Being pulled in every direction..
 

I have 5 kids. All full grown and families of their own. It feels like every time they have a crisis or some kind of drama going on they call me.
Before we found out my AS was an addict, my youngest daughters husband left her. She is a GOOD girl. He is a jerk and wanted his freedom. I sat with her everyday for a week and held her hand and even cried with her. It hurts so bad when you know there is nothing you can do.

My middle daughter is always in some kind of crisis or has drama going on. She and her long time BF, father of her son broke up and she moved back to our area. She is now living with another a**hole. Every other week she calls me and says come get me and the boys,I have to get out of here. I can not take it anymore! I told her I just could not do it. She hung up on me. As I am sitting here the phone keeps ringing. It is her and I am afraid to answer it. I do not want to have to tell her no again. I am not strong enough right now to help anyone!

Well neither can I !!! I fell like I am going crazy!

I feel so guilty because I feel that my obsession with my AS has taken me away from helping them. They even say it some times. I just do not have the strength left in me to deal with her drama. I can not take on anymore. Am I wrong? Some times I get mad and think, they are grown, leave me alone! then I feel guilty for not being ABLE to help them.
I want to just run away!

That anger is understandable. They are adults and they have the opportunity to develop other resources......and it's ok to encourage them to do so.....including your addicted son.

Your other children are probably right......I know I ignored many of the healthy people in my life for a very long time as I allowed my addicted son to suck the very life out of me.

You can't change or control them. But you can change and control yourself and it sounds like you are taking steps to do so. And that's ok.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

I do feel alone. My husband is a good guy. He works away on a tugboat. His job is very stressful and dangerous. I feel I can not talk to him about this stuff until he gets home. It always happens when he is gone. They never do this when he is home. Most times they never even stop by or call when he is home. When I tell him what is going on he just says tell them no. It is easy for him to say because he does not get the phone calls. We have helped my daughter many times and the same **** keeps on happening. I feel like an enabler to her too!

I know it's hard, but there comes a time when we have to cut the cord. If they are adults and are making their own decisions, then they need to understand they are going to have to live by those decisions and it isn't your responsibility to bail them out. I've had to pull away from my youngest daughter and her neediness, especially since when I did help, she wasn't at all appreciative. She felt like it was my duty as a mother. I had to explain to her that my duty as a mother was to raise her and equip her to deal with life and the responsibilities therein. I did that, so now she is responsible for her own messes and consequences of her own decisions.

Sometimes, we just have to tell them that we're done taking care of them and we are going to be taking care of our own selves from now on.

suki, thank you so much. I have heard this from others. We have helped our kids many times. It is just getting to be too much. I can not deal with anymore stress. I have told my AS to go, i will not support his habit any longer now I think I need to tell the others the same thing.

KE. sometimes I feel like they are doing the same thing as my AS. Throwing out the AS card to MAKE me feel guilty. Using the I am their mother card. My daughter is not working or has she ever really held a job for long. She is lazy and wants everyone else to do for her. I know this and still helped her many times. I think I must do to her like I am doing for my AS. I have to say no more.

You need to start taking care of you. You can not take the weight of the world on.your kids are all adults. There are legitimate times to help and legitimate times to let go. You sound very stressed in your posts. I have a suggestion, why not take a week off from talking to any of them. Do stuff you like to do, relax, whatever. At the end of the week see how you feel. I went a week no contact with AH when everything came to a head because I was trying to figure out what to do with his constant guilt. After a week I felt clearer and stronger and my anxiety was very reduced. Right now he can only contact me by email and it is so much better, though I wish I didn't have to keep any communication lines open because he finds ways to get to me even that way

Enabling is a drug....it's a new commercial (well new to me anyway) put out by [email protected].

Perhaps you and your daughters could have a mom and daughter night...at alanon. You are giving them the quality time they are "needing" - while allowing yourself to guide them on their own path. It's a win, win situation. I am sure they will just love the idea. ;)

In my experience.....

The drama queens go to those that will offer them respite...not solutions, or a plan of action.
Then right back to the drama they go.....

When I was young and stupid and full of drama...married to my first husband.....
I would call my mom all tearful and ask her to come and get me.

She did...the first time. With an expectation that I was DONE.

The second time...she refused to come and get me...but she offered me some other
ideas (which, of course...I didn't want to hear).
She kept telling me "you are not done....and until you are done....you have to figure it out. Coming home only brings the drama back into my house and then when he shows you ANY little morsel of attention....you are right back in it"

She set a boundry of keeping drama out of her house, but she didn't cut off communication. When I did call, the message was consistently the same.
"I'm here for you...when you decide to do something for yourself"

lol, anvil. I think this was the first time I smiled today. I will practice.

No you're not wrong!

It sounds to me like you need an extended vacation. From your adult children. They need to learn how to take care of themselves and their own lives. And if they cannot manage their own lives without you, they need to change how they are living.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Can't count how many times lately I have wished for a completely BORING life. I am a single parent to three girls, my oldest has her head on pretty straight and has reached out to be a huge help lately while I deal with my AD, then we have my youngest who is 17 and very emotional....all this has had huge impact on her....so I've tried to be understanding of her teen angst and outbursts....

But, yes...you need to take time for yourself, tell everyone to **** off for a week or so....do something nice for yourself (said she who should take her own advice)....your kids will never learn to deal with stuff on their own if you keep stepping in to help.

Once things calm down over the next couple weeks in my life, I'm going to try to plan at least one night that is MINE....no drama, no kids, no b.s....just a night for me to relax and breathe, maybe even read a book....a girl can dream right?

First responder for 5, count em 5, adults...I cannot imagine.

The more you help, the more they need your help. Have you considered running away from home for a few months?

Oh my, I really think that you should run away for at least a week. I've done it for a day all by myself before. It was wonderful !!! I only have 2 grown kids, but I really needed that day all to myself. I just made sure that they were physically well, then I didn't answer the phone & I left town, it was so restful. I felt so free. Since then, gradually I have learned to let them figure out how to deal with everything without my being so easily available to help them. We teach people how to treat us. We also forget that we are people too & we need the same care that we feel our grown children need. We can't expect that care to come from anyone else. We have to take care of ourselves just as we would take care of one of them.

Have you read Codependent No More? It's a good book.

Someone else talked about is Don't Let Your Kids Kill You. I haven't read that one, but when I looked at it on Amazon they also mentioned Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children.

I know I didn't raise my 2 adult children to rely on themselves. I've admired one of my sisters parenting abilities in that area - although I think she went too far in the opposite direction - I wish I'd found some middle ground in the area. It's never too late though, as I focused more on myself and quit enabling my son my relationship with both kids has been changing for the better. Maybe they'll be totally independent some day!

I have not answered the phone all day. It was hard but I did it. We raised our kids to be independent. They had chores to do. If they were not done they got no extras. My husband and I both worked. I needed the help. They were great kids. We also told them to get good educations so they would be able to support their selves. All of our kids graduated high school and even worked, bought their own cars before graduating. I do not know what has happened.
Thank you everyone. Because of your post I do not feel like a bad mom for not answering the phone today.
(hugs)
anvil, you did it again. Another smile!

If your kids dump on you, just tell them you are confident that they can handle their affairs on their own and you need some time out to take care of yourself. You've given each of them plenty of help and attention over the years whenever they needed it. Now it's your turn to give yourself some of that TLC.

My daughter is in treatment out of state and is doing well. She calls me every day and honestly, I don't want to talk to her that much.. I am worn out. I jokingly sort of told her that.. I said that I was paying for other people to take care of her now, so I was not wanting to really hear from her all the time..I am so used to everytime she calls me t being some drama, that my blood pressure still goes up when she calls even though she is doing fine. I think I have PTSD!!

Stay on that "vacation" from your kids!!

Octoberrain, there is a councilling page in my local magazine, and youd be surprised by the number of mums that have this problem. because you have always rescued your children from their own stupidity, they have never learnt to stand on their own two feet, which is why now that you are trying to make them they are resisting. (a bit like when you first teach a toddler that they cant have candy from the shop every time you go...they always start off with a tantrum, and it will escalate until they realise it just doesnt work).

when your daughter calls, just tell her that you are happy to listen to her venting, but you wont be part of the solution. she has to come up with that, and put it into action, all on her lonesome. tell her its an early xmas gift from you to her. (people love receiving gifts...lol) you might also want to tell her how much you would love it, if she would just call and say hi mum, how are you? and not always call because she needs help. (this would be true to your son as well). i think acknowledging that you have not always been there because of your addict son would help too. tell her that you love her, but you have your own life to lead and your off to jump out of a plane.

as for your husband, maybe he is just sick of hearing about all of this stuff too. and he has learnt to just switch off knowing that they will eventually work it out. go and have some fun and some you time...you deserve it!!!