He relapsed - don't know what to do
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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He relapsed - don't know what to do
So I've been driving around for an hour, then I took a super hot bath, and now I'm hear venting and I don't feel any better. I'm so upset!
So, my boyfriend has been doing really great from what I can tell. He's been going to his meetings, working on getting a sponsor, working full-time, and he's registered for all his classes next semester. He's been spending a lot of time at my house. He bought the nursery set for the baby. He seems so healthy and and a lot more positive compared to when he first came home from rehab. It's not like I felt everything would go perfectly or that the hard part was over, but things were looking up. Anyway, I guess I just wasn't expecting this right now. I don't know what I was expecting. My hopes were probably too high, but not really knowingly, if that makes sense.
So, I've been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend the past few days and things have been wonderful. I was supposed to meet him at his house a few hours ago. I get over there and he's the only one home. He answers the door and it's obvious he's not "right." I didn't really know what to do. I went to the bathroom, and I admit I did peak in his room, and there was drug paraphenalia, specifically heroin and related supplies there on the table! I was so upset I went to storm out and he grabbed me and wouldn't let go. He wasn't hurting me, but he wouldn't let me leave. He wanted me to stay and talk about it, but I couldn't be there. I couldn't even look at him. Then he told me "maybe I wanted you to see it!" And then he said I was to blame because I put him under so much stress lately and all I do anymore is whine. I just don't get any of this. I mean, I get the relapse, it happens and it's not the biggest shock, but he's never acted like that before. He's always been even more mellow when using drugs and usually very vulnerable and open about it with me. I'm so upset and hurt I feel so sick.
So, my boyfriend has been doing really great from what I can tell. He's been going to his meetings, working on getting a sponsor, working full-time, and he's registered for all his classes next semester. He's been spending a lot of time at my house. He bought the nursery set for the baby. He seems so healthy and and a lot more positive compared to when he first came home from rehab. It's not like I felt everything would go perfectly or that the hard part was over, but things were looking up. Anyway, I guess I just wasn't expecting this right now. I don't know what I was expecting. My hopes were probably too high, but not really knowingly, if that makes sense.
So, I've been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend the past few days and things have been wonderful. I was supposed to meet him at his house a few hours ago. I get over there and he's the only one home. He answers the door and it's obvious he's not "right." I didn't really know what to do. I went to the bathroom, and I admit I did peak in his room, and there was drug paraphenalia, specifically heroin and related supplies there on the table! I was so upset I went to storm out and he grabbed me and wouldn't let go. He wasn't hurting me, but he wouldn't let me leave. He wanted me to stay and talk about it, but I couldn't be there. I couldn't even look at him. Then he told me "maybe I wanted you to see it!" And then he said I was to blame because I put him under so much stress lately and all I do anymore is whine. I just don't get any of this. I mean, I get the relapse, it happens and it's not the biggest shock, but he's never acted like that before. He's always been even more mellow when using drugs and usually very vulnerable and open about it with me. I'm so upset and hurt I feel so sick.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sounds as if it is time for you to make a couple of decisions. do u want to live this way? are u willing to take another chance on him? there is nothing u can do to change him or make him change. the 3 c's are, you did not cause it, you can not control it, & you sure can't cure it.
i am so sorry for you.i feel your pain. prayers,
i am so sorry for you.i feel your pain. prayers,
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I am so sorry for your pain. The disppointment of a relapse after things have been going well is particularly difficult.
Remember, please, that you DID NOT cause any of this. Period. End of story. This is a progressive disease and as time goes on the complexion of it changes, the behaviors alter...
It's impossible to deal with anyone when they are high/using. Nothing will make sense or end up mattering.
At times like this I've repeated the serenity prayer to help me focus on what I can and can't change. When I was with my ex husband I quickly realized that the only thing that was going to help me feel better was to worry about what I was doing to work my own program. I figured that when I had that down 100% I'd get around to worrying about whether he was doing what he needed to do. I had to work my own program so hard to get my mind out of his that eventually things "took" and I began to learn how to take better care of me.
Remember, as they say in AA (and I'll say it on this side of the street too)......yes.....you have a problem but we know the solutation and we're here for you. All you have to do is take the steps....it works if you work it.
Hope that you are feeling a little better.
Remember, please, that you DID NOT cause any of this. Period. End of story. This is a progressive disease and as time goes on the complexion of it changes, the behaviors alter...
It's impossible to deal with anyone when they are high/using. Nothing will make sense or end up mattering.
At times like this I've repeated the serenity prayer to help me focus on what I can and can't change. When I was with my ex husband I quickly realized that the only thing that was going to help me feel better was to worry about what I was doing to work my own program. I figured that when I had that down 100% I'd get around to worrying about whether he was doing what he needed to do. I had to work my own program so hard to get my mind out of his that eventually things "took" and I began to learn how to take better care of me.
Remember, as they say in AA (and I'll say it on this side of the street too)......yes.....you have a problem but we know the solutation and we're here for you. All you have to do is take the steps....it works if you work it.
Hope that you are feeling a little better.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by hope213 
sounds as if it is time for you to make a couple of decisions. do u want to live this way? are u willing to take another chance on him? there is nothing u can do to change him or make him change. the 3 c's are, you did not cause it, you can not control it, & you sure can't cure it.
i am so sorry for you.i feel your pain. prayers,
i am so sorry for you.i feel your pain. prayers,
Originally Posted by lightseeker
I am so sorry for your pain. The disppointment of a relapse after things have been going well is particularly difficult.
Remember, please, that you DID NOT cause any of this. Period. End of story. This is a progressive disease and as time goes on the complexion of it changes, the behaviors alter...
It's impossible to deal with anyone when they are high/using. Nothing will make sense or end up mattering.
At times like this I've repeated the serenity prayer to help me focus on what I can and can't change. When I was with my ex husband I quickly realized that the only thing that was going to help me feel better was to worry about what I was doing to work my own program. I figured that when I had that down 100% I'd get around to worrying about whether he was doing what he needed to do. I had to work my own program so hard to get my mind out of his that eventually things "took" and I began to learn how to take better care of me.
Remember, as they say in AA (and I'll say it on this side of the street too)......yes.....you have a problem but we know the solutation and we're here for you. All you have to do is take the steps....it works if you work it.
Hope that you are feeling a little better.
Remember, please, that you DID NOT cause any of this. Period. End of story. This is a progressive disease and as time goes on the complexion of it changes, the behaviors alter...
It's impossible to deal with anyone when they are high/using. Nothing will make sense or end up mattering.
At times like this I've repeated the serenity prayer to help me focus on what I can and can't change. When I was with my ex husband I quickly realized that the only thing that was going to help me feel better was to worry about what I was doing to work my own program. I figured that when I had that down 100% I'd get around to worrying about whether he was doing what he needed to do. I had to work my own program so hard to get my mind out of his that eventually things "took" and I began to learn how to take better care of me.
Remember, as they say in AA (and I'll say it on this side of the street too)......yes.....you have a problem but we know the solutation and we're here for you. All you have to do is take the steps....it works if you work it.
Hope that you are feeling a little better.
But I do know I won't behave like I did last time he was using. I won't lie and cover up for him. I won't do anything to enable him and I won't accept any of his excuses or lies.
Originally Posted by cynical one
Did you ever check on insurance for the baby?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
I am sorry for what you are going through. I endured many rounds of rehab and what I wish I did differently is this...
I wish I walked away and let him have the chance of recovery on his own...
I thought that I would make it worse for him if I left but I should have followed through with it. I would have protected myself and given him FULL responsibility for his own recovery meanwhile depleting any chance of playing the blame game.
Believe me I know what it feels like to have everything run smoothly and then all of a sudden you realize it actually wasn't going smoothly for "him" and it does make you sick...
It hurts but let this be a reminder of how it is fully his choice to pick up again. It is not your fault. He and only he can make the choice to not pick up. Please don't blame yourself.
~Best wishes
I wish I walked away and let him have the chance of recovery on his own...
I thought that I would make it worse for him if I left but I should have followed through with it. I would have protected myself and given him FULL responsibility for his own recovery meanwhile depleting any chance of playing the blame game.
Believe me I know what it feels like to have everything run smoothly and then all of a sudden you realize it actually wasn't going smoothly for "him" and it does make you sick...
It hurts but let this be a reminder of how it is fully his choice to pick up again. It is not your fault. He and only he can make the choice to not pick up. Please don't blame yourself.
~Best wishes
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Originally Posted by kyles
Then he told me "maybe I wanted you to see it!" And then he said I was to blame because I put him under so much stress lately and all I do anymore is whine. I just don't get any of this.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
I am so sorry you need to deal with this. You need to take care of yourself and the baby. Is his job and insurance coverage in jeopardy because of his relapse? It might make sense to have your plan b set up.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
working on getting a sponsor
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I fell into the same kind of thinking..."If he was getting better meant I would be better" It's just not so! My husband relapsed too every 80 something days. I couldn't believe it!!
In hindsight, in some ways I am glad he did. It's when I really starting taking my recovery a lot more serious. I realized I needed to get healthier - no matter what and it should have nothing to do with him and his recovery.
I pray you use his relapse for something good and start working on you. Your baby deserves one healthy parent and you have been selected. Trust me, I wish I had learned years ago what I know now. You have been given a great opportunity to learn and grow, don't miss out on it.
In hindsight, in some ways I am glad he did. It's when I really starting taking my recovery a lot more serious. I realized I needed to get healthier - no matter what and it should have nothing to do with him and his recovery.
I pray you use his relapse for something good and start working on you. Your baby deserves one healthy parent and you have been selected. Trust me, I wish I had learned years ago what I know now. You have been given a great opportunity to learn and grow, don't miss out on it.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
((((Kyles)))))) I have been wondering how you were. I know you wish everything would just go back to the "normal" it use to be but those times are long gone for now and possibly forever. I sometimes think it hurts us even more when we get to see them clean and back to who they were and then it starts again.
I agree he was using addict talk but kyles it gets worse as you will probably see he is showing you who he is. If at all possible try and start a program to get some support and strength before the baby gets here hon your gonna need it and it will be harder to go after your precious baby arrives.
I know I should just blame it on the drugs,
IMO, yes while high on the drugs it is drug talk however they do the same when not on the drug if trying to hold on to us or in order to get what they want from us. I blame it on my Ah not the drug.
he's never been so defensive about it, this gets worse as well they get defensive about anything that they feel may come between them and their drug as stated above if he had wanted a sponsor he would have had one.
Please take good care of you.
I agree he was using addict talk but kyles it gets worse as you will probably see he is showing you who he is. If at all possible try and start a program to get some support and strength before the baby gets here hon your gonna need it and it will be harder to go after your precious baby arrives.
I know I should just blame it on the drugs,
IMO, yes while high on the drugs it is drug talk however they do the same when not on the drug if trying to hold on to us or in order to get what they want from us. I blame it on my Ah not the drug.
he's never been so defensive about it, this gets worse as well they get defensive about anything that they feel may come between them and their drug as stated above if he had wanted a sponsor he would have had one.
Please take good care of you.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Poor Kyle. There's nothing you can do. This is the life you are going to live as long as you are with him and so emotionally entangled in his addiction and recovery.
You've received lots of good advice and support on this site. At any time, you are free to change your focus from him to you. I hope you don't wait too long before you finally "get" it as women can waste YEARS and YEARS of their lives entangled in someone elses addiction. And they perpetuate the cycle... it just goes on and on.
But you don't have to stay on this roller coaster one minute longer than you want to. YOU are in control of your future. I hope you will stay focused on school and your baby, and remember that until he decides that using is NOT worth it, and he gets serious about recovery, he is powerless over his drug, just like you are powerless over his choices.
This is a great post which may help you understand your boyfriends behavior and how powerless you are over it:
You've received lots of good advice and support on this site. At any time, you are free to change your focus from him to you. I hope you don't wait too long before you finally "get" it as women can waste YEARS and YEARS of their lives entangled in someone elses addiction. And they perpetuate the cycle... it just goes on and on.
But you don't have to stay on this roller coaster one minute longer than you want to. YOU are in control of your future. I hope you will stay focused on school and your baby, and remember that until he decides that using is NOT worth it, and he gets serious about recovery, he is powerless over his drug, just like you are powerless over his choices.
This is a great post which may help you understand your boyfriends behavior and how powerless you are over it:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Please look into an alternative plan for health insurance for you and the baby. He is a heroin addict, his employment cannot be depended on for the health of mom and child. I know that you're hurt and probably really scared, I would be scared too, but the less you depend on him the healthier you both will be. I'm sorry it turned out like this. 
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by interrupted
Please look into an alternative plan for health insurance for you and the baby. He is a heroin addict, his employment cannot be depended on for the health of mom and child. I know that you're hurt and probably really scared, I would be scared too, but the less you depend on him the healthier you both will be. I'm sorry it turned out like this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by SundaysChild
I am so sorry you need to deal with this. You need to take care of yourself and the baby. Is his job and insurance coverage in jeopardy because of his relapse? It might make sense to have your plan b set up.
Originally Posted by Taking5
I've never been to a meeting where you could not announce that you need a temporary sponsor and be unable to walk out with one. He hasn't been working too hard.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
so basically he was making excuses. doesnt sound that he was that serious. maybe he just wanted to be serious, but deep down he just wasnt ready for it. whats that saying...his actions need to match his words, and more will be revealed later. either way, what he's doing and what youre doing need not match right now. you work on you, and let him work on him. you and your baby are far more important for you than his recovery. hope things work out for you and your child.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by SeekingGrowth
Kyles, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know how heartbreaking it is to be abused in this way by the addict you love. So many of us on this board have been exactly where you are now. Let me tell you something about the statement quoted above: This is CLASSIC addict-speak. Do you see the manipulation in the "maybe I wanted you to see it"? It is CLASSIC for the addict to blame the subject of his manipulation for his drug use. Please - DON'T be so hurt by this. It is NONSENSE. He is skilled at pushing your buttons ... just like an addict. He is in the grips of his addiction, and doing what addicts do. Really, this is COOKIE-CUTTER addict behavior. You need to decide where to draw your boundaries, and your decision should be informed by the understanding that unless he gets TRULY SERIOUS about recovery ... really embraces it ... this is the type of behavior that you can expect. This is not the boyfriend who you know and love that you are dealing with. This is the Addict - your boyfriend is "possessed." And only he holds the key to finding himself again.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
Sorry for all the posts here. Anyway, later last night I called his mom and told her what happened. I already told him that I won't be lying for him anymore regarding his drug use. His parents don't want to enable him and hes only supposed to be living with them if he's clean, so I felt she needed to know. It wasn't to get back at him or anything, I just felt wrong knowing and not telling his parents. I don't know what's happened since then because I'm refusing to talk to him. He's called me about 20 times and left messages saying it wasn't my fault, he's sorry, it was the only time he's used, he didn't know what he was doing, he won't do it again.
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