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SR's little voice must be working :)

Old 07-10-2012, 06:10 AM
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SR's little voice must be working :)

So most of you know I changed the locks and started a thread asking how I should tell my axbf. I did. Short and sweet and added a "hope all is well". Not sure if that was a mistake because the response I got told me I was unbelievable.

I said I have to move on with my life and so does he and that I was simply wishing him well. That was it until he arrived (while I was at work - which is what I had hoped).

Out of the blue, I got a text in the afternoon with one line that said "by the looks of the boxes, I see you have completely given up." I started crying, right in the middle of work, like a blubbering idiot. I didn't let him know how that upset me and I knew what was happening, knew that "they" know just the right things to say to push your buttons, but it caught me off guard because I - as I'm sure we all here can say - tried so hard with him, for us, did everything in my power to make it work, more than should be asked of anyone, let myself sink to the brink of God knows what, supported the two of us on my income, etc. etc. etc. and he has the audacity to say I gave up. I know, I know, he did exactly what they do. And fortunately, I have an angel at work, who I confided in, and she kicked me in the butt. I kind of laughed because she said things that I know some of you here might have. And I felt better, and stronger, and decided I wasn't going to let him get the best of me.

I did respond before that stating that he gave up on himself and when that happens, a relationship rarely survives.

After leaving work, I got a very long text from him lumping me in with his daughter (she's got her own issues and is wreaking havoc on everyone in the family) and her Mom saying we all gave up on him, how was he supposed to be happy when he's got all of us complaining that he's not doing anything right, losing his job, being told he had to move and trying to get off the vicodin all at the same time. There was more but you get the idea.

I pulled over to read it and I felt a surge of strength almost as if SR was with me. I could hear the various words of advice and all the things I have learned since being here and it all came together to help me recognize what was going on. My friend had called it his "oh sh*t moment" and she's right. He was facing what he must finally realize was his dead end with me -seeing boxes I packed with all his things, not just the boxes he left behind - and instead of accepting that his actions had brought him here, he chose to blame everyone else.

One other thing he did say was explaining why he was the way he was and if I had done half the research I said I'd been doing, I'd understand it and that it wasn't personal the way I'd taken it all this time. I said he was right, I did learn that it isn't personal and I learned that from researching about addiction AND co-dependency so I am where I am because I accepted the unacceptable. But I'm learning from my actions and I pray that you do too.

I may have engaged too much but he didn't have much to say after that and it was done. And even if I did (say too much), it made ME feel good - that I got my own power back by repeating things I'd learned here.

Again, thank you all, for even if you haven't personally given me advice in the past, your words of wisdom continue to help.

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Old 07-10-2012, 08:03 AM
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Way to go, Hopeful!! I know that must have been really hard for you but you did it! You took care of YOU and didn't accept blame.

It's pretty clear that he took off for his uncle's thinking that all you needed was a couple of days to realize "the error of your ways". He tried one last (?) time to hook you and you didn't bite. Amazing growth in a short time, Hopeful. But don't relax yet....I'm sure he's far from done. Keep growing!! (((Hugs)))

PS - Did he get all his stuff out??
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Old 07-10-2012, 08:33 AM
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Thank you TJP. You know, it wasn't too long ago where I would have spun my wheels trying to justify my actions or get caught up in his pain and try to appease him...it is HARD to be tough but I did it and I'm not kidding when I say this place is what taught me to recognize the behavior patterns.

I heard yesterday that he may be moving out of state to his Mom's. I feel for her. She herself is in a bit of denial, she's getting on in years, has a farm and tons of rescued cats and dogs to care for, a husband that does not help much, and now she could be taking on this. Maybe one day I will introduce this place to her. She realizes she's caught up in the enabling mode but she hasn't hit rock bottom yet like I did.

You're right in saying that I should not relax yet. Any time something new is presented to my ex, he gets all riled up, lashes out, but calms quickly until the next thing crosses his path. But I'm ready...I think...lol. He has not yet got the rest of his stuff - I have a feeling he is working all this week at a side job to get some money in order to move. I haven't asked. I don't plan on asking him anything. I'm just not interested anymore in the life he leads except that I hope he gets help and is safe. I wish him no harm but I'm done with the harm I accepted from his addiction.
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Old 07-10-2012, 07:54 PM
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Hopeful,

You don't have to respond to the texts he sends. Simple.
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:14 AM
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Just an update - he contacted me yesterday. He was back to that humble person who is sorry for his actions taking full responsibility and that he'd been tested by his dr. (who's managing the suboxone) and was clean, and let me know he's starting a program on Friday.

He thanked me for being there and asked if it was really over. I wouldn't have carried on a conversation but I knew he was open to hearing truth. I simply explained that I am living for me now, I don't think about tomorrow, and there are no guarantees about anything, so I am choosing not to talk about us, the past, etc. He accepted that. He also asked if I'd like to come with him Friday when his aunt is accompanying him to his check-in. I paused, then told him I would have to respectfully decline because, although I'm happy for him on his decision, he needs to do this for himself.

There is no way I would have been able to word things that way or even THINK that way without this place.

I'm sorry if I haven't been responding too much the last couple of days to others' threads. It doesn't mean my prayers aren't with everyone here and their loved ones, I just am a little tired right now and realize just how much I have to work on the co-dependency thing - not because of fearing I'll "relapse" with my ex but just in general, I never want to lose myself again for anyone or anything.
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:16 AM
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Good job, Hopeful. Can you see how he is (and probably has been for some time) dragging you into his business? Good job not taking the bait.
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Good job, Hopeful. Can you see how he is (and probably has been for some time) dragging you into his business? Good job not taking the bait.
Definitely. In some ways, even in his more humble moments, he behaves like a little child, helpless, hoping others will take care of him. He is capable, very capable, but he has such a low self worth (one that I will never understand because of how smart and talented he is) that he doesn't think he has any value. I don't know if this was wrong but I went over all the things that troubled me (outside of the addiction) about him to remind me that I'm good just where I am - by myself.
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:31 AM
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Yes, I've seen that too. They act helpless and like a child, to get others to do what they want. It's called Control. They control and manipulate others into doing their will. They are very immature that way. Others can be very charming and use that to manipulate. They will use whatever they can to manipulate us. And those of us with weak boundaries and no assertiveness will fall right into being manipulated.

Stop thinking about HIS feelings. They are none of your business. You are making excuses for him and his sick ways of thinking, acting and behaving. We all do it. We make excuses for them so that we stay in the sickness, stuck in savior mode, stuck on the rollercoaster. You have to practice catching yourself making excuses for them.
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:41 AM
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Wow....I'm doing that? This is a good wake up call, I need to hear this!
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Old 07-11-2012, 09:01 AM
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My AS definitely has the "humble" act down-pat. "No, I don't need you to send me any money. I get by on bugs and worms and I"m not that hungry anyway. I found a shed to sleep in and it's only 95 degrees here today." You should see this codie-momma scramble!! That's why I am just SO much better off not talking to him at all. He is a Ninja Master Manipulator.
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Old 07-11-2012, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
My AS definitely has the "humble" act down-pat. "No, I don't need you to send me any money. I get by on bugs and worms and I"m not that hungry anyway. I found a shed to sleep in and it's only 95 degrees here today." You should see this codie-momma scramble!! That's why I am just SO much better off not talking to him at all. He is a Ninja Master Manipulator.
Yes, and I am just a crazy codie reacting to every little need and want they communicate. I just ASSUME that "this is what he needs" so I go and do it. To the tune of many, many, many thousands of dollars, to the tune of sacrificing my OWN needs, allowing people to just move into my house, barrel over me, take over my life and home. I am just as sick in my caretaking reactivity as they are in their manipulations and control. It becomes a power struggle and they often use hurtful things to keep me in codie, caretaking mode.
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