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Should I?

Old 10-19-2012, 03:00 PM
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Should I?

As many of you know, my ABF has been attending an IOP for a little over a month now, since he got home from a 60 day residential program. When he was in the residential program, I wasn't really involved at all. They have very strict guidelines as to what they consider "family," and I guess someone's girlfriend who is pregnant with their child isn't close enough. When he was finally allowed to contact people, he was only allowed to contact family, and I wasn't included. It upset me a lot. It's not like I needed to know what was going on at every moment (okay, maybe I did at the time, but I now realize I didn't need to be THAT involved). Anyway, the facility was states away, so it's not like I could have been that involved with family therapy sessions or
anything like that anyway.

Now he's in in this out patient program and it's specifically designed for those that have recently completed residential treatment. I guess at this point in the program, they start to work with the addict and the family a lot. This time I am being included. Next week will be my first chance to go along. It's weird, but I'm not sure if I want to. A few months ago I wanted to be overly involved, and now I've sort of gone the complete opposite way. It's not that I don't care, but I've distanced myself from his recovery and his program so much. I let him talk about it if he wants to, but I don't really ask anymore. I don't know if I'm ready to open up all those emotions I've been trying to push away for a while. I feel bad if I don't participate, but I don't know if it's good or right for me to do so. I worry if I do start going to these sessions, I will get way too obsessive and involved again. I'm already feeling stressed out over it. I don't know what to do.
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Old 10-19-2012, 05:10 PM
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Kyles,

You may be stressed, but you sound so grounded in yourself, and seem to be taking care of your own feelings. So good for you and the baby! & great personal progress in a short, and very stressful time. From one mama to another, I think you should trust your instinct on whether to be part of these appointments. You said it best: "I worry if I do start going to these sessions, I will get way too obsessive and involved again. I'm already feeling stressed out over it."

When I find myself worrying about something obsessively before it happens, I often make a choice that goes against my intuition-- and so usually regret my decision. Does that make sense? You and your BF have time to revisit the issues that will be raised in his therapy appointments. Being in the last trimester of pregnancy can make a gal anxious and teary enough (my experience)! You have the skills to explain this to him in a way he will understand. You are a smart, wise woman. Do what feels right FOR YOU in this moment.

Amy

p.s. I hope you are feeling good as good as you can be and that school is going well!
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Old 10-19-2012, 06:06 PM
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Yeah, you're probably right about trusting my instincts. The problem right now is that my instincts seem to be stuck right in the middle. I still have time to decide, and it's not like if I say no this week I couldn't go the next. I feel I do have legitimate reasons for being worried about going, but then another part of me feels like it's just me being selfish. Maybe it would be good for me. But then I think it's not about me, it's about him. If I go, I feel I'll be forced to see a therapist for myself. Not that that's a bad idea anyway, but I don't want to really add all of that on my plate right now. I'm managing fine right now. And I made a big deal about the rehab not including me as family. I know I'm not really and it's not like we're married, but I'm having his baby and obviously that's a big thing is his life. I guess I feel sort of silly not participating after I wanted to so bad before.

I know exactly what you mean - usually when I worry so much about something I end up making the "wrong" decision that I regret later on.


Everything else is ok. I had the worst pain I've ever had in my life earlier this week. The doctor told me to come in right away. They did an ultrasound and everything is apparently ok. They think it was cramping. I've never felt cramps like that before! I was happy that my bf answered the phone right away and I basically had to stop him from rushing down there. It's not like he deserves an award or something, but it just makes me happy that it's so different from praying he'll be with it enough and not nod off right in the middle of an appointment. We're getting the nursery furniture this weekend. School's fine. It's the last thing I want to think about, but my grades are good.
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Old 10-20-2012, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by kyles View Post
I don't know if I'm ready to open up all those emotions I've been trying to push away for a while.
I completely understand that hesitation.

My EXAH called me in 1989 (I had left him in 1986 after I successfully completed inpatient rehab and relocated).

He was in an outpatient program (court-ordered) and they were going to have a family night. For whatever reason, there were no family members of his able to participate, so I reluctantly agreed to come.

I found myself in a large room where all of the people required to attend were parolees. I was very uncomfortable, and when I was asked if I had anything to say in regard to EXAH's addiction and how it had affected me, I shut down. I just said being there was uncomfortable and I had nothing to say.

My mind was racing all the way home because I was having flashbacks to the hell I used to live in with him. It was so overwhelming, and there I was, 3 years after leaving him and I still had all that crap buried deep within.

It took me years and years to finally deal with all of the emotions from that marriage. I did it on my time, and with people I trusted and who genuinely cared for me.

Be gentle with yourself, and not going is always an option for you, dear.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 10-22-2012, 05:48 PM
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Well, I ended up not going tonight. I planned to go. I figure I can go once and see what it's like, see if it's too much for me right now. I don't have to commit to going all the time. I feel like I should make an attempt to go for his sake. I was really upset by something else that happened today and also feel like I'm coming down with the flu, so I didn't go. I might go next week, I'm not sure.
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Old 10-22-2012, 07:57 PM
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Take care of yourself, Kyles. As some here are fond of reminding us, "More will be revealed," and you have time on your side. Don't fret. Take care.
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:41 PM
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Hi Kyles,

Its ok that you didnt go tonight. And you are right, you will have other opportunities to get involved; maybe next week if you are up to it.

I remember the first time I went to talk to the people at my husbands rehab. I was nervous; no, I was scared. Beacuse I had never done anything like that. But it was all good, and they knew I was nervous, and I think after handling addicts they knew just how to handle me ! LOL

Hope you are doing good, and feeling ok. I read about where you had the cramps and had to get checked out quick. Im so glad all was well.

Keep us posted.
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