, no addiction problems. There were no signs, it just happened.
I dont worry too much about the genetic theories on drug addiction; there is not enough scientific data for me, and even the National Institute on Drug Abuse says there is up to 50% chance; they don’t know exactly at this point, and then they go on to clarify how much environmental factors come into play, and can even affect the genetic model of a person while they are living. Genetics of Addiction | National Institute on Drug Abuse
Much of my outlook on relapse and recovery comes from the months I spent working with my husbands doctors, and therapist at the rehab. They discussed relapse very openly, and it was good for both of us to face it. They also encouraged a lot of open communication while he was in treatment, so we were better able to understand each others feelings, fears, motivations. They also encouraged my working on me; focusing on my own issues, my own dreams, etc. But the two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive; its all based on what you can handle comfortably.
I don’t think you are making bad choices. I think you are nervous like all new moms, and you are also burdened with extra concerns. It sounds like you have a good support system Kyles; don’t feel bad about relying on them right now. It wont be forever. You have a lot going on right now, so try to go easy on yourself. Enjoy your baby shower; get pictures to put in your album, and don’t be afraid of the silly games or things they might ask you to put on your head.
Your boyfriend is doing the right thing. He is owning up to what he did, and reaching out for support through his method of recovery. Sound like he picked himself back up, and that takes a lot of strength.
I know you are scared for your Childs future, and wondering what will happen with his father; your relationship, and his sobriety.
I have the same worries with my son. His father is 7+ months clean now, but it is still possible he could relapse; even years from now it will be possible, but it is something I have accepted. He is my sons father, he is a good man, and it would take a lot for me to want/feel the need to remove him from his sons life. But if he was using again, then there would have to be limitations depending on his behavior because my son comes first. Also tricky, son comes first and nothing would be done in an attempt to punish or control his father.
There are just no certainties in life; I know that what will be most important to my son is providing him with a loving, calm, stable home regardless of what happens with his father. Part of that means that I have to be emotionally strong & comfortable with my own independence, and stay with my career so I'm financially stable on my own. (things I think women should be anyway)
There are no guarantees in life. Things can happen unexpectedly; sickness, death, accidents, addiction, break-ups, etc. Challenges that we have to overcome, and from that good qualities can be developed within us. It's not easy, it's not what we would have picked but we go on. Maybe in some sense that is what your friend meant? You would not have picked an addicted father, but he is what he is. But he is also a lot more than that…. Think about all of his positive qualities. He does have some right ? Also, there is hope he will recover & be able to handle equal parenting. But right now he's just beginning to heal, so you will have to play the lead role in everything. (To be honest, the first few months; you would have to do that anyway for the most part).
My husband only started using drugs after they were prescribed because of injury. Realistically, it could have happened when my son was 10 years old just as easy; who would have thought?
Both of us were raised in two parent homes, no addiction problems. There were no signs, it just happened.
I dont worry too much about the genetic theories on drug addiction; there is not enough scientific data for me, and even the National Institute on Drug Abuse says there is up to 50% chance; they don’t know exactly at this point, and then they go on to clarify how much environmental factors come into play, and can even affect the genetic model of a person while they are living. Genetics of Addiction | National Institute on Drug Abuse
Much of my outlook on relapse and recovery comes from the months I spent working with my husbands doctors, and therapist at the rehab. They discussed relapse very openly, and it was good for both of us to face it. They also encouraged a lot of open communication while he was in treatment, so we were better able to understand each others feelings, fears, motivations. They also encouraged my working on me; focusing on my own issues, my own dreams, etc. But the two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive; its all based on what you can handle comfortably.
I don’t think you are making bad choices. I think you are nervous like all new moms, and you are also burdened with extra concerns. It sounds like you have a good support system Kyles; don’t feel bad about relying on them right now. It wont be forever. You have a lot going on right now, so try to go easy on yourself. Enjoy your baby shower; get pictures to put in your album, and don’t be afraid of the silly games or things they might ask you to put on your head.
Your boyfriend is doing the right thing. He is owning up to what he did, and reaching out for support through his method of recovery. Sound like he picked himself back up, and that takes a lot of strength.
You're right, even if he's clean for years the possibility of relapse is still there. If he continues working at recovery seriously and is not using, then I want him to be involved in our child's life. I don't believe he has been using regularly or possibly even more than that one time. It made him sick and he even admitted it didn't make him feel good like he had hoped. In no way is that excusing what he did. I don't believe a relapse always has to mean they aren't taking it seriously. Obviously it means they have to work harder, but it doesn't mean their efforts to be clean aren't genuine. When I first discovered that he'd used again I couldn't even think rationally about it. I was so upset and disgusted, I couldn't even look at him. I was ready to break up with him then. I don't really want to do that though. I don't have to think long or hard to come up with a lot of good qualities he has. Even when he was heavily using he didn't turn into this completely different person. Honestly, that bothers me sometimes. I just wish he would have turned completely mean and horrible so it would make all of my decisions easier. Someone told me he just acts nice now to manipulate me. I don't think that's the case. I'm not saying he can't manipulate people - I know that happens with addiction.
I don't really know what my friend meant by what she said, but none of my friends know what to say or tell me. Everyone tries to give me advice, but it's all horrible because none of them have been anywhere near this position. Sometimes it's just easier not to talk to them about this at all.
And you're right about taking the lead for right now. I know he needs to focus on him, and I'm ok with that. I rather he do that if it means a better chance of him getting and staying clean. I know he's been encouraged to not even be in a relationship with me anymore since they aren't supposed to be in a relationship for at least a year. Everything he's done regarding the baby has been his own choice and not because I've asked him or tried to pressure him into it. He comes to all the appointments, he recently went on the hospital tour with me, he's been working full time and helping to buy a lot of stuff for the baby, he bought the nursery set and set everything up, and he's done it all without anyone asking him to. I know he wants to be involved and that gives me hope that he is trying and will continue to try harder to stay clean. I don't think he will completely give in to it knowing what it will mean as far as his child goes, but you can never really know, right? Am I just trying to rationalize things? I'm I really that naive? I don't know.
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