MrsDragon

I'm placing a caution on this, because I fear it is a topic that some here may find too difficult to discuss. As I have read on other threads people sometimes state topics are too much of a trigger for their own issues and they can't go there. I respect that, but for others I think it won't cause issue, and the discussion might be enlightening.

I have thought about why my son turned to alcohol and drugs. It is something I have discussed with my doctor; and in our case I have reached the conclusion that specific events caused him so much pain that he could not cope; did not want to deal with it, and he chose first to numb the pain with alcohol, and then later cocaine. He continues to use because he is still not ready to cope. (what caused his pain in something I don't want to discuss).

Because I feel that the root cause of his substance abuse goes back to coping mechanisms; as a parent I've wondered if I had a role in not nurturing that life skill enough. It's difficult because throughout his life I have seen him handle a lot of things; and he did it responsibly and with a solid thought process. Like anyone, sometimes he struggled and found the solution, sometimes he failed and realized he had to let go and move forward.

Our son is almost 29, and he has been on his own, and handling his life for a long time. He has a nice home, many things. He's had a lot of wonderful accomplishments that he earned all on his own. He left home to attend college, and earned an advanced degree. He moved far away to begin his career and prove his skills before marrying and coming to work for his fathers business..... To me, those things do not match up with poor coping skills, or a fear of responsibility, etc.

Im not asking for suggestions about my sons root cause.

Im not looking to start a debate, so I'm personally not looking for book quotes, or views quoted from celebrity / talk show addiction specialist. Opinions are endless and usually always involve the concept of escapism--but I think it goes deeper than that.

Im asking for others to share their own personal experience if they have explored and traced back their loved ones substance abuse / addiction and defined a root cause?

The question is valid not just for parents, because I think wives & girlfriends may have strong insight.

This question is not meant to place blame for a loved ones substance abuse issues; but I often hear a tag line quoted... You didn't cause it, etc. But especially for parents I think for our own healing we need to at some point examine our child's root cause of addiction, and either reject we set the stage in some way; ignore the possibility completely; or accept our part as teacher and guide when they were children and make peace with the job we did.

Once again I will restate: I do not think I caused my sons to use substances. I'm not taking responsibility for his using. I'm not trying to find the solution to his root cause; both these thing I believe need to happen; but I also believe he is capable of handling this & will find the answers in his own time, and his own way.

My thought process is…. that in my sons case, the substance abuse is a symptom of the pain he has inside and has not been able/willing to deal with; therefore he cannot find peace without the crutch of substances.

I realize also that at some point; possibly what lies at the root can become a lesser issue than the garbled mess caused by the use of drugs / alcohol and an accumulation of negative consequences. (From my perspective I see that a lot here).

If anyone would like to share their thoughts as it relates to their own personal situation; please do.

Schab33

Yes I have done that myself. My son had ADHD as a child and to be honest it was quite exhausting to be his mother. I brought him to therapy, got him tutors, had him in sports yet the struggles he faced in school at some point became overwhelming. I did not drink or do drugs nor am I an addict. I am in the medical field and always had a respectable job. I worked hard to raise my children in the "right" side of town so what happened? I have decided that genetics in my case is the only thing that fits. My son acts like no one in my family ..but he does completely fit in with my ex-husbands family. I am not saying they are bad people they aren't but they have a bit more edge to them than most families I suppose. My brother inlaw and 2 sister inlaws have died from drug abuse and few other of my sons Uncles and cousing have done some jail time. My children honestly didn't spend that much time with that side of the family for me to say he was influenced by them which is why I conclude that genetics definately plays a role

interrupted

I am the sibling of a heroin addict. In that respect there are a slightly more limited set of things that would be a root cause for my sister that I did not also experience without becoming a drug addict. We both had a very hard childhood, but anyone in the family would say that she had it significantly easier than me. Who knows if that is true, as that's just a measure of things that we can recognize as obvious hardships - homelessness, hunger, etc. It can't take into account the perception of universe, spirit, and self that differ within each of us. I sort of think that searching for a root cause for something so abstract is nearly impossible. I think we are all much too complicated to ever really understand that, so trying to understand may not be that important, because it just doesn't really matter.

For everyone with a given trauma that is said to kick start addictive behavior there are other people with similar trauma that did not choose the same path. Cosmic lottery? Blind luck? Calculated risk management? Genetics? All of these things in just the right combination to tilt one direction or another? I don't see how we could ever know the answer to that.

More importantly, I think, is that knowing that answer wouldn't change where we are at right now or what we are facing. And for many of us, we need to change our situation for our own health and sanity, so the question becomes what exactly *can* we change and control? Because that answer is empowering and actionable. We can change and control ourselves and our reactions to others.

It's a question that I'm sure almost everyone has considered, and I find nothing triggering about it. I certainly have thought a lot about why my sister uses drugs. I spent a long time thinking that maybe it was something I did when I was raising her alone as a child. My views on personal autonomy and responsibility prevent me from carrying that guilt, though - her choices are hers to bear.

So I guess that I agree with what you state later in your post: that whatever the root cause is, even if we could know the answer to that, it is not the emergent issue.

Impurrfect

I was not raised in a codependent or addictive home. I had two great parents, did well in school, was the "good kid", had great jobs, etc. I still have no idea why I became a raging codie in love with an A, but do think that my inability to deal with the codie stuff led me to numb it out with progressively worsening substances until I became an addict.

I know my dad has asked me "what did we do wrong" (my mom died in '91) and I can honestly say "nothing". When mom was still alive and I was with XABF#1, she was crying and asking "what did I do wrong in raising you to think this is the best you deserve?" Again, I told her "nothing".

I have no idea why I went the path I did, but I feel I'm a better person because of those "life experiences" though I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.

I don't know if this helps any, it's just my experience.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

BeavsDad

Hurts my head when I ponder the what-happeneds and what-ifs.

Could I have prepared better for a genetic predisposition?
Should I have monitored the ADHD diagnosis better and futily insisted he continue the medicine once he was 18?
Should I have been way more concerned the first time I busted him with pot?
Should I have been more stern with my discipline at times instead of "he's just a normal boy doing normal boy things"?
Then BAM! It's too late.
I was looking forward to drinking his first legal beer with him and he was out smoking heroin god knows where on his 21st birthday.

I am past this stuff now. This forum has helped immensely.

I have washed my hands of that guilt.

Eddiebuckle

Spot on. I would add that while it may be an interesting excercise to ponder the root cause, it rises from an unstated assumption that "but for X" life would be different. The truth is, life isn't different, and discovering (or creating) the reason for the way it is seems a way to not stay present and deal with what is.

Chino

My husband and I gave my daughter the genetics, and she's had a few concussions. She also has PTSD, GAD, and ADD.

She'll tell you the root cause is that she didn't say no.

zoso77

Short answer to your question is no.

Everyone's brains are wired differently. I would never even consider trying coke or heroin after knowing what addiction did to guys like Jimmy Page. But other people have different pleasure centers. It is what it is. And in my case, knowing why my AXGF loved Percocet wouldn't change the bottom line: she's sick and I'm glad she's gone.

laurie6781

Although my parents taught me many things, including I believe 'coping' skills, something went amiss with me and not my sister.

It was only many years later, when I finally found recovery and started working on ME through the 12 step program that I came to realize that my alcoholism and drug usage were 'just a symptom' of deeper problems. YES, those problems started with my inability to 'cope' with different levels of stress. And mine started at an early age, 12 1/2. It didn't help that there seemed to be alcoholism in my genes. Why it affected me and not my sister is anty ones guess. It has also affected one of my sister's 4 children, and he too is now in recovery.

Please do not blame yourself. It seems that many of the 'experts for many years have stated and continue to state that about 10% of the population will become addicted, generally, and in certain areas of the world the percentage is higher, up to 18% in some areas of the world.

Now with some it can be because they are self medicating for other health problems, I had that also, so in many cases each individual has similar and also different 'root causes.'

Please continue to learn all you can about addiction to help protect you and your hubby from getting on the addiction roller coaster.

Sending healing thoughts and prayers for you, hubby, and son.

Love and hugs,

Justfor1

There are reason why people drink/drug to the extent that they will destroy their lives & those around them. Until they get to the root causes they will relapse again & again. I have known people with 20+ rehab attempts! It is about escaping pain.

SeekingGrowth

MrsDragon, I don't think it makes sense to attempt a "root cause analysis." Not even experts who make addiction their life study and work can say for sure what causes one to become an addict. Any "root cause analysis" would be sheer speculation. It appears that most often there is a genetic component - yet it strikes randomly (like most other genetically-driven traits) - one family member will get the "gene" while others will not. Even if you are genetically predisposed, you must be exposed to trigger the disease. It's true that many people are struggling with certain life issues and find that using the addictive substance gives them an escape. Sometimes the life issues are extreme; other times, they are no more than what any person experiences in their lifetime - EVERYONE has to struggle through tough issues at times. And then there are the folks who tell me that everything in their life was PERFECT - there was no problem, no "something" to escape from. They just liked the feeling of getting high. It was fun, and the switch was flipped on whatever genetic predisposition resided in their psyche, leading to addiction.

No matter how hard you search, the conclusion you reach through the best "root cause analysis" will be just a guess, and the real cause could be something else entirely. And whatever conclusion you reach might lead you to take action in exactly the WRONG way because your conclusion could very easily be WRONG. I'd let this whole thought process go if I were you, and focus on the present and the future. The "onset of addiction" part is done and over, and you'll never know exactly why it happened. Better to spend your time in the here and now rather than dwelling on a past you cannot possibly ever figure out.

hello-kitty

I think it's self destructive and pointless for me to try to figure out the root cause of someone's addiction (like my ex). I am not a professional. It's out of my realm of control Even if I could figure out the root cause of his problems, I could not make him better. He is who he is and he does what he does because he is an addict.

I could try to analyze him and his choices for the rest of my life, but that's not going to get him clean or make me happy. Instead it will only enmesh me in his addiction and his problems, and make me miserable.

I think it's more productive to look at my own behaviors and look at the root cause of why I behave the way I do. What are my own unhealthy behaviors. How can I make changes in myself to be the person to live to my fullest potential and be the person I can be.

It doesn't really matter why my ex does what he does. What matters is why I ended up with him in the first place.

outtolunch

I have lost years of sleep pondering root cause.

My head still spins when I think of the creative traumas she shared in rehabs and with Mds, therapists, trauma counselors. My personal favorite was the loss of her brother who was brutally murdered- cept that, she's an only child and never knew anyone who was murdered. Runner ups included the voices in her head and something about the horses in the barn, cept that we do not have horses or a barn. Her games led to two independent diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder. Absolute poppycock.

She now says she was curious, it never dawned on her she could become addicted and never, not once, considered consequences. She was 18-19 going on 12, at the time.

There are tens of millions of addicts and tens of millions causes. If there is a common thread amongst them, it's probably that most underestimated the power of the substances they consumed to rewire their brains.

gahope88

For me, as an addict in recovery/recovered addict (we are always in recovery), I can bluntly say that the underlying issue of my use is that I liked the effects the drugs I used gave me; no scratch that, I LOVED the effects the drugs gave me. I think that this fact is the single most ignored fact out there. Yes, I have bipolar. Yes, my parents could have done certain things better. But if I used those excuses to explain my drug addiction, it would be just that an excuse. And I have heard a lot of other addicts express this sentiment too. Another interesting thing that you will here at a lot of speak meetings in AA, is that a lot of users started drinking/using because they found that it filled a void in them. I definitely found that to be true with me. This is referred to as a spiritual malady and I have found that only my high power can fill this void (and keep me sober). Hope that helps. Probably not that answer you were looking for.

cangel2

Root cause is my son's work not mine. I keep going back to the fact that "I didn't Cause it".

He will discover what he needs to about his past and how he chose to process things. I can't do that for him and I would never presume to know where to start or even think I could direct that. If he has questions....I am here to answer them 100% from my perspective.

His life is his life....his thoughts are his own...his processing of the past is important only to him.

I do my own work around these questions and issues for me and my development. I trust that my son will do the same.

Even though my son is a "young adult (22)" in comparison with your son who is older I have decided to give him the gift of his own life....I did that 22yrs ago to some degree when I gave birth to him....I have now given it to him without any strings attached to any outcome. I love him...I always will no matter the choices he makes. He is my dear son and he has a large piece of my heart. He knows that and he feels secure in knowing that. How he and I interact in our lives that depends on our ability to respect each other's needs and boundries. Same as with anyone in our lives.

Just sharing my perspective and experience.

NoelleR

I don't "do" root causes; I find it to be psycho-babble; trying to put logical reasoning on the illogical. I prefer what the BB says...............:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol." (AA BB; pg xxvi)

(o:
NoelleR

Sunshine2

My immediate response, especially for mothers, is how could you possibly think we have not done that over and over again? I almost went mad with guilt about all the things I did that "caused" my son's addiction and he got a lot of mileage out of that guilt for more than 10 years.

It will drive you insane doing this. It will prevent you from moving on because you cannot go back and fix whatever you think you did wrong. The reality is that you and me and every one else did the best we knew how.

For years I watched my eldest sister blaming my parents and her husband for everything wrong in her life. I saw how my parents buying into that stopped her from ever taking responsibility for her actions. She is in her 60s and still hasn't taken responsibility for her life. Sad, really.

Parents make mistakes and people go through bad experiences. Life happens. To use that as an excuse not to take responsibility for your actions is the most self-destructive thing anyone can do. Your son is an adult. Unless someone took a pill and forced it down his throat or put a pipe in his mouth and held his nose shut, he is the only one responsible for being an addict.

I see addiction as having a strong genetic root. People experiment and some become addicted. Every human being suffers emotional pain. Going through it is the best way to learn coping skills. Some choose the easy way out and drown it, only to find that in the long term it causes a lot more pain.

The biggest mistake I did with my son was not letting him learn those coping skills and trying to smooth his road ahead of him. Is there anyway that I could have known my love for him stopped him from growing? Absolutely not. But I did it and he chose drugs as his method of coping. I am way past playing the blame game.

MrsDragon, I get the impression that you mistake the coping skills we learnt for heartlessness and not caring enough. You said you know all about addiction after 2 years. I understand where you are coming from because you remind me of myself after two years. You will feel differently after 10 and 20 years of living with addiction in your life.

We do not love our children any less than you do. We do not wish for their addiction to stop any less than you do. We are not less compassionate and caring than you are. We just reached a stage where we had to finally accept reality.

I hope that it will not be necessary for you to reach this stage and that your son will find recovery. I must be honest with you, from what you have shared so far it doesn't look good. I hope I am wrong.

YearForMe

Genetic predisposition + opportunity = Addiction

Justfor1

IMO root causes in addiction is the giant pink elephant in the room that people want to ignore or dismiss. No addict wakes up one day & decides to destroy their lives. It's not the families job to figure out the root causes but for the addict it is. Why did they pick up to begin with? Peer pressure & college party atmosphere is not as great as people think. Especially, when an addict picks up heroin or cocaine. I mean normal, mentally stable people do not pick up a crack pipe or inject illegal narcotics.

AlwaysGrowing

WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY

I think everyone in this world asks that question. I do not think we are smart enough to truly understand the reasons why. We are at an altitude of 100ft and the answer is at an altitude of 5000 miles.

Everyday science reverses a claim or study. Just too many variables. Sure genes play a factor, sure home life has a factor, sure xxxx, yyyyy, and zzzzz have a factor. Today at this point these are the facts: (aka the 3 c's). My 1st wife died from this stuff. I often asked during the addiction, God WHY. Why us, Why my family..

I have come to the conclusion I must play the cards I have, and need to accept life as it is today. Kind of sucks as I can't have my answers and my way,, but that is reality.

So yes, everyone asks why. Only God knows the answer. Seek him and find peace and comfort.

AG