Please I need some help. Anyone
Just Keep Swimming
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 75
One of my friends posted this on fb recently (ironically, since this is sort of what fb is all about) and I think it applies here:
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” – Steven Furtick
I guarantee you things are not as peachy as they may seem on his end. They never are with an addict - recovering or not! And I'm sure you know this, but if he is still having a beer here and there to relax then he is not in recovery.
Things will get better. It's ok to feel sad, but do something nice for yourself and remember all of the great things you have going for you.
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” – Steven Furtick
I guarantee you things are not as peachy as they may seem on his end. They never are with an addict - recovering or not! And I'm sure you know this, but if he is still having a beer here and there to relax then he is not in recovery.
Things will get better. It's ok to feel sad, but do something nice for yourself and remember all of the great things you have going for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 47
oooopps, I hear you on feeling you wasted some of your "best" years. I feel that way about the time and money I gave to my BPD friend. Four years right out of college that I spent working for her (admittedly trying to follow my dream) when I could have been going to grad school. Almost 20k into the business that she always swore she would pay me back. Emotional and verbal abuse. 2 years and some therapy later, I still have moments of despair and resentment. However, one of my older friends, who has five children with a narcissist and is going through an ugly divorce, said to me once, "You are so lucky to have learned these lessons at such a young age." I try and remember that every day, and make better choices. I also read some of the stories here and my heart aches, and I am glad I was not suckered for more money, or had children, or given more of my life to this destructive person. When we know better, we do better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
Boldslove, thank you.
That is what everyone here is telling me.
I need to put my resentment in perspective. I dont miss him at all, especially knowing that he has moved on with a new person now. I feel disgusted. Come to think of it.. his phone call was a bunch of BS. His statement do not sound like someone who is truly sorry to a person he has hurt so much.
His words:
"I forgive you for reading my diary, I know you just worried sick" - YOU FORGIVE ME?? WTF!!
"I called you FOR YOU so that you can feel better about what happened between us" - uh, excuse me? are you insane you called me FOR ME?
"I got this great job now and last month I made $27,000" ... ok this is from a a person that made minimum wage when I first met him and never made more than $15/hour.
"I'm looking for a BMW to buy" - good for you.
"I make so much money now, if you ever want to come back to CO I will fly you out... you can stay with me and we could say the goodbye we never got to say" - sorry bro, Goodbye with you dont even need to be said. I'm gone.
"I love you so much, you will always have a special place in my heart. You're the best friend I've ever had" - Yep! I was really good to you but you treated me like complete crap, so no more. Bank account closed.
The past couple days when he comes into my thoughts and I find myself feeling hurt and angry... I try think "I DONT CARE, WHY DO I CARE, I DONT!" (thanks Jody for this one)
I hope as time move forward I will not remember how much heartache he caused me or even better who caused the heartache. People here said it's possible.
love to you all.
"You are so lucky to have learned these lessons at such a young age." I try and remember that every day, and make better choices. I also read some of the stories here and my heart aches, and I am glad I was not suckered for more money, or had children, or given more of my life to this destructive person. When we know better, we do better.
I need to put my resentment in perspective. I dont miss him at all, especially knowing that he has moved on with a new person now. I feel disgusted. Come to think of it.. his phone call was a bunch of BS. His statement do not sound like someone who is truly sorry to a person he has hurt so much.
His words:
"I forgive you for reading my diary, I know you just worried sick" - YOU FORGIVE ME?? WTF!!
"I called you FOR YOU so that you can feel better about what happened between us" - uh, excuse me? are you insane you called me FOR ME?
"I got this great job now and last month I made $27,000" ... ok this is from a a person that made minimum wage when I first met him and never made more than $15/hour.
"I'm looking for a BMW to buy" - good for you.
"I make so much money now, if you ever want to come back to CO I will fly you out... you can stay with me and we could say the goodbye we never got to say" - sorry bro, Goodbye with you dont even need to be said. I'm gone.
"I love you so much, you will always have a special place in my heart. You're the best friend I've ever had" - Yep! I was really good to you but you treated me like complete crap, so no more. Bank account closed.
The past couple days when he comes into my thoughts and I find myself feeling hurt and angry... I try think "I DONT CARE, WHY DO I CARE, I DONT!" (thanks Jody for this one)
I hope as time move forward I will not remember how much heartache he caused me or even better who caused the heartache. People here said it's possible.
love to you all.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Jody675 
oops the funny thing as i read LMN response she wrote what i was about to. i use blame everyone else for my lifes shortfalls. my life sucked. my unhappy marriage was because of my ex husband being an Ar5sehole, having no respect at work, was because they didn't understand me, feeling like a failure was because (go back to ex husband comment). never me. i read a book that changed my life. PASSIONATE MARRIAGE. it taught me about choices. that only we are in control of the choices we make for ourselves and not others. we can not control others. every option comes with at least 2 choices. even if one is a really sucky one, there is ALWAYS A CHOICE. you have been making poor choices so far. look around you, you are not alone in that club. but there aren't too many of us now that haven't learned at least to recognise that we are responsible for some of the crap we find ourselves in today. not everyone has learnt how to change those unhealthy behaviours (including myself), but we are definitely aware of the fact that we are responsible for our own choices.
it is actually a very powerful moment when you realise that you are the one in charge of you and that you no longer have to accept the crap that someone else is feeding you. its very empowering. when you own your choices, you can then start making better ones.
it is actually a very powerful moment when you realise that you are the one in charge of you and that you no longer have to accept the crap that someone else is feeding you. its very empowering. when you own your choices, you can then start making better ones.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by oooopps
Boldslove, thank you.
That is what everyone here is telling me.
I need to put my resentment in perspective. I dont miss him at all, especially knowing that he has moved on with a new person now. I feel disgusted. Come to think of it.. his phone call was a bunch of BS. His statement do not sound like someone who is truly sorry to a person he has hurt so much.
His words:
"I forgive you for reading my diary, I know you just worried sick" - YOU FORGIVE ME?? WTF!!
"I called you FOR YOU so that you can feel better about what happened between us" - uh, excuse me? are you insane you called me FOR ME?
"I got this great job now and last month I made $27,000" ... ok this is from a a person that made minimum wage when I first met him and never made more than $15/hour.
"I'm looking for a BMW to buy" - good for you.
"I make so much money now, if you ever want to come back to CO I will fly you out... you can stay with me and we could say the goodbye we never got to say" - sorry bro, Goodbye with you dont even need to be said. I'm gone.
"I love you so much, you will always have a special place in my heart. You're the best friend I've ever had" - Yep! I was really good to you but you treated me like complete crap, so no more. Bank account closed.
The past couple days when he comes into my thoughts and I find myself feeling hurt and angry... I try think "I DONT CARE, WHY DO I CARE, I DONT!" (thanks Jody for this one)
I hope as time move forward I will not remember how much heartache he caused me or even better who caused the heartache. People here said it's possible.
love to you all.
That is what everyone here is telling me.
I need to put my resentment in perspective. I dont miss him at all, especially knowing that he has moved on with a new person now. I feel disgusted. Come to think of it.. his phone call was a bunch of BS. His statement do not sound like someone who is truly sorry to a person he has hurt so much.
His words:
"I forgive you for reading my diary, I know you just worried sick" - YOU FORGIVE ME?? WTF!!
"I called you FOR YOU so that you can feel better about what happened between us" - uh, excuse me? are you insane you called me FOR ME?
"I got this great job now and last month I made $27,000" ... ok this is from a a person that made minimum wage when I first met him and never made more than $15/hour.
"I'm looking for a BMW to buy" - good for you.
"I make so much money now, if you ever want to come back to CO I will fly you out... you can stay with me and we could say the goodbye we never got to say" - sorry bro, Goodbye with you dont even need to be said. I'm gone.
"I love you so much, you will always have a special place in my heart. You're the best friend I've ever had" - Yep! I was really good to you but you treated me like complete crap, so no more. Bank account closed.
The past couple days when he comes into my thoughts and I find myself feeling hurt and angry... I try think "I DONT CARE, WHY DO I CARE, I DONT!" (thanks Jody for this one)
I hope as time move forward I will not remember how much heartache he caused me or even better who caused the heartache. People here said it's possible.
love to you all.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: san diego california
Posts: 36
Even tho I'm with a new guy and I love him so much its still hard to hear about my ex of three years even tho he was very bad to me onc,e he stareted using cuz I stood by him and wit him waiting for him to be the man ik fell in love wit before and now that he is some what better I feel the nedw girls get tol enjoy what I wanteddx and waitedd for for so long all the bad I went tbhru waiting for nevr came and now they get.... ki still love him but nows uits been 13 months since we broke up n I love him differently now but it stills hurts but only cuz I feel he didn't. Love me or I wasn't good enough fcor the kindof love he is givigthe new girls... it'll be hard but don't let that still mind f*** u don't let him have that control... it'll prob walways hurt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
you are right Anvil. I made poor choices. I'm just bitter that my investment for my future went down the toilet because I could not concentrate and everything was about him... his needs. Reading your post on Developing Detachment now.
I am feeling angry with myself too and I think that is the hardest part.
I am feeling angry with myself too and I think that is the hardest part.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by oooopps
I made poor choices. I'm just bitter that my investment for my future went down the toilet because I could not concentrate and everything was about him... his needs.
I am feeling angry with myself too and I think that is the hardest part.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Wow...this thread's bringing back some not-so-pleasant memories.
I'm two courses shy of my MS Electrical and Computer Engineering. I was due to finish last fall...
...and I let my AXGF hijack me. Plain and simple.
What I've learned over the past year about her makeup is pretty revealing. During my first semester I was with her, she'd be experiencing anxiety attacks, or generally act up. And even though I got through that semester OK, it does cost me at the end with some not-so-stellar grades on final exams. Not only was she flying her addict flag, she was flying the Borderline Personality flag, too. Except I really didn't recognize it.
Last summer was a nightmare, and by the time the fall semester came around, I was out of gas. I just didn't have the energy to tackle graduate level engineering work because I was tapped out. Of course, she berated me for this. She berated me for a lot of things.
Now that she's gone, and I've post-gamed everything, I recognize my role in it. Yes, she messed with me. She didn't care whether I did well in school or not. She didn't care about my career, either. Her eyes pointed inward. It was all about her. But, here's the thing...
I could have stopped it at any time. Had I had the guts to do it. Blinded by love, trying to be a good partner, my thinking wasn't clear at all. On one level, I knew how sick and toxic she was. But I ignored that, and that was a poor choice. And those of you who have followed my posts since January know how things ended.
Well, I'm back in the grad school game in late August. I'll be ready then. And instead of allowing myself distractions, I'm keeping the focus on me and I'm going to put all I've got into finishing school with a bang. There is no way in hell I'm going to allow what happened to me ever again. No way at all.
I'm two courses shy of my MS Electrical and Computer Engineering. I was due to finish last fall...
...and I let my AXGF hijack me. Plain and simple.
What I've learned over the past year about her makeup is pretty revealing. During my first semester I was with her, she'd be experiencing anxiety attacks, or generally act up. And even though I got through that semester OK, it does cost me at the end with some not-so-stellar grades on final exams. Not only was she flying her addict flag, she was flying the Borderline Personality flag, too. Except I really didn't recognize it.
Last summer was a nightmare, and by the time the fall semester came around, I was out of gas. I just didn't have the energy to tackle graduate level engineering work because I was tapped out. Of course, she berated me for this. She berated me for a lot of things.
Now that she's gone, and I've post-gamed everything, I recognize my role in it. Yes, she messed with me. She didn't care whether I did well in school or not. She didn't care about my career, either. Her eyes pointed inward. It was all about her. But, here's the thing...
I could have stopped it at any time. Had I had the guts to do it. Blinded by love, trying to be a good partner, my thinking wasn't clear at all. On one level, I knew how sick and toxic she was. But I ignored that, and that was a poor choice. And those of you who have followed my posts since January know how things ended.
Well, I'm back in the grad school game in late August. I'll be ready then. And instead of allowing myself distractions, I'm keeping the focus on me and I'm going to put all I've got into finishing school with a bang. There is no way in hell I'm going to allow what happened to me ever again. No way at all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
If life has taught me anything, it is that wounds take time to heal and relationships can be hard. If you need to put this behind you and move on, then don't look at texts from your Ex and don't check FB. You are responsible for your choices. I really think you will be fine though. A good cry can be cathartic and maybe you needed to grieve in order to let go. Good luck on your next attempt at the bar. I'll be pulling for you.
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