GardenMama

My 18 yo AD left rehab 60 days early yesterday. She did intake for intensive outpatient. She left the papers right where I'd see them. But she's not allowed to stay at home, as most of you regulars know...She came by, ate some food and got some stuff yesterday. Said very little to me and me to her. A hug and "I love you."

Today, 24 hours later, she calls her 14yo sister crying, asking her to meet her at a park. She went immediately. On the phone, she told her she feels abandoned by everyone. I told her to invite her A sister to come eat dinner with us....Weak of me? Or okay? She has no money, either. And I have none to give her. But I can offer a meal?

Now I wonder how long I can hold out if she has no place to stay? She left treatment early & without a place to stay. She must have stayed somewhere last night but wouldn't tell me where. She's got the whole "traveling" kid thing going with her backpack, sleeping bag, hat, etc.

This "feels" like it is killing me.

Suggestions? Advice?

suki44883

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. The thing is...she left rehab of her own accord, knowing she didn't have a place to stay. That was her own decision and it isn't your responsibility to fix it for her. She is trying to guilt you into letting her come home. In order for her to learn anything, she is going to have to be left to face the consequences of her own bad choices. I KNOW it's hard. I KNOW you feel guilty, but you shouldn't because you have done nothing wrong.

catlovermi

Just remember, your compulsion to save her is like her compulsion to get high...

The two of you are just jonesing for different fixes.

CLMI

tjp613

yes, ... you are looking for a fix to soothe your anxiety. Find another solution...like posting here on SR, take a hot bath, pray, draw, journal, walk, yoga, etc.

GardenMama

that hurts but it is so true. i am so sad for my sweet girl.

hope213

i know exactly how u feel. my 20yr.old grandson has been living in the woods almost since he came home from prison in may. it breaks my heart. he was staying at his uncles in a gutted school bus.he was not allowed to sleep in the house due to stealing things the last time he was staying there.he tried to commit suicide & then went to the hospital. they sent him to a hospital that had a mantal ward in it. he was ready to get out 1 wk. later. the judge would not let him. he had to stay 14 days. he came home on thrusday. now..... last nite he threated the people at a drug store because they would not fill his prescription. medicaid had expired. he is now in jail. this "feels" like it is killing me too. i know i have no control over him. i am powerless. when he got out of the hospital he was dropped off at his uncles. he choose to go back to the woods. your daughter would not stay in the rehab because she wanted to come out & get high. she has got to help herself before u can help her. do NOT give her money. also meet her at a resturant & feed her or take her food from home.if she comes to your house it will b harder to tell her she can not stay. do not make that mistake. it is not your fault she did not stay at rehab. it is not your fault she has no place to stay.do not enable her. she will never get better. prayers for you & her both.

kmangel

Remember--she chose to leave rehab early. She could have stayed longer. She has a relative willing to pay for her to stay in a sober living facility. Is that still a possibility--or has she decided she doesn't want to do that? She is not without options. Don't feel guilty over her not wanting to do what you would like her to do. Let her make her own decisions--and live with them. Just don't let your feeling sorry for her make you give in to her. She may be testing to see how serious you are about sticking to your decision not to enable her or will you buckle and give in. It is hard, but she could have made a better choice. Allow her the right to live the decision SHE has made--whether you agree with it or not.

tjp613

I just typed and erased 4 paragraphs of stuff you already know. So I'll just say I'm sorry. I understand your pain because I experience it every day myself. I'm just sorry that anyone else has to go through this because it's pure hell at times.

GardenMama

She has been in touch with him, but I have not asked her anything about it. He said plans were in motion. Thanks for the reminder from 3 days ago! Feels like a year. She didn't come home. Apparently she is staying with a family, so that is good. Her sister is so torn, but gets it. She called to say her Asister doesn't understand why we let her live at home when she was completely messed up but now that she is trying to stay sober we won't let her...I guess if I'd known she was using heroin for two years and ALLOWED it, I could understand her point. But I hit my "bottom" when I learned she'd lied about her use after I'd believed her during the 5 month recovery...It's so messy! Thanks for all your loving advice. It is keeping me sane.

tjp613

If she was really wanting to stay sober, she would have stayed in treatment, right? Sounds like manipulation to me.

Learn2Live

Please don't feel sad for her. THIS is what she wanted. She made this choice. You should be happy for her. She is a grown woman, making her own decisions in life, and learning her own life lessons. Let her learn them.

She is using the 14 year old to try to get to you. Do you see that? The 14 year old needs to be protected. Or at the very least, told that she does not need to answer the phone when 18 year old calls.

EJG123

There are emergency shelters for women in my city. My AD made use of them as needed when it was no longer an option to come home. It was hard but having her home just wasn't going to work.

I agree that you should not meet her at your house if you want to have a meal with her.

GardenMama

Yes, I see that she is using her sister, and I did gently tell the 14yo that as well. She gets it, as much as she can. It's been a long haul for both of them, and my youngest has learned things well beyond her years.

Thank you, L2L, for reminding me of the fact that leaving was her CHOICE and that it was against the recommendation of everyone involved in her recovery.

And thanks to EJG for the shelter reminder. I did hear that she is staying with a family tonight of someone she met in rehab, so she's not in the bushes or on the street.
Ah, the things we become grateful for..."the kindness of strangers," as Blanche said in Streetcar Named Desire. I'm tired and getting punchy, so I am going to stop now.

washbe2

Oh, that is so very hard. I'm so sorry. If we could only know that what we do would fix things. I know, I know. It's not our job to fix things. It's their decision. It's not our responsibility. It's not our fault. Even knowing all of that doesn't really lessen the pain of it all.

It does help though to know that if your daughter decides to enter another rehab, I doubt very much that she will be so anxious to leave early if she really knows you mean what you say and if she leaves, she can't come home.

Good going, Mom!

crazybabie

Have you thought about asking your 14 year old if she might like too try Ala-Teen meetings? My oldest AS has stayed in our local shelters before and in empty houses broke my heart but it is what had to be done. Hugs, from one mother to another.

LabLoverOneSon

Gardenmama, i hope you got some rest.

Dont have much to add to the great comments above. Know you are in my prayers.

GardenMama

Yes, she has been going since November, while her sister was still in the hospital from her OD. It has been an incredible support for her. My Al-Anon group is awesome, too, and I am just starting to feel comfortable there. I did get some sleep, thanks to TylenolPM. THanks for all the messages of support and the virtual hugs. They help me tremendously.

amaslow

Just remember, your compulsion to save her is like her compulsion to get high...

The two of you are just jonesing for different fixes.

CLMI

OMG!! Thank you for this!! I want it to become my mantra!! This is sooo hard with our kids.. It is like defying gravity or maternal instinct plus the jonesing thing!

Ann

Keeping you all in my prayers, Mama, because I know how much this hurts your heart.

I have said more than once, "we" are not the only solution, and we are not even a good one...as much as that hurts, I remember countless times I let my son come home and it always ended badly.

She could have stayed at rehab, she can go to meetings and build her recovery or she can slide back to her own life....the choice is hers and she will make it, no matter where she stays.

Big hugs from a mama who's been there.

outtolunch

I am not my daughter's only option became and remains my mantra.