You can forgive him without forcing yourself to try to trust him.
Forgiving him may release some weight from your shoulders. But if you are unsure of the trust part, then listen to your inner voice. When that is broken, especially from repeated actions, it is so very hard to get that back.
I can't help but picture a possible future with my xabf but it's never without the feeling of always looking over my shoulder, around my shoulder, eyes wide open, constantly looking for something and that's without being co-dependent. IMHO, this is natural and you're not being mean for feeling this way, you're being human.
Please give yourself a break today - and a hug - and take one day at a time. You have earned this