Looking at the Root Cause of my Son's Substance Abuse - Have you ever done that ?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by seek 
I think it's a fallacy that there is a "gene."
Genetics is an Important Factor in Addiction
'Addiction Gene' Identified By Yale Researchers In Women Of European Origin
Male Impulsivity & Addiction Linked to One Gene | Behavioral Genetics | Addiction, Obesity, Violence | LiveScience
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
It is about our healing not his.
That's cool. Of course as parents you feel responsible for things going awry.
I know my parents did, and honestly, my upbringing truly did cause me a lot of strife in my later years. What I realized was, it was up to me to heal it, and it was up to may parents to heal theirs. Feeling guilt and wondering what went wrong is pretty human IMO.
I hope that the two of you can find healing, it may be a step in the direction of family healing.
Take good care, Katie
That's cool. Of course as parents you feel responsible for things going awry.
I know my parents did, and honestly, my upbringing truly did cause me a lot of strife in my later years. What I realized was, it was up to me to heal it, and it was up to may parents to heal theirs. Feeling guilt and wondering what went wrong is pretty human IMO.
I hope that the two of you can find healing, it may be a step in the direction of family healing.
Take good care, Katie
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I often wondered about my mother's root cause but not my own. I have no idea why that is. I guess it just didn't make sense to me why a mom would drink instead of take care of her kids......even though I'm an alcoholic myself and I get it.......When it comes to those I love, the stuff I 'know' does not compute. Emotions take over.
At this point in my recovery from alcoholism it doesn't matter any more. Could my parents have done some things differently? Of course. But did anything they do cause my alcoholism. Absolutely not. Before I got sober that's probably not what I would have told you. In recovery, I know that I am responsible for all of my actions. All of them.
At this point in my recovery from alcoholism it doesn't matter any more. Could my parents have done some things differently? Of course. But did anything they do cause my alcoholism. Absolutely not. Before I got sober that's probably not what I would have told you. In recovery, I know that I am responsible for all of my actions. All of them.
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Location: Eastern Time Zone
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Yes, Mrs.Dragon, I did in the beginning look for the root causes and my complicity in the whole thing. It was part of my journey and sounds like it is part of your journey, too. It's not part of my journey any more, though.
Hope that helps.
Hope that helps.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
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Bravo!!!
Allforcnm, BRAVO!!!!
In my opinion, you explained it really well how I interpreted this thread.
"resolving (within ourselves) responsibility in regards to their parenting abilities, in order to move forward."
It is extremely brave and honest for MrsDragon to ponder and ask this question of herself and inviting others to weigh in too. How else do we grow, learn, forgive (ourselves and others)? And this should be the place where we can try to figure this out... No?
It's all a process...
In my opinion, you explained it really well how I interpreted this thread.
"resolving (within ourselves) responsibility in regards to their parenting abilities, in order to move forward."
It is extremely brave and honest for MrsDragon to ponder and ask this question of herself and inviting others to weigh in too. How else do we grow, learn, forgive (ourselves and others)? And this should be the place where we can try to figure this out... No?
It's all a process...
Originally Posted by allforcnm
The way I read it, some people said it didnt matter. Didnt matter if their was mental illness, or learning disabilities, etc. because addiction is addiction. I just dont buy that.
And I think the OP made it clear its not about placing blame for the other persons addiction, and its not even about fixing the other persons addiction; its about the parent resolving their feelings of responsibility in regards to their parenting abilities, in order to move forward.
My husband and I have talked about his root cause. It was not a big deal to talk about it, didnt take years, and it isnt something I obsess over or think I need to control. Not at all.
But talking about what he thinks it might have been; that does help us as parents make better choices for raising our son. To me, that is really important.
And if I was a parent in this situation, then I can see where I would want to see if there was a root cause that was traced back to their childhood. Because then I would want to accept that responsibility. And if I felt I had failed in some aspect of parenting; then I would have to accept that, and I would have to deal with it. That would be MY problem to overcome. Parenting is an huge responsibility.
Personally, I think looking at root cause for a parent is a healthy thing to do, and also I think it’s a brave thing to do.
And I think the OP made it clear its not about placing blame for the other persons addiction, and its not even about fixing the other persons addiction; its about the parent resolving their feelings of responsibility in regards to their parenting abilities, in order to move forward.
My husband and I have talked about his root cause. It was not a big deal to talk about it, didnt take years, and it isnt something I obsess over or think I need to control. Not at all.
But talking about what he thinks it might have been; that does help us as parents make better choices for raising our son. To me, that is really important.
And if I was a parent in this situation, then I can see where I would want to see if there was a root cause that was traced back to their childhood. Because then I would want to accept that responsibility. And if I felt I had failed in some aspect of parenting; then I would have to accept that, and I would have to deal with it. That would be MY problem to overcome. Parenting is an huge responsibility.
Personally, I think looking at root cause for a parent is a healthy thing to do, and also I think it’s a brave thing to do.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by CanfixONLYme
Allforcnm, BRAVO!!!!
In my opinion, you explained it really well how I interpreted this thread.
"resolving (within ourselves) responsibility in regards to their parenting abilities, in order to move forward."
It is extremely brave and honest for MrsDragon to ponder and ask this question of herself and inviting others to weigh in too. How else do we grow, learn, forgive (ourselves and others)? And this should be the place where we can try to figure this out... No?
It's all a process...
In my opinion, you explained it really well how I interpreted this thread.
"resolving (within ourselves) responsibility in regards to their parenting abilities, in order to move forward."
It is extremely brave and honest for MrsDragon to ponder and ask this question of herself and inviting others to weigh in too. How else do we grow, learn, forgive (ourselves and others)? And this should be the place where we can try to figure this out... No?
It's all a process...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
When our son first started drinking and using drugs; I know it was because of the personal trauma he suffered. That part I've never questioned. For other people maybe there was no obvious starting point, so now I understand that maybe it can be much more complicated & frustrating to try to dig deeper and look for a root cause.
I had thought about this initially when my son started using; but then he seemed to get better and I really looked no deeper than explaining it away because of the trauma situation.
But now since I know he's using coke again; it's something that I have been exploring. And again, it's not about my son; it's about me, and peace within myself.
It's good to know others have also went through the process; I'm sad for those that got muddled down in it & for which it caused more pain than relief. But I'm really happy to hear others found it to be an important step along their journey and they found closure.
And I was really impressed by people who said they wanted to know their spouses root cause, because they thought it might help them make improvements in their own parenting. IF there is a pattern of negative learning in families, then I think defining it, is the first step in breaking the link for future generations.
Thank you again to everyone who shared with me here.
I had thought about this initially when my son started using; but then he seemed to get better and I really looked no deeper than explaining it away because of the trauma situation.
But now since I know he's using coke again; it's something that I have been exploring. And again, it's not about my son; it's about me, and peace within myself.
It's good to know others have also went through the process; I'm sad for those that got muddled down in it & for which it caused more pain than relief. But I'm really happy to hear others found it to be an important step along their journey and they found closure.
And I was really impressed by people who said they wanted to know their spouses root cause, because they thought it might help them make improvements in their own parenting. IF there is a pattern of negative learning in families, then I think defining it, is the first step in breaking the link for future generations.
Thank you again to everyone who shared with me here.
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