Being pulled in every direction..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
you're in luck, OctoberRain, cuz it's national NO day!
j/k. for such a short little word, it can sure be hard to learn how to say huh?
NO. No thanks. Nope, not today. nah, don't think so. no f'ing way. nyet. etc. keep practicing, you'll get the hang of it!
j/k. for such a short little word, it can sure be hard to learn how to say huh?
NO. No thanks. Nope, not today. nah, don't think so. no f'ing way. nyet. etc. keep practicing, you'll get the hang of it!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by Jody675
i think acknowledging that you have not always been there because of your addict son would help too. tell her that you love her, but you have your own life to lead and your off to jump out of a plane.
as for your husband, maybe he is just sick of hearing about all of this stuff too. and he has learnt to just switch off knowing that they will eventually work it out. go and have some fun and some you time...you deserve it!!!
as for your husband, maybe he is just sick of hearing about all of this stuff too. and he has learnt to just switch off knowing that they will eventually work it out. go and have some fun and some you time...you deserve it!!!
What are you planning to do for you today?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Your post got me to thinking, and I would like to share.
Years ago, when speaking with a mentor at work, who was about 10 years older and 10 years wiser than me, I shared that I felt like I was suffocating; my life (like that of many) was a constant cycle of work outside the home, work at home, rarely taking time for me, thinking that that was exactly what I was supposed to do; that it would make me a good mom and wife.
My mentor asked me if I had friends or activities and I told her I did not have time to indulge; she strongly suggested that my approach of isolating myself would catch up with me. At that time, I didn't take her so seriously; years later, I realized she was absolutely correct.
Once I finally believed I could make a change, it took me a long time to reverse the process - with my family, whom I had indulged that way, and with myself, being so convinced I could survive without time for myself; big misconception on my part.
I feel more balanced now that I have/make time for myself; I get the feeling my family is happier, too.
Years ago, when speaking with a mentor at work, who was about 10 years older and 10 years wiser than me, I shared that I felt like I was suffocating; my life (like that of many) was a constant cycle of work outside the home, work at home, rarely taking time for me, thinking that that was exactly what I was supposed to do; that it would make me a good mom and wife.
My mentor asked me if I had friends or activities and I told her I did not have time to indulge; she strongly suggested that my approach of isolating myself would catch up with me. At that time, I didn't take her so seriously; years later, I realized she was absolutely correct.
Once I finally believed I could make a change, it took me a long time to reverse the process - with my family, whom I had indulged that way, and with myself, being so convinced I could survive without time for myself; big misconception on my part.
I feel more balanced now that I have/make time for myself; I get the feeling my family is happier, too.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
I think it IS good for families to continue to be there for each other even once the kids have grown up. I'm 32 and still occasionally need rescuing, and certainly need financial help even though I have a bachelors degree and a job. Adulthood is seeming to come later these days. I don't think its wrong for family to support each other-- the most magnificent structures always have multiple columns holding up the roof.
BUT
I think the support needs to go both ways. In my case, RAH and I repay some of my parents contribution by cooking all the holiday feasts and having supper at least once a week together. We are always available for family occasions, and we always be friendly to their other company. We make sure my dad, who has had some mini-strokes recently, is not completely lonely and eating alone every night when my super busy business trip mom is away for weeks. I make sure my kids spend lots of time with my parents as both of them just love love love kids and revel in reliving my own childhood in them (i don't know how many times I've heard them call my daughter by my name!). At this point the scales would still be really tipped toward my parents, as they do contribute more to the relationship. But I look forward with anticipation for the years to come when I will get to truly repay their care by being there for them when their final years come along bringing ill health and need.
One column can't hold up the roof, and if it feels like it is only you holding it together, I think its not wrong to ask for a little support for yourself too. In fact, asking for that is essential to your being able to continue to hold up your section, so its still totally helping them to help you. Maybe you can get that to happen, and can make your family into a beautiful six column cathedral, and maybe not, maybe they are not on board- you can't force them. But which ever way it goes, don't allow yourself to crumble into ruin!
First responders are supposed to make sure they are safe first as the number one priority-- the rule is to not add more casualties to the situation.
Although I wouldn't want to tell you to go NC or to not (your heart is the only one who can know what is right for you), I would offer this piece of advice about dealing with your adult daughter. Be honest, and also remain outside of the issue. I think its important to be honest about how much its wearing on you to watch the same crisis happen over and over. Hearing how you are recieving things might help her to see how repetitive the cycle is. Just make sure you are talking about yourself, how you feel, and that you are staying out of it. Its not helpful for friends or family to tell a person what to do... if you say 'dump him' and she doesn't, she may isolate from you out of guilt or resent you if she stays. I am so so so grateful for the healthy support I have received from my own parents when dealing with my AH/RAH, so glad that they never told me to do one thing or another.
I think its ok to be an ear and a shoulder if you aren't endangered by this and if you aren't actually taking charge and fixing things yourself. As PP said, take away the offer of a solution and you remove the cycle from the drama queen.
good luck and hugs!
BUT
I think the support needs to go both ways. In my case, RAH and I repay some of my parents contribution by cooking all the holiday feasts and having supper at least once a week together. We are always available for family occasions, and we always be friendly to their other company. We make sure my dad, who has had some mini-strokes recently, is not completely lonely and eating alone every night when my super busy business trip mom is away for weeks. I make sure my kids spend lots of time with my parents as both of them just love love love kids and revel in reliving my own childhood in them (i don't know how many times I've heard them call my daughter by my name!). At this point the scales would still be really tipped toward my parents, as they do contribute more to the relationship. But I look forward with anticipation for the years to come when I will get to truly repay their care by being there for them when their final years come along bringing ill health and need.
One column can't hold up the roof, and if it feels like it is only you holding it together, I think its not wrong to ask for a little support for yourself too. In fact, asking for that is essential to your being able to continue to hold up your section, so its still totally helping them to help you. Maybe you can get that to happen, and can make your family into a beautiful six column cathedral, and maybe not, maybe they are not on board- you can't force them. But which ever way it goes, don't allow yourself to crumble into ruin!
First responders are supposed to make sure they are safe first as the number one priority-- the rule is to not add more casualties to the situation.
Although I wouldn't want to tell you to go NC or to not (your heart is the only one who can know what is right for you), I would offer this piece of advice about dealing with your adult daughter. Be honest, and also remain outside of the issue. I think its important to be honest about how much its wearing on you to watch the same crisis happen over and over. Hearing how you are recieving things might help her to see how repetitive the cycle is. Just make sure you are talking about yourself, how you feel, and that you are staying out of it. Its not helpful for friends or family to tell a person what to do... if you say 'dump him' and she doesn't, she may isolate from you out of guilt or resent you if she stays. I am so so so grateful for the healthy support I have received from my own parents when dealing with my AH/RAH, so glad that they never told me to do one thing or another.
I think its ok to be an ear and a shoulder if you aren't endangered by this and if you aren't actually taking charge and fixing things yourself. As PP said, take away the offer of a solution and you remove the cycle from the drama queen.
good luck and hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: troupsburg,ny
Posts: 87
They know what I am going through. I am ALWAYS there for them. Where are they now? I sit here day in and day out and not one of them calls to see if I am ok or need help! Not that I am needy. Just saying...
We were, I thought close. We have been through a lot.
We were, I thought close. We have been through a lot.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I'm so in agreement with everything that Sevenofnine just said. And I'm sure that you all are very close, it's just that we teach others how to treat us. This is something that I have always heard in Alanon & it so fit me in every relationship that I've ever had. I always got treated just like you are saying. It's really not good for anyone involved. I learned that that is not a healthy relationship. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, cause you sound like such a wonderful loving Mother.
************{HUGS}}}}}}}}
************{HUGS}}}}}}}}
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Georgia
Posts: 43
On the PTSD note I have read articles which compared the stress levels and brain chemicals of friends and ESPECIALLY family members of substance abuses with that of SOLDIERS in ACTIVE WAR ZONES. Guess what? They were MORE than comparable. They were the same. That just made me actually feel better because it was like I finally got validation for what I felt and how stressed and terrible.
I don't think you are wrong to set boundaries with your children. Not at all. Self preservation only looks mean when people can't see past the end of their own noses.
I had a friend who was in a bad relationship once. A hysically abusive one. I moved her completely out safely in the absence of her fiancée. I opened my TINY home and life to her. The day we did it she spent all night crying and finally begged me to take her back. So I made a deal with her. I said I'd take her back and move all her stuff back in too. I promised he'd never know a thing I'd move her back in so well (and he never did) but on one condition....if I did all this I would NEVER come for her again. This was it. This one time. And she agreed. And she went back. And she got the stuffing beaten out of her until she finally left him for good after a couple more years. But true to my word I never helped her again. And true to her word she never asked. Yet somehow, some other way, things worked out for her to leave on her on time. And I never once felt guilt about that. Because that was HER decision.
You sound like a wonderful momma. Don't allow yourself to be badgered into believing otherwise.
I don't think you are wrong to set boundaries with your children. Not at all. Self preservation only looks mean when people can't see past the end of their own noses.
I had a friend who was in a bad relationship once. A hysically abusive one. I moved her completely out safely in the absence of her fiancée. I opened my TINY home and life to her. The day we did it she spent all night crying and finally begged me to take her back. So I made a deal with her. I said I'd take her back and move all her stuff back in too. I promised he'd never know a thing I'd move her back in so well (and he never did) but on one condition....if I did all this I would NEVER come for her again. This was it. This one time. And she agreed. And she went back. And she got the stuffing beaten out of her until she finally left him for good after a couple more years. But true to my word I never helped her again. And true to her word she never asked. Yet somehow, some other way, things worked out for her to leave on her on time. And I never once felt guilt about that. Because that was HER decision.
You sound like a wonderful momma. Don't allow yourself to be badgered into believing otherwise.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Sometimes I wish I was a bird now before you laugh or think I am crazy here is why.
I enjoy each year watching the birds in the nest too get the eggs hatched then I watch as they kick them out of the nest and show them how to fly they teach them what they need to get through life and then they let them go.
I of course do not mean this literary I want too spend time with my adult children but sure could useless drama.
I enjoy each year watching the birds in the nest too get the eggs hatched then I watch as they kick them out of the nest and show them how to fly they teach them what they need to get through life and then they let them go.
I of course do not mean this literary I want too spend time with my adult children but sure could useless drama.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Since I've been reading here I have applied an addict label to any of my potential stressors.
Son is a drug addict.
Adult Niece 1 is addicted to laziness
Adult Niece 2 is addicted to immaturity
Mom is addicted to enabling.
Some people have daughters addicted to a-holes.
When dealing with any of them, I use my codie training the best I can and apply it the same for all of them.
Can't help those who won't help themselves.
Son is a drug addict.
Adult Niece 1 is addicted to laziness
Adult Niece 2 is addicted to immaturity
Mom is addicted to enabling.
Some people have daughters addicted to a-holes.
When dealing with any of them, I use my codie training the best I can and apply it the same for all of them.
Can't help those who won't help themselves.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
