Faithlove

I was doing fine without him. I really didn't miss him and didn't even like talking to him. Then two weeks ago, I let AH visit with our kids and I supervised because his parents were out of town. I'd supervised a few other visits and although I didn't enjoy being around him, I was ok. But this visit was different and I found myself beginning to miss him and wondering if he really is going to be ok. God can do anything, right? The visit was in a public place and we seemed like a normal family to everyone else. AH was great with the kids and really nice to me. I was the one standing in the way of us being the perfect family we were supposed to be. And I wanted him to get better and I wanted to be his wife. So I encouraged him to visit the next day, and the next. And then before I knew it, I was asking him to move back home!!!!

Now it's been two weeks and all my lovey-dovey feelings for him are gone. I'm going back to just tolerating him.....but sometimes I do still enjoy his company. God, I've really let myself down. I'm a liar because he doesn't know I really don't want to be with him most of the time. I'm not the best mother because I'm letting someone who isn't in recovery/new to recovery (I can't decide....he's on methadone and goes to group meetings there. I'm not a fan of methadone. It's still a narcotic) live with my children; I'm also subjecting my kids to the nonsense of going back and forth. I know it's bad. I do. But, when I let him come back home, I really thought everything was going to be ok.

I hate being so weak and indecisive. I hate lying to him and to myself. I hate making my kids go through this. I know, after re-reading some posts on here, how detrimental it is to children to grow up in a home with an addcited parent and with a parent (me) that allows all this back-and-forth nonsense. I let myself down because I threw all my boundaries out the window. My main one was not to let him come back home until he was off methadone and could pass a hair follicle test. I just completely forgot about that awesome boundary I had put in place.

My books and workbooks, Co-Dependent No More and Boundaries came in the mail on Wednesday. I went to my first Boundaries class Wednesday evening. AH's mother said to him, "Faithlove isn't going to come back from this meeting and kick you out again, is she?" He reassured her that I wouldn't and that this is a good class.....that we could all use boundaries. He's very intelligent. But then he said to me, "See, you've got everyone worried that that is what you'll do." I said, "Well, you've got my family, and me, worried that I'll be married to a drug addict for the rest of my life."

I also went to Celebrate Recovery with AH. I hated it. I don't belong there. I'm not an addict and I don't want other people in the room to think I am one. I know that's super bratty and snobby of me but the addicts I know have done terrible things to others and themselves and I don't want to be mistaken for them. Although, I'm also not without sin. (I have gone to Al-Anon a couple of times and I didn't hate being there.)

I don't feel like a very supportive wife and I don't even want to be. I guess I'll suck it up and talk to him. He's going to hate me. His family is going to hate me. I was over all of this. I didn't care if they were mad or not. Now, I'm right back to Square 1. I'm nervous and anxious. I'm wondering if he's using, why he twitches so much in his sleep, who he's texting, talking to, where's really at, why his pupils are always pinpoints..... And I'm letting the FOG set in.

I wish God would just smack me!
Ok, thanks for reading.

Ann

Awww, sweetie, all I hear is that he'll hate you, his family will hate you, your child will be messed up and you really are unhappy living the way you do.

You are responsible for you and your child only. What others think doesn't mean diddly because they are not living your life and don't know what you know.

So maybe take a very deep breath, keep going to your meetings, and make a plan for yourself and your child..what your boundaries are if you stay and what you will do if your boundaries are crossed. Nobody else can control your life unless you let them. I know it's hard, I know it breaks your heart, but there comes a time where you have to look ahead a year or 5 years and figure out how your life may look then.

Sometimes we have to do things that hurt, if we ever want our lives to be better. It's called growing pains and we've all had them.

You will be okay, really you will, you ARE okay now and just don't know it. Just keep your focus on you and your daughter and if your home life is not nurturing to either one of you, it's time to find a new home.

Hugs

gurlie214

Faithlove,
Be kind to yourself. We are human and have strong feelings and particularly feel weak when it comes to what's best for our children. You had a moment (or 5) of nostalgia and wanted your family back together. I get it. Maybe just tell him you realize now that it was too soon in YOUR recovery to make that decision and lay it out there. God knows he's made enough flaky decisions that I think you deserve a few yourself. I will say, STAY IN BOUNDARIES class. It changed my life, literally! Give it a little more time, maybe? Obviously your call; but you sure don't want to kick him out then regret that?

When my RAH first came back from rehab I told him on more than one occasion that I thought I let him move back in with us too soon. I felt that way a good bit, but chose to let him stay (for the kids) and see if I could work through it. We are great now; but only because I see how committed he is to his recovery. He is a very different person and I am still learning about this new, sober man. All you can do is focus on YOU and YOUR RECOVERY and your Boundaries class and first and foremost, your kids. He is secondary to your own work and prioritizing things that way may help you look at him differently. All that being said, if you find out he is using........kick his a$$ out immediately! That's a deal breaker!!! And who gives what his family says!?? Boundaries...you will learn about this in Boundaries! Remember your circle of concern is only trying to change the things you have control over (yourself!!).

Faithlove

Thank you, Ann.

Faithlove

Thank you, gurlie214. I guess I never thought about it that way. I was always just thinking it had to be all or nothing.
But, I can tell him I made that decision too early in my recovery. I can also let him stay because I don't want to act impulsively and then regret it later. I can still put my boundaries in place that if he uses, he's O-U-T!

Freedom1990

I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times I have relapsed in my recovery from codependency over the past 13 years. We are human, dear.

I truly believe that each of us are where we are right now for a reason.

I agree with Ann:
You are not alone, I promise. You have an amazing awareness that I never had during the years I was with my EXAH.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other!

outtolunch

He has. Your husband moved back and you are miserable.

Faithlove

But, I don't have to be miserable. I bring some of the misery on myself.

I'm not familiar with how people who are on methadone should act, so I asked the Methadone/Suboxne Board. It seems that my AH is acting as he should. Because I wasn't knowledgeable about some of the effects of methadone, I started getting anxious. I began thinking that he may be abusing the methadone or another drug. I can't just ask him, because I don't trust him. I don't trust him becasue of everything he's done. So, my anxiousness brought back all the old feelings I experience when he is using- resentment, entrapment, disgust, etc.

Those feelings replaced any of the hopeful feelings I had about him or us and he really hadn't done anything this time. He's been working, paying people back that he's stolen and borrowed from, paying bills, etc. I'm still going to talk to him about how I've let myself down by letting go of some of my boundaries. If we're ever going to have a relationship, we both need to be honest. I can't pretend everything is ok when it's not.

My boundaries will be clearly defined for myself and for him.

FindingErica

FL, I too had those feelings at times when AH was here. I can't tell you what to do but don't make decisions based on who will be disappointed or mad.

dollydo

"I wish God would just smack me!"

You have been smacked over and over again...maybe it's time to stand up, be honest, and stop repeating your mistakes....over and over again. You are the captain of your own ship, steer it.

outtolunch

Boundaries are establioshed to protect the boundary setter and minor children. Boundaries begin with "I". For example, " I will not live with someone in active addiction or early recovery". Boundaries do not seek to control other people's behavior.A boundary is only as good as the setter's willingness to enforce it, upon themselves.


Attempts to control other people usually begin with "you". For example, "you will / will not ... or else..." Attempts to control other people result in mutual resentments and do not work.

Faithlove

I meant my AH will know what my boundaries are because they'll be so clearly defined. When I re-read that I thought that people might think I'm trying to set boundaries for him . I'm not.

supportforme

Don't be so hard on yourself. I can't give you much advice as I have similar struggles often. I continuously come to this board for the strength I need. For me, it's the reality that it would be unhealthy for ME if I let him back b/c of the kids resulting in an unhealthy and dysfunctional environment for the kids. As a woman I am done. There are no doubts. I stayed for too long for the kids and realized that by doing so I put them at risk. He is early in his recovery there are many ups and downs and he needs time to work on himself. I need to focus on me and my kids needs right now. It's a personal decision only you can make - it would make ME crazy and insane if I allowed him back. Set your boundries and keep yourself healthy. Hang in there.