Don't know if I can forgive?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 33
Don't know if I can forgive?
My AH has been clean for about 7 weeks now, we have been separated since he went to detox, he wants to come home and says how sorry he is but I just don't know if I can ever really trust him. Will I always be waiting for the relapse? This is so hard because he did what I wanted, got help, now I feel like I'm Punishing him but i just dont want him moving in and out ESP since we have children...confused on how to trust again and forgive or if I should even try.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You have every right to take care of YOUR wants. If you don't want him moving in, you are entitled to that. Don't let him move in. It is very difficult to trust again. Yes, you'll probably always be waiting for the relapse. It's OK to take care of YOU FIRST.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I really don't know how to answer this question. I don't have kids. But, here goes...
You speak of trust and forgiveness. Trust is something that is earned. And there is currently no evidence that you can trust your AH. None. What he has to do is focus on his recovery, and it's his actions over the long haul that will show you whether or not you can trust him.
As far as forgiveness goes...
I believe in compassion. We're all fellow travelers. None of us are immune to mistakes or poor behavior. And yet when we're somebody else's victim, none of that seems to matter because we've been hurt, or betrayed. So I believe there is a danger of forgiving too quickly. Forgiveness is a process that takes an indeterminate period of time. Personally speaking, I have not forgiven my AXGF for her multiple betrayals of me and her sadistic delight in telling me about them. I don't know if I ever will. But I also recognize that in addition to being an addict, she's mentally ill and has a character disorder. Maybe one day I will forgive her. Maybe one day you'll forgive your AH. But I know in both of our cases, we'll do it when we're ready to do so.
Do the right thing by you and your children, and don't succumb to pressure from your AH.
Best,
ZoSo
You speak of trust and forgiveness. Trust is something that is earned. And there is currently no evidence that you can trust your AH. None. What he has to do is focus on his recovery, and it's his actions over the long haul that will show you whether or not you can trust him.
As far as forgiveness goes...
I believe in compassion. We're all fellow travelers. None of us are immune to mistakes or poor behavior. And yet when we're somebody else's victim, none of that seems to matter because we've been hurt, or betrayed. So I believe there is a danger of forgiving too quickly. Forgiveness is a process that takes an indeterminate period of time. Personally speaking, I have not forgiven my AXGF for her multiple betrayals of me and her sadistic delight in telling me about them. I don't know if I ever will. But I also recognize that in addition to being an addict, she's mentally ill and has a character disorder. Maybe one day I will forgive her. Maybe one day you'll forgive your AH. But I know in both of our cases, we'll do it when we're ready to do so.
Do the right thing by you and your children, and don't succumb to pressure from your AH.
Best,
ZoSo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 33
I have seen some positive changes in his attitude. Not so much as far as exercise goes, but there has been some, im trying to walk the fine line between boundries and control. He keeps reminding me that it's early in the recovery process and he's doing the best he can, sometimes I wonder if Im expecting too much too soon...
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Southeastern MA
Posts: 149
You can forgive him without forcing yourself to try to trust him.
Forgiving him may release some weight from your shoulders. But if you are unsure of the trust part, then listen to your inner voice. When that is broken, especially from repeated actions, it is so very hard to get that back.
I can't help but picture a possible future with my xabf but it's never without the feeling of always looking over my shoulder, around my shoulder, eyes wide open, constantly looking for something and that's without being co-dependent. IMHO, this is natural and you're not being mean for feeling this way, you're being human.
Please give yourself a break today - and a hug - and take one day at a time. You have earned this
Forgiving him may release some weight from your shoulders. But if you are unsure of the trust part, then listen to your inner voice. When that is broken, especially from repeated actions, it is so very hard to get that back.
I can't help but picture a possible future with my xabf but it's never without the feeling of always looking over my shoulder, around my shoulder, eyes wide open, constantly looking for something and that's without being co-dependent. IMHO, this is natural and you're not being mean for feeling this way, you're being human.
Please give yourself a break today - and a hug - and take one day at a time. You have earned this
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Detox is not recovery. Living at his mom's place is not recovery. Smoking weed is not recovery. Remaining unemployed and ignoring his financial obligations is not recovery. Using " recovery" as an excuse is not recovery.
Protecting your young children is your job, not punishment or a control strategy.
Protecting your young children is your job, not punishment or a control strategy.
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