unbeknownst

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend (fiancé). He has been home from the hospital now for a week since his overdose (cocaine). His parents left last Sunday. He went back to work on Monday. After his parents left, we had a huge fight. He said that I did not stand by his side when his parents were coming down on him so hard. Said he wasn’t sure he could count on me now because of the way I acted when he needed me. His parents only wanted him to get some type of HELP because he almost died. His dad did order some drug test kits before he left, and because I did not refuse to follow his advice and drug test my boyfriend if there comes a time when I think he is high and lying; he accused me again of siding with them and not caring about him. UGGHH. After he had his tantrum like a 5 year old, he had a change of heart and apologized, cried, told me he was so sorry and none of it was my fault. Since then he has been clinging to me once he gets home from work. Helping around the house, cooking dinner. The only thing is he doesn’t sleep very well. He wakes up in the middle of the night, says he is anxious or has had a bad dream. The doctor at the hospital told us that once he got home he might have some problems after the reality of what happened to him sunk in. Maybe that is what is happening?

He is still sticking to his story that he has not used drugs in over two years, but when his friend came to visit about a month ago, they did some lines of coke together and then the friend left him with a bag of it. He says that was all he had, and he regrets using it now and wishes he had thrown it out. I am so confused. The thing is he didn’t throw it out, and he was using it little by little for close to a month. I know a lot of people here said that makes him an addict. I just don’t know what to believe. I don’t know what to do. Do I just keep watching his behavior? Any advice would be great. Thanks.

P.S. I had some private messages and I will reply back once I get enough posts.

hello-kitty

I advise that you read up all you can about personal boundaries and healthy relationships. Too me it doesn't sound like you really have either.

Unfortunately what your boyfriend does is out of your control. The only thing YOU can control is your own behavior, and your reaction to other people's behavior. Therefore, start thinking about what you want out of a relationship, and whether or not your are getting it with this guy. Whenever you decide enough is enough, you can get off the roller coaster with this tantrum throwing, manipulative, dishonest, drug using boyfriend.

You cannot fix him. You cannot cure him. You cannot help him. If he's using again, you'll know soon enough. In the meantime, you can get yourself healthy so that you are not entangled in his issues.

Maybe get a copy of "co-dependent no more" or a copy of "women who love too much" and work on yourself while your boyfriend does whatever he is going to do.

Then, no matter what happens, you are a stronger, better person in the future.

dollydo

"He is still sticking to his story that he has not used drugs in over two years,"

He Od yet has not used in 2 years? Addicts live in a make believe world, they like to play "Let's Pretend"...and...they lie and when the first lie doesn't work, they regroup and lie again.

You are not his warden or his mommy, even if you were, you could not control his behavior.

What are you doing for you? Have you read the stickeys at the top of this forum, cynical one's blogs and a good startng point Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie? If not, consider doing all of the above...you cannot help him...you cannot cure him...it is all up to him.

LoveMeNow

Sounds like a tried and true manipulation tactic!! Guilt and sympathy are a codependent's Achilles heal!

eveleivibe

If you all come down hard it will make him do it all the more to get away from it - and it will just make you ill.

I know its hard but try to focus on you n doing things for you.

If he is going to use he will do it n obsessing / worrying is only wasting your time.

What can you do for you? What do you deserve? What do you want from life?

When u were in school when you thought of your future did you think I'm going to
Get a bloke who will lie to me n with whom i will obsess over whether he's going to do self destructive behaviours.

Take care n thinking of you
Evey xxx

unbeknownst

You guys are way ahead of me here. Im not obsessing or looking for ways to fix him because Im still stuck on does he really have am ongoing drug problem. I have went back over our past history and I don’t see it. I have been reading here and other places, and found many of the signs of cocaine use. The mood swings, periods of extreme talking and excitability, change in sex drive, dilated eyes, mood swings, abusive behavior towards me, a major attitude, etc. Nothing stands out, but then it really didn’t in this last month when he admitted to using. So it is all really confusing. Im just confused because I don’t have experience with drugs, or excessive drinking or anything.

I have read a lot of the stickies. I don’t really think that just because I found out two weeks ago that he was using drugs it automatically makes me sick with codependency. I think we have had a good relationship for the last couple of years. Think I mentioned in my first post, that everything has always been good. We both work, both have shared goals, both contribute to that. He has always been encouraging of anything I want to do for myself, and we enjoy spending time together, talk a lot, hardly ever argue because we each compromise a little when we disagree. His behavior the other day after his parents left was unusual. But I am not going to hold that against him because he had only been out of the hospital for two days and his parents had him really upset. I think part of the reason he has been clinging to me this week is because he wants to prove he is sorry, and he is trying in his way to show me that I can trust him. But I do get what you are saying about some of it could be manipulation. I mean if he is an addict that doesn’t want to quit then it would most likely be manipulation. But I cant tell right now. I guess it would be safest just to assume the worst, but that really isn’t the right thing to do is it?

I don’t really plan on drug testing him. I mean I guess later on I might go crazy and demand it, but if things are in that bad of shape then I don’t know if I would need to test him, because his behavior would probably be enough to make me admit something was wrong. Im assuming I would see signs like those I mentioned above ?

I will keep reading because I do want to learn. I know I must sound really naïve and basically stupid; but this is all a new thing for me and it just seems wrong to throw away all the trust we had for two years and assume the worst. Not sure any of this makes sense, but it is how I feel right now.

MiSoberbio

Hi unbeknownst,

I'm fairly new to posting here, but I just wanted to say that I see a lot of my own past reactions in your original and follow-up posts... and I imagine that is probably the same with many of the others who posted and said things that may be confusing to you now. Well, first of all, that's normal for all parties involved: people with a lot of experience in this sort of thing have learned the hard way to recognize similarities when it comes to the behavior of persons with substance abuse problems AND with persons who have intimate relationships with them (family and/or partners). However, every person is unique; every relationship is unique; and everyone's individual path is unique. So, you're justified in feeling that maybe a lot of the folks here are jumping the gun: it could very well be that your fiancé was on a personal detour for a short bit and is now getting back on track, and that your confusion over all that's gone on recently is perfectly understandable....

As things sort themselves out during this next phase of your relationship (because this experience is definitely a type of game-changer, I hope you'll agree) perhaps you can set aside some time to think about yourself a bit more, about how you felt while all that madness was going on. Having your intimate partner nearly die from secretly consuming a mind-altering substance is a BIG THING, and it might be good for you to think about your feelings regarding everything that happened – not only his overdose, but the things that happened AROUND the event: the parents ordering drug-testing kits and apparently pressuring you to make sure the son complies; the almost instant problem that that caused in your relationship with your boyfriend; a friend that comes to visit with a bag of cocaine to share, and then leaves it as a "gift"; an adult having a tantrum like a 5 year old....

How do you really feel about those things, beyond the obvious confusion? Do you really want to monitor his behavior? Do you really want to make him prove to you that he's not lying? Where does that path lead? These are the types of questions I think you should be asking yourself.

It's possible that your fiancé hasn't formed an addiction, that this truly was an aberrant episode, but it might be the right time for you to examine your reactions, motivations, and feelings of discomfort... I say that only as a suggestion, based on my personal experience. Whatever you decide to do, please know that I, along with many others here, wish you the very best.

LoveMeNow

Perhaps if you working some sort of recovery, you would know this is just an another excuse to continue active addiction.

MiSoberbio

An addendum to my post: I went back and read through the first thread you started about your boyfriend's overdose, and I was struck by two things you said there.

• The father writing a check for $1000 to reward the son if he reveals the rest of his stash, and then tearing it up.... My dear unbeknownst, that is wrong in so many ways that I can't even believe it – it's like a Hollywood screenwriter inserted it into your story. There are so many levels of dysfunction that this one episode reveals, and it makes me question you about your role as some sort of go-between in the parents' relationship with the son. I don't doubt that they love him, and that they are just as confused as you by what has happened, but you guys have jumped head-first into some seriously unhealthy behavior, for EVERYONE involved.

I live in Argentina and my recovery is happening in large part with the help of NarAnon groups here in Buenos Aires. I mention that because I am not familiar with NarAnon in the States, although there seems to be a close connection with the "mother" group. Anyway, down here, we talk about addiction being a family disease – the "addict" is not the one who is exclusively "sick" -- the whole family is affected (including spouses/significant others). From what I read in your threads, your boyfriend's parents (especially the father) are in need of their own recovery BIG TIME.

Now, that's not your job either. Their recovery is their recovery, your boyfriend's recovery is his recovery, and YOUR recovery is your very own, as well. Keep that in mind as you interact with them (the parents) and carefully consider your own choices, your own actions.


• The other thing that caught my eye was your question (again with a connection to the boyfriend's parents) about the chemical makeup of cocaine. While a certain amount of knowledge about the substance(s) that are the drug(s) of choice of our addicted loved ones is helpful and sometimes necessary, it can easily turn into an obsession, which is related to the co-dependent's desire to control. Why exactly do you want to know these things? What could it possibly mean to you, someone who doesn't consume cocaine? [And I presume that also goes for the parents.]

Are you thinking that more knowledge of the chemical makeup of cocaine (once it reaches your boyfriend) will actually DO something to help HIM? What could be motivating you all to seek this information? And where does that quest lead? In MY experience (because I suffered a similar obsession) I found myself roaming the streets of Buenos Aires at 4am, trying to find my companion in order to "save" him from the "evil" that he was immersed in.... Do I need to tell stories of the world I discovered, the utter darkness that enveloped me?

That's sick, and it's MY sickness – my companion's addiction didn't cause it. After having read through both your threads, I can see that many folks here have been pointing out the numerous warning signs and red flags that they see in your situation. They are doing this because they've been profoundly affected by something that changed their lives. It doesn't mean that your situation is hopeless – in fact, this traumatic event can bring about some much-needed healing for all of you, but it will require a lot of work on each person's part...

But this must be, ultimately, about you. Your boyfriend will seek recovery when he is ready, when he wants it. His parents have their own paths, too. You need to think about yourself, and whether or not you want your recovery.