So much anger...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
When I discovered that I was codependent, I began a journey that I have now been on 15 years. It's a journey of discovery. Sometimes it is very painful, sometimes very serene, and sometimes hopeful. I started by going to Al-Anon and reading as much as I could. (SR didn't exist back then). I'd like to share with yo a quote that talks about this journey, really the beginning of it. It's by a man named Walker Percy.
The search is what any man would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life.
To become aware of the search is to be onto something.
Not to be onto something is to be in despair.
To me, this describes the essence of Recovery. I hope you become aware of the search. And I hope you begin your journey.
The search is what any man would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life.
To become aware of the search is to be onto something.
Not to be onto something is to be in despair.
To me, this describes the essence of Recovery. I hope you become aware of the search. And I hope you begin your journey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
So. Here I am again. The past two days he left the house for hours. The past two days have seen almost as many lies as in our whole relationship, it seems. I woke up today at 9am and he was out on the couch, awake, fidgeting, house smelled like puke again...just like yesterday. He throws up on opiates when he's been off or taking a low dose and then takes too much again. It's literally the only time he does that.
Then I find a big bottle of pills just sitting right on the bookshelf. Carelessness on his part, which validates my suspicions about him being on something. I open up the bottle and he is telling me they are withdrawal meds that he got from the same person who has helped him out (enabled him) in the past. The same person who he just told me two days ago he DID talk to, but "not about that". I pulled one pill out, examined it, put it back in, and threw the bottle. Googled it--Oxy. I reminded him how many times I have seen him in withdrawal, on meds, on too many meds, etc. and therefore, there's no way I was going to believe he wasn't high. I told him to get out and said the relationship is over and I'm tired of his lies and I'm not dealing with it. Went in the bedroom and locked the door and shortly thereafter, I heard him leave.
He tried texting me some bulls**t a little while ago and the lies were just pathetic at this point...like, the Oxy I pulled out was the ONLY one in the bottle...and when I threw the bottle I crushed ALL the pills, so it doesn't matter now. ..and the only thing he's on are anti-nausea pills. Whatever. He just came back and came in the bedroom, which was unlocked because I have been in and out, and grabbed some clothes. I said nothing. He said nothing. I could tell by his breathing and his whole being that he is on some opiate or another. He smells like the house. I got so anxious I took a Xanax to get the sick feeling out of my stomach. I don't know what's going to happen. I just broke. I can't deal. Told him that we both needed help (in an earlier text) and I was going to work on my issues and if he wanted to he could just keep right on blaming me for his. Nothing I can do.
I don't think I have a point. I just needed to do something to calm my nerves and get this out in words. So glad I found this forum.
Then I find a big bottle of pills just sitting right on the bookshelf. Carelessness on his part, which validates my suspicions about him being on something. I open up the bottle and he is telling me they are withdrawal meds that he got from the same person who has helped him out (enabled him) in the past. The same person who he just told me two days ago he DID talk to, but "not about that". I pulled one pill out, examined it, put it back in, and threw the bottle. Googled it--Oxy. I reminded him how many times I have seen him in withdrawal, on meds, on too many meds, etc. and therefore, there's no way I was going to believe he wasn't high. I told him to get out and said the relationship is over and I'm tired of his lies and I'm not dealing with it. Went in the bedroom and locked the door and shortly thereafter, I heard him leave.
He tried texting me some bulls**t a little while ago and the lies were just pathetic at this point...like, the Oxy I pulled out was the ONLY one in the bottle...and when I threw the bottle I crushed ALL the pills, so it doesn't matter now. ..and the only thing he's on are anti-nausea pills. Whatever. He just came back and came in the bedroom, which was unlocked because I have been in and out, and grabbed some clothes. I said nothing. He said nothing. I could tell by his breathing and his whole being that he is on some opiate or another. He smells like the house. I got so anxious I took a Xanax to get the sick feeling out of my stomach. I don't know what's going to happen. I just broke. I can't deal. Told him that we both needed help (in an earlier text) and I was going to work on my issues and if he wanted to he could just keep right on blaming me for his. Nothing I can do.
I don't think I have a point. I just needed to do something to calm my nerves and get this out in words. So glad I found this forum.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
"I just broke. I can't deal. Told him that we both needed help (in an earlier text) and I was going to work on my issues and if he wanted to he could just keep right on blaming me for his. Nothing I can do."
Yes you CAN deal. You don't need a Xanax to cope with this. You have it within you to be a strong, self-supporting, emotionally healthy woman. You have accomplishments in life separate and apart from this person that you need to start remembering. There is a you inside of you that lived before this person. You cannot live a healthy, happy life trying to be in a relationship with a drug addict. Period. You know this. Your house smells like throw-up! Cut the cord. He is not in this relationship with you for healthy reasons.
Al-Anon.
Yes you CAN deal. You don't need a Xanax to cope with this. You have it within you to be a strong, self-supporting, emotionally healthy woman. You have accomplishments in life separate and apart from this person that you need to start remembering. There is a you inside of you that lived before this person. You cannot live a healthy, happy life trying to be in a relationship with a drug addict. Period. You know this. Your house smells like throw-up! Cut the cord. He is not in this relationship with you for healthy reasons.
Al-Anon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
I have an Al-Anon meeting list and plan to go to one soon. In New Hampshire, there is a shortage of meetings that are remotely convenient. But I am in a place where I might just drive an hour.
As for the Xanax, it is a prescription. And I truly don't take more than prescribed. However, this is the ONLY time since I've had said prescription (5 years) that I've ever come close to taking as much as prescribed (1/2-1--2x/day--.5mg) and I know that's a serious indication that this situation is WAAAAAY too unhealthy. I just don't want to give anyone the idea that I'm throwing back benzos while getting pissed off at opiates. Another part to MY story is that I have had a lifelong phobia that is kind of strange but not as uncommon as you would think. I am terrified of vomit. And as I mentioned in an earlier post, when I am stressed out I can't eat and I'm losing too much weight. With the house smelling like it does, him behaving like he is, and being sick like that, I really was on the verge of panic, so I did take a pill. I need to be able to eat, badly. A lot of people have a difficult time understanding the vomit-phobia, but if you google "emetophobia", you will see it's a real thing. I have improved a great deal over time, but I'm nowhere near over it.
Anyway, the cord is cut. I just want to be able to hold my ground. I just took a shower and I feel much more at peace without his presence in the house. I sprayed Febreeze (sp?) all over the place. I realized the anxiety lingering in me still is that I'm afraid he will come back, still f***ed up, still sick. And I thought, I really can't take it anymore. I physically don't think I am capable of riding this roller coaster anymore. Or emotionally. Or any way.
I'm taking the dog as soon as I am dressed and heading to spend some time with a trusted friend. And also picking up a copy of "Codependent No More". No joke.
As for the Xanax, it is a prescription. And I truly don't take more than prescribed. However, this is the ONLY time since I've had said prescription (5 years) that I've ever come close to taking as much as prescribed (1/2-1--2x/day--.5mg) and I know that's a serious indication that this situation is WAAAAAY too unhealthy. I just don't want to give anyone the idea that I'm throwing back benzos while getting pissed off at opiates. Another part to MY story is that I have had a lifelong phobia that is kind of strange but not as uncommon as you would think. I am terrified of vomit. And as I mentioned in an earlier post, when I am stressed out I can't eat and I'm losing too much weight. With the house smelling like it does, him behaving like he is, and being sick like that, I really was on the verge of panic, so I did take a pill. I need to be able to eat, badly. A lot of people have a difficult time understanding the vomit-phobia, but if you google "emetophobia", you will see it's a real thing. I have improved a great deal over time, but I'm nowhere near over it.
Anyway, the cord is cut. I just want to be able to hold my ground. I just took a shower and I feel much more at peace without his presence in the house. I sprayed Febreeze (sp?) all over the place. I realized the anxiety lingering in me still is that I'm afraid he will come back, still f***ed up, still sick. And I thought, I really can't take it anymore. I physically don't think I am capable of riding this roller coaster anymore. Or emotionally. Or any way.
I'm taking the dog as soon as I am dressed and heading to spend some time with a trusted friend. And also picking up a copy of "Codependent No More". No joke.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Mstrust, you are headed in the right direction. As for the Xanax, I think it is indication that something is seriously wrong in a relationship if you have to take something to deal with the anxiety that stems from it. Believe me, I know, I thought I was losing my mind last month. My anxiety was so fierce I couldn't sleep at night, was high strung, not eating. I didn't ask my doc for anything mostly because of my profession. But I understand where you are at. There is a light, for my own sanity I have had to cut contact down to a bar minimum- email only. He has no address or phone number for me. My anxiety decreased a good 90%. I encourage you to do what needs to be done to take care of you. It is not wrong to take care of yourself and make him take care of himself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
I've been getting texts on and off all day about what an a**hole I am...and how can I do this to him. I said he has the power to change the situation, that I am aware of and working on my issues with him or without him, and he is making his own choices. I told him all I want is for the lies to stop and for him to get help because the situation has gotten really bad. I got a few more guilt-inducing texts about how he is all alone, can't work on himself that way, he is homeless, it's raining. I said if you want to work WITH me, I want to do that too, but I can't take all the blame and me fixing me is not going to fix you. He won't address anything he has done or take any responsibility for himself. Whatever is happening right now is all my fault and because I am "out of control". He also suddenly wants to repeatedly accuse me of having found someone else. Deflection. I feel awful and I haven't eaten anything today. I did buy the book though.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Stay strong. Don't read his texts. You know they will only tell you what a terrible person you are. You need to fill your life with affirming people--not someone who tears you down. You are better than that. You can have the life you long for. It can begin today. Don't slip and entertain any notion of seeing your boyfriend at this point in time--or ever. He has a lot of work to do if he wants to ever change and he can do it very nicely on his own. Let him go to sink or swim. Take care of you. Start today and stay true to yourself. Don't let anyone ever again drag you down to where you feel you have to take a Xanex to cope. Get rid of the irritation and you won't need to fix it with your own drug. Good luck. I truly hope you will do the right thing and start putting you first.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Mstrust, I can remember when I was so angry and I still get that way sometimes there has been a big difference since I started taking better care of me oh heck who am I trying to fool it got better when I realized and fully accepted that I can ONLY take care of me and that I had a right to take care of me I was so busy taking care of everyone I didn't think I was suppose to take care of me.
Posting here and my meetings and step work are the only reasons I have any sanity left.
My doctor has had me on Valium for quite a few years and I have never taken as prescribed yet I did find myself the last two or three months before I asked my AH to move out taking more then I usually would still not over my prescribed dosage but not a good thing.
Your a very smart woman you have started on the right path you may stumble at times I know I do. I just pull my big girl panties up and keep going.
Welcome to SR.
Posting here and my meetings and step work are the only reasons I have any sanity left.
My doctor has had me on Valium for quite a few years and I have never taken as prescribed yet I did find myself the last two or three months before I asked my AH to move out taking more then I usually would still not over my prescribed dosage but not a good thing.
Your a very smart woman you have started on the right path you may stumble at times I know I do. I just pull my big girl panties up and keep going.
Welcome to SR.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
Trying to take care of me. Not doing that great of a job. I feel defeated and I just don't have any idea how this is going to go.
I kicked him out last Saturday and i went to pick him up Monday. Before we were halfway home, he lied to me. I didn't find out until the morning. He said he had only one medication with him when really he had two. Then when I confronted him, he tried to say he didn't know he had them. Ok, yeah, whatever.
So he ran off again while I was at work and went back to stay where he has been--at the house of a friend who has been the one to give him meds when he's run out of his own, whether to help his withdrawal or to replace the opiate. He says this time that's not what was happening. I know that: A. Yes, it was. and B. He was totally avoiding me and the entire situation.
He is here again now after days of texting back and forth and him talking like he is coming back and then at the last minute, he's not. I haven't been eating much. I've been crying a lot. He's been jumping on anything I say. Always thinking I'm trying to fight. Turning it all around. I know I've done things wrong. I am absolutely codependent and I absolutely don't help sometimes, that's for sure...but again, whatever.
We aren't talking much at all. I'm scared to say much. I don't want to start a fight, I don't want to be NON-productive, I don't feel like making small talk. He tells me he doesn't know what he's going to do, as far as his medication is concerned. He has an appt. next week. I suppose I will see how this goes. I am working on me. I don't know what he's going to do. I guess that's up to him.
I kicked him out last Saturday and i went to pick him up Monday. Before we were halfway home, he lied to me. I didn't find out until the morning. He said he had only one medication with him when really he had two. Then when I confronted him, he tried to say he didn't know he had them. Ok, yeah, whatever.
So he ran off again while I was at work and went back to stay where he has been--at the house of a friend who has been the one to give him meds when he's run out of his own, whether to help his withdrawal or to replace the opiate. He says this time that's not what was happening. I know that: A. Yes, it was. and B. He was totally avoiding me and the entire situation.
He is here again now after days of texting back and forth and him talking like he is coming back and then at the last minute, he's not. I haven't been eating much. I've been crying a lot. He's been jumping on anything I say. Always thinking I'm trying to fight. Turning it all around. I know I've done things wrong. I am absolutely codependent and I absolutely don't help sometimes, that's for sure...but again, whatever.
We aren't talking much at all. I'm scared to say much. I don't want to start a fight, I don't want to be NON-productive, I don't feel like making small talk. He tells me he doesn't know what he's going to do, as far as his medication is concerned. He has an appt. next week. I suppose I will see how this goes. I am working on me. I don't know what he's going to do. I guess that's up to him.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Red bank nj
Posts: 68
Mystrust I feel your pain and I can identify with everyone of your posts and all that responded. The lies the disappearing for hours the dope sick the mood swings the blame that they put on us the anxiety I started to experience
the consuming thoughts of what is he doing where is he is lying or telling the truth etc... I can only tell you it took me years to finally throw in the towel and say even though I was sure I had found my soul mate before this started and he became another person I had to let go. My life is still a mess financially. Emotionally I have some peace but still a lot of bad days but not like before, I am slowly moving forward. I grieve the man I married I haven't seen that man in years. I find it unfathomable that that this is what he choose to do rather than save our marriage. Addiction is a very powerful disease and even though I wanted a totally different outcome I have finally accepted that this is the reality of the situation. It's the hardest thing I have ever been through and I feel your pain. I kept thinking this is a phase and things won't go on like this forever but they only got worse and worse he lost all respect for me eventually and I guess you could say I did for him too as well as trust and a relationship without either of these things will never be a healthy one. It's not any easy road It takes great strength to get through it one day at a time.
the consuming thoughts of what is he doing where is he is lying or telling the truth etc... I can only tell you it took me years to finally throw in the towel and say even though I was sure I had found my soul mate before this started and he became another person I had to let go. My life is still a mess financially. Emotionally I have some peace but still a lot of bad days but not like before, I am slowly moving forward. I grieve the man I married I haven't seen that man in years. I find it unfathomable that that this is what he choose to do rather than save our marriage. Addiction is a very powerful disease and even though I wanted a totally different outcome I have finally accepted that this is the reality of the situation. It's the hardest thing I have ever been through and I feel your pain. I kept thinking this is a phase and things won't go on like this forever but they only got worse and worse he lost all respect for me eventually and I guess you could say I did for him too as well as trust and a relationship without either of these things will never be a healthy one. It's not any easy road It takes great strength to get through it one day at a time.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am so sorry mstrust for your pain. I know it well..its the world of living with an active addict.
I hate to sound like a broken record, but I hope and pray you are working on YOU. I say this with all my heart....because I didn't and the craziness almost got the best of me.
I hate to sound like a broken record, but I hope and pray you are working on YOU. I say this with all my heart....because I didn't and the craziness almost got the best of me.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
Thank you guys very much just for listening and being here.
I woke up today and found a cigarette cellophane in the garbage. I think he was shooting up in the middle of the night again. He says he just took a pill that was in his pocket and being stored in cellophane. I ask why it would be in cellophane and not with the other pills. Nothing makes sense. I ask questions and I'm told not to "do this", he hasn't had his coffee yet. Why am I doing this, he asks me. I say I just want to know what you want...do you want to get help and deal with the problem or just keep this going? He is saying he doesn't know what he's going to do. Not talking at all like someone who wants to start a recovery program. He is leaving again today, I guess. Says he has to "work". I do believe he is working on things that have been put off because he was all f***ed up. This is just not the same guy who used to talk about how he knew he needed meetings, a sponsor, and to be working his program...and who would apologize sincerely and try to talk to me and explain how he felt. Now I'm just shut out and it's all my fault, according to him because I don't "understand" and I'm not "supportive". Yeah, it's all me. Did all you guys know that I control the world and everyone's actions??? Apparently, I do.
I woke up today and found a cigarette cellophane in the garbage. I think he was shooting up in the middle of the night again. He says he just took a pill that was in his pocket and being stored in cellophane. I ask why it would be in cellophane and not with the other pills. Nothing makes sense. I ask questions and I'm told not to "do this", he hasn't had his coffee yet. Why am I doing this, he asks me. I say I just want to know what you want...do you want to get help and deal with the problem or just keep this going? He is saying he doesn't know what he's going to do. Not talking at all like someone who wants to start a recovery program. He is leaving again today, I guess. Says he has to "work". I do believe he is working on things that have been put off because he was all f***ed up. This is just not the same guy who used to talk about how he knew he needed meetings, a sponsor, and to be working his program...and who would apologize sincerely and try to talk to me and explain how he felt. Now I'm just shut out and it's all my fault, according to him because I don't "understand" and I'm not "supportive". Yeah, it's all me. Did all you guys know that I control the world and everyone's actions??? Apparently, I do.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
Not supportive of him being he77 bent on self destruction? I'm also not "supportive" enough of my husband because I ask questions about where money is and why he hasn't brought any money home in a very long time and why is there a soda can with holes poked in it and all burnt and why am I finding cigarette celophanes everywhere? I am being "negative" and creating problems that only exsist in my own head, and if I were just "supportive" he could work more, see, he can't work and bring money home because I am not supportive, he can't tell me the truth because I am "confrontational", he might as well just use again because no one believes him anyway. See the logic? As long as I'm to blame he never has to change a thing, and he doesn't have any plans to do so anytime soon. His addiction to drugs and blame and running away from pain keep him stuck in a perpetual sh*t storm of lies and manipulation. Why would someone who loves you want to make you feel crazy and not good enough? What kind of love is that?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Unless he is working on recovery, then this is the life you have to look forward to. Like him, there is a bottom for you to hit that tells you enough, you aren't taking it any longer. I remember a recovering alcoholic tell me once that he was very stiff necked. His bottom was something he fought reaching. Personally, my bottom is not very deep. I am willing to learn from other's experiences. I don't have to learn all life lessons the hard way. So, how deep is your bottom because I can assure you his bottom is deeper than yours. Who is going be the first to say enough? If you wait on him, then settle in for the ride. It is no where over yet. You can get off the ride. Why don't you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
i guess i'm not ready to give up on this yet. i guess i'm still holding out hope that things will change. i don't think i have that much more in me, i don't know. i'm not helping. my reactions are terrible and that is the truth. my feelings are 100% understandable...and make perfect sense given the situation, but i make things worse with my means of expressing myself. plus, evidently, i am a total idiot.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Time to work on yourself, get help for yourself. The only person you can change is yourself. There's lots you can do to help keep your head above water--whether he does or not. Stop putting your energy towards what he does and put your energy on what you do. Maybe he'll follow suit, maybe he wont. You don't have to stay where you are in this relationship right now, getting sicker and sicker. You can read books about co-dependency, join groups like Al-Anon, and make your life better, stronger and healthier. Put yourself first.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
i did buy 'codependency no more'...been to one al-anon meeting so far. i'm actually going to do the activities in the book. and i've made therapy appts. for every week this month. i have the obsessive tendencies of a codependent for sure. it's part of what keeps me focused on him. the illusion of control that is anything but.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
mstrust - my son is a heroin addict and I've been on this merry-go-round for a few years now. I know that if my son were living in your house he would be saying the exact same things as your BF. I am in awe of the power of heroin (or any opiate) addiction. I am in total awe of how horrible my son's life is right now and yet he continues to choose these drugs over anything and everything else...including food and shelter. If my son had a girlfriend like you, he'd be SET, let me tell you!! Even being homeless with no money, job, car or even a cell phone, he still doesn't have enough reason to quit. If he had a girl that loved him and put up with his lies and manipulations, he sure as hell wouldn't have a reason to quit!! This addiction is 100x more powerful than your love, believe me. I'm not saying he doesn't care about you or how this is affecting you, I believe he does. But it's not enough. It's not anywhere close to being enough.
You say you stay because you hope things will change. He has no reason to change. You probably have a greater chance at being struck by lightening than in seeing him get clean. I guess that's an exaggeration, but it's how *I* have come to view this Beast. I know without any doubt whatsoever that there is nothing I can do that will motivate my son to get clean. I know this because I've already tried it ALL. Heroin wins.
NarAnon Step One
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step One may be easy to read and easy to agree with, at least on the surface. We can freely admit to the fact that our lives are in real trouble. After all that is why we finally came to NarAnon.
It may not be so easy to admit we are powerless, or that we cannot control and manage our own lives. We may say it is not so: "it is the addict that is out of control - if I could only change him, I could manage very nicely, thank you."
We have tried all kinds of things to show them how wrong they are. It seemed so obvious to us! "If only he would decide to stop using. If only I could do just that one right thing to make him stop. But none of it works; he is so stubborn, blind, uncaring and cruel." If our lives were unmanageable, it was certainly not for lack of our trying! We have believed we were the only reason we have managed so long. After all, we have kept it together alone, all this time.
The frustration and anger we feel clouds the issue, but slowly we begin to see that the parts of our lives that are unmanageable are not ours to manage. We are indeed powerless over the addict. All the manipulating and maneuvering has not helped. We cannot control and manage, because it is not our lives we are trying to manage. We must realize where our responsibilities end. We do not like it when our well meaning relatives and friends try to tell us how to live. Neither do our loved ones (addicts) like us to tell them. This is when we need to remember the NarAnon reading, "we didn't cause it; we can't control it and we can't cure it."
The other part of Step One begins to become clear. We must let go of the addict's part. We only prolong their struggle by meddling. We must stop our crazy compulsive behaviour and let them dance with their addiction alone. We can stand back, without losing our love and compassion for them and "Not Do". It's OK, it doesn't cause a dramatic change, and it didn't change when we "Did" either. Some of our craziness leaves and we realize we feel a little better. All it took was inaction.
Still, we feel resistance. The idea remains that perhaps we can "help" our addicts. We have not completely surrendered to the idea that we cannot stop their behaviour, but the prize looms there in front of us. If only we could let go of that nagging voice to "do" that one little thing that will finally make the difference.
We have found the need for Step Two, and we can and do come back to Step One. It is a step that we may never put aside as completed. It is a tool to be used again and again.
Try a little exercise with Step One. Substitute the name of your addict for the word addict and then read it through again in the first person. Then put another name in its place, and another, all belonging to people you have tried to change because you knew how they needed to change. Over and over say the lines.
Do you see?
from Step 1
You say you stay because you hope things will change. He has no reason to change. You probably have a greater chance at being struck by lightening than in seeing him get clean. I guess that's an exaggeration, but it's how *I* have come to view this Beast. I know without any doubt whatsoever that there is nothing I can do that will motivate my son to get clean. I know this because I've already tried it ALL. Heroin wins.
NarAnon Step One
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step One may be easy to read and easy to agree with, at least on the surface. We can freely admit to the fact that our lives are in real trouble. After all that is why we finally came to NarAnon.
It may not be so easy to admit we are powerless, or that we cannot control and manage our own lives. We may say it is not so: "it is the addict that is out of control - if I could only change him, I could manage very nicely, thank you."
We have tried all kinds of things to show them how wrong they are. It seemed so obvious to us! "If only he would decide to stop using. If only I could do just that one right thing to make him stop. But none of it works; he is so stubborn, blind, uncaring and cruel." If our lives were unmanageable, it was certainly not for lack of our trying! We have believed we were the only reason we have managed so long. After all, we have kept it together alone, all this time.
The frustration and anger we feel clouds the issue, but slowly we begin to see that the parts of our lives that are unmanageable are not ours to manage. We are indeed powerless over the addict. All the manipulating and maneuvering has not helped. We cannot control and manage, because it is not our lives we are trying to manage. We must realize where our responsibilities end. We do not like it when our well meaning relatives and friends try to tell us how to live. Neither do our loved ones (addicts) like us to tell them. This is when we need to remember the NarAnon reading, "we didn't cause it; we can't control it and we can't cure it."
The other part of Step One begins to become clear. We must let go of the addict's part. We only prolong their struggle by meddling. We must stop our crazy compulsive behaviour and let them dance with their addiction alone. We can stand back, without losing our love and compassion for them and "Not Do". It's OK, it doesn't cause a dramatic change, and it didn't change when we "Did" either. Some of our craziness leaves and we realize we feel a little better. All it took was inaction.
Still, we feel resistance. The idea remains that perhaps we can "help" our addicts. We have not completely surrendered to the idea that we cannot stop their behaviour, but the prize looms there in front of us. If only we could let go of that nagging voice to "do" that one little thing that will finally make the difference.
We have found the need for Step Two, and we can and do come back to Step One. It is a step that we may never put aside as completed. It is a tool to be used again and again.
Try a little exercise with Step One. Substitute the name of your addict for the word addict and then read it through again in the first person. Then put another name in its place, and another, all belonging to people you have tried to change because you knew how they needed to change. Over and over say the lines.
Do you see?
from Step 1
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