mstrust

he's been coming home and leaving again. each time he comes home, i can't control my irritation and anger and hurt and i'm not nice. i use an awful tone. i say things in inappropriate, unnecessary ways. i just feel so much resentment. i know it's because of all that's happened. this side of me doesn't even exist without these types of circumstances. i know i need to work on that part of me and i think that is just what happens to me as some sort of f***ed up defense response. it doesn't help. it's what i was talking about when i started this post...my counterproductive behavior.

he doesn't talk. he doesn't do anything. he came home last night and he slept then he spent the day lying on the couch. i spent a lot of time silent, but he doesn't seem to want to talk about any of it. he seems to want me to go back to "normal". he got sick of my snide attitude today and starting packing a bag again. not even home 24 hours. i said, if you leave again, we're done...can't keep doing this...i can't handle the coming and going...please just deal with it. he just told me i'm not me and he can't talk to me when i'm like this and i'm wrong about SO MANY things about him.

i feel like my counterproductive behavior has negated everything that's happened on his end as far as he's concerned. he doesn't see my reactions as reactions, however horrible. reactions to things that have happened. things he has done and said. lies. broken promises. the leaving again and again. ongoing issues with the medication, etc. what i mean is, i now feel guilty and like i am actually the one that screwed this all up. either way, it's messed up. i guess we're done.

sorry for the rambling...and thank you again for all your helpfulness, honesty, and candor. it's so appreciated. i've been reading through tons of these posts and it is scary how we are all saying the exact same things.

DJ0822

He is trying to make you think you're the one with the problem. Your reaction is to question your own behaviors. This is 100% manipulation.

Don't REACT...instead, ACT!! Let him pack, leave, and then Change the locks !! You don't deserve that treatment.

FindingErica

Addicts blame shift, that is what they do. Make no mistake, he is doing what he wants to do, but shifting the responsibility to you. My AH is an adept blam shifter. I thought I was a horrible, crazy, unlikeable, lazy, frigid nag who was so horrible to live with that he had to do drugs to deal with the misery of being married to me. The truth is, his demands for everything were so excessive and he was like an endless pit that was never filled by anything I did. What he does is NOT your fault, but he will try to shift the responsibility of his bad actions so he can continue to excuse his own behavior. For a time I AH was talking about coming back to where the kids and I live to work on the marriage. I thought he was employed so I told suggested he remain there for a few months to generate money do he could get set up there. Now that is his excuse for not coming back, "you Told me to stay out here." ugh! Makes my life easier. Think of it this way, he just made the big decision, frees you up to figure out how to live without him. One day you may look back and thank him for doing you a favor.

nytepassion

Let go and Let God. You can't make him clean. You can't love, beg, bargin, plead, yell, scream, make or cry him clean. He has to want it for himself and it is apparent that he does not want it. You are doing all the wanting and it isn't working.

They flip a switch on us that throws off a smoke screen for what is really going on. He uses the fact that you told him to leave as an excuse to take off when ever he so desires. He uses your confrontations as leverage for him to blame you for the problem. He doesn't have a drug problem - You're the one that has a problem with his drug use.

Lies come with the territory of addiction. Part of the sickness is to make you feel like you are the one who is sick. Addiction deflects, blames and persecutes. Getting us so twisted that we begin to actually question or own sanity.

He is calling all the shots keeping you under control. Punishing you for being wise to his bullcrap. He is mad at you because you called a spade, a spade and now you will pay for it.

If you shut your mouth and went blind then things would be fine. You know he believe his own lies don't you? He has to ... they protect the addiction.

Threats of kicking him out and then going and getting him or allowing him back in only fuels the fire. He can sense your weakness and smell your fear. He is very aware that you are saying one thing yet contradicting yourself by your behavior.

Knowledge is power! Familiarize yourself with crazy making and gas lighting. These are tactics that the addict uses to confuse us and they work, but lose their power when we become aware of them and learn how to counteract them. Guilt is one of our biggest enemies and will keep you in bondage if you allow it. HIS ADDICTION NOT YOUR FAULT!

You did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. He has to want to be clean for himself. It sounds like you are the one desiring change and I believe with all my heart you will find it. It may not be what your heart hopes for where he is concerned, but I can promise you if you walk your own path of recovery you will find that you have many surprises in store for you. Good things will come your way and at the end you will have found what you thought was once lost. YOU! And then you will celebrate! I promise!

Hugs,
Passion

crazybabie

Here is a link on gas lighting I think you may find it helpful.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html

cangel2

Mstrust....everyone has given you so much great insight and things to think about. I just want to go back to one of your earlier posts in this thread and respond to let you know "You are Not an Idiot!!". Please do not think of yourself like that. You are in a bad position, confused, being manipulated and spun in circles. This does not make you an idiot....just human. When you realize you have the power to make this stop.....it will feel wonderful!!

Read...go to meetings and keep posting...you will get there!

mstrust

thank you all so much. i can see some of this stuff while it's happening, but i still can't help but wonder, what if i AM wrong? and because i actually DO engage in the behaviors in question, i end up feeling like he's right, i am a jerk. i do say mean things. i do flip out. those things are true. i DON'T handle it right. i suppose he needs me to screw that all up in order to justify his behavior. if i stopped reacting, what would he have to blame this on? before i began reacting so badly, what excuses did he have?

mstrust

i feel like i have to thank everyone... lately, the only time i feel somewhat sane is reading these posts and realizing it's not just me.

nytepassion

Keep reading, read and reread as needed. You are not insane, but are living with the insanity that comes from addiction. When the addict spins out of control we go right along with them that is because we are holding on tight ... trying to protect them from the consequences of addiction.

What ends up happening is we react in the name of "love" and out of fear we shield them from getting into trouble, from getting hurt and we end up beat up from bearing the weight of their addiction. Now there are two people spiraling out of control. Two life's hanging in the balance. If there are children involved they are clinging to mom as she clings to dad and there is a family spiraling out of control headed straight down into the pit of addiction hell.

You can't save him from himself, but you can save yourself if you Let go and Let God. We are not in control and we only delay the inevitable whatever it might be. We have no control over another human being no matter what, but we have total complete control over our self.

Using drugs is like walking out onto a main highway. It is filled with traffic and the addict dodges vehicle after vehicle out of fear for their safety we run out after them and get hit. We scream at the addict "you see what happened. I got hit trying to save you" and the addict shakes his/her head and says, "I saw the car stupid! No one asked you to run out after me. WTF is the matter with you, running out onto a busy highway!"

You say, "but I was trying to save you". He/she will laugh and say, "I travel this highway all the time. I know this road like the back of my hand."

Then they travel on their merry way leaving you sitting in the middle of the road battered and bleeding.

What seems crazy to you is normal to an addict. It takes a strong person to be able to live with someone elses addiction and an even stronger one to step back and let the cards fall as they may.

We think love is holding on, but it is the opposite .. it is Letting Go.

Letting go doesn't mean you don't give a damn, but that you give another human being permission to live their life the way they want to live it. At the same time it gives you permission to live your life the way you want to live it as well.

We all have the same rights. The right to live our life addicted to drugs or the right to live life clean and sober.

Once we get out of the way and allow the addict to self destruct, to suffer the consequences of their addiction. Refusing to pick up the addicts baggage and let them carry the weight of their addiction. The sooner we can begin to heal and the addict can be free to find recovery the way they found drugs. ON THEIR OWN.

Passion

Learn2Live

You are reacting to living with an addict and you are blaming your SELF for how you are reacting and feeling. You say you "hope" he is going to seek recovery but IMO what you are feeling is not hope, but is something else. Because you clearly see there is no hope, that this is who he IS, and you do not like it. You are living in misery, making yourself miserable by continuing to hang onto someone who is sick and making you just as sick if not sicker than he is.

Learn2Live

What you are doing is serving a Role. You are the scapegoat. You are the red herring. As long as you are IN his life in ANY capacity, you will serve that role. Addicts do not surround themselves with ANYONE who will not serve the role they want them to. Everyone in their life is an enabler in one form or another. Not only are you providing him with whatever material support you provide him with, you are providing him with someone to blame. You are SO GOOD at playing this role that EVEN YOU now blame you! Do you see this?

GET AWAY FROM HIM. He is a VERY sick person and he is ruining you.

mstrust

again, thank you all...

one of the things i did yesterday after he left again and i was losing my s**t completely was take all of the things that were his around the house and put them all in the spare bedroom. i mean everything. i wanted anything related to him out of my sight. i even went so far as to get rid of things in the refrigerator that only he eats and things in the bathroom that only he uses. i felt like a complete lunatic doing it and imagined what would happen if anyone who thinks they know me were to witness me in the middle of it. i even ripped the stuff off the bed and washed it all.

guess how i felt after besides drained and breathless?? GUILTY. SORRY FOR HIM. i felt like a total a-hole for moving all of his stuff. i felt like if he comes in this house, which he inevitable will have to again, he is going to be very upset at what I'VE done--trying to erase him. i mean that is kind of what i think i was doing. i even threw all of his clothes into bags...and some other random things laying around.

my house looks like he was never here. he has been texting me while i've been typing this and i haven't looked at the phone. i'm afraid to.

i finally told one of my best friends and my brother what has been happening. i've been avoiding both of them for weeks because i didn't want to tell them, didn't want to lie, and didn't want to feel as ashamed as i knew i would when they found out what i've been dealing with willingly over here. they weren't "mad" at me as i worried they might be, but both of them want him out. my friend said, "can you believe this is your life???" no. no, i can't.

tjp613

Well, you've told him if he left again that you are DONE. He left. So are you done? If so, you could change the locks. Tell him to get some boxes and come get his stuff, arrange a time when your brother can be there with you and give him a 2 hour window to pack up. He's obviously got other options of where he can lay his head at night.

FindingErica

When I decided I wasn't going to haul my kids out of state to the uncertainty AH was offering, I rented a house and all I kept saying was, "he's going to be so mad." I felt guilty even though he was attempting to swindle every penny I had to support he kids on. I felt bad for him. When I closed our joint account and took the money in iy equaling less than I had put in, I felt guilty. I felt guilty even though he has left me to support the kids on my own with no real concern for their well being. How screwed up is that?

You have been conditioned and carefully groomed through abuse and manipulation to respond in ways that enables his addiction. Even the fighting then feeling bad about yourself. Let it go, let your past actions go, they are shackling you to unnecessary guil, and be free.

tjp613

Erica....you've come a LONG way. ((((Hugs))))

Learn2Live

Yes, I've done this many times and this is the right thing to do for yourself. YAY you!!! Now, you have a choice. Are you going to try to save YOURSELF, or are you going to try to save HIM? Because if you are going to choose YOU, you must now get as focused on your SELF as HE is on himself. Which is 100%. Leave that stuff right where you put it and don't put it back! Because you have taken one step forwards in improving your life and your mental health and you don't want to go backwards.

The REASON you feel guilty and sorry for him is because that is what HE wants you to feel. That is what he will try to do, make you feel guilty and feel sorry for him. You know how I know? Because I grew up with an alcoholic father and I know this is what he does to other people because I've watched him do this my entire life. It is "the kiss of death" as I call it. You have GOT TO find a way to REFUSE the guilt and REFUSE to feel sorry for him. The way I do this is I start to become Aware of when I am feeling guilty or feeling sorry for others, and then I talk to my self and tell myself things like, "Not my problem," or "REFUSE the guilt," or "Not my fault," or "This is not my responsibility; I must save MYSELF first."

Do not look at your phone. This week, take baby step 2: Tell him to stop texting you and then whenever you get a text from him, delete it without reading it. Or you can block him from your cell. Get him out of your daily life, out of your head. FORCE your focus back onto YOU and don't let him distract you. YOU decide if and when you want to speak to him or text with him, and do not speak or text with him at any other time.

OK, anyway, these are the things I have been doing so I sound forceful but only because I'm telling myself these things too. (((hugs))) Save yourself FIRST mstrust. You can do this.

mstrust

i totally was considering putting some of his stuff back where it was. i had trouble falling asleep last night because my brain kept wanting to plan how i would set his computer back up...or how i would make his clothes look like i'd not done that. these situations are all so similar. it's mind-blowing, yet not at all.

i don't know if i can handle ignoring texts or blocking his communication with me yet. i have issues with that i need to work on because to not know what he's saying makes me far more anxious than to know--after awhile. what i end up doing is letting them sit there until i feel ready to read them. i don't want to get in a text war again because that keeps happening and it won't if i don't let it. it's all been about how if i want him home, then my approach HAS TO change and if it doesn't he's gone. i try saying i have a side of this too, and my side matters, and i am a PERSON...but as you all know, it's all futile.

i have blocked him on facebook. i also blocked friends of mine that were connections i had solely through him. i don't want to see anything on there either. i hate the way i feel...and i need to get some paperwork done for my job...my focus sucks.

DJ0822

Mistrust, look at some of your other relationships in life... Are you "flipping out," "making snide remarks" and all the other "mean things" to the people in your other relationships? Are they running from you, packing their bags, blaming you and having drug problems? I doubt that. Have your actions made your best friend, sibling, parent, co-worker or boss run away from you? Or turn to drugs? I think not. Hmmmm.

Could it be your reactions to his insanity are easy for him to claim you are the crazy one?

Years ago, I was in a physically abusive relationship with a boyfriend. He used to tell me that the way I talked to him or did something or looked at him cross eyed or anything was the reason he got so angry that he couldn't help but slap me. For a while, I wondered if I really was provoking him. Then, I got to thinking - all my life, I had never experienced my parent, sisters, school friends, teachers, boss, neighbors being so provoked by ME that they had to slap me. If I had the problem, how come it only showed up in my relationship with him???!!

Ding, ding, ding!! Right answer!!

mstrust

you know, i was just thinking about this...about how no one else ever has these complaints about me. i was talking to my therapist and my friend about how i am not even this person at all without provocation. i have never turned this way due to a work-related situation or any other kind of interpersonal relationship or interaction. it ONLY comes out in these types of situations. not surprisingly, i have been in horrible relationships before--abusive emotionally and physically--and at some point, this became my way of reacting. i think it felt better to be a b***h...i can hide behind that and protect myself with it. sometimes, in all honesty, it's a way i'm manipulative--if i insist upon this enough, he will get it. NO. he won't. not because of anything i say or any way i say it. or don't say it.

i've read his texts today and responded briefly. he's called repeatedly and i answered the phone twice. the last call ended in him calling me a c**t and hanging up on me. i have been very honest, calm, and thorough in telling him why i am doing what i am doing. that i am hurting him and me with my lack of coping skills and that we BOTH need to work on ourselves and are not able to do it together. i told him maybe he was right about space, so now he has it is free to do whatever he wants with his medication without any reaction from me at all. i explained that as much as he can't fix himself with my negativity coming at him, i can't fix myself if nothing has changed with his situation.

he is coming up with every story as to why taking an assortment of medications he is not prescribed is a good idea and actually for good reason. he is stressing that they are "non-narcotic". i know, can hear in his voice, that's a lie. i told him he will never convince me that any of what he's been doing is right as far as the medications are concerned and maybe that's it right there--we disagree about what constitutes a problem. i told him i can't handle it and that i won't react well to anything right now because i am unable, really...too many lies, too many pills, too much leaving...i can't get over it. but he wants me to think i'm making the big deal here. fine. doesn't change the fact that to me, it IS a big deal and it's not ok with me.

and it is true that all my words are useless. and it is also true that he is not at all willing to take any responsibility for anything. he avoided anything having to do with what has led up to this point. he's acting like nothing happened and i'm only upset about what he's doing NOW. so bizarre and twisted to me.

i never mentioned before how one of the things he did was tell me that he tried to kill himself by taking an obscene amount of dilaudid along with a few ambien. this he told me after his week of vomiting. the week he missed my surgery. the week i know that he took his whole prescription in very little time, but did not take 320mg of dilaudid and 40mg of ambien at once and live through it without showing any hint of damage or need for medical attention. it was an explanation as to where all the pills had gone. it would make me feel sorry for him and forget anything else.

following this event, he said he was just getting medication from this girl to avoid withdrawal now...this is the only way he can control his seizures...he is trying other ways of managing his pain without narcotics.

at one time, in my house, i had (without prescription) valium, xanax, about three different percocet varieties, oxycontin, muscle relaxers, a few different anti-nausea meds, and other things i'm sure i'm forgetting...clonidine, for one. he is prescribed keppra for seizures already. he is prescribed the ambien because he said that might help him sleep through his nighttime dose of dilaudid. he is on a time release dilaudid and an instant release dilaudid. 40mg prescribed a day total. it's expected that the instant release are "as needed" but he says no, they aren't, he should take every one. so he does...and then some.

i have to be doing the right thing. how can i question it still?

tjp613

He's complicating your decision with his words.

If you take the words out of it and just look at his actions...what do you see? Assuming nothing changes, is this the life you want?

Can you accept him just the way he is...today? Or must he change to become someone that is acceptable to you?